Acheleus

Still sober and cigarette free. Tempted today to start drinking, but I am going to study instead. Feeling very angry and depressed. Sobriety is not fun right now, makes me think I am mentally ill and not an alcoholic.

Nonsensical

Hang in their, Buddy. 23 days is AWESOME. Don't give it away.

Nuudawn

Good morning Achelus. Well, the pining for alcohol..to me..indicates addiction..not mental illness. Arresting addiction is a bit of a mindfook... your addiction is telling you, it requires alcohol to enjoy life. I suspect if you were really enjoying your life with alcohol..there would have been no reason to stop. Why did you stop drinking and smoking? Think back to that decision. Your addiction is telling you it NEEDS to be fed
"take away the need or the greed, and the victim doesn't fall for the trick".

You are wallowing in deprivation rather than focusing on what sobriety has to offer. You yourself said that sobriety gifts you with creativity. Sobriety gives you wide open spaces and a return to your senses..for you to fill. I too am struggling with a bit of lethargy and expecting everything to start falling into line..but my brain on a physiological level..is healing.
Why do you want to return to life sticking your head in the sands of denial..living under the rock...hiding in the darkness rather than standing in the light with all opportunity and potential at your feet?

What is SO attractive about a lifestyle including alcohol? Are you able to articulate that?

Drakken

23 days without a smoke or drink?!? That is something to be really freakin proud of. So sure as hell, do not forget that. I still don't know how I am going to kick smokes, but I have noticed without the drink smoking isn't what it used to be. Maybe that will help me when I am ready.

Take care, don't loose sight of your goal. Read here about all the people that have done it and would never go back.

Mizzuno

Hey Acheleus. You are doing fabulous. Have you considered talking with anyone about your depressed state. Your school may have resources for you. I know I've asked this before. I'm here for you Acheleus. You will get through.

Olive1

Hi Acheleus,
Good job on another day sober!
I was sad, mad, frustrated, sick, lonely, sad, lonely, mad, sad for a good many, many months of my early sobriety.
All I can say is that it finally got better for me and it was well worth it.
Patience. And deep breaths.
You can prevail.

Nuudawn

Achelus..where did you go?
I want you to write out all your reasons for drinking. Muster up all your creative genius and pour it all out..convince us..give us your best damn arguement as to why drinking is better. Write an essay for us on why Achelus needs alcohol to enjoy life and all its benefits.
Wait for at least a dozen to 15 responses...
If you still want to drink..go ahead.
But write the damn essay of your life before you do. Deal?

Acheleus

Yes deal. I want to hear music without drinking, but I do not trust myself.

Olive1

I had to wait to do trigger-friendly activities until I felt a lot better about myself and my goals.

Acheleus

I just want to be able to walk around and listen to this music festival thing that is going on today. It's not that I want to drink it's that I don't trust my self to be around a bunch of bars without going in and getting drunk. Being alone all the time is getting old, and I would like to meet and talk to people, that is all. But I will go fishing instead and come back and study for my class and work on short stories and poetry. I'm just more unhappy than I have been in years and I don't know why because it is summer and I...feel like my life is passing me by and I don't have any friends or memories. One day I was running and I saw a dead buzzard on the sidewalk and a dead squirrel. That's how I feel, I just don't have any confidence or ability to live my life because of horrible things that have happened to me and I never faced them, I just drank, and I feel like I am my true self when I drink. So I will fight another day and have boring ******* day after boring ******* day and then one day I will be old and dying. So time to go fishing down by the lake.

Nuudawn

Hey Achelus.. you've been on my mind and one of the things I was thinking is that you are indeed "isolating" ..and that's dangerous. Ok..folks here might disagree with me but I HAVE been to pubs or around people drinking. I have either drank N/A beer or virgin cocktails..or club soda and lime juice. I've been okay. I actually wanted to go to a pub last weekend to "karaoke". I used to sing and songwrite...but booze took away all my desire and creativity eventually. I don't sing anymore..and the only time I've been at karaoke (cuz I probably secretly think its goofy)..I've had to get completely hammered to get up and sing..and guess what? I don't sing well hammered.

I am now looking forward to going to Karaoke and getting up to see if I can still...actually sing. But I WON'T be drinking..my resolve is pretty strong..that I want to give sobriety a chance. I was spinning my wheels far too long getting nowhere drinking. What's out there when I'm in my right mind? What can I accomplish if I can "mind" myself 24/7 instead of comatosing my brain and opening myself to dangers of all sorts when I'm not able to think clearly?

There is nothing wrong with going out to enjoy music and the socialization of other people...but you have to commit to assessing and observing the atmosphere SOBER..if it's too tough..get the hell out...cuz then you'll know..that's not why you actually went.

I was reading this morning about how when little kids go to birthday parties..they are shy and awkward and nervous at first...but give them a half an hour to asses and get comfortable..they are running around screaming their heads off having the times of their lives. ..no alcohol required to get comfortable...they just needed a little time to get comfortable in the surrounding.

Acheleus

Yes I have been isolating but I tried to walk to the fishing spot and now my knee hurts like hell again. So I will try to walk in a little while. I don't want to be alone. Nothing makes sense right now.

Olive1

Hi Acheleus,
When I quit drinking I was sad and lonely.
Drinking was my best, best friend. When I finally quit for good, it was like my best friend died.
I had to mourn the loss of my best friend, because they were never, ever coming back.
Once I got through the healing process of my best friend dying, I discovered I only went to hang out with all those folks to drink and I drank in order to hang out with those folks.
Basically, I like myself, and I like hanging out with myself.
Now, you may not be as socially awkward and agoraphobic as me, but you probably will be sad for a while.
I am pretty sure you will feel much better once you get some sober time.
Take a deep breath and give it a chance.

Nuudawn

Do you have any friends to talk to? Someone to go have coffee with? Friends from school?

Acheleus

No I don't have any friends. I went and walked a lot tonight, just listening to my ipod and watching people go out, and I came home and realized it is a waste of life to sit somewhere and drink all night. So I am going to the grocery store now and then going to study. I made it through and I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Dee74

While I agree with most of what Nuudawn says I don't believe it's true that the only two alternatives are isolating or sitting in a pub.

Like I just said to someone else - there's a million things to do on any given day - a good 900 thousand of them don't need to involve alcohol at all.

I have to agree with Miz too - you seem to be depressed a lot - are you resistant to getting help for that Acheleus?

D

Mizzuno

Acheleus. It is time to change the negative into the positive. All these negative thoughts will keep you in a place of depression, and anxiousness. Will you please schedule an appointment with a counselor to talk to them about all these things that you have not faced and drank over? This is the way to get through to the other side. You are not meant to be unhappy, you are not meant to feel anxious, worried, overwhelmed, and hopeless. You are not going to die alone A. Some things have to be worked on, and you have the strength to do it. I encourage you to take this step, or take a step into some kind of direction that will relieve you of this pain that you are feeling. (((HUG))) What steps can you take?

Acheleus

I need to see a doctor about my depression. It is rampant on one side of my family, led to suicides, bad stuff. People not getting out of bed and stuff. When I was 12 I was diagnosed with dysthymia. I have saved some money and I will set up a doctor's appointment even though I don't have health insurance, but I will be getting it in August. Thank you guys, I have just been stressed out about school. But on the way home I did talk to a girl and walked with her, she was nice and we talked and I didn't feel nervous. I laughed and joked. And she lives across the street from me. So I am learning how to live without alcohol. Most of the time I am stressed about school and my future career, but I need to learn to stop and smell the roses. I want to play music so I am going to work on that and branch out, try to find some people to play with. Alcohol just took up so much of my time, and I appreciate the help from everyone on here. I am not depressed all the time, but I do have a lot of bad memories and I miss my mom who I cut off all contact with about five years ago, I feel guilty about that. She had mental illness and substance abuse problems. Tonight I was proud of myself for getting out and walking around without going into a bar. I heard some good bands and I got a lot of exercise. I even think my knee is better!

Acheleus

I need to EAT! I feel sad and crazy when I don't eat! I haven't been eating breakfast and I need to get some sleep tonight. The class I am taking is intensive. We do a half a year's worth of work in four weeks. So that is the main reason why I feel depressed. Academia is VERY isolating. Thanks you guys. Going to get food then I will be on later.

fantail

This is a really important point! I know it sounds silly but this happens to me constantly. I really noticed it recently when I was on a bicycle trip and using lots of energy. If I went too long without eating, I wouldn't necessarily feel hungry... I would just start hating everything. Seriously. Anger and lack of interest would just explode in my head.

I've started carrying granola bars with me to snack on every few hours and it really helps my mood swings.