Concerned About My Nephew

Old 06-20-2013, 06:17 PM
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Concerned About My Nephew

Hi,

My 30-year-old sister got divorced from her physically abusive husband four years ago, and she moved across the country with my five-year-old nephew to live with my parents. My mother is an alcoholic and my father has buried his head in the sand about the issue since it first reared its ugly head about 25 years ago. He keeps himself busy with his consulting work and many business trips, and actually encourages her drinking in his presence.

My sister is suffering as a result of growing up in this environment. I believe she has an eating disorder and a very poor self image. She refuses to get help, and keeps hoping that she'll find a man with enough money to rescue her from living with my parents. She has a job as a waitress five days a week. She's qualified to be a nurse but cannot find a job where she lives, and doesn't have the money to move away.

I have been in therapy for 13 years. I am 33, male. It has been very challenging, but I am on the path to becoming a happy and successful adult. My experiences while growing up have given me a unique depth that I would not exchange for anything.

But the point of my e-mail is that I'm concerned for my nephew. I'm past trying to help my sister and mother, but I still feel a responsibility for the innocent child in the family (like I once was).

My sister leaves my nephew at home during the day with my alcoholic mother while she works. On occasion, my sister has returned home to find my nčphew wondering the house alone with my mother in a drunken sleep on the sofa. My mother has even forgotten to feed my nephew at times because of her drinking. I have spoken extremely firmly to my sister on the phone about this (I live in New York and they are in Florida), but she still leaves my nephew with my mother because she can't afford a babysitter. What makes me even more annoyed is that she is planning to leave my nephew with my mother for the weekend while she goes on a trip with a friend. Whenever I bring the issue up with her, my sister gets defensive and says, "what am supposed to do? Have no life of my own? Just sit here with my son 24/7?"

My sister loves my nephew, but quite frankly, she doesn't seem to have the wisdom to "get" my concern. She is a nice person, and so are my parents, but they are all damaged and unwilling to change.

What can I do as the caring uncle in this situation? I am concerned for my nephew's safety.

Thank you very much in advance for your help :-)

HappyAdult
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Old 06-20-2013, 08:55 PM
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Welcome, Happy. Sounds like a very complicated situation. Are there any other family members in the area that may be able to help care for your nephew? Does your father help care for him when he is home? I'm not sure that calling child protective services would make much difference in this situation.

From what you have said, it seems that you know that you need to take care of your self first and foremost. I think most of the posters here agree that extends to helping care for the children in the given situation, to the extent that you are able to do so. Being so far from them there is little you can physically do to support him. Can you call him or skype with him regularly? Conversation with a 5 year old is limited, but it sounds like he could use a positive male role model in his life and it may help to give you a glimpse of what he is dealing with and help you determine how you may be able to help further if you want to.

I'm sure other posters with more applicable experience will be along to respond. I'm sorry for what you have been through and what has brought you here, though I believe you will find some of the support you need.
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Old 06-21-2013, 11:55 AM
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HappyAdult, your post made me cry. I'm certain that my sister felt the same way about my DS when I was still with AXH.

As a mom who has been single-parenting-it for longer than I've been away from AXH, I know how hard it is to cover daycare costs and I don't know what I would have done if my parents hadn't been stable, loving, and able to take care of DS while I worked. But your sister's defensive statement

"what am supposed to do? Have no life of my own? Just sit here with my son 24/7?"
made me a bit angry. My cousin and her husband say nearly the same thing: they can't afford daycare for their kids, routinely scrounge money from friends and family for "food for the kids" and yet, they have money for (a lot of) alcohol every weekend, buy season tickets to baseball games.... (They "let" my uncle pay them rent and watch the kids for free. He doesn't even get a room, just to sleep on the couch. But his acceptance of that situation is a different rant.)

I'm not assuming that's what your sister does, I'm just noting that her comment rings kind of the same as their comments. FWIW, my comment back to my cousin before I stopped trying to talk to her about it was, "Yes, how you live your life should have changed when you had your first daughter. Your kids and taking care of them should be priority #1."

It sounds like your sister's situation is a bit different. Working as a waitress, it might be possible that she qualifies for daycare assistance. Typically it won't cover all of the daycare costs, but it would definitely help reduce the cost. There are also resources available for low-income families for rental/housing assistance.

As a DV survivor, she may still be dealing with the low self-esteem and other issues that come along with leaving a violent relationship. I don't think DV shelters / advocates put a time limit on when an abused woman can seek assistance for her and her family. I think I first contacted the local shelter almost a year after I left my abusive AXH. They offer more than just the immediate shelter after leaving an abusive home; they can help her find the resources for counselling, daycare and housing assistance. They offer support groups that will help her realize she's not alone in dealing with this.

(I also believe that a young child being left in the care of some one who is routinely drunk and passes out while caring for that child could qualify as neglect.)

I hope your sister is open to seeking assistance. Wishing you and her both continued strength and peace.
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Old 06-21-2013, 03:35 PM
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Hey, GREAT suggestion, tu! I was sort of in a quandary, myself, but calling on a DV group is an EXCELLENT idea. I don't believe most places put any kind of time limit on providing assistance or referrals that may help.

Of course, the problem may still be getting her to see that it is critical that she do SOMETHING about this situation.

Good luck getting through to her, Happy--I hope she follows through. Her son deserves it.
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Old 06-25-2013, 03:09 PM
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Thank you all for your heartfelt and helpful responses :-)
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Old 06-25-2013, 03:25 PM
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HappyAdult-

This may not help you, help your nephew directly but I do want to put a little perspective on a piece.

I have been living with an eating disorder most of my life. I have been in recovery just over 13 years (we match for time spent with a therapist).

Though the addiction is different, my inability to "be" present with my own feelings and to deal in reality was very similar to what I see on these boards of people with alcohol/drug addiction (and what I experienced married to on). I used food to numb out instead. I don't write that to say one is better or worse, but to say that your sister might not be in a place that she can actually hear what you are saying....just like anyone in the midst of their alcohol/drug addiction.

Have you consider support in additon to therapy for friends and family (I mean besides here). I found Al-Anon to be helpful for me in many ways to learn people skills in a way I can't get in therapy....it has also been a great help to normalize that other "regular" people have loved ones that struggle with addiction to. It also might be a place to get ideas for your situation.
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