acm76

So, I made the brave decision to leave my narcissitic ABF (as well as a cocaine and marijuana abuser) at the end of May. I too have gone no contact, with the exception of two emails to try to arrange to collect the remainder of my belongings from our condo. He is determined to keep everything that I bought and paid for. I'm not the first person in the world who has to start from scratch, and surely, I won't be the last. I keep telling myself I've lost everything in the fire, and I can look forward to enjoying my own space, decorated how I want it, without a lazy, drunk child-of-a-man leaving dirty socks and forgetting to flush the toilet.

Throughout it all, I've tried to remain calm and graceful. I haven't pointed fingers of blame, because really...what's the point? But what I don't understand, and what's really, *really* hurting is the anger and vitriol of his last message to me. OF COURSE I was going crazy. His behaviour was MAKING me crazy. Staying out all night, coming home high on coke when we were to have dinner, pushing me to the end of my limits...of course I left. He basically signed it with: I hope you die.

Why does he have to be so cruel? And why does that cruelty make me feel like I've made a terrible mistake leaving this man??? It just doesn't make any sense to me...

ZenMe

You haven't made a terrible mistake. You made the right decision so don't worry about it =). You are trying to figure out his cruelty and mean behavior because you are in a rational state of mind and want it all to make sense. This is a pointless exercise, IMO its the addiction talking and you can't rationalize an addicted person's behavior. What you can do is recognize that its a toxic relationship, that it doesn't get fixed unless he does it himself and that you need to move on or you will succumb with him.

Leaving took a lot of well, balls! So you are definitely a strong person who will survive and thrive from this experience. Take a deep breath and read up on the forums. I have found them quite helpful in brining me to a good state of mind.

LexieCat

He has to blame you, because otherwise it would be his fault.

I think you are smart to write off the belongings if it takes too much stress to get them back. Write off the vitriolic message the same way.

Tuffgirl

He's behaving like a 5 year old - I hope you can see that! You took something away and he is throwing an epic tantrum. I especially love the "I hope you die" part. Good Lord, what kind of grown man says that?!

Good for you for moving out. I went garage sale-ing and flea market shopping the first summer in my new place. Found lots of great deals and was able to furnish the new place on pretty much a shoestring budget.

cr995

What you are saying reminds me of what I kept saying to my sister last week. Why is my STBXAH behaving so unreasonably to me ?. She said well it was his unreasonable behaviour that made you leave him in the first place, if he wasn't that bad you wouldn't have left. So it's just more of the same - bad behaviour.

Well done and just wait it out - it will get better - for me and for you.

(((hugs))).

DreamsofSerenity

I know how you feel.. My ex has some stuff of mine he refuses to give back, and the last email I received from him was also a vitriol. I don't fully understand it. All I know is they are totally incapable of taking responsibility for their behavior, or understanding how their behavior impacts the people around them.

I received an email prior to the vitriolic one in which my ex was actually trying to be nice. In it he said that he had shared our situation with everyone in AA and they unanimously said the ONLY reason our relationship fell apart was because of my failure to commit. I know it's a lie because he doesn't go to AA--he is still drunk--and even if he did go to AA, no one there would advise him to blame everything on me. What shocked me was that there was not ONE mention of his drinking and emotional abuse. When I wrote back and reminded him that we were BOTH unhealthy and that the reason I would not commit was because he is an active A, he unloaded all his fury onto me.

I guess he hates me because I remind him of who he is, and he hates himself. I haven't done anything to deserve his hatred, just like you haven't done anything either. Hold onto that knowledge and move on.

Have you ever walked by a drunk homeless person who starts screaming at everyone passing by for no reason whatsoever? Well, I think of my exabf like that. He's going to unload on whoever gets in his way. It hurts a lot which is all the more reason to have nothing to do with him.

Hugs to you!

DreamsofSerenity

Oh and yes, good for you for leaving!!!!!!!!!

DG0409

My ex sent me several messages after our break-up saying the same thing to me... different words maybe, but the same general idea that he hoped I'd die (he sent some death threats, too).

It's just what people like that do.

He's miserable and wants to spread it around. Basically, I think it's because he can't stand the fact that you're happier without him.

Boon44

Before I left my exabf I awoke him in the middle of the night after he had been drinking (bad idea I know) but I was having a panic attack during his latest binge and what I feared was the ending of our relationship. After a few failed attempts at getting him to talk to me and tell me he loved me, that we would be okay, he finally woke up (sort of) and he screamed at me, " I don't care if you go sit in traffic and get hit by a truck, just shut the f...up and then proceeded the next time I tried to wake him by putting his hands around my neck (not choking me but around my neck) again yelling at me to shut the f...up.

You've left and I know that was hard enough. It's been two months since I left and I'm dealing with all my feelings about him, myself, codependency, etc... In the end he was "nice" and let me take some things from the house, pretty much all I needed (out of guilt I'm sure). Only later to find out that he was also cheating on my with someone from work. So know I look back on 7 years with feelings of betrayal, hurt, and great sadness. I tried to leave many times and he would always convince me to stay...except this time. He had finally had enough and apparently had found someone who made him feel differently about himself that I did (I was pretty angry and bitter by then) so he ended it...drunken binge, get me out, get the new person in, go on with his life no regrets, no looking back, Selfish etc. Moving on with a life I did not want but now have to make better than what I previously had...seems for those of us who get in relationships with addicts it pretty much ends up the same way every time, in a disaster until someone leaves or sobriety takes priority. Ugh...very sad. Sorry, wrote this to support you but ended up venting my own feelings. Just know if you feel you did the right thing even if it's difficult and you have to start over...you did!

acm76

Thanks to everyone who has posted! Kind words and support really do take the sting out of my wounds. I find it illuminating how "cookie-cutter" life with an active addict and alcoholic truly is. It seems we've all endured similar circumstances. The words and actions may be different, but the impact is the same.

I hold my head high, knowing that I AM already happier than I ever was when I lived with my AXBF. It seemed nothing I did was ever good enough to prevent him from continuing to hurt me with his actions and behaviour. It's just still so sad...because beneath the haze of alcohol, the coke-addled brain, and through the marijuana smoke, there is a desperately sad mad that I so desperately wanted to help.

DG0409

I find it illuminating as well. My relationship with my ex ended before I found SR, but reading others' stories helps me to understand what happened. After the relationship was over, I was so confused about so many things. Learning that it's just how guys like that are really helps me. (I guess I thought x and I were unique?!?) It is truly amazing how many of us have experienced similar things. I wish I'd found this place sooner sometimes!!