New to the forum, and lerked a bit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
New to the forum, and lerked a bit.
I have been on the fence for a few years about what is going on. And what I
To preface it all. I have spent a bit of time trolling these forums. I was afraid of how to post what I have been through, how to relate it all and not make it a narcissistic rant.
I am a vet, that had a pretty easy time when I was on active duty. I never deployed. I met the lady of my life. I am still married to her. We have to wonderful kids, one is HFA, but he is a gift no matter how you look at it.
We have traveled the world and back. And in that time, we experienced things many will never know. I love her with everything I have in me. I have left my family behind for her and our children. ( Crap, this is going to get long )
-Back Story- My mother and father should have never had children. My bio dad is/was/still is a sociopath with a love of young girls and boys which I was made a part of. My mother? She would take her beatings and drown it all away in hooch. Needless to say it was not the best way to live.
Thankfully she left him, but it was a bit to late, there was time in hiding, there was a neglectful mom that went full on **** after it was all done. Either she was to busy with work or f***ing the flavor or the week. That is enough of the back story.
-Where I am now- It has been a roller coaster to be honest. If I cannot be honest anywhere else? I will be here. I am an active IRC user, a linux head, a mac geek a systems integration guy to try and run from all my issues. And let me tell ya. I have done it all drunk. I have seen the posts here. So many degrees done while drunk. Well, I was almost one of them. We extended in Alaska with the hope I could get my degree done.
We PCS'd to California. She deployed 4 months after we got there. It was supposed to be 6 months. It was almost 9 1/2 before she got home.
What made me drink more in that time? It is an excuse. I was alone, still in contact with my dis-functional family and a command that gave every spec of support to wives. But as dependent husband? I was expected to figure it out on my own. So I drank more. I made no friends, I did not find a job. I focused everything on when I could call my wife. When we could talk, even though I had nothing of promise to give to her.
It was all negative, The same **** different day. " You do not care about me, so I do not care about you." The wall got bigger. It got thicker, it only kept my resolve to think: "Why should I care?"
-Flash Foward- The here and now:
My wife and I love each other, she has never known me any other way than in the drink. It fudged my military time, but not to the point that I could not come back. It has made me stagnate. I have job prospects on the horizon that I have avoided to drink. I can be a good dad in the moment, but I always feel like sh*t. I wake up from my malaise to push tea down my throat as fast as I can with a shot of B-vits to feel better and get on my game.
After school let out, I am lucky to get out of bed around 9 am. My boys have been up for? Well , I do not really know.
It is hard to make this change when my wife is so down. It is hard to do this on my own. I have told myself time and again, that I am not like those 'lossers'. I can take anything and make it work. But true and true? To be damned honest for once? I am a damned drunk. If you give me a pitcher of beer? I will drink it. If you give me a 32 back of rot-gut? Sign my ass up.
Depressed or not, I know it has to change, I just have to find the strength to do it alone. I don't know anyone in San Antonio, and after all we have been through? I do not know if I care to. I know it will be a battle with her so down, I know it will be hard to find a job. But this sh*t has to stop.
I have really had it, I am done. I know it was a long post, but I feel better for it. I cannot do this anymore. I rush away from my wife to drink. I take care of my kids enough to drink. I ignore the emails for possible jobs to crack and can and maybe play a game. Something has to change. And it has to change now.
~Drake
To preface it all. I have spent a bit of time trolling these forums. I was afraid of how to post what I have been through, how to relate it all and not make it a narcissistic rant.
I am a vet, that had a pretty easy time when I was on active duty. I never deployed. I met the lady of my life. I am still married to her. We have to wonderful kids, one is HFA, but he is a gift no matter how you look at it.
We have traveled the world and back. And in that time, we experienced things many will never know. I love her with everything I have in me. I have left my family behind for her and our children. ( Crap, this is going to get long )
-Back Story- My mother and father should have never had children. My bio dad is/was/still is a sociopath with a love of young girls and boys which I was made a part of. My mother? She would take her beatings and drown it all away in hooch. Needless to say it was not the best way to live.
Thankfully she left him, but it was a bit to late, there was time in hiding, there was a neglectful mom that went full on **** after it was all done. Either she was to busy with work or f***ing the flavor or the week. That is enough of the back story.
-Where I am now- It has been a roller coaster to be honest. If I cannot be honest anywhere else? I will be here. I am an active IRC user, a linux head, a mac geek a systems integration guy to try and run from all my issues. And let me tell ya. I have done it all drunk. I have seen the posts here. So many degrees done while drunk. Well, I was almost one of them. We extended in Alaska with the hope I could get my degree done.
We PCS'd to California. She deployed 4 months after we got there. It was supposed to be 6 months. It was almost 9 1/2 before she got home.
What made me drink more in that time? It is an excuse. I was alone, still in contact with my dis-functional family and a command that gave every spec of support to wives. But as dependent husband? I was expected to figure it out on my own. So I drank more. I made no friends, I did not find a job. I focused everything on when I could call my wife. When we could talk, even though I had nothing of promise to give to her.
It was all negative, The same **** different day. " You do not care about me, so I do not care about you." The wall got bigger. It got thicker, it only kept my resolve to think: "Why should I care?"
-Flash Foward- The here and now:
My wife and I love each other, she has never known me any other way than in the drink. It fudged my military time, but not to the point that I could not come back. It has made me stagnate. I have job prospects on the horizon that I have avoided to drink. I can be a good dad in the moment, but I always feel like sh*t. I wake up from my malaise to push tea down my throat as fast as I can with a shot of B-vits to feel better and get on my game.
After school let out, I am lucky to get out of bed around 9 am. My boys have been up for? Well , I do not really know.
It is hard to make this change when my wife is so down. It is hard to do this on my own. I have told myself time and again, that I am not like those 'lossers'. I can take anything and make it work. But true and true? To be damned honest for once? I am a damned drunk. If you give me a pitcher of beer? I will drink it. If you give me a 32 back of rot-gut? Sign my ass up.
Depressed or not, I know it has to change, I just have to find the strength to do it alone. I don't know anyone in San Antonio, and after all we have been through? I do not know if I care to. I know it will be a battle with her so down, I know it will be hard to find a job. But this sh*t has to stop.
I have really had it, I am done. I know it was a long post, but I feel better for it. I cannot do this anymore. I rush away from my wife to drink. I take care of my kids enough to drink. I ignore the emails for possible jobs to crack and can and maybe play a game. Something has to change. And it has to change now.
~Drake
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Drake 
I came here not really knowing how, but knowing things had to change.
There's a lot of support advice and encouragement here - this place helped me turn my life around 6 years ago.
I know we can help you too
welcome to SR!
I came here not really knowing how, but knowing things had to change.
There's a lot of support advice and encouragement here - this place helped me turn my life around 6 years ago.
I know we can help you too
welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 291
Welcome! Lurking is fine, but now that you joined us it shows committment. Do whatever you can to tackle your issues. Your life depends on it along with your family that needs you.
Keep posting and Best Wishes!
Keep posting and Best Wishes!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by Drakken 
. Something has to change. And it has to change now.
~Drake
~Drake
San Antonio
Central Service Office
Helpline: (210)828-6235
Main: (210)821-6325, FAX: (210)822-4491, Spanish Hotline: (210)409-8524
Site: Central Service Office of San Antonio | Where you will find Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Day 2 and really suprised.. Just Wow..
Thank you all for your kind words and support. Sorry for such a long initial post. Surprise, surprise. I was 10 ways into a 12 pack at the time of high gravity beer.
But today is my day 2, and I have realized a few things. No beer means I do not sleep to save me own skin. Which kinda sucked. I slept about 45 min last night. So aside from a bit tired, my mind is still more clear than it has been in years.
Here is what I did not expect: There are 0 cravings, no shakes, no sweats, no panic, no anxiety, no loathing, no fear. In short nothing I was terrified would happen. So I don't know if it will hit me in a few days, next week or not at all. It still does not change the fact drinking needs to stop. Once I learn how to sleep again, things will get better.
I offer this for all of you in Newcomers that are on the fence. I have read your stories, I see the worries, I see the fear. But you never know how you will handle it until you take that first step. Be strong and live well.
But today is my day 2, and I have realized a few things. No beer means I do not sleep to save me own skin. Which kinda sucked. I slept about 45 min last night. So aside from a bit tired, my mind is still more clear than it has been in years.
Here is what I did not expect: There are 0 cravings, no shakes, no sweats, no panic, no anxiety, no loathing, no fear. In short nothing I was terrified would happen. So I don't know if it will hit me in a few days, next week or not at all. It still does not change the fact drinking needs to stop. Once I learn how to sleep again, things will get better.
I offer this for all of you in Newcomers that are on the fence. I have read your stories, I see the worries, I see the fear. But you never know how you will handle it until you take that first step. Be strong and live well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Welcome Drake,
I think many of us have experienced the insomnia and it is maddening! When I was going through it, I kept reading about how it would get better......and it did The amount of time it takes to get normal sleep patterns established, varies.....but it will happen...so hang in there!
I think many of us have experienced the insomnia and it is maddening! When I was going through it, I kept reading about how it would get better......and it did
The amount of time it takes to get normal sleep patterns established, varies.....but it will happen...so hang in there!
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Insomnia was all mine for 3 months. Be heartened that this is not very normal but at least some insomnia is. You may not be having cravings or suffering now but you will so get ready and have a plan.
You seem very alone and that makes it hard. I had my wife to stand by me which really helped. I found AA to be very helpful as well. Regardless of what you feel about your story at AA there will be a chorus of "been there, done that." There is here as well you just can't hear it. Whatever you've done or think you've done, there is someone who has done the same or worse. They may have also survived - and recovered.
You seem very alone and that makes it hard. I had my wife to stand by me which really helped. I found AA to be very helpful as well. Regardless of what you feel about your story at AA there will be a chorus of "been there, done that." There is here as well you just can't hear it. Whatever you've done or think you've done, there is someone who has done the same or worse. They may have also survived - and recovered.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
hi drake.
day 5 here and this forum has already offered more support than i could have imagined. i think i'm 'lucky' in a way in that i'm already under the care of my local mental health team and therefore have 24hr support if i need it.
i'm going on monday to get myself into an outpatient treatment program and am terrified. if we can all support each other i'm sure we can help each other when things are tough.
be well.
day 5 here and this forum has already offered more support than i could have imagined. i think i'm 'lucky' in a way in that i'm already under the care of my local mental health team and therefore have 24hr support if i need it.
i'm going on monday to get myself into an outpatient treatment program and am terrified. if we can all support each other i'm sure we can help each other when things are tough.
be well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
ippochick: Good on ya for getting the support you need in your RL. Some of the struggles I have read about here really break my hurt. To hear the ups and downs y'all go through. It truly rips my heart out. Stay strong. Reach out, and know every damn on of us is pulling for you.
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