Wow, I was so naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
Wow, I was so naive
Or perhaps in denial.....
I fell in love with a man who I now realize was an alcoholic. We were so close and I loved him so very much. We were in our 40's and worked together. I even came to a point in our relationship where I thought he might be someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. Then everything changed.
I knew he drank. We were in an LTR and I did note that every time we were together alcohol was involved. I found myself drinking when I was with him but since it was on weekend's I didn't think much of it. There were times that I simply didn't want a drink but he always did. I was always his designated driver when we would go to someone's house but it never bothered me because I didn't mind not drinking - and I would rather be safe with one of us not drinking if there was a drive home in the near future. Still, didn't realize that there was a bigger issue staring me in the face.
It took me a very long time to get over it. It just seemed so illogical that it ended. We were so happy together and all the the things that took place at the end were so erratic and illogical. It didn't make sense and I thought for sure he would be back.
He never came back to stay. We saw each other a couple of times about a year in between. It would be the best visit ever, we would be intimate, he would speak of the future (like he did when we were in a relationship). Once I left for home, it was as if the night never happened. He returned to ignoring me nor contacting me. The 1st time I was devastated but it took me a lot less time to recover than when we initially broke up. The 2nd time (most recently, and the last time) I actually was a lot stronger and saw things much more clearly. Since I left, I have heard from him once, breaking plans we had only made a few nights prior and he has disappeared into the ether again. Only this time, I am not attempting to communicate with him at all. I know how this plays out.
There were enough things that I observed that actually had me questioning if he was an alcoholic and if the experiences I had with him were possibly related to the disease. I came on here and I can't read enough. It is a relief to have some validation from the stories I have read by others that have had similar experiences. I have read articles both about alcoholism and codependency that make me realize both of our roles. It is eye opening. At the same time, it makes me very sad for him.
I had waited a long long time for the man that I thought I knew to return. He is gone and locked up tightly somewhere, never to return. At least not for now. I realize that a friendship with him is not possible and might never be. I can't accept his terms and that is the only way he chooses to engage. So I've let him go. Now I seek information to hopefully better myself and grow stronger and hope that I never find myself in a relationship so devastating again. It makes you very scared to risk your heart at love. Now that I realize how blind I was - I don't know if and when I will be willing to take the risk and try again.
I only wish that I found this site a few years back to help me with my healing back then and better understand what I was dealing with to avoid some of the pain I have exposed myself to in reaching out to him again. Lessons learned I suppose.....
I fell in love with a man who I now realize was an alcoholic. We were so close and I loved him so very much. We were in our 40's and worked together. I even came to a point in our relationship where I thought he might be someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. Then everything changed.
I knew he drank. We were in an LTR and I did note that every time we were together alcohol was involved. I found myself drinking when I was with him but since it was on weekend's I didn't think much of it. There were times that I simply didn't want a drink but he always did. I was always his designated driver when we would go to someone's house but it never bothered me because I didn't mind not drinking - and I would rather be safe with one of us not drinking if there was a drive home in the near future. Still, didn't realize that there was a bigger issue staring me in the face.
It took me a very long time to get over it. It just seemed so illogical that it ended. We were so happy together and all the the things that took place at the end were so erratic and illogical. It didn't make sense and I thought for sure he would be back.
He never came back to stay. We saw each other a couple of times about a year in between. It would be the best visit ever, we would be intimate, he would speak of the future (like he did when we were in a relationship). Once I left for home, it was as if the night never happened. He returned to ignoring me nor contacting me. The 1st time I was devastated but it took me a lot less time to recover than when we initially broke up. The 2nd time (most recently, and the last time) I actually was a lot stronger and saw things much more clearly. Since I left, I have heard from him once, breaking plans we had only made a few nights prior and he has disappeared into the ether again. Only this time, I am not attempting to communicate with him at all. I know how this plays out.
There were enough things that I observed that actually had me questioning if he was an alcoholic and if the experiences I had with him were possibly related to the disease. I came on here and I can't read enough. It is a relief to have some validation from the stories I have read by others that have had similar experiences. I have read articles both about alcoholism and codependency that make me realize both of our roles. It is eye opening. At the same time, it makes me very sad for him.
I had waited a long long time for the man that I thought I knew to return. He is gone and locked up tightly somewhere, never to return. At least not for now. I realize that a friendship with him is not possible and might never be. I can't accept his terms and that is the only way he chooses to engage. So I've let him go. Now I seek information to hopefully better myself and grow stronger and hope that I never find myself in a relationship so devastating again. It makes you very scared to risk your heart at love. Now that I realize how blind I was - I don't know if and when I will be willing to take the risk and try again.
I only wish that I found this site a few years back to help me with my healing back then and better understand what I was dealing with to avoid some of the pain I have exposed myself to in reaching out to him again. Lessons learned I suppose.....
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
sorry for that little while he took you AS HIS HOSTAGE..(been there and dont that)
ur lucky, you broke the cycle, alot of woman WON'T
its hard to see the reality of it all, but grieving is only what we can do
and have compassion for them that they dont know any better and
that they are very sick...
~hugs
ur lucky, you broke the cycle, alot of woman WON'T
its hard to see the reality of it all, but grieving is only what we can do
and have compassion for them that they dont know any better and
that they are very sick...
~hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
What frustrates me is I still find my mind waffling back to wondering "what is wrong with me" that he does this or acts this way - after having had a great visit I was hoping that we could actually be friends again.
It bummed me out that he is doing it again - the disappearing act - but I am resolved not to let him or his behavior to me send me into depression and have kept myself busy. The thoughts that I had to try and understand why is what lead me here. For that I am grateful. Very grateful.
It bummed me out that he is doing it again - the disappearing act - but I am resolved not to let him or his behavior to me send me into depression and have kept myself busy. The thoughts that I had to try and understand why is what lead me here. For that I am grateful. Very grateful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Not2Old,
Alcoholics make very inconsistent and unreliable partners. I will tell you what everyone told me: an alcoholic's primary relationship is with the bottle. I understand how it hurts and makes you feel rejected but keep reading on SR, you will read stories about people who have even walked away from their own children.
The more you work on yourself, the more clarity you will have about his behavior. Strange how that works.
Hugs to you!!
Alcoholics make very inconsistent and unreliable partners. I will tell you what everyone told me: an alcoholic's primary relationship is with the bottle. I understand how it hurts and makes you feel rejected but keep reading on SR, you will read stories about people who have even walked away from their own children.
The more you work on yourself, the more clarity you will have about his behavior. Strange how that works.
Hugs to you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
DoS -
Thank you. I understand that.
I never understood how he could walk away from something he said he appreciated so much. The reasons never added up. His actions and words were always worlds apart. Now I understand that he doesn't think rationally and his habit is what aids him in sabotaging his own happiness.
To someone that doesn't drink, it just seems so easy to enjoy what you like or love. It is not easy to flip your thinking to understand it the way an alcoholic might. But then again, his love for the bottle was greater than his need to have me in his life in any capacity. Rejection is hurtful, regardless of the cause.
Thank you. I understand that.
I never understood how he could walk away from something he said he appreciated so much. The reasons never added up. His actions and words were always worlds apart. Now I understand that he doesn't think rationally and his habit is what aids him in sabotaging his own happiness.
To someone that doesn't drink, it just seems so easy to enjoy what you like or love. It is not easy to flip your thinking to understand it the way an alcoholic might. But then again, his love for the bottle was greater than his need to have me in his life in any capacity. Rejection is hurtful, regardless of the cause.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
NYDoglVr recently said something like in twenty years of dealing with recovery, she has never met a non-alcoholic who understood the way an alcoholic thinks. I loved that because it kind of released me from even trying to understand anymore.
My ex walked out on me too. Prior to that, he proclaimed his undying and passionate love for me ALL the time. In fact, we used to fight constantly about the fact he "loved me more than I loved him." Then his addiction got threatened, he took off, and now he hates me.
I have never been with a man who purportedly adored me like he did. He still left. And I don't want to sound arrogant but all my friends wondered what the h*ll I was doing with him. So my self esteem was kind of shattered when he left. I completely know how you feel.
I am starting to realize that I could have been ANYONE. The man is incapable of being in a relationship, period. Maybe he would have lasted with another alcoholic but that is about it. I'm sure your exbf is the same way.
You will get through this. It just takes time.
My ex walked out on me too. Prior to that, he proclaimed his undying and passionate love for me ALL the time. In fact, we used to fight constantly about the fact he "loved me more than I loved him." Then his addiction got threatened, he took off, and now he hates me.
I have never been with a man who purportedly adored me like he did. He still left. And I don't want to sound arrogant but all my friends wondered what the h*ll I was doing with him. So my self esteem was kind of shattered when he left. I completely know how you feel.
I am starting to realize that I could have been ANYONE. The man is incapable of being in a relationship, period. Maybe he would have lasted with another alcoholic but that is about it. I'm sure your exbf is the same way.
You will get through this. It just takes time.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Not2Old2Learn 
"what is wrong with me"
we need to take responsiblities on what we did
NOW
you can change...and change by reading and learning and growing....
have you read Melody Beatties "co dependent no more"....whats wrong with me was my question too...and i read this and it became so much CLEARER and my part....
once i stopped the pointing and the enabling...omy gosh, things became so much BETTER...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
