Jumping off the Merry-Go-Round
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Jumping off the Merry-Go-Round
I did it! I jumped. I'm in slow-mo, I'm flailing, I'm . . . .
I woke up this morning to him telling me I needed to open a separate checking account. I mean literally, eyes open, no coffee yet, and BAM!! Now, we have not been fighting. Everything has been pretty calm. So, I tell him it's too early, have a good day, and I go get in the shower. He's gone to work by the time I get out so I call him on my way to work. He wants to know what's going on. He knows there is more to it than just the drinking and that there must be "something" I'm not telling him. "Something" must be going on. He doesn't understand why the day before I announce I could not be married to an alcoholic any longer I bought his beer. Hell, I don't even understand it. I know it has something to do with being the enabler and I know that I am (was) his biggest enabler. But why one day I did it and the very next was the day I finally said I wouldn't any more, I can't answer.
I tell him this though, you are an alcoholic; you have a drinking problem; I cannot stay with you if you are going to drink. If you want to drink, then that is fine. If you want to quit, then that is great. But, I cannot stay if you are going to drink. He wants to quit every day drinking but not when we have people over, or when he is grilling, or when he is watching the game with his buddy. I tell him that this is not ok with me. If that is what he wants, then fine, but this is NOT what I want. His drinking has made me angry, sad, resentful, and fueled my own emotional flaws. He asks me if I want to be with him still. I asked him if he was going to stop drinking completely. His answer is no.
And this is when I jumped! My answer is no, not if you continue to drink. Of course, he quickly changed his mind and decided that he could stop drinking all together if it meant that I would stay and he was sorry. So, I'm flailing and I don't know when or how I will land. But I do know I wanted off that DAMN merry-go-round!
I woke up this morning to him telling me I needed to open a separate checking account. I mean literally, eyes open, no coffee yet, and BAM!! Now, we have not been fighting. Everything has been pretty calm. So, I tell him it's too early, have a good day, and I go get in the shower. He's gone to work by the time I get out so I call him on my way to work. He wants to know what's going on. He knows there is more to it than just the drinking and that there must be "something" I'm not telling him. "Something" must be going on. He doesn't understand why the day before I announce I could not be married to an alcoholic any longer I bought his beer. Hell, I don't even understand it. I know it has something to do with being the enabler and I know that I am (was) his biggest enabler. But why one day I did it and the very next was the day I finally said I wouldn't any more, I can't answer.
I tell him this though, you are an alcoholic; you have a drinking problem; I cannot stay with you if you are going to drink. If you want to drink, then that is fine. If you want to quit, then that is great. But, I cannot stay if you are going to drink. He wants to quit every day drinking but not when we have people over, or when he is grilling, or when he is watching the game with his buddy. I tell him that this is not ok with me. If that is what he wants, then fine, but this is NOT what I want. His drinking has made me angry, sad, resentful, and fueled my own emotional flaws. He asks me if I want to be with him still. I asked him if he was going to stop drinking completely. His answer is no.
And this is when I jumped! My answer is no, not if you continue to drink. Of course, he quickly changed his mind and decided that he could stop drinking all together if it meant that I would stay and he was sorry. So, I'm flailing and I don't know when or how I will land. But I do know I wanted off that DAMN merry-go-round!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WOW, ugghh! You did a good job of stating your boundry clearly (in my opinion). Now, here comes the most critical part----ENFORCEMENT. If you state a boundry, you must enforce it---otherwise he will learn that your words are just hollow.
We are walking beside you.
dandylion
We are walking beside you.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My suggestion is that you take him up on that separate checking account. And all your other accounts, too.
He is in no way ready to quit drinking--all his "exceptions" prove it.
I would be very careful about making threats you aren't ready to carry out.
He is in no way ready to quit drinking--all his "exceptions" prove it.
I would be very careful about making threats you aren't ready to carry out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Just to give you an update. I have received several calls from him since our call this morning. He has apologized profusely, said he would do whatever it takes to keep our family together, and will stop drinking all together. In a later conversation, he also said he was taking the "Are You an Alcoholic" Test online and so far had answered 3 out of 4 of the questions yes. I had interrupted his test to let him know I was taking money out of our joint account to open a separate checking account. He says he gets it. And apologizes again. Again, I'm flailing and I don't know where I'll land, but I do know that I am not on that merry-go-round anymore. And he knows that my "Threats" are not empty. And I'm ok with that. It's a sad realization, but I AM OK WITH THAT.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If he thinks you are done, and ready to walk, be prepared, he is going to pull out the big guns and promise you the moon.
Most of them seem to be so charming when they need to be. XA had such a gift of gab, and he knew just what and when to say it.
He could have sold me something I already owned and have me believing I got a great deal on it.
Pay attention to his actions, his words are meaningless.
Most of them seem to be so charming when they need to be. XA had such a gift of gab, and he knew just what and when to say it.
He could have sold me something I already owned and have me believing I got a great deal on it.
Pay attention to his actions, his words are meaningless.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
ACTIONs!!! yes!!
time to start PLANNING, no harm in that..either way...start doing ur good credit now...and own bank accounts...to me, its all part of his "control"...
keep reading, going to AL ANON and here....ur getting a back bone! and i love it!
time to start PLANNING, no harm in that..either way...start doing ur good credit now...and own bank accounts...to me, its all part of his "control"...
keep reading, going to AL ANON and here....ur getting a back bone! and i love it!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
He has apologized profusely, said he would do whatever it takes to keep our family together, and will stop drinking all together.
Thank you for including us on your adventure! Please keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I don't understand the flailing statements, unless you mean 'waffling' on your idea to leave.
Thing is - if he just quits drinking, will that be enough? I thought so. It was 6 weeks of pure hell. I left anyway.
He blamed me for making him stop drinking, for giving him an ultimatum, for taking away his "fun" and only coping skill. The first go-round of these kinds of promises was him not drinking, but smoking loads of pot, unbeknownst to me at the time.
Anyway - be very careful with this direction. If he stops, you may have a dry drunk on your hands and in a couple weeks, will wonder what the heck happened?! He's even worse sober!
It's a real eye-opener to admit we may have liked them a little better as a drunk.
You see the posters here are all eye-rolling at his promises. Nothing any of us haven't heard before. More to be revealed here, that's fur sure. But what you can do that is productive is honor your newly set boundaries regardless of what he does. Start separating your life from him one step at a time and let him prove to you he is serious about this change. He doesn't have to know what you are doing.
Good luck...and I mean that in kindness, having been down this road before.
Thing is - if he just quits drinking, will that be enough? I thought so. It was 6 weeks of pure hell. I left anyway.
He blamed me for making him stop drinking, for giving him an ultimatum, for taking away his "fun" and only coping skill. The first go-round of these kinds of promises was him not drinking, but smoking loads of pot, unbeknownst to me at the time.
Anyway - be very careful with this direction. If he stops, you may have a dry drunk on your hands and in a couple weeks, will wonder what the heck happened?! He's even worse sober!
It's a real eye-opener to admit we may have liked them a little better as a drunk.
You see the posters here are all eye-rolling at his promises. Nothing any of us haven't heard before. More to be revealed here, that's fur sure. But what you can do that is productive is honor your newly set boundaries regardless of what he does. Start separating your life from him one step at a time and let him prove to you he is serious about this change. He doesn't have to know what you are doing.
Good luck...and I mean that in kindness, having been down this road before.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Just wanted to give you support.
Now that you have set your boundaries, it is crucial that you stick to them otherwise he will think he can keep pulling one over you and that will start a very unealthy cycle of him going in and out of recovery every time you put your foot down.
Be very gentle to yourself, when it comes to his alcoholism: you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
You might also try to check out Al Anon or Coda if you have not already done so. Al Anon was a sanity saver for me and I got a lot of support there.
Good luck
Now that you have set your boundaries, it is crucial that you stick to them otherwise he will think he can keep pulling one over you and that will start a very unealthy cycle of him going in and out of recovery every time you put your foot down.
Be very gentle to yourself, when it comes to his alcoholism: you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
You might also try to check out Al Anon or Coda if you have not already done so. Al Anon was a sanity saver for me and I got a lot of support there.
Good luck
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I'm not quite sure what "flailing" means in this context, either.
If I had to predict what will happen, it will involve making an effort not to drink for a while, then hiding/sneaking/lying about it. Not that he will necessarily INTEND to do those things, but my guess is that he is already figuring out how he can get away with placating you while continuing to drink on those "occasions" he has in mind. It doesn't sound to me like he is ready to quit.
Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Do you know what might be involved in a separation or divorce? Might be a good step to take. Knowledge is power. If you are convinced you don't plan to be there in a year if he is still drinking, then doing some footwork now would be a VERY good idea.
If I had to predict what will happen, it will involve making an effort not to drink for a while, then hiding/sneaking/lying about it. Not that he will necessarily INTEND to do those things, but my guess is that he is already figuring out how he can get away with placating you while continuing to drink on those "occasions" he has in mind. It doesn't sound to me like he is ready to quit.
Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Do you know what might be involved in a separation or divorce? Might be a good step to take. Knowledge is power. If you are convinced you don't plan to be there in a year if he is still drinking, then doing some footwork now would be a VERY good idea.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Flailing - I'm just in that mid-air flight before I land. My arms are swinging. My legs are swinging. I don't know how long I'll be in flight. We have been on the merry-go-round of "I'll cut back" and me thinking surely I'm overreacting and we have a pretty good life outside of the alcohol so it must not be that bad. Which I read a truly interesting post about just that very thing yesterday. I have been mentally preparing myself for several weeks to finally say it. Just say, I've had enough and this is not what I want out of life. I know that he may be quitting just because I have given him an ultimatum. I know that our life as we know it is over. We have started a new life. Where it takes us, I don't know. If we end up together, then we are success. If we don't then I am a success. I know there are many more talks to come. I know that he may end up resenting me. I know that if he does start drinking again, I will eventually find out. It always comes out in the wash. I can't drive myself crazy trying to figure out if he is or isn't. I KNOW what I see. I know that I have not seen a drink in his hand since Tuesday. I also know that there is still 1/4 of a liquor bottle in the freezer, a 12 pack of beer in the fridge, a 1/4 of wine in the fridge, and an unopened 12 pack of bud light strawberitas I just bought in the fridge. I bought the last ones for me. I haven't touched a single one. I don't intend to. If he is serious about this, I will respect him enough to not do that. But I have no intentions of cleaning it all out. That is his job. He has to address that. That can't be on me. And I KNOW I can't stress about it either. It is what it is. We are where we are.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Just to give you an update. I have received several calls from him since our call this morning. He has apologized profusely, said he would do whatever it takes to keep our family together, and will stop drinking all together.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
