melis

My husband has been a marijuana user for years. Over the past year, his use got very heavy and within the past few months he started using pills. A few weeks ago he was caught stealing from work (a family company) so we had a family meeting, an intervention of sorts, and he agreed he needed help. He went to a 10 day inpatient rehab. He came back home a week ago. I'm having a VERY hard time since he's been home. I don't know how to detach and let go. I check his phone records, his texts, I question him whenever he leaves the house. My anxiety is sky high, I don't believe a word he says, I'm angry, I question his every move... the list could go on and on. Obviously this frustrates him. I am constantly on the look out to see if I can tell if he's using again. I hate this. We are fighting a lot, and I am miserable. I had been hoping that things would be better when he got out of treatment, but right now, I almost feel like things are worse because I am so insecure and scared.

How do I let go? How do I move forward with my own life?

lizwig

Hello Melis, I'm glad you found this site but very sorry for what has brought you here. There will be others along shortly to welcome you. Many of us have had to come to terms with truly being powerless over our loved ones addiction. Have you considered attending an al-anon or nar-anon meeting? I dragged myself into one about 9 months ago, beaten down, a remnant of my former self due to my son's addiction. I knew his addiction was going to take me with it if I didn't put on the brakes in some fashion. This was a huge turning point for me. Our addicted loved ones will use (if they choose to) regardless of our efforts or intentions. The best we can do is set appropriate boundaries, which look different to everyone, and work on ourselves the best we can. This site has been a God send. You might "google" a meeting in your area....the meeting won't tell you how to fix your husband....but it will help you identify the things you are capable of changing and will restore your balance. Please keep coming back. Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

cynical one

By working your own program of recovery...self-help books, meetings, private or group therapy, reading everything here, etc.

melis

Thank you for the fast replies. I am going to see my own therapist next week. I am also reading a lot of the information in the stickies above.

The closest nar-anon meeting is about 45 minutes from me, which really isn't doable but I will look into al-anon. For some reason, I have a lot of anxiety about going to meetings. I'm terrified of breaking down in front of strangers.

I have so much to work through and figure out.

lizwig

I was also afraid of breaking down in front of strangers. So afraid it kept me from not going for several years after I knew I needed to. Guess what, I cried my whole first meeting. I thought "oh my word....they are going to think I am such a mess"...but I kept going back and I realize now I was crying from relief....I had somehow, somewhere found the strength and courage to go and I haven't looked back. I always have such empathy for newcomers, as all members do, because we recognize what it took to get you through the door. Typically you've reached a personal bottom and just know you can't continue on this way. And if nothing changes....nothing changes. I would prefer going to nar-anon if I could...just because of the illegality of many narcotics adding another dimension to the issue....but I will say al-anon meets my needs. I just switch the words in my own head and everything fits. You'll find there are other people there who would prefer a Nar-anon meeting but are truly just happy to be surrounded by other supportive people who understand. I feel a bit like I'm telling you to "come on drink the koolaid!!" but meetings and this site have helped me beyond belief. A lot of the feelings of powerlessness stop once we empower ourselves to focus on what we can change...ourselves.

LoveMeNow

I broke down and cried my entire first meeting too. I was so embarrassed but many people waited around after just to give me a hug and let me know they understood my pain.

I have not gone lately and can really feel the difference. The meetings helped far more then I realized.

BunnyNest

Welcome!

I'm sorry for what brought you here.

I have quite a social anxiety. I became so desperate though, that I finally attended a meeting. The first meeting I went to, I didn't cry. I was still living in my own denial though. My addict was different. When I returned to a meeting almost a year later, I cried and cried. The reason I cried was that for the first time, I wasn't alone. All the people in that room understood. We are not alone. What we go through is tremendously isolating, and now I am not alone.

We are all human, including those in 12 step meetings, but those in 12 step meetings are truly the most compassionate people I know. We are together on our amazing journey.

Just wanted to share my experience.

Keep reading!

laurie6781

Please Note:: One of the 'monthly expenditures' for most Alanon and Naranon meetings is for 'kleenex.'

I have not been to even one Alanon meeting in all these years that if someone starts to cry a box of 'kleenex' does not 'magically' appear.


Those of us who have and do attend Alanon and/or Naranon have 'broken down' in many meetings, not just one, and come to find out how 'releasing' it is and that knot in our chest relaxes and we can breathe a bit better by the time the meeting is over, and we finally seem to understand that there REALLY are people out there that do UNDERSTAND.

Love and hugs,

atalose

Have you thought about what you plan to do if you do find something while you are snooping? Sometimes having a plan in place knowing exactly what you will do if he uses again can limit that anxiety.

AnvilheadII

atalose beat me to it. it helps when we can shift our focus from IS HE USING to what plan do i have in place IF he uses again? one is REactive...you do this, i do that...the other is PROactive, like an emergency kit or knowing what to do ahead of time should the earthquake hit. we have fire drills at work every 3 months or so, to remind people that there IS a plan in place and how to carry that out, so that should a real fire sound the alarm, no one will panic and will simply use the PLAN in place.

melis

Oh Lord, if I can get up the courage to go to a meeting, I'm going to need those tissues because I am sitting in my office, at my desk wiping away tears from your kind words so far.

If he starts using again, my plan would be to get his family together and have another meeting to try and get him to go back to treatment. If he refuses, my bottom line would be that he has to leave our home.

This bottom line gives me terrible anxiety. I know that if he left, it would devastate my children. Mostly my oldest- she is very attached to him and very close with him. She had a very hard time when he was getting treatment for the 10 days. - we told her he was on a business trip. His drug abuse has been very well hidden from my kids, and my oldest is still very young and really doesn't have any idea what drugs are. When I picture her reaction to him moving out, I am racked with guilt.

Right now, my plan for me, is to take one day at a time. I'm seeing my therapist next week I've printed out several articles on codependency and letting go. My hope is to start taking better care of myself and making myself happy. When he was in rehab, I was happier than I had been in a LONG time.

*edited to add more info.

AnvilheadII

keep in mind hon....if he won't stop using, THAT is what will send him out the door and away from his family. NOT YOU. you are trying to protect your kids.

and please ALLOW yourself to get to a meeting!