Sober9

Im on Day 22. Been miserable since Day 1. Moody, anxious, depressed. I don't want to be around anyone, but I don't want to be alone. Today I cut myself for the first time in ten years. My doc has me on wellbutrin and Xanax. Neither working very well right now. It's only been a week on the wellbutrin so it will take a little time I know. Anyway, sobriety isnt so great yet. I've been a high functioning alcoholic for 7 years. Drinking vodka throughout the day and a bottle of wine at night. Was able to keep it a secret somehow. Feeling very alone because I still haven't disclosed my problem to friends and family. And I hate AA meetings. I just hate everything right now. Becoming super codependent on my therapist who is the only person who knows my whole story. When will this be worth it???

Dee74

Hi Sober

I drank for many many years - it took me about 3 months to feel ok - your journey may be shorter, but I think it's important to stay patient

I think a lot of us get used to immediate gratification as active alcoholics too - it can come as quite a jolt to readjust to waiting for things in sobriety...but keep the faith - things do get better

D

Nuudawn

Okay now..if you hate AA meetings..don't go. Some may debate me on that..but don't go against yourself. I did AA in my last stint of sobriety and at my last meeting I looked around and thought to myself I would rather be hammered than come to these meetings anymore. At that time, I thought AA was my only shot at recovery..so if I couldn't handle the meetings..what choice did I have? Drinking.
OKAY..now don't fall for that kind of thinking like I did. My therapist..who got clean and sober in AA and has been 20 years...she's amazing..but she herself said if that's the way you felt you HAVE to listen to yourself..but all the same you need a plan and you need support. I am managing to find support through people who seem to be coming into my life..who are also in some sort of recovery..its awesome. I have SR...and well I'm open to anything. Okay..that's my tangent about doing what's right for you.
The cutting is another thing? Why do you hate yourself so much? You are precious and wonderful and I am absolutely certain have value to other humans struggling in this life.
And this alone thing has to end...or at least feeling that way. You are not alone...looking at all us struggling humans trying to stay sober. We are right here with you...at least in energy.

deeker

When you r willing to take suggestions and try it another way. Sometimes pain is a great motivator. Only you will know when that is. Good Luck to you.

fantail

I felt that way my first month, too! I have a post somewhere on here where I was complaining about how I was a more functional alcoholic than sober person. I truly felt like a waste of space for a while.

It gets so much better. Hang in there. Give your brain some time to heal. I can't say it happens as fast as I'd like it to. I still get frustrated some days. But I'm only a couple months ahead of you and the difference is already huge.

MyTimeNow

Hi sober

I too am a cutter, I haven't cut now for many years, but I have SH in other ways at times, very sporadically though.

I wanted to ask you a little more about this rather than concentrate on the sobriety from alcohol. What do you think made you cut for the first time in 10 years? This is a big thing, I haven't cut for 6 years now and cannot imagine doing it.

Do you think the Wellbutrin and the Xanax are working for you? I know these things take time. I only ask as I first cut badly with glass (sorry if this is too much and feel free to edit mods) when my GP put me on prozac, which made me anxious, so to combat this put me on prozac and stelazine (an anti psychotic) I couldn't sleep, so he gave me temazepam on top... Well meaning I'm sure but my mind was all over the place. I cut very badly, I couldn't function, I lost a good job that I'd been working well at for years... I have stitched up arms that look like a shark attack

I only ask this because you've had an alcohol problem for 7 years, but hadn't cut for 10 years and now you are cutting again. I know what a big deal this is. I wonder if it's your meds, like it was mine. I'm on an anti-depressant now, but just that, nothing mixing with it.

I wish you all the best and please, from one cutter to another - you are worth more than this, don't let those scars be lifelong. You know what I found good when I needed a hit of pain? Wax strips!! Rather than cut my arms, I'd wax them raw! Not ideal either, but hey very smooth

Keep posting, be well and do think about why after 10 years this has come back to you.

fantail

Also, as a former cutter, I relate to how the first month could trigger you. The numbness/dullness that you're feeling right now won't last. Right now, your brain is still adapted to function with high levels of alcohol in it.. so you're numb because your neurons are wired wrong. They have too many of some receptors and too few of others.

As your brain returns to normal, your natural feelings will start to break through. It takes a few months but it's really true.

Hang in there. Hugs to you.

hypochondriac

I can really relate to your post Sober9. I was a self harmer but hadn't done it in 12 years and when I quit drinking that was the first thing I thought of doing. It confused me momentarily but it made sense because my drinking became a daily habit when I stopped self harming and now I was just trying to replace the drinking. But I realised that by self harming I wouldn't have been making any progress. It was really tough sometimes but I stuck it out and made sure I put every effort into my sobriety. If you do something everyday to move forwards and in the right direction then it will soon start getting better. Have a look into other recovery methods like AVRT or SMART recovery if you think they'll help you. I found it really useful and grounding to read other people's experiences too. There are loads of books out there and there are some good stories in the back of the big book, and here too. Things will get better eventually but it does take some work x

2granddaughters

I hated AA meetings too but I kept going to them because I knew they would save my life. They did/are.

All the best.

Bob R