JKGFRG

My Wife has been addicted to pain pills and muscle relaxers for 18 months now, she got out of control after the birth of our daughter. After struggling with her for 18 months, I finally organized an intervention, she agreed to go to treatment, but now is in total denial that she has a problem, and blames all of her use on me. We had a wonderful life together until the birth of our second child, I have filed a restraining order against her so when she came home from rehab she was not able to see or speak with me or the children. I spent several hours in court with her yesterday as she fought the order, but thankfully the judge upheld the order and allowed for very limited supervised visitations with the kids. I have filed for divorce and had hoped that would move her to get sober, but it appears that she is just going to lie to everyone, try to take the kids, and game the system long enough so she can start using again. I kept hopping something would move her to a sustained recovery but I am losing hope that will happen, any suggestions on where to go from here?

Nighthawk8820

It sucks, but she wont change until she wants to, no matter what you say or do. The best thing you can do, is be true to you and those kids. Get out of there, live your life the best you can, and try and limit contact with her. It may be a wake up call for her, but I wouldnt get my hopes too high. Addiction is a funny thing, it ruins so many things. Dont let it ruin you too!!! Get out of there, wish her well, and carry on with your life. She will either get better and beg to come back (keep your guard up) or she wont, but at least you will know instead of watching her self destruct. You did your part, the rest is up to her.

JKGFRG

Thanks for the reply, over the last 45 days I have come to realize this. It makes me sad, as I love her very much, but she is leaving me no choice.

Thanks for the help!

Nonsensical

Ouch. Sorry for your troubles. I hope your wife sees the light one day.

Be well.

2granddaughters

Your local Nar-Anon group would likely be of great help to you .. for families of addicts Nar-Anon Family Groups

All the best.

Bob R

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear of the situation JKGFRG. Sounds like you have done just about everything you can in light of the situation. Hopefully she will some day open her eyes to what addiction has cost her and seek the help she needs. Be the best dad you can, that's what's most important now. Have you looked into Al-Anon for local support at all? There is also the friends and family forum here for those in your situation.

ANGELINA243

We have another forum here at SR that can also help. They have experience with similar situations. Feel free to post there as well. It's true that she won't change unless she wants to. Just keep doing what you are doing for yourself and the children.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information


You are not alone.

JKGFRG

So the interventionist I used has suggested a week long retreat in Nashville called centered living? Have you ever heard of such a program? Honestly what I am finding most useful at this point is reading these stories, and having people like you help support me.

2granddaughters

Support is good but a positive direction is most important. Your local Nar-Anon members have been right where you are and can help guide you.

I have no idea what an interventionist is, nor what is their agenda. If it's expensive I'd be wary. N.A. meetings are $1.00 and you get free coffee.

All the best.

Bob R

GracieLou

Support it very important.

I am glad you have taken the steps to keep you and your kids in a safer and happier place.

I have not heard of this program. Anything or nothing may help at this point. It is really up to her. If she wants help then she will find it. If she doesn't then either she will get none or use the program as a way to weasel her way back into your lives.

There is nothing you can do for her. She has to want it. I know that is hard. When we love someone are natural instinct is to help them and take their pain away. In this case though, you cannot do that. In come cases the more you try the more they fight it.

BabyJane

I'm sure the decision to divorce was not easy but I am here to tell you it was the right decision, so I hope you don't second guess yourself. My saying that comes from my own childhood, I grew up with parents addicted to pharmaceuticals and alcohol... I wish someone had taken me away from that before it got so bad. I love my parents very much but their lifestyle and all the drama, instability and neglect didn't help me grow into a stable adult. At some point I realized I was becomming just like them and turned it around but it is heartbreaking, still, watching my dad (my mom is doing better lately) deteriorate and loose himself more and more in this disease. Your kids will be better off with just you for now. As for your wife, like others have said, she will get sober when the consequences outweigh the benefits. It might be a long time. She will have many regrets and I hope for her sake she realizes it sooner than later... Praying for you and your children. You are so strong. Hang on.

least

You are correct in wanting to raise the kids away from her addictions. I wish you the best in this venture and hope you find the support you need to deal with this.

Nighthawk8820

Its the only thing you can do for yourself and kids. Its horrible and difficult, but its how it has to be right now. You didnt do this, so please dont feel guilty.

deeker

But didn't you say she just got out of rehab?

GracieLou

I don't think he did...

"I finally organized an intervention, she agreed to go to treatment, but now is in total denial..."

I took that to mean he had arranged it but when it came down to it she did not go.

Dee74

Welcome to SR JKGFRG

I'm really sorry for your situation, but I'm glad you found us - there's a ton of support here

2 granddaughters suggestion of AlAnon is a pretty good one too, for more face to face support?

D

JKGFRG

She did just get out of rehab, she spent 26 days in, but she says she still does not have a problem. She told the judge she was addicted to headaches, and the only reason she ever used drugs was because she has a terrible marriage. I never heard her complain about our marriage until I started cutting off her money. About two days out of detox she called and was very sorry for all she had done, and was scarred to face the demons from her childhood, she cried and was very humble. About 5 days later she called blaming all of her problems on me, saying that I was controlling, I took all her money, I would never let her do anything, I cheated on her, and I was violent. Non of these things are true, other then when I realized she was spending all of our money on drugs, I transferred to a new account. After I did that she still managed to use our credit line, so I shut it off as well. This is when things started to get bad.....

As early as a week before she left rehab she was calling friends telling them that she could not wait to come home, drink wine, and smoke weed, and party all summer. She has told friends that she needed to be good for a couple of months when she got home so that she could get custody of the children, and money from me.

She left rehab and did not tell anyone in the family and flew to Boston (we live on the west coast). She was gone for a week and no one knew where she was, when I finally got ahold of her she told me she was in Boston (I believe she had developed a phone/internet relationship with her Rehab roommates brother). I told her at that point that I was filing a restraining order. Her mom flew her home the next day.