Just curious....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Just curious....
I am curious how long it took people to finally let go (and let God) of their addicted loved ones. How long were you in recovery before you finally made a change that was best for you?
I believe the Big Book states an average but I can not find it or remember what is was? Anybody know?
I believe the Big Book states an average but I can not find it or remember what is was? Anybody know?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
LMN, it took me well over a year of trying to control my son and his behaviors and that included the following:
1: getting my ring back from pawn shop and not telling my husband (post first relapse!)
2: stealing my sons pills and then letting him have them back to "sell" so he wouldn't get beat up by the drug dealer.
3: Asking my mom to help pay for car repairs and sneaking around check cashing places so my husband wouldn't find out.
4: knowing for about two months that my son had stolen jewelry from my lockbox and hiding that from my husband whilst telling myself that maybe my husband moved everything somewhere else and didn't tell me.
5: begging and pleading for my son to just tell me (!) that he was doing drugs and that he wanted to stop.
I could go on and on, but really what happened is I realized that no matter what I did, my son was not changing. He actually got worse and worse and I allowed it! For me, it was the day that I came home and saw that he had stolen the family x box from the living room and hid his crime by putting a monopoly jr. box under a towel. I lost my hope that I could change him. After that, you know what we have dealt with. Now, my son has a chance (really his last chance) for rehab. I love him dearly, I will support him and step away so he can seek the help he needs from those who walked before him.
I know its different with a spouse and I can only imagine that the pain is very great. I can only encourage you to let your husband go so that our God can do what needs to be done. It may not go according to your (my) desires, but it IS what is right for him and then it allows YOU to be open to what God has for YOU.
Keep posting, keep seeking Him.
Hugs,
Teresa
1: getting my ring back from pawn shop and not telling my husband (post first relapse!)
2: stealing my sons pills and then letting him have them back to "sell" so he wouldn't get beat up by the drug dealer.
3: Asking my mom to help pay for car repairs and sneaking around check cashing places so my husband wouldn't find out.
4: knowing for about two months that my son had stolen jewelry from my lockbox and hiding that from my husband whilst telling myself that maybe my husband moved everything somewhere else and didn't tell me.
5: begging and pleading for my son to just tell me (!) that he was doing drugs and that he wanted to stop.
I could go on and on, but really what happened is I realized that no matter what I did, my son was not changing. He actually got worse and worse and I allowed it! For me, it was the day that I came home and saw that he had stolen the family x box from the living room and hid his crime by putting a monopoly jr. box under a towel. I lost my hope that I could change him. After that, you know what we have dealt with. Now, my son has a chance (really his last chance) for rehab. I love him dearly, I will support him and step away so he can seek the help he needs from those who walked before him.
I know its different with a spouse and I can only imagine that the pain is very great. I can only encourage you to let your husband go so that our God can do what needs to be done. It may not go according to your (my) desires, but it IS what is right for him and then it allows YOU to be open to what God has for YOU.
Keep posting, keep seeking Him.
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
I believe the Big Book states an average but I can not find it or remember what is was? Anybody know?
You seem to have a deep bottom.
When you finally hit it, stats won't soften your landing.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by BeavsDad
If you find out you're below the average will you use it to convince yourself to hang in there awhile longer?
You seem to have a deep bottom.
When you finally hit it, stats won't soften your landing.
You seem to have a deep bottom.
When you finally hit it, stats won't soften your landing.
Not quite sure how to take that but if you are insulting me, I have to wonder why you feel that need.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
It took me about 4 years to recognize NOTHING I did made a lick of difference. Not the sleepless nights, not the constant worrying, not the countless calls from jail, not the gift cards or care packages I sent, not replacing all my sons clothes when they got stolen, not flying in when my son was suicidal to find he was just out with friends and wasn't picking up because I was "bugging" him (after him telling me as soon as he found bullets he was gone....and then not picking up for hours). Not finding out he had been sentenced to prison ...not for any type of a violent crime mind you...for not complying with probation. Not finding out the sentence was 24 months (to have it dropped to 4 for all the time he was supposedly compliant with probation)....not the lost jobs...the wrecked cars....the deep emotional crashes from using meth....NOTHING MADE A BIT OF DIFFERENCE. And I was drowning. But then...a little ray of hope....when he was given the option of leaving his minimum security prison he decided to stay an extra 4 months because he was feeling so much better in himself, attending meetings, and didn't have an address to get released to....I was encouraged. He wrote to his second cousin in California who had offered him a job, he wanted to go, he was excited, I flew in upon his release and we had a great weekend together...he looked amazing....my son was back, he was committed and he was strong mentally! He moved into an oxford house while he waited for approval for moving to California. And then....well you can guess the rest. It was my idea for him to move. He had only said he wanted to stay clean because it was what I wanted to hear. He had relapsed. He didn't care. He didn't want any help. He didn't care if I took back the phone I had given to help in the moving transition. He didn't care that he got kicked out of Oxford. He just flat out didn't care....so.....as heartless as it sounds I hit my bottom. I shut the phone off. I told him not to call me again until he was ready for help. 8 months later....I've had a call from jail (probation warrant)...he was completely hateful. And I've received a few text messages here and there...varying in degrees from ****** to really nice, saying he's working on staying clean and hopes I'm doing well..... he does ALWAYS say he loves me though. Through all of this....I am doing well. The day I dragged myself into an al-anon meeting my perspective began to change immensly. I will never have the power to change my son if he doesn't want to change. I have the power to change myself and I have the power to support him (without enabling) when he decides FOR HIMSELF he is ready for change. Until then...I pray. I'm sorry for that rant. Wow. Sheesh....are you sorry you asked? I don't think any statistics related to this topic would be valid. Everyone is different....every person reaches their bottom by different measures. Trust me, you'll know when you've hit it.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hmmmm. I know to take what I want and leave the rest but I feel the need to say this....if you have no ESH to share then why make a post?? Ignorant posts can do more harm then good. In fact, they say more about that person then they realize.
After reading a particular post, I found myself being very defensive and justifying my own situation. The old terminal unique thinking came right back. I am glad I have some tools to find my balance again but some of the newcomers may not. How sad that is for people trying to find support and guidance.
It's very easy to be a keyboard hero, give advice and/or be judgmental and arrogant, but it takes a lot of hard work to change. It's very humbling too. It takes a big person to admit that and a small mind to try and hurt that.
So I will take what I want and leave the rest. I have read enough posts to recognize real recovery and ESH as opposed to others who simply try to mimic someone's else style or recovery to make them feel better about themselves.
After reading a particular post, I found myself being very defensive and justifying my own situation. The old terminal unique thinking came right back. I am glad I have some tools to find my balance again but some of the newcomers may not. How sad that is for people trying to find support and guidance.
It's very easy to be a keyboard hero, give advice and/or be judgmental and arrogant, but it takes a lot of hard work to change. It's very humbling too. It takes a big person to admit that and a small mind to try and hurt that.
So I will take what I want and leave the rest. I have read enough posts to recognize real recovery and ESH as opposed to others who simply try to mimic someone's else style or recovery to make them feel better about themselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 62
The straw that broke the camels back for me was the stealing and pawning of sentimental jewelry. That was such a hurtful betrayal I couldn't take it. Right then and there I knew this was a drug addiction that I couldn't fix or allow to continue in my home. I did write and offer to pay for treatment for my ex but she wanted no parts of it. It has been one of the most painful difficult things I have ever dealt with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone ever for any reason.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
My bottom with my addict was when it hit me that he had become the person that I always warned him about.
And that other parents were probably telling their children to stay away from people like him.
And that other parents were probably telling their children to stay away from people like him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
I lived through 5 years of pure hell with my partner before I acknowledged the fact that I could not conquer her demons. 5 years was the point where I let go of her addiction.
We reconciled when she began to really clean up. It took another 9 months of us both working our own programs to realize that we're not meant for one another. 9 months of recovery is the point where I chose to let her, as a person, go.
We reconciled when she began to really clean up. It took another 9 months of us both working our own programs to realize that we're not meant for one another. 9 months of recovery is the point where I chose to let her, as a person, go.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It took me probably 6 or more years to completely let go...what can I say, I'm a slow learner and it came in baby steps for me.
But once I learn I never forget so those years were worth the journey because it led me to where I am today, in a much better place where I can look back and ask myself "what WAS I thinking?.
LMN, recovery isn't a course from which we graduate, it's a learning process from which we grow, and you have grown so much this past year so don't beat yourself up thinking you'll never get it. You've already got it, now you just need more practice on how to use it.
I love it when I sound bossy, I get so few opportunities.
Hugs
But once I learn I never forget so those years were worth the journey because it led me to where I am today, in a much better place where I can look back and ask myself "what WAS I thinking?.
LMN, recovery isn't a course from which we graduate, it's a learning process from which we grow, and you have grown so much this past year so don't beat yourself up thinking you'll never get it. You've already got it, now you just need more practice on how to use it.
I love it when I sound bossy, I get so few opportunities.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Ann
It took me probably 6 or more years to completely let go...what can I say, I'm a slow learner and it came in baby steps for me.
But once I learn I never forget so those years were worth the journey because it led me to where I am today, in a much better place where I can look back and ask myself "what WAS I thinking?.
LMN, recovery isn't a course from which we graduate, it's a learning process from which we grow, and you have grown so much this past year so don't beat yourself up thinking you'll never get it. You've already got it, now you just need more practice on how to use it.
I love it when I sound bossy, I get so few opportunities.
Hugs
But once I learn I never forget so those years were worth the journey because it led me to where I am today, in a much better place where I can look back and ask myself "what WAS I thinking?.
LMN, recovery isn't a course from which we graduate, it's a learning process from which we grow, and you have grown so much this past year so don't beat yourself up thinking you'll never get it. You've already got it, now you just need more practice on how to use it.
I love it when I sound bossy, I get so few opportunities.
Hugs
As always, thank you Ann!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
In Al-Anon it is often said,
"Work the program you wish the alcoholic would work."
If you picked up copy of "How Al-Anon Works" at the meetings, LMN, I think going deep into that book over the next few days could be very helpful to you. I honestly feel that a thorough and deep working of the Twelve Steps--not alone, because then you are not challenged by objective feedback on your thinking--will give you something useful and meaningful to do that brings the focus on you. I do not think you will find peace until you work the Steps. It's only my opinion--you or others may disagree.
Here is a passage from the book (just insert "addiction" or "addict" in place of "alcoholic" and "alcoholism", etc):
"Each of our lives has been devastated by someone else's drinking. We cannot change that fact. We have been profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism. Its effects continue to permeate our lives. Nor can we change the behavior or attitudes of those around us. We can't even put a stop to the drinking. We are powerless over alcohol. As long as we persist in the delusion that we can control or cure alcoholism, its symptoms, or its effects, we continue to fight a battle that we cannot win. Our self-esteem suffers, our relationships suffer, and our ability to enjoy life suffers. All of our energy is wasted on a hopeless endeavor until there is nothing left over for attending to our own needs. Our lives have become unmanageable.
Whether or not we still live with active drinking, life is unmanageable whenever we lose perspective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense at actions that have nothing to do with us. Or we intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others. Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, resented, and doomed to failure. Instead of helping those we care about, we demonstrate a lack of respect for them and create discord in our relationships. . . . .
Taking the First Step allows a great weight to fall from our shoulders. We let go of the losing battle we have been waging. We recognize that there is no point in continuing the fight. We surrender completely.
This is no small achievement. The battle against alcoholism has become the basis for many of our relationships. For example, many of us have confused love with interference. We don't know how to show affection or support without giving advice, seeking to sway another's decisions, or trying to get those we love to do what we think will bring them happiness. We confuse caring with controlling because we don't know how to allow others the dignity of being themselves."
The book has everything in it one needs to find her answers, I believe. But it takes commitment to work through the Twelve Steps, one by one, with another person. Commitment, a schedule, a workbook, and a sponsor or a counselor to do the listening and offer the attentive and nonjudgmental witnessing of what you need to explore and admit about your role in the alcoholic family.
"Work the program you wish the alcoholic would work."
If you picked up copy of "How Al-Anon Works" at the meetings, LMN, I think going deep into that book over the next few days could be very helpful to you. I honestly feel that a thorough and deep working of the Twelve Steps--not alone, because then you are not challenged by objective feedback on your thinking--will give you something useful and meaningful to do that brings the focus on you. I do not think you will find peace until you work the Steps. It's only my opinion--you or others may disagree.
Here is a passage from the book (just insert "addiction" or "addict" in place of "alcoholic" and "alcoholism", etc):
"Each of our lives has been devastated by someone else's drinking. We cannot change that fact. We have been profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism. Its effects continue to permeate our lives. Nor can we change the behavior or attitudes of those around us. We can't even put a stop to the drinking. We are powerless over alcohol. As long as we persist in the delusion that we can control or cure alcoholism, its symptoms, or its effects, we continue to fight a battle that we cannot win. Our self-esteem suffers, our relationships suffer, and our ability to enjoy life suffers. All of our energy is wasted on a hopeless endeavor until there is nothing left over for attending to our own needs. Our lives have become unmanageable.
Whether or not we still live with active drinking, life is unmanageable whenever we lose perspective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense at actions that have nothing to do with us. Or we intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others. Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, resented, and doomed to failure. Instead of helping those we care about, we demonstrate a lack of respect for them and create discord in our relationships. . . . .
Taking the First Step allows a great weight to fall from our shoulders. We let go of the losing battle we have been waging. We recognize that there is no point in continuing the fight. We surrender completely.
This is no small achievement. The battle against alcoholism has become the basis for many of our relationships. For example, many of us have confused love with interference. We don't know how to show affection or support without giving advice, seeking to sway another's decisions, or trying to get those we love to do what we think will bring them happiness. We confuse caring with controlling because we don't know how to allow others the dignity of being themselves."
The book has everything in it one needs to find her answers, I believe. But it takes commitment to work through the Twelve Steps, one by one, with another person. Commitment, a schedule, a workbook, and a sponsor or a counselor to do the listening and offer the attentive and nonjudgmental witnessing of what you need to explore and admit about your role in the alcoholic family.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I get what BeavsDad said, and it wasn't an insult. I consider myself a low-bottom codie. I didn't let go until I was financially, emotionally, mentally, morally, and spiritually bankrupt. It took about a year to get out of the fog, a couple years of hard work, and then maintenance since then.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Thinking of you today. 
I don't know if I actually ever totally let go of my son though definitely had a turning point two years ago, finally realizing that I had to back off and seek a more sane existence; pretty significant for me, and I feel I've become healthier since then.
I just wanted to thank you for being here for all of us and to let you know that much of what you've shared has been appreciated, including what you've posted from The Language of Letting Go - so helpful and more than once my focus to get through the day.
I don't know if I actually ever totally let go of my son though definitely had a turning point two years ago, finally realizing that I had to back off and seek a more sane existence; pretty significant for me, and I feel I've become healthier since then.
I just wanted to thank you for being here for all of us and to let you know that much of what you've shared has been appreciated, including what you've posted from The Language of Letting Go - so helpful and more than once my focus to get through the day.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Anaya
Thinking of you today.
I don't know if I actually ever totally let go of my son though definitely had a turning point two years ago, finally realizing that I had to back off and seek a more sane existence; pretty significant for me, and I feel I've become healthier since then.
I just wanted to thank you for being here for all of us and to let you know that much of what you've shared has been appreciated, including what you've posted from The Language of Letting Go - so helpful and more than once my focus to get through the day.
I don't know if I actually ever totally let go of my son though definitely had a turning point two years ago, finally realizing that I had to back off and seek a more sane existence; pretty significant for me, and I feel I've become healthier since then.
I just wanted to thank you for being here for all of us and to let you know that much of what you've shared has been appreciated, including what you've posted from The Language of Letting Go - so helpful and more than once my focus to get through the day.
Thank you.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It took me 3 years with Kenneth. Joined Alanon june 7, 1984 and filed for divorce one June 9, 1987 and it was final July 10, 1987 (Nevada).
This last time, spent 10 months in 2010 with first love before I realized I was right back on the 'crazy train', cut ties, but it again took me with a lot of hard work on me from 11/10 until about April or May of 2012.
Everyone is different LMN and it takes each of us a different amount of time. Fortunately I had learned the lesson in AA pretty darn well of NOT comparing my recovery to other peoples recovery. That in itself is hard.
You will get there when you get there. The 'trick' is ................................. just keep working on you!!!
Love and hugs,
This last time, spent 10 months in 2010 with first love before I realized I was right back on the 'crazy train', cut ties, but it again took me with a lot of hard work on me from 11/10 until about April or May of 2012.
Everyone is different LMN and it takes each of us a different amount of time. Fortunately I had learned the lesson in AA pretty darn well of NOT comparing my recovery to other peoples recovery. That in itself is hard.
You will get there when you get there. The 'trick' is ................................. just keep working on you!!!
Love and hugs,
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