The rules of the house.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
The rules of the house.
No Alcohol in this house.
No Drinking Alcohol in this house.
No Coming home Intoxicated to this house.
No excuses for violating the above rules in this house.
Violate these rules, You Will Not Be Living In This House.
I'm new here, and in my introduction explained that the woman I love is locked into alcoholism, has gone through multiple treatment programs and has now relapsed right to where we started.
After talking with friends last night, I decided that restating the rules in writing and having her sign the document puts her on notice of the consequences - and if she simply wants to indulge in continuing her drinking she doesn't need to sign and can just start looking for other living arrangements.
She signed the document last night when she arrived home from work, sober by alcohol swab test, and apologized profusely (...how many more times...) and said she will continue with outpatient treatment at WRA.
I'll post updates - hopefully positive developments, as they happen.
Thanks.
No Drinking Alcohol in this house.
No Coming home Intoxicated to this house.
No excuses for violating the above rules in this house.
Violate these rules, You Will Not Be Living In This House.
I'm new here, and in my introduction explained that the woman I love is locked into alcoholism, has gone through multiple treatment programs and has now relapsed right to where we started.
After talking with friends last night, I decided that restating the rules in writing and having her sign the document puts her on notice of the consequences - and if she simply wants to indulge in continuing her drinking she doesn't need to sign and can just start looking for other living arrangements.
She signed the document last night when she arrived home from work, sober by alcohol swab test, and apologized profusely (...how many more times...) and said she will continue with outpatient treatment at WRA.
I'll post updates - hopefully positive developments, as they happen.
Thanks.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
What if she gets drunk and just doesn't come home for the night or sleeps it off drunk in her car outside the house? I guess my point is that if she wants to drink then she is going to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 23
I was given that ultimatum from my hubby but he never followed through. If you put it out there, stick to it. I would have quit drinking or tried sooner if he had kicked me out.
I did the game of just not coming home or leaving and going to a hotel.
Hope it works out for you.
avondale
I did the game of just not coming home or leaving and going to a hotel.
Hope it works out for you.
avondale
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ewww. You had her sign a list of RULES?
I'm sorry, that is just... the kind of thing you might do with a child. If it is unacceptable for you to live with her drinking, leave. Or ask her to leave.
She is an adult, not your child, and you have no right to lay down RULES for her. Aside from the fact that it is controlling and putting you in the position of being the authority in a household she shares in equally, it won't work. If she wants to stay sober she will, if she cannot or will not, the rules won't matter.
I'm sorry, that is just... the kind of thing you might do with a child. If it is unacceptable for you to live with her drinking, leave. Or ask her to leave.
She is an adult, not your child, and you have no right to lay down RULES for her. Aside from the fact that it is controlling and putting you in the position of being the authority in a household she shares in equally, it won't work. If she wants to stay sober she will, if she cannot or will not, the rules won't matter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I tried a similar approach of us both signing a 'contract', which honestly was more about what he shouldn't do than anything about me (I wasn't the one getting drunk, what could I be doing wrong?! Lots it turns out!). He signed it because it stopped me leaving. Didn't stop him drinking and I didn't follow through with any action for myself (and therefore a consequence for him), so I taught him once again that it was ok to break agreements.
If she wants to drink again she will drink again, if she wants to stop she will stop. I think you have stated some great boundaries, but they are YOUR boundaries, she does not have to agree to them for them to be meaningful! Can you restate your initial 'rules' as boundaries for yourself? E.g. I will not live with someone who is actively drinking.
Your boundaries are to protect you, so you don't have to be subjected to someone else's negativity, they are not meant to, and can never effectively be used to, control someone else's behaviour. Their behaviour is their decision, much as sometimes we wish we could choose it for them.
It does sound like she is making an effort and feels terrible about her past drinking, it does feel a little like you are treating her like a child. Take it one day at a time, today she didn't drink and that's good. Tomorrow might be a different story, but you have a set of boundaries you can put in place to protect yourself if that is the case.
If she wants to drink again she will drink again, if she wants to stop she will stop. I think you have stated some great boundaries, but they are YOUR boundaries, she does not have to agree to them for them to be meaningful! Can you restate your initial 'rules' as boundaries for yourself? E.g. I will not live with someone who is actively drinking.
Your boundaries are to protect you, so you don't have to be subjected to someone else's negativity, they are not meant to, and can never effectively be used to, control someone else's behaviour. Their behaviour is their decision, much as sometimes we wish we could choose it for them.
It does sound like she is making an effort and feels terrible about her past drinking, it does feel a little like you are treating her like a child. Take it one day at a time, today she didn't drink and that's good. Tomorrow might be a different story, but you have a set of boundaries you can put in place to protect yourself if that is the case.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I like that you set clear boundaries, however be prepared to follow through. You must be willing to make her leave or she will continue to manipulate you into getting her way. That is what my husband has done each time we have a discussion about his drinking. I did something similar in a verbal fashion with my ADH. Told him no more drinking, no alcohol in the house and get into some sort of rehab program or I would file for divorce. Well, low and behold it didnt change him whatsoever. He got angry that I was trying to "control him" and the drinking and he just now hides it and pretends like he is "sober". So now I have to follow through and I am interviewing more lawyers as we speak to get the ball rolling.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello cat, and welcome!
I'm sorry to hear that your wife continues to relapse and struggle. It is a horrendously powerful disease.
I certainly understand your frustration and your desire to 'draw a line in the sand'. One thing I have learned over the years, however, is that a list like the one you have written and have asked your wife to sign will do no good unless you are prepared to pull the trigger, so to speak.
Healthy boundaries might be more along the lines of:
I will not live in a house in which there is alcohol.
I will not live in a house in which there is drinking going on.
I will not be around you if you come home drunk.
If any of these things happen, I will ask you to leave, or I will leave myself.
The most important thing I have learned over the years is that I cannot control the behavior of the alcoholics and addicts in my life--I can only control myself.
Please stick around and read all you can. We really do understand everything you are going through right now. I hope things will improve for you soon!
I'm sorry to hear that your wife continues to relapse and struggle. It is a horrendously powerful disease.
I certainly understand your frustration and your desire to 'draw a line in the sand'. One thing I have learned over the years, however, is that a list like the one you have written and have asked your wife to sign will do no good unless you are prepared to pull the trigger, so to speak.
Healthy boundaries might be more along the lines of:
I will not live in a house in which there is alcohol.
I will not live in a house in which there is drinking going on.
I will not be around you if you come home drunk.
If any of these things happen, I will ask you to leave, or I will leave myself.
The most important thing I have learned over the years is that I cannot control the behavior of the alcoholics and addicts in my life--I can only control myself.
Please stick around and read all you can. We really do understand everything you are going through right now. I hope things will improve for you soon!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear bigbasscat, I did a similar thing with my adult sons (each at a different time). Each one returned home after a reversal of fortune to "get back on their feet". I felt very strongly that sobriety should be part of living in my house. (in reality it is OUR family home, but, since they are now adult and I pay the mortgage/utilities/food---I make the rules).
I was painfully unsuccessful. I made posters that said "IF YOU BE SIPPIN'--I BE TRIPPIN'". They drank and I was forced to enforce the rule. I had to put their posessions outside the house and lock all the windows and doors. I hated with all my heart to do it--but, I was tired of their behavior and had to draw a boundry. They crossed the boundry--my only choice was to enforce it.
That is my experience with house rules-----------ugh!
dandylion
I was painfully unsuccessful. I made posters that said "IF YOU BE SIPPIN'--I BE TRIPPIN'". They drank and I was forced to enforce the rule. I had to put their posessions outside the house and lock all the windows and doors. I hated with all my heart to do it--but, I was tired of their behavior and had to draw a boundry. They crossed the boundry--my only choice was to enforce it.
That is my experience with house rules-----------ugh!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I see nothing wrong with setting the rules in your house, assuming she doesn't also own it, which could be quite the sticking point because it would be unenforceable.
Ultimatums though are relationship killers. One person takes a controlling position. Nobody likes to be controlled, so there is huge resentment, and adults tend to want to be the boss of their own life.
It sounds very difficult to work inside a relationship using an ultimatum for that reason. Equal power has been lost, and that creates its own problems.
However I wish you well with it and I hope she abides. I am hoping for you that you get the sanity within your home you need, whatever it takes.
Ultimatums though are relationship killers. One person takes a controlling position. Nobody likes to be controlled, so there is huge resentment, and adults tend to want to be the boss of their own life.
It sounds very difficult to work inside a relationship using an ultimatum for that reason. Equal power has been lost, and that creates its own problems.
However I wish you well with it and I hope she abides. I am hoping for you that you get the sanity within your home you need, whatever it takes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
This has happened repeatedly .... so why are you still in the relationship? It's a good idea for us to take our own inventory before pointing the finger at someone else. It took me an embarrassingly long time to really get this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
Answering questions.
Yes, I had her sign the rules. Yes, it will not insure that she won't drink.
What such a document does is gives me a certain amount of cover (not much in the event she kills someone while driving drunk) in the event that I have a screaming drunken woman on my hands and want her removed from the residence.
She is an official (as in state issued DL) resident of my home, her name is not on the deed or mortgage.
I have made her leave the house for drinking - it was not a wonderful thing to have to do, but fwiw it did get her into another detox and another rehab stay.
What I didn't post but what is very pertinent is that from our reconnection on, she has fallen apart wrt drinking in June-July - last July is when I was forced to tell her to leave. I'm hoping to head off this years meltdown before it happens.
What didn't come across in my op and you'd have no way to know it in any case is that I'm not giving her the third degree and forcing her to do anything - I told her if she needs to stay here and get the money together to find a new place, no problem, I'll help her out with $ to the extent I'm able, and nothing is going to change my love for her, I just can't have an active addict/alcoholic in my life, my heart and my home.
One thing that I wasn't surprised to find out through this process is that she tried to keep most of her out-of-area circle from contact with me and each other because she was lying in varying degrees to everyone about her sobriety and everything else. When she was in the program last year we all started putting things together and discovered the truth.
I have active involvement with her doctor and her counselor, she has no sponsor... because the job she found has a rotating schedule even day to day with split days off...Hmmmm. I've pointed her in several directions wrt sponsors that I know she didn't pursue.
What I think she really wants is sobriety from taking a pill.
The $64,000.00 dollar question? Why is she still here?
Aside from the fact that I'm a male and stupid?
That's not the truth.
I don't have a blood family, I have a family of choice. We don't leave sick people behind because they're inconvenient.
I didn't have any reasonable role models or even sober role models growing up, so I got to pick ones as I discovered them.
One of the guys I know grew up in a normal family, close Italians, lots of love.
His dad started getting sick when he was a kid, had a number of heart attacks and finally died when my friend was a teenager. He made his son, my friend, promise to "take care of mom."
He wanted to join the Marines.
He stayed home instead, joined the local SO, bought a house for her before he bought his own. As she got sick, went blind, he took care of her up until she needed professional 24 hour care.
That's a man. I hope I'm half as good.
Will I let the woman I love drink herself to death? I can't stop her, but I can try to fight it in any way I can and still keep my health, and that's exactly what I'm trying to do.
Thanks.
What such a document does is gives me a certain amount of cover (not much in the event she kills someone while driving drunk) in the event that I have a screaming drunken woman on my hands and want her removed from the residence.
She is an official (as in state issued DL) resident of my home, her name is not on the deed or mortgage.
I have made her leave the house for drinking - it was not a wonderful thing to have to do, but fwiw it did get her into another detox and another rehab stay.
What I didn't post but what is very pertinent is that from our reconnection on, she has fallen apart wrt drinking in June-July - last July is when I was forced to tell her to leave. I'm hoping to head off this years meltdown before it happens.
What didn't come across in my op and you'd have no way to know it in any case is that I'm not giving her the third degree and forcing her to do anything - I told her if she needs to stay here and get the money together to find a new place, no problem, I'll help her out with $ to the extent I'm able, and nothing is going to change my love for her, I just can't have an active addict/alcoholic in my life, my heart and my home.
One thing that I wasn't surprised to find out through this process is that she tried to keep most of her out-of-area circle from contact with me and each other because she was lying in varying degrees to everyone about her sobriety and everything else. When she was in the program last year we all started putting things together and discovered the truth.
I have active involvement with her doctor and her counselor, she has no sponsor... because the job she found has a rotating schedule even day to day with split days off...Hmmmm. I've pointed her in several directions wrt sponsors that I know she didn't pursue.
What I think she really wants is sobriety from taking a pill.
The $64,000.00 dollar question? Why is she still here?
Aside from the fact that I'm a male and stupid?
That's not the truth.
I don't have a blood family, I have a family of choice. We don't leave sick people behind because they're inconvenient.
I didn't have any reasonable role models or even sober role models growing up, so I got to pick ones as I discovered them.
One of the guys I know grew up in a normal family, close Italians, lots of love.
His dad started getting sick when he was a kid, had a number of heart attacks and finally died when my friend was a teenager. He made his son, my friend, promise to "take care of mom."
He wanted to join the Marines.
He stayed home instead, joined the local SO, bought a house for her before he bought his own. As she got sick, went blind, he took care of her up until she needed professional 24 hour care.
That's a man. I hope I'm half as good.
Will I let the woman I love drink herself to death? I can't stop her, but I can try to fight it in any way I can and still keep my health, and that's exactly what I'm trying to do.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I sincerely hope your health prevails.
Living in an addicted household took a toll on my mental and physical health.
No we do not leave sick people behind when they are sick, but this disease does not fall into normal circumstances, ( as you already know) seems the more we do, the more we end up enabling. Until an addict feels the consequences of their actions and choices, there will not be change.
Wishing you peace, and strength.
Living in an addicted household took a toll on my mental and physical health.
No we do not leave sick people behind when they are sick, but this disease does not fall into normal circumstances, ( as you already know) seems the more we do, the more we end up enabling. Until an addict feels the consequences of their actions and choices, there will not be change.
Wishing you peace, and strength.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
It does sound like you have compassion for her from what you have updated us with. And you have an understanding of boundaries - you said you can still love her but you can't live with her if it is going to adversely affect you (i.e. she keeps drinking). That is all very positive and healthy.
You also said you were going to fight it in any way possible. The sad part is there is no way possible for you to fight it. Unfortunately, and its such a hard reality to face, nothing you do can stop her drinking herself to death if that is what she chooses, truly we are powerless. You can allow her the opportunity to make those decisions, good or bad, for herself, that is the only healthy way you can support her, and yourself. No one is suggesting abandoning her because she is ill, only taking whatever steps are required so that you don't have to suffer with her.
I wish you the best of luck, you are on the right path. Make sure to have a read of all the stickies at the top of the forum and keep your mind open to reading other people's stories. Often we see things in their stories that help us realise things about own own.
You also said you were going to fight it in any way possible. The sad part is there is no way possible for you to fight it. Unfortunately, and its such a hard reality to face, nothing you do can stop her drinking herself to death if that is what she chooses, truly we are powerless. You can allow her the opportunity to make those decisions, good or bad, for herself, that is the only healthy way you can support her, and yourself. No one is suggesting abandoning her because she is ill, only taking whatever steps are required so that you don't have to suffer with her.
I wish you the best of luck, you are on the right path. Make sure to have a read of all the stickies at the top of the forum and keep your mind open to reading other people's stories. Often we see things in their stories that help us realise things about own own.
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