day one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 28
day one
I've been looking at this site for a while now. Finally took the plunge.
My life right now is a mess. I've hurt a lot of people. The guilt over that kept me drinking, and well, you know the circle. I have to face the things I've done, but I need help. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want my life back.
It seems every time I've gotten to 'rock bottom', I somehow go even lower. At the places where most people would have said enough, I kept going. I feel like I'm a poison; toxic to everyone around me. I think often the world would be better off without me; that I've wasted all the gifts I've been given, taken everything for granted.
Last night, I registered here, and went into chat. But I had to get drunk to do it. How pathetic is that? I'm so tired of feeling like a loser all the time. An embarrassment to my friends and family. I wasn't meant to be a loser. I was given so many gifts: brains, talent, beauty, family, community, love and I let booze take it away. Granted some really awful experiences steered me that way, but I should have been stronger. People have looked to me to be a leader, an example. Now I'm just an example of what not to do, how not to be.
My life right now is a mess. I've hurt a lot of people. The guilt over that kept me drinking, and well, you know the circle. I have to face the things I've done, but I need help. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want my life back.
It seems every time I've gotten to 'rock bottom', I somehow go even lower. At the places where most people would have said enough, I kept going. I feel like I'm a poison; toxic to everyone around me. I think often the world would be better off without me; that I've wasted all the gifts I've been given, taken everything for granted.
Last night, I registered here, and went into chat. But I had to get drunk to do it. How pathetic is that? I'm so tired of feeling like a loser all the time. An embarrassment to my friends and family. I wasn't meant to be a loser. I was given so many gifts: brains, talent, beauty, family, community, love and I let booze take it away. Granted some really awful experiences steered me that way, but I should have been stronger. People have looked to me to be a leader, an example. Now I'm just an example of what not to do, how not to be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
Welcome blueeyescrying,
We're glad you found us and started posting. You are among folks who understand, with similar experiences. Alcohol takes so much from us. You sound ready for a change.....good to hear it's your day one
We're glad you found us and started posting. You are among folks who understand, with similar experiences. Alcohol takes so much from us. You sound ready for a change.....good to hear it's your day one
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Hi blueeyes!
It's never too late. Stop digging. Start climbing out of the bottom of the hole.
Read as much as you can here and have faith in your resolve that you can do this!
You are not alone and you are worth it!!!!!
It's never too late. Stop digging. Start climbing out of the bottom of the hole.
Read as much as you can here and have faith in your resolve that you can do this!
You are not alone and you are worth it!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
blueeyescrying You are not alone. Your situation may be unique
but all of those thoughts and feelings are so common to us all.
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.
I will keep you in my thoughts through out the night...
and check back on this thread.
I promise you
put down the drink
in a short time all of the craziness will stop
and your thoughts and feelings will be manageable....
May good health and sobriety be yours today and next.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 28
Sorry, just got a private message from an aa guy. Just back. I'm not sure what I enjoy anymore. Funny, been so selfish, but always have thought about others, never myself. Left myself about ten years ago. So disconnected with what I want, who I am. Lost.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Originally Posted by blueeyescrying 
Sorry, just got a private message from an aa guy. Just back. I'm not sure what I enjoy anymore. Funny, been so selfish, but always have thought about others, never myself. Left myself about ten years ago. So disconnected with what I want, who I am. Lost.
I am glad you have people concerned for you...let your family and friends know if possible...you need help....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Don't be so hard on yourself blueeyescrying. Especially if it's guilt that keeps you drinking! It is possible to break free from those patterns, it can be tough, especially early on but fortunately there is a lot of support here. Have you tried quitting before? x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome blueeyes. You found a great place. We all understand.
I felt like you when I came crawling in here. I'd been drinking my whole life. What had once been fun was now a living hell. I was drinking all day and totally dependent on it. I couldn't sleep or make a move without having a drink beside me. I thought it helped me be strong and cope - but it weakened me and turned me into a person I didn't even recognize.
With the help of SR I found the courage to change my life. I didn't expect to meet so many people who felt just like me. It was a relief to not feel alone anymore. You can get free of alcohol and have a beautiful life. Glad you are here.
I felt like you when I came crawling in here. I'd been drinking my whole life. What had once been fun was now a living hell. I was drinking all day and totally dependent on it. I couldn't sleep or make a move without having a drink beside me. I thought it helped me be strong and cope - but it weakened me and turned me into a person I didn't even recognize.
With the help of SR I found the courage to change my life. I didn't expect to meet so many people who felt just like me. It was a relief to not feel alone anymore. You can get free of alcohol and have a beautiful life. Glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by hypochondriac
Don't be so hard on yourself blueeyescrying. Especially if it's guilt that keeps you drinking! It is possible to break free from those patterns, it can be tough, especially early on but fortunately there is a lot of support here. Have you tried quitting before? x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Support can really make the difference. SR has been the only constant in my sobriety and I have had sporadic and sketchy support in the real world. I am not sure I would have made it without the people here. One thing that really helped me was joining a 'Class of...' thread. It helped keep me accountable and could always rely on people for support here when I really needed it. Glad you're here x
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