dandylion

You know how, on those nature shows, the alligator grabs their prey--does the "roll" and submerges it underwater--all within a few seconds.....well, that is what happened to me last night, at about midnight.

Basically, my adult son, who is living several states away and who is about 2wks away from one year of sobriety calls to talk over a situation that was distressing him. I said o.k.--and the conversation proceeded fine, at first. Then I honestly told him that I thought he was taking someone else's inventory and bringing on unnecessary stress--as he had enough of his own inventory to worry about. Well--this set off a full-blown "dry drunk" episode---King Baby appeared in a flash--in full regalia!!!!

It was as if he were actually drinking and standing in my living room arguing with me at the top of his lungs. He actually hung up on me---rather than let me speak. Then, I sat here (at midnight) with smoke and fire coming out of my ears and nostrils---and then sobbing for about an hour on the couch--with the dog trying to console me. It happened that fast--just like the alligator attacks.

After the flood of my tears---I decided to start a new book to take my thoughts somewhere else and made a big pot of tea.

Now it is A.M. and I feel much more objective. WOW--it is soo easy, when they are doing well to forget to watch your back. Just yesterday afternoon we had had such a long pleasant conversation on the phone. He lives several states away, thankfully. I had kicked him out and gone no contact for about 6mo. telling him that I would only deal with him If/when he was sober and civilized. That alcoholics and alcoholic behaviors would never be a part of my life ever again. (we started conversing about 12wks. ago) and it was feeling like my origional son was returning.

Now--I am going to write him a letter today telling him that I don't want to talk to him until/if he has more sobriety time under his belt--so that he feels like he can be grown-up enough to communicate like a mature adult and not a toddler who just dropped his ice-cream cone. Honestly, I don't want any contact with him for a long while---actually never again is better than this "dry drunk" crapppp. In reality I love him--we have always been close. I feel like I had a relapse.

My empathy for those who are trying to live in the same house with a recovering alcoholic is up to the sky. I honestly don't know how you do it. I have never had a partner to deal with like that. I don't think I could--a child is bad enough.

Early recovery is a trip through He**!! If it could be arranged, I think that all recovering alcoholics (addicts) should have a 1-2yr. saabattical away from all loved ones---same for the loved ones. I have only one word in my vocabulary for this downturn of events---DETACHMENT;DETACHMENT;DETACHMENT.

OH--my letter will advise him to take his crapp to a sponsor---not his mother.

thank you, if you are still reading this (LOL). I needed a few shoulders to cry on this morning.

sincerely, dandylion

kasie

Ohhh Dandylion. I'm sending hugs to you.

Unfortunately I don't have any words if wisdom, but by the sound of it you handled the situation very well and you should be proud of yourself

It's kind of like the crazy train made a stop at a platform you were waiting at, and you made a wise decision not to hop on for the full journey. Too many of us jump on board and get embroiled on a runaway train we can't alight from. You made the sensible decision. Well done

transformyself

Great recovery oh dandiest of lions

For me, when I'm triggered, the only thing that matters is getting the anxiety down to a manageable level. A book sounds great, what other tactics do you use?

marie1960

Hugs to you Dandy.

Sometimes that big cry is necessary.

Wishing you a peaceful day.

Putting some of my favorite music on and singing along (sometimes at the top of my lungs) really calms me down, and lifts my spirits.

Do something nice for you today, my friend.

wicked

Yes! The alligator roll!
Very effective description.

You get ensnared by engaging, then get up all wet and muddy and wonder what happened!
Oh yeah. BTDT.

I am glad you feel better dandylion.

Taking my kids' inventory, for sure is a disaster.
I notice it when I say the word "should"
You should, he should, they should, ..........

Then, trapped in the jaws of the crazy towne alligator.

I like to read my recovery books.
Usually whatever page flaps open is one I need.
(because I need all of them)

Or, since I am a depressive (I think this is part of why I think this),
I think to myself, "well, it could be worse."
so many worse things could be happening. (to me)


Beth

Tuffgirl

Wishing you a more peaceful day today, dandylion.

I hope HE calls and owns his behavior today. That would be recovery in action, no? Sometimes we all behave badly. Owning it after the fact is a sign of maturity. Prayers he does that.

I think you handled it brilliantly. You didn't call him back when he hung up on you. You found a way to calm yourself and redirect your thoughts (reading is a wonderful way to do that!). Well done!

FireSprite

I adore the alligator wrestling reference, that is so accurate!!!

It sounds like you really handled it well though; yes codie habits got triggered but you used your tools to keep yourself from getting stuck there for very long. I hope you have a much better day today!

fourmaggie

i read this and went OMY! this is whats happening to me...only one thing...she has 7 years of recovery....EGO is so big...*shakes head*

laurie6781

(((((dandylion)))))

Nice recovery from last night!!!!!! I know that both my mom and dad would not and did not talk to me until I was almost 2 years sober and clean. I often say that the first 18 months of my recovery were a hell worse than the one I had lived in all those years.

If anything, I think last night was a half a step back and this morning 2 steps forward!!! Great idea about the letter! I also agree that it is your right NOT to talk to him until he gets past his 'dry drunk king baby' act!!!

Thank you for sharing both the negative and the positive!

Love and hugs,

LaTeeDa

It must be extremely difficult as a parent to practice detachment when it comes to your child. I applaud your recovery!

L

dandylion

My dear, dear friends---your words have brought me much comfort today--each and every one of you!!!

I have kept busy today---using my brain over my heart today. I was out in the garden pulling weeds and tears were dripping onto the soil. He** of a way to water the garden, eh?

Finally, the letter is written--will mail tomorrow morning. The phone rang about 3 times today from him--I was tempted to answer but, I didn't. Most probably, he wants to apologize (but, I can't be positive). Anyway, I don't want his apology--no more get out of jail free cards. I want to feel assured that he is beyond the "dry drunk King Baby act" as laurie6781 so aptly put it!! And, I don't think he is. I think he is abstinent with a few random AA meetings and a lot of willpower. That won't do it--I know that--but, I am not going to tell him that---because, I know that it will come back to bite me in the form of resentment, blame-shifting, etc..... Let a sponsor tell him that.

I don't need or want to direct his treatment--He knows full well that AA is there and it is free. I can't be his therapist; or his sponsor; or his wailing wall; or his cheerleader; or his recreational cow to have verbal tirades at when the world displeases him; or his excuse to regress. I am his mother and I am too weary to do any of the aforementioned. Besides, I love him too much---I will be his mother (with respect) or I choose not to be anything.

I know that he will be hurt--maybe angry--but, I can't help it. Again, he can take that to a sponsor.

I am remembering all of the spouses and partners on this forum who are coping with this early recovery behavior. I am pretty sure that if he were my partner, rather than my precious flesh and blood--I would be taking a verrry different direction. One can't divorce their child---just love them from a distance---sometimes, a very great distance.

Again, you, my friends have carried me today.

dandylion

transformyself

Dearest Dandylion

This year I planted a garden for the first time since I was a kid and lived at home with my parents. I hacked out a six by 12 rectangle of grass from my city back yard with a hatchett. Chopped a teensy box, used the shovel to lift the grass' massive root system, lifted it like a blanket, raked off the dirt and replanted the grass on the other end of the yard.

It took me a week. I knew there were better ways to do it. Borrow the neighbors roto tiller. Get the kids to do it. But I wanted to. I kept praying and thinking and digging in that dirt and moving the grass and shifting my reality. Hack. Dig. Rake. Repeat.

After planting the garden, my morning ritual goes like this: Wake up on the couch. Get coffee. Go outside to water my garden and look for signs of life. I had no idea if anything would grow.

The very first little leaf poked up and grew about in inch in one day. I was so thrilled. Then I realized that little leaf didn't look anything like lettuce. It was a dandelion.

I picked it. I told it not to come back, that I was growing food here. Such a sweet little leaf. She told me, "i am food too" and she's right.

My lettuce and other foods have since sprouted. Yesterday, I decided the sweet dandelions have to go. Several of their little leafy heads have sprouted with my other garden foods.

Instead of picking their leaves I started following their roots down down into the cool earth. So strong. I dug further and further with a trowel Down below where the grass roots had been removed, down past the layer of clay that is probably killing my green peppers. I dug up a massive, thick root system that simply did not end.

For just one little plant. Just one teensy little leaf, sticking out of the ground has a most massive, strong and protective root system. All for the sweet little leaf. For the sunshine colored flowers.

You have chosen such a powerful, remarkable name sake. There's nothing to worry about. Even if someone tries to dig you out, even if an alligator rolls with you, your root system is so strong, anchoring you in a way that will bring you right back up.

You just need a little water. Cry those tears Sister. Cry and let it go. You are sunshine and determination.

dandylion

OHHH, transformmyself, what a sweet and touching analogy--it does touch me deeply!! I'll admit that I can use a little inspiration---and the universe sent you as the messenger! How great is that??

I also love your story of your little garden. Wow, transform--you did do it the most labor-intensive way, but most importantly, you got'er done! I consider gardening first-line therapy. Others say that golf parallels life---I say poppycock to that--it is gardening!!

I sooo relate to your early morning routine--I do the same thing, with my tea and the animals on my heel--check for new signs of life. To me, it is the same as praying.

Now , I am curious--what else did you plant?

Thanks, transformmyself, for making my day!

dandylion

transformyself

Oh you're welcome sweet one. You're with me every morning now! lol

I planted:
lettuce
red onion
Beets-- their little sprouts are deep crimson red
brussel sprouts
broccoli
jalepenos
green pepper
tomato

the jalapenos, peppers, and tomato were little plants I bought and transplanted and and their leaves are yellowing, but I know this is a learning experience. I love it!


watermelon - although I think it's going to be a disaster, I didn't give them enough room and they're going to take over

dandylion

Dear transform---you chose vegetables with a lot of nutritional value. Also, a lot of variety for your plot. Please tell me that you have full sun, all day. My problem is that, even though I have a large yard--I only have a few areas where there is all-day sun.
I tried to cheat by planting in partial sun (in the past) and Mother Nature kicked my arse!

You said it-I don't care how many years or decades of gardening you have under your belt, each year brings new lessons and discoveries. This year, I am giving nasturtiums a whirl again. One time, they were spectacular---then became lackluster at best.
New effort, this time---we will see........

dandylion---the farmer in the dell..

transformyself

I did? that's great news! I chose the things we love to eat (well I hate broccoli but the kids love it) . The best part, really, is my funny little chihuahua keeps tryhing to sneak into the garden and run around in the dirt! When I dug it up, before I planted, he went crazy running in the dirt. I videotaped it, will see if I can post it.

Part of why this is important to me is that I NEED to not obsess about my situation, but rather keep working, keep positive and SEE myself succeeding. I can't explain why or how, but this garden has done that for me. Digging in the dirt. Planting and singing to and watering the little seeds till they pop up. It's love Baby, all the way. And finding those tenacious dandelion roots encourages me even more.

I could swear at them, resent them. But instead I see them as YOU.

MamaKit

dandylion,
Hugs to you. I have nothing to add to the wonderful comments you have received already. I realized that I have never given the name "dandylion" too much thought in the past, but oh how it suits you!
Just sending along my support and three cheers for the way you are handling this bump in the road!
MamaKit

ShootingStar1

What a wonderful, heart warming thread! So much support and good counsel.

Dandylion, you have my thoughts and prayers, and I will try to have my HP send a little more sun your way.

I never thought of your name as a flower. Without thinking, I have always read it as a dandy LION - a fierce and beautiful leader who is dressed up in her best finery, and charms us all as she shares her hard won wisdom.

ShootingStar1