marriedadrunk

I posted this yesterday in the newcomers thread, but was directed here. I'm in a really bad place right now. All trust in my marriage is lost and not sure how I can ever trust him again. Especially with my daughter.

I found out recently that my husband of almost 9 years is an alcoholic. He was drinking during work, in the morning when I was in the shower, at night, all day, every day. He was taking the money that I direct deposited into our bank account for bills and was using it for beer. I had no idea because I kept a separate account. We almost lost our house. He pawned his car title. He's taken numerous 401k dispersememts, the list goes on. He lied to me for years. He finally decided to quit drinking one day when I figured out what was going on, and he had a grand mal seizure. In front of my 6 year old daughter. I'm so disgusted that I don't know what to do. This was May 3. He's been sober since and in AA. So I don't really see him much. I've taken over the bills & found out that our financial situation is really bad. I didn't have much of any debt when I met him 10 years ago, now I'm just scared about what to do. I don't trust him. He basically stole from me, but he doesn't see it that way. I haven't been to Al Anon yet. I think I want a divorce, but I don't want to split up my family for the sake of my daughter. He has a son from a previous marriage as well.
Help me. I feel lost and alone.

LexieCat

I think you need to get to Al-Anon and just let things be for a bit. You don't have to decide everything now. You may want to talk to an attorney just to find out what your rights and obligations might be. For instance, if you leave, you may be stuck with the debt, even though you weren't the one who ran it up.

I know that I haven't had a drink since my first AA meeting five years ago. My first husband has been sober over 33 years. Recovery is possible--both recovery from alcoholism and from the financial effects. YOUR recovery is possible, too.

It sounds like there is no emergency at the moment, so take some time to clear your head. See what happens. Work on your own recovery. Al-Anon is a VERY good idea.

honeypig

Married, so much of your post rings true for me--we even had the same discussion in which I accused him of "stealing" our money, and of course, like your hub, he didn't see it that way either. I was angry beyond belief also, ready to divorce him that very instant and damn the torpedos, just wanted him OUT OF MY LIFE, the lying, deceiving b*****d!

I got to some Alanon meetings and was advised to take a year before making any big decisions, since I was in no financial or physical danger and our marriage is nearly 20 years (with some kind of drinking or hiding or lying almost since the get-go...). He is now in AA, seems to be trying, and I am in Alanon, doing my best to work on "my side of the street" so that wherever I find myself when that year is up, I'm better prepared to deal with life.

I understand your anger with him, I really really do! My heart goes out to you for the betrayal you suffered. Please try to get to Alanon if you can, and keep reading and posting here. There is a LOT of hard-earned wisdom that folks here share freely.

CarryOn

Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here from people that understand what you are going through. I second Lexie's recommendation for Al-Anon, and you may want to see a therapist as well. My RAH was sober when we met & married & continued that way for another 8 years before he relapsed, so I understand the way in which you have been blindsided by this. It really is shocking & like your world was turned upside down. Your priority right now is to take care of yourself and your daughter, let your husband focus on himself.

I know this is probably a "cart before the horse" comment now, but I just wanted to share that with you...one thing you said that really got my attention was about the 401(K) - I work on these plans as a part of my job - generally speaking, a married person cannot take a disbursement from their account without the consent of their spouse. If you reach out to a financial adviser or an attorney at some point for guidance, I would highly recommend you discuss these disbursements with those professionals. The money is gone, so you will never get it back, but maybe it will help you in securing more of the other available assets for yourself in a divorce.

wicked

I agree with Lexiecat, take some time and some AlAnon meetings to sort things out.
Yes, things are bad now, but no decisions need to be made right this second.
And, wow! I would be angry too, everything gone and he does not see it as stealing from you.
Recovery is work. Hard work.
I have been in recovery for nearly 16 years (August 18th 1997 was my last drink) but it is all one day at a time.
Go and take care of yourself so you can be strong for the children.
They are watching what people do when bad things happen.

I am not sure how old the children are, okay, I just read she is six.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, and my own daughter had a grand mal seizure when trying to withdraw from benzos on her own.
Try to be as factual and truthful as you can for their age group.
There are books out, and even some threads here about talking to children about addiction.
They know. They know something is very wrong, but are confused.
I was her age and I knew my family was "different".
I did not find out what until I figured it out myself at ten.
Please do not leave them alone with this, explain it to them and that it is NOT their fault.

Thank you for reading my experience as a kid with alcoholism. I hope it helps in some way.

Keep going to AlAnon, keep coming back here, and keep talking about it.

Beth

dbaguy

First, you are certainly not alone! There are a lot of us here that are dealing with or have dealt with exact or very similar situations. When I met my wife my credit was pretty good, money was always in the bank, things seemed great. Fast forward 10 years and my finances are a mess, my credit isn't so stellar...and my wife is now a little over a month into recovery. While she didn't lie about drinking she did hide just how bad it was for a large portion of our marriage (drinking during the day, hiding bottles, all sorts of fun behaviors). I spent so much time trying to keep things together that I neglected my finances and my own health (heck I'm still neglecting taking care of myself). I have four kids as well. No one can make the decision for you but you need to take a careful inventory of what you want from your future and don't make a knee-jerk reaction. I can't tell you if staying with him is good or bad but before you do anything rash just think it all through. I've been close to running out the door and haven't but the thought has certainly come to mind. Just realize that, if you stay, the roller-coaster doesn't end overnight but then, it doesn't necessarily go away if you leave either. You're at least taking a good step finding other folks to talk to that can relate and provide some kind of support. To be honest, reaching out has been the best thing I've done for myself and it's making me realize how much I've neglected my own well being. It has also made me see that if my wife stays true to her desire to get and stay sober and if we both do some serious work on ourselves, it's possible to save what might seem like a sinking ship.

NYCDoglvr

The only way I got through the painful termination of a relationship was keeping the focus in today. I kept reeling my mind back in to the present and doing "the next right thing". It helps to make lists of things that must be done, doing research if you plan a change, and getting as much support as possible. Don't share any of your plans with your husband ... he can create lots of problems. Prayer also helped me a great deal. In the end it was Alanon that saved my sanity.

dandylion

Dear marrriedadrunk, I would like to respond to one statement that you made your post that caught my attention. You stated that you didn't want to end the marriage because of your daughter. Of course, I think all who marry have the goal of a happy, healthy home to raise children in. Sometimes a failing marriage can be fixed---and, sometimes it can't.

I don't know if you will ultimately decide to stay or not. However, I feel very strongly from my experience and from all the experiences of Adult Children of Alcoholics that I have seen-----If a marriage is toxic enough that the adults are miserable--don't stay for the sake of the children. This is not a favor to the children--it is certain to damage them. Don't ever feel guilty for removing children from an alcoholic environment.

I say this to remind you that the child's reality isn't always our adult reality.
I hope that your husband can embrace sobriety.

sincerely, dandylion

marriedadrunk

If he does not stay sober, I am leaving for sure. So far, he's been on track and going to AA almost every day. Saying he hasn't felt so good in years (uh yeah, ya think?) I'm just so scared it won't last. I don't trust him at all. He's not violent or mean, or anything, which is maybe why I never even knew what was going on. I mean, I got annoyed with him for being drunk a lot, but I didn't know he was drinking at work. Things like that. I never would have imagined that it was so bad that he had a seizure & DTs. He hid it well and also his it from the kids. So I don't know what they think. I'm
Just really lost right now.

Springs

Married - I am in a similar situation to you sans kids (found out early May from an ER visit, had no idea, so much lying). i know I have been through shock, anger, horror, pain, and disorientation. I am extremely distrusting of AH but I think it is warranted. His earning my trust back should take time and be earned not just freely granted. I have no clue how that could happen though and that is hard. For me, I can say that reading the stickies on this forum and attend al anon have been extremely orienting and helpful. I've learned that alcoholism is a family diseases and I too have had my thinking distorted by the disease of alcoholism. Al Anon has really made me feel less lost and confused and helped me start to reorient myself back to knowing what is normal and acceptable behavior. I'd recommend it.

Maylie

The first step is to take a deep breath and take care of yourself. When we find out we have been lied to for years, that money we thought was being saved has all gone to feeding an addiction, and we lose the stability we thought we had a day before it takes a HUGE toll on our health mentally and physically and you need both in order to make the right decision for you and your daughter.

Even though he appears to be doing the right thing right now, I would still make sure all your money and any money needed for bills goes into an account that ONLY YOU can take money out of this way you can make sure your bills get paid and that is one less thing you need to worry about. I would also contact a lawyer and find out if you do end up wanting a divorce if there is anything you should be documenting, any records of financials that need to be kept, and if there is a way to stop him from taking anymore disbursements from the 401k. It never hurts to get information to help you make the best decision for yourself.

Everyone wants the picture perfect family and environment for their family/children but sometimes the better option is not to keep the family together. As stated above by others, children know when something is going on in the house hold and children can easily tell if there is tension between parents. Your daughter is learning what is normal/acceptable behavior and how people should treat each other by watching how the two of you act and treat each other and therefore, don't let "staying together for the kids" stop you from looking at all angles.

FireSprite

My RAH hid most of his drinking from me too. I actually had no clue about the reality of the situation until he figured it out and was starting AA. I also was taken off guard by how much damage he'd managed to inflict on our finances and credit in a relatively short amount of time when his drinking was at it's worst.... I can really relate to a lot of your post.

I'm sorry you are going through this but i hope you stick around and keep reading and posting!

Amber23

I hear ya. My AH (sober for few months) also had grand mal in front of 3yr old....however his drinking wasn't a secret, but my denial and lack of knowledge on the disease left me feeling clueless. Like you I am in financial distress, dealing with his ups and downs, and just the severe burden of keeping things afloat. I don't have advice just acknowledging your pain.
I feel like I have post traumatic stress related to watching the seizure (and waking to find him catatonic 3x after seizures). It is terrifying when you don't expect or understand it....my heart goes out to you because on top of it all you are dealing with such a scary episode. Those scary moments still wrack my brain...and all the what if's. I have no advice, but maybe talk to someone to understand the nature of the withdrawals because they say they get worse each time. I told my RAH that I would not be there for any drying out at home....because it is deadly. As scary as it was to threaten to leave him alone knowing he could die, it forced him to go to detox where they medicate to prevent the 24 hour seizure. My husband's withdrawal symptoms start with coughing...diaphragm spasms I was told. Just stating in case you don't leave him and he drinks again. Knowledge is key....I am still learning things about the physical effects of all this.
you are reeling from SO MUCH. I know how I feel after knowing about the drinking for 15 years, I can only imagine how you feel. I keep telling myself one foot in front of the other....you will be okay

marriedadrunk

I for sure feel like I have post traumatic stress for the seizure. I cant Stop reliving it in my mind. I thought he was dying. It lasted a full 5 minutes. Thankfully my daughter doesn't really remember it because she was half asleep and my sister got her to go back to sleep before paramedics arrived. I picked up a copy of the 911 call and made him listen to it so he would know what it did to me. It wasn't until we got to the ER & the dr started asking him about his drinking that it all became clear. And yeah, this happened in the middle of the night, I just happened to wake up. Not sure if there were others, but he said he doesn't think so, just based on the way he felt before and after it. He said that feeling alone is enough to keep him sober. He was having panic attacks for months & it was all Bc of the withdrawals. But I had no clue. Anyway, they put him on Librium & he did the detox at home, but those first few days were so scary. But it didn't happen again, but he told me he was hallucinating. He even managed to hide that from me somehow. Not to mention he missed my daughter's recital because of this. When I told him I was mad at him, it was like he was in disbelief. He said that he thought I was taking care if him. I said that all I was trying to do was save his life and keep him out of the ER again, but my main concern was my daughter. I think that hit it home for him. On that day anyway. It's early. I need coffee. Lol.

Springs

Married - I thought my husband was having a stroke. So did the EMTs. It was terrifying and it is shocking that he was so committed to hiding his drinking that he didn't even tell the EMTs in the ambulance that he had been drinking. It is so frustrating to be more worried for someone's death than they seem for themselves. He detoxed at home but denied that the detox symptoms were detox. It was scary. I'm so sorry you are going through this and it is helpful to know that I'm not alone. Keep checking in here. The "veterans" seem to have a lot of important wisdom.

marriedadrunk

Yeah. I didn't know if it was a stroke, a heart attack, I definitely knew he was convulsing because it was violent, but I didn't know why. He had blood coming out if his mouth because he bit his tongue, but at the time, i had no idea where it was coming from, you know, was it internal bleeding? I didn't know. Then he was trying to tell the paramedics that he was ok. I was like, uh no, you are going to the ER. I rode in the ambulance with him at 3:00am. Thank God my sister was visiting from out of town and was able to stay with my daughter so I could go with him. The seizure was a blessing in disguise because it made him quit, but it feels like just the beginning of the nightmare for me somehow. Just finding out all the secrets, I'm so disturbed. Thanks for listening to me. It's helping me a lot to get this out to people who know exactly how I feel.

honeypig

Married, I know how that part goes. You just can't believe how alcohol was in every single aspect of your life, w/o you even knowing it.

Hub always had a fair amount of cash on him, claiming "he just liked to have some cash in case." Turns out it was so he could buy booze w/o leaving a paper trail w/the credit card.

He works an early shift, 6-2:30, and so many times over the years I would suggest "let's go to the park and swim", "let's take a walk/bike ride/hike the nature trail", whatever, after work, and he never ever wanted to--well, that was so he could secretly drink in his hobby studio while pretending to build model planes. Always wondered why it took him so incredibly long to finish one...

I noticed that as the years went by, he seemed to be less and less chipper in the mornings,where we used to enjoy getting up early and walking our dogs. When I asked him if he was OK, he insisted he had never been good at getting up early and had always been like this. Turns out as he drank more and for longer, his sleep was worse and worse.

It was actually about 4 years ago that he came downstairs one night drunk enough that I finally could see it. After a few months of resisting any attempts to get sober, he said he would return to AA (had been going when we first met, then stopped. I didn't know enough at the time to realize what a huge red flag that should have been). For 4 years, he would drive into town on Saturday at 10 AM, go walk in a park, go to the hobby store, whatever for an hour, during which time I had been told he was going to an AA meeting. He would then come home, even telling me what had happened at the nonexistent meeting and what the topic was for the day. He would go so far as to not do any errands that involved buying anything during the time the meeting was going on so that if I checked the credit card receipts, I would not see that he had been shopping during the time he was supposed to be at the meeting (it was a real meeting, he just didn't go). Had I started Alanon back then, I would have likely taken a much different course over these past 4 years, but I didn't get involved. Much easier to let him solve what I still saw as "his" problem.

This is the tip of the iceberg. Any of it sound familiar?

I thankfully have not suffered the financial losses that you have, but that awful feeling of finding out more and more and more of your life has been based on lies and deception is exactly the same. You feel like you're standing at the edge of a cliff and it's slowly crumbling back under your feet. All I wanted when I first found out was 1) for him to be GONE and 2) for those years of my life back. Well, #2 is not an option, and the good folks here told me my only choice was to make the best of the years still in front of me. I talked in an earlier post about #1.

A lot has changed for me in the months since I found out. I've learned a lot (with so much more to go, I can't even believe it...). I am determined that, whatever he does or doesn't do, I am NOT wasting any more of my time, and I'll find a way to a happy and meaningful life one way or another. You can get there too.

Wishing you peace, clarity and strength.

marriedadrunk

Oh I tracked a paper trail. I went back just one & a half weeks & discovered that he had spent $260 on beer. I didn't need to look back any further. He was drinking at least a case, a day, more on weekends. It was always just beer, never hard liquor. But that didn't matter at all. It got him wasted. If feel like I am to blame for the financial losses, because had I taken over the bills the first time I found late notices, maybe that wouldn't have happened. But I kept a separate account for my own stuff and my daughter's school tuition. So I didn't know what I didn't know. He told me that if he saw a FedEx truck in our neighborhood that he was follow it to be sure it wasn't coming to deliver certified mail from the mortgage company. I have found mountains of unopened bills. Sigh. It makes me sick to my stomach. I need to have a shredding party and get rid of it. I feel like I can't even deal with it. Sigh. He tried to blame our money problems on not making enough money. Um, no. Our money problems happens because you decided to spend all the money on beer and late fees rather than just stay on top of the freakin bills in the first place. Gah! Venting.

marriedadrunk

Another thing too. When he was drinking, he would buy beer at the gas station mostly. He had a few different ones that he'd go to. Now, he's replaced the beer with sodas and gummy bears. I see daily charges at the convenience store still, but he says it's for cokes. So now he's spending all our money on sodas? It's not as much, but still a lot and we are still in a financial hole, so it is really stressing me out. I don't drink soda at all & I definitely don't want the kids drinking it. To me it's almost as bad. And oh yeah, he started smoking. WTF? I just can't deal. It seems to stupid and I should be glad he quit drinking, but jeez, this is just another form of self destruction. Not to mention that his cholesterol is through the roof. Do I just focus on me and not worry about what he has done and is still doing to his body? I love to work out. He loves to sit on the couch. I feel like we have nothing in common & all the sodas just reinforce that to me.

honeypig

Yup. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it, any more than you caused, could control or can cure his alcholism. I believe several here have advised Alanon, and it's a great piece of advice.

I understand what you are feeling; my hub also secretly smoked for many years and has escalated this habit a LOT recently, while completely tossing to the winds any effort to eat well or exercise, all in the name of "my sobriety has to come before all else", and so basically he deserves to indulge in all sorts of other bad habits b/c by god, HE IS NOT DRINKING!

Now to me, that seems like he's still thinking of his drinking as something enjoyable that he is GIVING UP, that he is somehow losing out b/c of trying to get sober, rather than getting rid of an expensive and destructive addiction. It looks to me like he wants to be addicted to SOMETHING, and if he's not drinking, well, he'll just crank up the nicotine addiction, or the sugar addiction, or what have you. I sometimes feel we have nothing in common either. But I cannot control his actions or choices. I cannot know what it will take for him to quit drinking and STAY quit, so how/why would I control his actions? And if we really DON'T have anything in common, how (and WHY!) on earth would I want to take it on myself to remake him in an image that I think is right/better/more to my liking?

My job for this year is to work on ME--and ONLY on me. If time goes by and it turns out he's NOT someone I want to stay with, now that the smoke and mirrors are gone, then it's up to me to move on, not to try to force him into some mold that I find acceptable. Fair or not, that's what it is.

Once again, please look into Alanon if at all possible, and do as much reading (don't miss the stickies at the top of the page) as you can here. Instead of directing the energy of your anger at changing HIM, you can use it to move YOUR life forward. Don't waste that.