Jane Doe

I just need to ramble....

My AH who quits drinking every week and then slips up a couple days later is suffocating me with his life. His whole life consumes me. I feel like I am at the end of this relationship, I just can't take anymore but I am not strong enough to go.

Somewhere inside of him is my best friend but I have lost any passion for him as I have endured his verbal and sometimes physical abuse. I want to protect him but why doesn't he protect me from him? He is a binge drinker and will leave the house to run a 30-minute errand and come back 12 hours later. He won't call and he won't take my calls. It makes me feel like I am nothing. He makes me feel like I am nothing.

His family knows but in a way they help. I don't think they really get it. I stopped lying for him but I don't think they really want to know how horrible it is. He works for his parents and there have been many times he won't show up for work and they just won't fire him. They *know* they should but they won't. I have to pay all the bills and come up with the money for our mortgage when he blows it at the bar trying to be the cool guy buying everyone drinks. I hate him.

I have no friends here. I never even want to leave the house. My family loves him and I am too embarassed to tell them what really goes on. I have to wonder each time he doesn't come home if this will be the time he gets his 3rd DUI or will this be the time he's in an accident.

Our dog adores him. My dogs thinks AH is 1st, then dog, then me. Everytime dog waits for him by the front door. As soon as drunk H comes in stumbling he runs onto the bed. Cause he's scared or wants to protect me. Doesn't even get off the bed when AH gets into the fridge and is sure to drop some scraps for him.

It's just too much for me. I guess we all need a chance to explode and be heard. A person shouldn't have to handle this much.

Magichappens

((Jane))
I am sorry that you are hurting now. Maybe it is the dark before the dawn. Have you tried Al-anon? Whether you want to go or stay, the people there have experience with what you are going through, and can give you support. Until then, we are here, struggling with you. You are not alone. Hugs, Magic

whatnow

Don't hide this from your family. They are the people that you need to lean on. It took me 18 years to stop hiding my husbands drinking from my family and I finally decided that I wasn't going to lie for him anymore or pretend that everything in my life is wonderful. It helps so much with your confidence and your strength if you will do this.
Remember to stay strong and don't let him kill the person inside of you.

Jane Doe

Honestly, I am already dead. I am 25 and I completely lost.

whatnow

I am 38 and I though I was dead also. But let me tell you something, in the last couple of months I have found strength that I thought I never had. I am putting myself first for a change and it feels good. I'm not saying that is is easy it has taken me alot of years to do and some days are harder than others but if you can find the strength (I do alot of praying) you will become a new and happier person. Hang in there!!!

jojo

Jane -

You are not dead. You have been sucked into his insanity. It is up to you to find your way out. Please, please, please, tell your family. You might be surprised at how supportive they will be. They may already know what is going on and have been waiting for you to bring it up. They can be the best support system you could find. Don't keep this all bottled up. Tell someone like you told us here. Find an Alanon meeting. Everyone there will know how you feel. Start climbing out of that hole. You can only do it one step at a time. You have already started that climb by sharing with us. Keep coming back. There are alot of people who will be here for you.

Hugs, Jo

BlueMoon

**{Jane}}
in addition to the wise words already spoken (ok ok - WRITTEN) -
i'd like to recommend a book - it's called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew - it's really about taking care of You - i got my copy 20 yrs ago and it helped me to stop buying into my A's insanity and to see that it was Not me who was crazy, but the situation - (ok, AND my AH)

be gentle with yourself, take care of YOU and keep coming back to talk/vent/etc! you're NOT the only one!! i don't know what your family is like, but consider giving them a chance at understanding -

hang in there!

Gracie1953

Jane,

Right now you no doubt have so many conflicting emotions that you're not sure which end is up. I agree with others that you should try telling your family. You don't have to tell everyone at once. Pick someone you are close to or even a close friend. You need the support and there is no reason for you to bear this alone. It's not your fault.

Talk to someone, then decide what you want to do with your life, never mind his. That's his problem. Make a plan and follow through with whatever you decide to do. At 25 you have already lived a lifetime due to alcoholism. But you have many good years left. Years that can be happy and healthy. The catch is that you have to do it. No one can do it for you. But once you decide, there is a lot of support.

Keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing.

Gracie

sunflowergal29

Jane Doe,
I know that feeling of being dead at 25, it isn't nice. You have one life to live, and you have every right to be treated better than this. By hiding his behavior and allowing him to treat you this way, what you're really saying to him is that you are finding it acceptable.
A good friend of mine always told me it starts with self-love. I couldn't figure out what she was talking about- I figured I loved myself, that is why I wanted out so bad, why I knew I deserved better. But as I am realizing now, if I loved myself then I wouldn't have let the crappy treatment continue on for as long as I have.
I think that somewhere in you there is hope- otherwise you wouldn't have even posted.
Build a support system- it really helps. Pick up the phone, go talk to the people you know in your heart will help. It just takes one baby step after the other, whether you decide to stay or go. And remember, we are always here to listen and care.
By the way- when was the last time you did something nice for yourself, like having a nice soaking bubble bath, renting a good movie only you like, getting your hair done, etc? You deserve special treatment too!
-sfg29

Lorelai

Jane -
You say that are being physically abused sometimes. Please make a plan. Have a way out just in case - someone to stay with, some money. Please do that first - right now. Then, listen to everyone's advice. There are some very wise people here who have been where you are.
Hugs - L

LovingMom

My dearest Jane, First know that you are supported here. I don't know where I got this..so I hope I'm not stepping on anyones toes..but this helps me each and every day.
Speak Quietly to yourself and promise there will be better days.
Whisper gently to yourself and provide assurance that you really are extending your best effort.
Console your bruised and tender spirit with reminders of many other successes.
Recognize that on certain days the Greatest Grace is that the day is over and you get to close your eyes.
Offer comfort in practical and tangible ways, as if you were encouraging your dearest friend.
And Lastly,
Please remember that tomorrow comes more brightly.


Keep coming back dear...you are ******************{HUGGED}}}}}}}}}}

Mom

Jane Doe

Thank you so much everyone for your support. It's really hard to talk to people who just can't know how it really is unless they are in that situation.

The physical violence is just pushing or twisting my wrists or punching holes in the wall, always fighting over the keys when he is drunk. When he is sober he wouldn't hurt a fly. I don't get how someone can be so night and day. I don't like to leave my dog. I can handle that. I know if it got worse or even now my parents,brothers or sister really knew then me and my dog would be welcome. I am just too ashamed to say anything. I have a really good, loving family. I don't know how I got here.

Jeez...That sounds really pathetic.

LovingMom- Thank you. I really like that. It's nice to have something comforting to say to yourself.

ASpouse

Oh my, this sounds so like how my situation was only 10 short months ago. My H too was a binge drinker, he would not stay out hours and hours, but would pack so much booze into his system on the way home from work and pass out as soon as he got home. Like you, our dogs loved him, then them, then me.

Finally last year, the day the power went out on the Eastern US, he was trying/begging to get into rehab anyway he knew how. A few months before that I just stopped interacting with him period and told him he had to go to rehab. Funny thing, he didn't even know the power was out in the Eastern US :-)

He finally figured out, after hours of drunken conversations on the phone with the insurance company how he was going to get into rehab. He asked me take him ..... I told him "nope" figure it out yourself. He did and he is still sober today and just started step 5.

Dead at 25? No I don't think so ....... but he needs help and you need to help yourself and concentrate on yourself.

Get out, get divorced, move back home whatever, but believe me this can go on for years and years and years and then you'll have a baby and you'll think things will change and they won't, only now you'll have a baby watching his or her alcoholic father be drunk.

He is sick, talk to your family, go to AlAnon, get your strength back, but do something. Please, I've been there done that for far too long!

vikster

My heart goes out to you! So many here have said it before, but I must echo it. Support helps! You are not alone. Reach out in anyway you can -- this board is a great place, but also call friends even if they are not nearby. And, if you can find the courage, reach out to your family as well.

My AH recently went on a really scary 2 week binge on a whole bunch of substances. In the past, he just had short binges and I never felt justified in discussing the problem beyond a small group of my friends. I felt very alone dealing with the problem. But with this recent episode, there was no way of keeping it. Now my family, his family, our staff and many friends know. I was amazed at the degree of support I got from all sources. Including his dad and best friends. I had him thrown in jail for threatening behavior (something unimaginable from this man) and they were all telling me I did the right thing!

During this period, I felt like I was on the phone for 12 hours a day discussing the situation. It was exhausting and I sometimes just wanted to escape it all and not think about it, but all that discussion and great support helped me know that my feelings weren't crazy, I wasn't wrong or a "puritan" (his word) all these years.

Always remember that it is HIS problem, but with devastating effects on you. You must do everything possible to protect and heal YOU.

My prayers are with you.

myles1

You are 25 and you aren't dead. Tell your family, get to some Alanon meetings. Make a plan.

You say he JUST twists your wrists and punches holes in the walls. Everytime he twists your wrists or punches a hole he is punching your self-worth and your self-esteem.

It will only get worse before it gets better.

Ngaire

tootiredmom

One different point of view. I understand not telling your family. My family doesn't know the extent of my husband's problem and I am not going to tell them because I don't want to feel like I have to make them feel okay about it or about me. (and I would want to make them feel better), I have, though, found a wonderful network of people with whom I can confide and maybe that is the route you need and not worry about your family. When it all comes out or if it never comes out you will have someone to trust. Everyone in my family thinks I have the perfect husband. Oh goodness, if they only knew! You have a long life left, talk to people, email some of us here, reach out like you have here and you will be surprised and amazed at the support you will get from those of us in your shoes. Good luck.

mary559

Jane,
I am 32 and don't feel like I am at the end . You still have alot going for you if not by yourself with your A. You are gojng to feel powerless and that is natural. Unless they don't want to stop they won't. Please look into having a support group and going to meetings, you will find that you are not alone. Lots of hugs
Mary