Fenris

Just typing the name of this thread is enough to bring me to the verge of tears. I was sober for over a year until I made the horrible decision to drink again. As a consequence, my wife of ten years is taking our daughter and leaving me. I guess I mean this as a cautionary tale. I thought I was okay, that my sobriety was secure, and my life was getting better because of being sober. But I slipped once, and kept slipping and after a second DUI, after nearly losing my job, after many a night of adding to the pile of pain that I'd already heaped on my family, the most important thing to me is finally walking out the door.

I've been sober eight days now. It's too little, too late.

--Fenris.

hypochondriac

So sorry to hear that Fenris I hope you're okay x

Fenris

Thank you hypochondriac. I'm pretty far from most definitions of okay, but I know I'll get through today.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing Fenris. I'm glad your here and still trying to stay sober. As horrible as what has just transpired seems, it can get worse - so you are on the right track. Time can heal many wounds, you already know that from your previous sober periods. Hopefully this will be the ultimate wake up call you need to make permanent changes for the better. Stay with us here at SR.

cascademn

Fenris, my heart is with you. DWI in January. Wife gone. We have a deadly illness. We can get better. This site is a great place to help you put together a plan. I have hope that our loved ones want this for us more than anything even though we can't be with them now. Yours, j

Fenris

Thank you Scott. I know that you're right, that it can get worse, and that I can get past this and anything as long as I stay sober. Being sober was the best my life has ever been, but like everything important, it has to be guarded fiercely and tended regularly like a garden. But right now, the future looks so bleak and dark. And the pain...God, the emotional pain is worse than anything I've ever felt. Alcohol has now cost me what mattered most in my life and while I still have blessings to count, the price I've paid for my addiction is, at times, almost too much. Watching my wife walk out the door, my little girl crying, and knowing that I'm the cause of it....I don't know what to do with that pain right now, and it's all I can do just to not drink.

Fenris

cascademn, I spent a pretty good bit of time on this site while I was sober, trying to help others, and now I find that I'm the one that needs the help, and I appreciate good people like you coming forward to give an encouraging word. Thank you.

--Fenris.

ScottFromWI

It's a vicious cycle - the drinking causes pain, which causes you to want to drink, which causes more pain...

What else did you do to stay sober for the year prior to your last relapse? It must have had some merit as staying sober for an entire year is a pretty big accomplishment. The bottom line of course is that if you ever want any chance of repairing the damage done by your actions ( which you cannot change ) then you absolutely, positively need to find a way to stay sober.

Fenris

Scott, I was a regular member of AA until a couple of weeks before my lapse. I attended a meeting a day, called my sponser every day, and was working the steps. At some point, my disease said I didn't need to go any more, and I listened. It was coming....I should have seen it from a mile away. I stopped living a day at a time. I wasn't doing enough to stay sober, just going through the motions. Live and learn, and pain is a great teacher.

2granddaughters

Thank you for passing this precious bit of information on to the members here.

We hear it but in our disease we can't seem to believe it ... that we are never cured. That it is a continuing working of our program that keeps us sober and sane.

I hope you go back and grab the AA program with both hands. I have seen many separations heal over time when the alky has truly surrendered.

All the best, Fenris.

Bob R

SnwFlower

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Fenris. (Hug)
Please remember one very important thing, that when things are at their worst, this is the time to grab on even tighter to your commitment to sobriety. Taking the healthy and sober road will get you through this better than any other road. Please keep posting and reading. We're here for you and supporting you.

Are you going back to AA soon?

Soberpotamus

I'm sorry you've lost you family, Fenris. It's great that you've got 8 days sober though. I hope you find what it is you were missing this time around. I'm back at SR after a relapse myself. I remember your posts from two years ago. Glad you are back. I see we are both in Alabama

CharlieNoogan

Fenris, I lost my fiance of eight years and the love of my life to my last relapse. I was completely distraught for a couple of months, deep depression, horrible anxiety, terrible feelings of guilt, disgust, and loss. It was horrible.

Six months later treatment, AA, and therapy have helped me realize it was for the best. I am focusing on me now without the distractions of the relationship. Chances are we will never patch things up, but now I am okay with that - I have found acceptance. I know it seems pointless to stay sober, but keep pushing forward. I knew that I was in such a dark place after losing her that if I drank, there was no telling what I would do to myself.

I hope things work out for you in the end. But take this opportunity to give yourself the gift of lasting recovery and learn what you can about why you relapsed. You are worth it!

least

Take care of yourself and stay sober no matter what!

lessgravity

As you have gotten sober in the past perhaps you know about AVRT. I must say though, after more than 20+ years of drinking as hard as anyone I know, after losing my wife and son, after attending AA for 90 days and falling back, I've never had the nerve or the hope that I have from starting AVRT.

You can do this.

Do you have a plan?

ForMyGirls

So sorry to hear this Fenris... I know first hand the pain you're going through... Several months ago, my drinking came to a head with my wife, and she walked out, taking my three young daughters with her. Actually I walked out because she told me to leave our house... I was crushed, as were they...

We were apart a few weeks, but after a lot of crying and promises made by me she let me come home. When I was making those promises to her and the girls (never to drink again), I meant them with all of my heart... However, these last couple of weeks have been a tough go for me... My beast has been trying to convince me that I deserve something... That I've EARNED something...

If nothing else, please know that your post served as a reminder to me of what I have to lose, and I really appreciate you taking the time to post it. I wish you all best for your sobriety and any chance you have at making amends with your family...

Fenris

Thank you all. It means the world to me to hear such supportive words.

To Bob R and SnwFlower, I have returned to AA, one or two meetings a day depending, and I'm throwing myself headfirst back into the program. I'm starting from the beginning again, more motivated than ever. Surrender has always been so hard for me....my pride and arrogance have always stood in my way.

To SoberJennie, I also remember your posts from days gone by, partly because they were always so insightful, and partly because you're a fellow Alabamian. And while I'm sorry to hear of your relapse, I'm glad to find you posting and doing well.

Thank you CharlieNoogan...it seems that you have a pretty good grasp on what I'm going through and it's encouraging to hear from someone who's made it through the pain and found some peace. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but this feels pretty final with my wife, and I need to accept that. She deserves better and deserves a chance to be happy.

Thank you least. I'll stay sober for today, no matter what. 24-hour chunks are the best I can do right now.

--Fenris.

Fenris

lessgravity...I'm familiar with AVRT, but I've never tried it. Maybe it is something I should now look into. AA has always worked for me as long as I worked it, but I'm willing to keep all avenues open.

cascademn

Hey Fenris, I need you too, man. Got a therapist that really helps me. Have you ever tried that? I think it's hard for some guys to deal with their feelings and vulnerabilities.

Fenris

Thank you Jack. I know, in an abstract way, that I'm not the first person to go through something like this, but it gives me a lot of comfort to hear from others that have too, that I'm really not alone. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, so please, stay committed to your sobriety.