"maybe it isn't/wasn't that bad" - the addict talking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
"maybe it isn't/wasn't that bad" - the addict talking
When I was struggling with the final step in leaving my STBXAH this was something I said in therapy - I kept saying, maybe I'm just expecting too much and maybe "it isn't that bad". My therapist said - oh...now you sound like the alcoholic. I was pissed for a minute and then thought about it - he was right. That thinking is what keeps an addict (in my case my addiction was my relationship/having a relationship really) using - in my case that thinking had kept me staying so I could take another "drink" of my AH so to speak, so I could keep things as they are/were and keep using my DOC - my AH. I would almost say my addiction was an image - an image of having a perfect life with a relationship - but the details don't matter, the "maybe it isn't that bad" is addict thinking whatever the addiction is.
The addiction is why I continued to stay (for much longer than I wanted to - no I do not believe that I left at "exactly the right time" - but I left when I left and it is what it is so no regrets since I can't change the past). Yes my addition is why I stayed so long, I didn't want to do the hard work and pull off the band aid and deal with the pain of withdrawal. My head was saying yes and my addiction was saying no - it took me two years to see that and once I saw that was when I was able to start taking the first step of separating a year later, then it took me another year to get to now to take the final steps of legally separating and getting a place with just my name on it.
I'll even confess and say sometimes even though my decision is set and I'm done I still think - maybe I screwed up and it wasn't that bad...that's my addiction wanting to keep using my DOC - my STBXAH. Addiction of any kind is cunning, baffling and powerful.
I wrote this because I saw lately a lot of threads asking when do you know you're ready and why is it so hard to leave? For me it was hard to leave because my addiction was pulling me back...for me I really didn't feel that "right time" to leave - for me I had this moment where I thought "you know what Aeryn? If you sit around and wait for it to feel exactly right it's never gonna happen because your addiction to this relationship will always pull you back in - so make a decision." I decided to just do it and even when the feelings of "maybe it isn't that bad" crept in I kept doing it anyway - What I told my therapist at that point was "well ready or not I'm doing it". So I guess that was my ready because now that I've done it I know it was the right decision.
I'm not saying it wasn't/isn't hard or that I don't love my STBXAH - I do actually, but my life was unmanageable, his addiction made me third or fourth place in his life and I wasn't happy (oh and YES he did rehab twice and made several recovery attempts - I rode that bus too) - and that wasn't good enough for me anymore. So here I am - I know I'm making the right choice, my choice is set because I've signed the new lease and am moving in less than 60 days and the legal process is in action - sometimes I feel sad, sometimes excited, sometimes happy, sometimes scared - but no matter what I feel I made the right decision. I got lucky because the split is amicable and we already separated into separate properties we own so it's not a rush....that was my step last year, moving into our separate properties that we jointly owned...then I got stuck there until now, stuck in the "still married but not together" category. And now I'm moving to my own place and we are legally separating - my next step. Either way emotionally it is hard and those words still creep up sometimes (maybe it wasn't that bad)....but they creep in less and less as the days pass.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
The addiction is why I continued to stay (for much longer than I wanted to - no I do not believe that I left at "exactly the right time" - but I left when I left and it is what it is so no regrets since I can't change the past). Yes my addition is why I stayed so long, I didn't want to do the hard work and pull off the band aid and deal with the pain of withdrawal. My head was saying yes and my addiction was saying no - it took me two years to see that and once I saw that was when I was able to start taking the first step of separating a year later, then it took me another year to get to now to take the final steps of legally separating and getting a place with just my name on it.
I'll even confess and say sometimes even though my decision is set and I'm done I still think - maybe I screwed up and it wasn't that bad...that's my addiction wanting to keep using my DOC - my STBXAH. Addiction of any kind is cunning, baffling and powerful.
I wrote this because I saw lately a lot of threads asking when do you know you're ready and why is it so hard to leave? For me it was hard to leave because my addiction was pulling me back...for me I really didn't feel that "right time" to leave - for me I had this moment where I thought "you know what Aeryn? If you sit around and wait for it to feel exactly right it's never gonna happen because your addiction to this relationship will always pull you back in - so make a decision." I decided to just do it and even when the feelings of "maybe it isn't that bad" crept in I kept doing it anyway - What I told my therapist at that point was "well ready or not I'm doing it". So I guess that was my ready because now that I've done it I know it was the right decision.
I'm not saying it wasn't/isn't hard or that I don't love my STBXAH - I do actually, but my life was unmanageable, his addiction made me third or fourth place in his life and I wasn't happy (oh and YES he did rehab twice and made several recovery attempts - I rode that bus too) - and that wasn't good enough for me anymore. So here I am - I know I'm making the right choice, my choice is set because I've signed the new lease and am moving in less than 60 days and the legal process is in action - sometimes I feel sad, sometimes excited, sometimes happy, sometimes scared - but no matter what I feel I made the right decision. I got lucky because the split is amicable and we already separated into separate properties we own so it's not a rush....that was my step last year, moving into our separate properties that we jointly owned...then I got stuck there until now, stuck in the "still married but not together" category. And now I'm moving to my own place and we are legally separating - my next step. Either way emotionally it is hard and those words still creep up sometimes (maybe it wasn't that bad)....but they creep in less and less as the days pass.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow, Aeryn--GREAT post, and so true. We are addicted to them in almost the same way as the alcoholic is to the booze. And realizing how hard it is for us to change gives us a teensy insight into how hard it is for the alcoholic to stop drinking. Very hard to let go of the delusion that THIS TIME it will be different. It's that same delusion of control.
Sounds like you are doing GREAT.
Sounds like you are doing GREAT.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Wicked posted these a few weeks ago...i saved it
I mention this just to have you think about keeping a list.
Not to build resentments or a scorekeeper.
Just to keep your resolve up for when you have to tell him to go.
Just a reminder of what has happened before,
and when the apology starts, you remember "hey, we played this game last month, I am not doing this again.""what have I been forgiving and for how long?"
The apologies for the same behavior got old to me.
When the weeping and crying and "woe is me" stuff started,
it got so bad with me (resentments were HUGE for me) that I actually wanted to slap him and tell him to be quiet.
Just stop saying you mean it, because you do not.
You just repeat that behavior, and then apologize and then next week,
I just love this idea....because like you said, we start sounding like the As in our life
I mention this just to have you think about keeping a list.
Not to build resentments or a scorekeeper.
Just to keep your resolve up for when you have to tell him to go.
Just a reminder of what has happened before,
and when the apology starts, you remember "hey, we played this game last month, I am not doing this again.""what have I been forgiving and for how long?"
The apologies for the same behavior got old to me.
When the weeping and crying and "woe is me" stuff started,
it got so bad with me (resentments were HUGE for me) that I actually wanted to slap him and tell him to be quiet.
Just stop saying you mean it, because you do not.
You just repeat that behavior, and then apologize and then next week,
I just love this idea....because like you said, we start sounding like the As in our life
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Totally. My children do this too. 'Mommm, it wasn't THAT bad.'
The domestic violence counsellor says this is banalisation. And it's really unhealthy. Drunkeness, threatening behavior, violence, lying. Starts to seem normal after a while. You deal with something and over time you forget how bad it really is.
Glad you are getting out!
The domestic violence counsellor says this is banalisation. And it's really unhealthy. Drunkeness, threatening behavior, violence, lying. Starts to seem normal after a while. You deal with something and over time you forget how bad it really is.
Glad you are getting out!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Absolutely---we're addicted to them, like they are to alcohol or whatever substance.
I hate this though---we're in need of love, and we can't seem to get it.
Sometimes I wish I could just be addicted to drinking. But to live without love...how?
I hate this though---we're in need of love, and we can't seem to get it.
Sometimes I wish I could just be addicted to drinking. But to live without love...how?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Sometimes I wish I could just be addicted to drinking. But to live without love...how?
I don't know.
I know I am lonely and tired.
this too, shall pass. but I am not liking it much.
Beth
And Aeryn, yeah, it was that bad, and it will get worse, it is the nature of the beast.
good on you, and definitely those moments will get further apart, when you have doubts about separating and living separate lives.
Those doubts will dissipate like wisps of clouds.
Poof, gone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain 
Absolutely---we're addicted to them, like they are to alcohol or whatever substance.
I hate this though---we're in need of love, and we can't seem to get it.
Sometimes I wish I could just be addicted to drinking. But to live without love...how?
I hate this though---we're in need of love, and we can't seem to get it.
Sometimes I wish I could just be addicted to drinking. But to live without love...how?
We get addicted to the IDEA of love, or the MEMORY of love. Because we sure aren't getting real love from an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by wicked
Well, I was addicted to drinking, and to bad relationships, but living without any love?
I don't know.
I know I am lonely and tired.
this too, shall pass. but I am not liking it much.
Beth
And Aeryn, yeah, it was that bad, and it will get worse, it is the nature of the beast.
good on you, and definitely those moments will get further apart, when you have doubts about separating and living separate lives.
Those doubts will dissipate like wisps of clouds.
Poof, gone.
I don't know.
I know I am lonely and tired.
this too, shall pass. but I am not liking it much.
Beth
And Aeryn, yeah, it was that bad, and it will get worse, it is the nature of the beast.
good on you, and definitely those moments will get further apart, when you have doubts about separating and living separate lives.
Those doubts will dissipate like wisps of clouds.
Poof, gone.
I was looking for a simple HUG smilie for you! But a doggie is good too!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thank you so very much for posting this. It reminds us that we're responsible for our actions ... if we stay with a destructive person then that's what we'll get. All addictions (including alcoholism and codependency) have two things in common: denial and rationalization. I had to be out of it a while to see how screwed up I was and far from being a victim. I congratulate you on your honest thinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by wicked
And Aeryn, yeah, it was that bad, and it will get worse, it is the nature of the beast.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Thank you. I needed this post this morning. I'm on my final week here and I woke up this morning wondering what the heck I'm doing and if I have the strength to follow through. I look at AH and have all these emotions that keep drawing me back even though I know it's a bad situation for me. I'm going to keep rereading this when I falter.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Aeryn - what a great and insightful post! Yes - we stay until we have exhausted all options and are truly ready to surrender. I was there. I played the game and rode the merry-go-round. I couldn't get off until I finally saw, on my own, that... yes, it IS that bad. Each person has to travel their own journey and learn the lessons on their own timeline.
It's hard to stand back and watch newcomers suffer and struggle - but I truly believe that's how I finally began to learn what real detachment looked like. Practicing it here helped me get better at doing it with my exhusband, co-workers, children, etc!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 31
Thank you so much for this. All weekend these thoughts went through my head:
Was is really so awful that he would stay out all night on a cocaine and alcohol bender, ignoring my pleas for him to at least communicate that he was still alive?
Was it really so bad that my reactions were to reach for another sleeping pill because there's no way I was ever going to relax again? So what if I ended up in hospital?! He says he loves me! He says he'll change!
Was it so bad that he poured and guzzled a glass of wine at 11am every weekend before we even walked out of the condo to enjoy our day?
It's not THAT bad that we'd show up to a dinner party and he'd be 8 drinks ahead of everyone else?
Lots of people smoke pot in Canada. Is it THAT bad that he does it every day??
YES!!!!!!!! It IS that bad!
Clarity of thought is a powerful motivator. I need to heal my psyche. I can't do it with an active alcoholic distracting me from the real work that I need to do on myself.
Thank you so much for your insight.
Amy
Was is really so awful that he would stay out all night on a cocaine and alcohol bender, ignoring my pleas for him to at least communicate that he was still alive?
Was it really so bad that my reactions were to reach for another sleeping pill because there's no way I was ever going to relax again? So what if I ended up in hospital?! He says he loves me! He says he'll change!
Was it so bad that he poured and guzzled a glass of wine at 11am every weekend before we even walked out of the condo to enjoy our day?
It's not THAT bad that we'd show up to a dinner party and he'd be 8 drinks ahead of everyone else?
Lots of people smoke pot in Canada. Is it THAT bad that he does it every day??
YES!!!!!!!! It IS that bad!
Clarity of thought is a powerful motivator. I need to heal my psyche. I can't do it with an active alcoholic distracting me from the real work that I need to do on myself.
Thank you so much for your insight.
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I thought I'd post my update in here (this thread for me is something I read when I feel my relationship addition of "it's not that bad" trying rear it's head) - as I progress and my move date gets closer I can feel my addiction to being in a relationship and an image (at any costs) loosening and I'm starting to feel free.
It's all coming together. My move out date is 31 days away - boxes are packed and it's a done deal. In addition I reconnected with my creative writing interests - I was a successful writer before I met my STBXAH and due to the chaos of the marriage I lost time and never had time for anything except to keep my image afloat (house cleaning, my more practical job, cleaning up the AH's messes etc etc). Well - I'm back in writing classes and I joined an online writers group!! Woo Hoo! I'm already meeting new friends. My regular job is going well and I've re-organized my workload to give me more time to write and to try these hot yoga classes another friend of mine has been trying to get me into. I no longer feel desperate to be in a relationship and I know that unless I find someone as healthy as me I will not enter a relationship. They say you attract people you want to attract and I can feel that attraction for people in "need" lessening (I want someone healthy and in an emotional place similar to mine). I've slowly backed off from certain friends and have strengthened only the healthy friendships, I even met some potential new friends in the writers group.
The best part is I *FEEL* better - I went to Alanon and for the first time didn't feel desperate to be there I was just there, I now see Alanon as a raft (as m1k3 so eloquently put it in another thread) and I can see the edge of the river and one day I know I will no longer need the raft to swim.
Finally I feel I'm almost out of limbo...and opening the door to the bridge on the other side - It's good to be almost inside - thank you to everyone for waiting on me to get there when it was meant to be for me.
It's all coming together. My move out date is 31 days away - boxes are packed and it's a done deal. In addition I reconnected with my creative writing interests - I was a successful writer before I met my STBXAH and due to the chaos of the marriage I lost time and never had time for anything except to keep my image afloat (house cleaning, my more practical job, cleaning up the AH's messes etc etc). Well - I'm back in writing classes and I joined an online writers group!! Woo Hoo! I'm already meeting new friends. My regular job is going well and I've re-organized my workload to give me more time to write and to try these hot yoga classes another friend of mine has been trying to get me into. I no longer feel desperate to be in a relationship and I know that unless I find someone as healthy as me I will not enter a relationship. They say you attract people you want to attract and I can feel that attraction for people in "need" lessening (I want someone healthy and in an emotional place similar to mine). I've slowly backed off from certain friends and have strengthened only the healthy friendships, I even met some potential new friends in the writers group.
The best part is I *FEEL* better - I went to Alanon and for the first time didn't feel desperate to be there I was just there, I now see Alanon as a raft (as m1k3 so eloquently put it in another thread) and I can see the edge of the river and one day I know I will no longer need the raft to swim.
Finally I feel I'm almost out of limbo...and opening the door to the bridge on the other side - It's good to be almost inside - thank you to everyone for waiting on me to get there when it was meant to be for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
PS - My STBXAH is yet on ANOTHER stint at sobriety where he has sobered up, is remorseful and is taking care of his life. The old me would have stopped my plans and gone running back only to have the roller coaster crash again in a few months. I now see the roller coaster for what it is - my eyes are wide open.
The new me is happy for me and is going to continue my path. The new me wishes the best for him but knows the reality - the new me knows his path is his and it's not my obligation or burden to travel it with him. The new me knows my life is about me not about someone else and how they are or aren't doing in their recovery or non-recovery or whatever it may be. His life is his to live and it's not my business - my business is continuing my life to its fullest.
The new me is happy for me and is going to continue my path. The new me wishes the best for him but knows the reality - the new me knows his path is his and it's not my obligation or burden to travel it with him. The new me knows my life is about me not about someone else and how they are or aren't doing in their recovery or non-recovery or whatever it may be. His life is his to live and it's not my business - my business is continuing my life to its fullest.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 42
Aeryn - So happy to read about your recovery! What a great role model you are to our community.
I am so very grateful for your post this morning. My XABF moved out just about a month ago, and during the last couple of days I started having a bit of an empty feeling and missing "him". Your post is a reminder to me that my loneliness is just my addiction talking and what I truly miss is that hope (denial & rationalization) of a good relationship with him. I came to SR this morning to re-read some of the threads I started to remind myself of the pain I experienced while with this man, but I am so happy that I ran across your thread first.
Karin
I am so very grateful for your post this morning. My XABF moved out just about a month ago, and during the last couple of days I started having a bit of an empty feeling and missing "him". Your post is a reminder to me that my loneliness is just my addiction talking and what I truly miss is that hope (denial & rationalization) of a good relationship with him. I came to SR this morning to re-read some of the threads I started to remind myself of the pain I experienced while with this man, but I am so happy that I ran across your thread first.
Karin
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by calblondie
My XABF moved out just about a month ago, and during the last couple of days I started having a bit of an empty feeling and missing "him". Your post is a reminder to me that my loneliness is just my addiction talking and what I truly miss is that hope (denial & rationalization) of a good relationship with him.
I look back and think of all the times my AH was "recovering" and how I tried to "recover" with him...I spent a lot of time trying to convince others he was the exception but I was really trying to convince myself...that was my addiction talking as well. Time away from it made that so much more clear to me.
I started thinking about all the opportunities my path is opening up for me versus all the opportunities closed to me when I chose to stay in limbo with my STBXAH hoping my relationship was the exception. I'm so glad for my decision - I feel like I can now work on me and heal myself to the point I will no longer be defined by my relationship to an alcoholic..I want to be a normie and for the first time I feel it's possible. What I'm sort of realizing now is even if my AH did seek recovery I'm not sure that is the life I would want for myself...it's a strange realization. I'm not saying I don't want him to recover I'm just saying the recovery lifestyle isn't what *I* want for me in terms of the relationship I'm in. So I wish him the best but even if he seeks recovery and maintains it for over a year I at this point in my life don't see myself with him (plus likely I don't even know the real him since it's buried beneath the alcohol)...now things can change and I don't know the future but that's how I feel now in this moment.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
