corockies

I am sure it is not unique, but my issue is loneliness and even an internet connection reply, it's sad.

I don't know when my life became a mess and again, but I move a lot and I go through these things......this time feels different because I am not 24 anymore, I am 30. That clicked with me today

I am an addict of many things. I get in groves where I do things. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. I can drink and stop. I can gamble and stop. I can do things positive like workout and stop. I can focus on work and do great because I appreciate those positive things. I don't think I have defined who I am.

I think alcohol stunted my everything. I still feel like I seek out the relationships I was with when I was 18. Just new and exciting but chaotic. I have succeeded in many things professionally and I think that gives me a false sense of who I am.

Thinking about it even typing this, I don't know

I just broke up with a gf over a year because it was unhealthy. When she turned it around on me, and told me how **** I was and has a new boyfriend (and I did everything for this girl who was a total alcoholic, so it was a bad match from day 1), yada yada, I all of a sudden start caring. She cuts me out, makes ****** decisions and tells me about it and it literally rips my heart out.

I needed to vent so I am sorry. I am obviously here seeking answers no one can give and I get that. I just feel like I have never felt and moving to Colorado was supposed to be my happiness. and I have met great people, and no matter what, I still feel ******* lonely

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Corockies

Alcohol stunted my everything too. I think you have a lot of insight into your situation, that sort of realisation took me months of sobriety to hit. I think alcohol robs us of our sense of self too, I don't know how but it seems to make us depend on it in a way that we can't depend on ourselves anymore. I gained a lot of confidence in sobriety and things are slowly starting to come together. I found that a definition of myself isn't as important as I thought it was and that just being me was okay. I am glad you found SR and hope you find the support you need here x

corockies

thank you for the reply, I know I rambled, I know I didn't come off as someone you would want to help with my attitude I suppose. It's just how I felt and I am just figuring things out...

"don't know how but it seems to make us depend on it in a way that we can't depend on ourselves anymore"

and that clicked, Who I am I is getting overwhelmed with this addiction, which is making me think that I am not the loving, be there for you person I always was. It's ripping me away from what I am about almost....I never lose it, but I guess from everything that happened, it isn't who I am with this now...........

and your reply on here even made me cry.....it so confusing dude...

TheSunWillRise

Day one for me too! We can do this that I am sure of! Day by day! I fell horrible right now but time will erase all of that!

least

to SR! You can ramble all you want here - we're here to listen and offer support. Glad you found us!

corockies

I am on day 12 and have I guess the confusion is popping up?!

i'll be proud of you and will be there if you need.......I am never confused, but I don't know left from right, right now :-)

hope this is part of the process and will pass.

hypochondriac

Absolutely. I was just thinking about how I think I had it right to start off with. When I quit drinking I felt like I went back to the mindset I had before I started, and I was 12 then. I wasn't so bad then. I think I had this seed of doubt about myself and took criticism too easily and I let alcohol take over because it was easier. I am 31 now and feel like I am starting out again. It's a nice feeling. Are you still drinking now? x

corockies

thanks least, I am an rambler when it hits me..

I really do appreciate the support/reply as sad as that is....feels like someone cares about it...

hypochondriac

Well done on day 12 x

corockies

no I am 12 days sober and I finally think everything is hitting me and confusing me.

I know I am the most loving supportive person. I don't feel the right to be this messed up with alcohol. I was never hurt, raped, hit, etc. I know people that have and I get that abuse. makes me feel even more shat.


I am of course attracted to those relationships where I can drink, I think. and I try to be there.

of course, I am breaking both of us in it. All I want is so simple and I just can't ever get there.

I ALWAYS end up connecting with people who need help. And I help. maybe it is just an easy way for me to ignore my issues, I really don't know

IWillWin

Hi corockies! First, wherever you go, you will always be there. The geographic "cure" rarely works - many have tried it. Sooner or later, there you are in the mirror but with a different zip code.

If you are happy in Colorado, I suggest staying put, staying sober and working on living sober. Alcohol robbed many of us, myself included, of many things but it motivates some to work hard and get those things back.

You can do this. The feelings are going to come and there will be good and bad days but you just need to keep it moving and you will see positive changes in your life.

Best of luck!!!

blueeyescrying

I guess, like me, you're just realizing you're not alone and maybe we'll be okay. Hang in there, I will too

hypochondriac

Again, insightful I have always been the same way. I think avoiding looking at my own issues was a factor, but more than anything else I don't think I wanted to spend time with anyone who could potentially criticise my drinking. Relationships aren't fun if someone is morally superior... unless it's you. I say that tongue in cheek but I think that I actually thought that way

TheSunWillRise

I can remember being confused the very first time I quit the Vicodin. Then sometime it seemed like all the sudden I could see and feel things I don't remember. Used to tell my husband... Man the sun is so bright. I can actually feel the sun and its so pretty. Of course he thought I was crazy but I felt like it was all the sudden so apparent to me and I could truly feel if that makes any sense at all.

It only gets darker if we go back! Keep your head up and find something truly amazing about the moment you are in while you are sober right now. For me right now it's that I can hear the birds outside. I wouldn't even be concerned with them normally.

Hevyn

Hello corockies. You have a good discussion going on here already. I don't have much to add, but want to welcome you and say I'm glad you're here. I think you'll really like being part of SR - we're a friendly and supportive bunch.

Please don't apologize for venting or rambling. You did neither one. It's normal at 12 days to be thinking everything over and trying to come to some conclusions that make sense. You're doing great. I hope you'll feel less lonely being here with us.

corockies

you guys are all truly awesome, thank you.

I have read this forum before and people's experiences and I was always "not me".

and then today I realize this is 100% me and always has been.

Thank you for all of the support, I can tell you it truly made a difference for me today

corockies

I only have one tattoo and I got it when I didn't drink for a year and a couple of months at the time

it says "you are where you are"

Nighthawk8820

Using stunts your growth, and you can never really learn who you are or what you are capable of if you continue to use. Its a fact. I think many people use because they are afraid to find out who they are, want to fit in, or are self medicating. In any of those scenarios, it almost always backfires in the end. Get sober, you will see a new side of life and get to know yourself better than you ever will if you continue to use.

whipster

Very important point you make, I always thought the same way..."not me"...but now I recognize it is me and has been that way for a long, long time.

Thank you for sharing.

corockies

most people going through this seem like they are married too. I have always found that odd. I would think more single loneliness would be the most of people because of the loneliness.

It seems like a lot of people have that support system to help, which i don't. I know it is about me finding that support system, which is why, for sure, I am here :-)