feeling so much lighter...and finally free.

Old 06-22-2013, 10:00 AM
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feeling so much lighter...and finally free.

so. i wrote a post a little over a month ago about my (ex)boyfriend filling a prescription for codeine and saying he didn't take any while he is supposedly in sober living. he was back and forth and all over the place in his treatment of me. one day sorry and he loved me so much, next day f**k me and it's all my fault and i didn't do anything i should have done to fix us. plus, denying being on opiates again. denying being on benzos again. the usual. i was telling him for weeks and weeks, this will never work, there is no trust, this can't be fixed. maybe he thought i was bluffing or just talking. maybe i was being "too nice" as someone suggested on here. entirely possible. i found myself feeling annoyingly guilty for ending things. sorry for him in a way. obligaged somehow although i'm not and wasn't. there was still a tiny sliver of doubt in myself and my "gut feelings" that things were not what he said. you know...like, what if i AM wrong?? what if he ISN'T doing anything and i am just being paranoid?? all that.

anyway, i got home from work two days ago, checked the mail, and there was another prescription summary. not only was there codeine on this one, but also vicodin, and morphine...and klonopin. and the scripts were filled at two different pharmacies. meanwhile, i had gotten more texts from him saying he was so sorry and he can't believe that "now that drugs are OUT OF THE PICTURE" and he has "gone through all this and tried so hard and COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE" he just can't believe i NOW don't want this relationship. i just replied something to the effect of, "how are the klonopin, vicodin, morphine, and codeine going now that drugs are out of the picture?" heard nothing at all until next morning when i got an email with all the excuses and justifications and none of my business and it's my fault for being so judgmental and all that... i told him i thought it was gross that he was trying to keep our relationship going and come back to live with me under completely false pretenses and that he could find his stuff in the basement when he returns. (basement is separate from my place...he does not need to come in here to get in there.)

point of all of this... i feel like 'the universe' gave me exactly what i needed just when i needed it most. that prescription summary was not really supposed to end up here, but it did. it absolutely validated everything i have been feeling and thinking. it released me from my feelings of guilt and obligation. i felt as though someone/something had come along and untied my hands--yes, the hands i had tied myself with my own dysfunction. i see no point in any further conversation with him. there is nothing to argue about. there is no truth i need. i am finally free.

here's to moving FORWARD with both eyes pointed in that direction!

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Old 06-22-2013, 12:52 PM
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I was just telling someone this morning that it was always an event that moved me forward in my own recovery. Usually they were not pleasant events.....

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-22-2013, 01:34 PM
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yes... this event served to remove that stubborn part of me that wants to feel responsible for things that are not my fault or my problem. i hate the thought of hurting people. i hate the thought of him having nowhere to go and not being well. but i can't make that my issue anymore. i need to care for myself, exactly. thank you!!
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Old 06-23-2013, 07:33 AM
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Now that you've had this ultimate validation (and I'm pretty sure that, like me, you'll look back and see that there were many, many other "events" that were just as illuminating, although they were ignored) you can start believing in your feelings and trust your gut. For me, that has not been as easy as it sounds, but as I listen to my "inner voice" more and more, I find that it helps me in countless ways, and in aspects of my life far removed from my relationship with my ex-partner.

You may find yourself asking, "Why couldn't I see things the way everyone else in my life saw them? Why did I refuse to acknowledge so many issues when they were staring me right in the face?" For me, I'm still grappling with that a bit (well, more than a bit), but after I finally admitted to myself that I was willfully ignoring the truth – in essence, choosing lies, my own lies, my deluded fantasies, over the truth – I began the process of recovering trust in myself.
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Old 06-23-2013, 07:43 AM
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Good Job MsTrust!
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:02 AM
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I had an event like that last night. They are so painful. I'm really feeling it right now.
Gotta make it back through to that peaceful side.

Thank you for sharing.
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Old 06-23-2013, 08:41 AM
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sorry to hear that bunnynest, but at the same time, maybe it can free you the way i feel it has freed me. i was finally at a point where i was almost begging inside for there to be ONE MORE REASON for me to just be done with this for good. do i feel somewhat weak for "needing" that reason rather than just feeling confident about ending things before that? sure...but in the end i don't think that's the important thing. i have had a hard time trusting my own intuition and gut feelings for a long time. a LOOOOONG time. if i've learned nothing else from this whole experience, it's that those are not feelings to doubt.

i moved all the stuff into the basement yesterday. it's out of my sight. FINALLY.

i wish you the best, bunny!
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Old 06-23-2013, 09:05 AM
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if I've learned nothing else from this whole experience, it's that those are not feelings to doubt.
This sounds very strong to me mstrust.
No weakness here.
Good bye to denial.

Beth
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