Wing

Almost 3 months after the violent breakup. and I still couldn't make up my mind to block him. Whenever he msg while drunk or whatever, I just reied and ended up I was always upset. He said he missed me, told me to move to there yet still said it was me who got crazy and ****** up. It's never his cocaine problem! Sozo said its just gas lighting, rite?

I do miss him a lot most of time. But sometimes when I think about all the **** he had done, I was burning inside. And I highly suspected that he was cheating during the relationship though he swore ups and downs. Same as when he denied about using but then I found the MSG with drug dealer in phone.

Anyway, today I brought up the cheating suspect again. Dunno why I cared so much though its past and we are half the globe away now. But in the end I was all burning and say all the disrespectful words to him. And said I just wish him die and go to hell! He finally blocked me in whatsapp. Cool.

I really feel so disgusted that I was related to him. I think that I'm getting reallyentally sick! I dunno what to do... Counseling didn't help... Mental hospital? God...

EnglishGarden

Wing,

The last word in your post might actually be a clue to your solution.

Whether you are religious in a traditional way or spiritual in an individual way, I have found that when people have experienced a major emotional blow and are lost afterward and in pain, that the way they heal is through reconnection with the divine and holy powers of the universe, however they choose to do that.

Though the breakup was three months ago, the constant injecting of poison into your brain has continued via the contact with him. Our minds are fragile, we are fragile, and once someone has wounded us deeply, we are very very fragile. It makes us very easy targets for someone who gets off on power. And all coke addicts get high off power.

You are too sensitive right now, too vulnerable, to be having any contact at all with someone who is emotionally unstable and emotionally violent. You are a windflower and he is a hurricane.

Think about where you can reconnect with your soul, Wing. In what environment can you do that, where you are living? Is it a spiritual study group, is it a 12-step group, is it adult religious education, could it be yoga or perhaps simply taking books out of the library and reading, every day, spiritual wisdom and writing down your feelings and thoughts? You must turn your eyes and attention away from him and toward that which will bring light into your soul.

I am sorry you feel so bad today. You are a good person and you do not deserve what has happened. You have been under the control of a very powerful and very sick person and it has beaten you down. His approval and disapproval, his hot and his cold, it has all had a hold on you and you have been wounded deeply.

Please stop looking to him for affirmation that you are of value and are beautiful. He is a person who sees everyone in his life as an object to be used for his ego. And once he is done with that, used the person up, then he starts using another person. He does not love people, Wing. He works them.

I'm glad you posted. You have been with SR for awhile and I know we are all very concerned for you and want you to be happy.

gfwhoneverknew

Hi Wing! Don't know what u meant related to him?? He was bf right?? Also, been there somewhat with an adbf and let me tell u, when they are high it doesn't really matter what the question was during about that time w the addict...ya know...they aren't even thinking rationally at all so what's the point in questioning someone like that. It is what it is and isn't what it isn't and I'm proud of ur independance!

zoso77

Wing,

What, exactly, was your endgame when you initiated this confrontation? To hurt him? If that's the case, he's not your problem. You are your problem.

I get it. You're pissed off, and you've got every reason to be pissed off. But being pissed off doesn't give you license to behave poorly.

Those in active addiction will never see things the way we do. They are incapable of doing so, and expecting them to do so will drive us to where you're headed right: batsh*t nuts.

One thing I am thankful for regarding my AXGF and how she confessed being unfaithful to me via text was I didn't rip into her. I didn't call her names. I didn't threaten her. I just knew that what she did wasn't about me and was all about her. So the last thing I texted was, literally, "Goodbye. God Bless". That was it, and then I hunkered down to ride out the ensuing emotional storm.

So, you can choose to behave poorly, or you can choose to get a grip on your feelings. The choice is yours.

ZoSo

Wing

ZoSo,

I behaved poorly. I lost my mind. The anger from the betrayal just had eaten me up. I dunno how to deal with it. I'm so torn. I truly miss him and love him but all I got is constantly mistreat and lies and betrayal, maybe cheating too. After I posted this thread, I spent nites crying like hell... I haven't been eating at all, spending most of my time in bed. I want to apologize to him... But what about him? He never apologize for what he had done to me.

I think that my brain is trying to tell me not missing him. So, I recalled all the lies and bad things... And became very angry. Part of me have no power to end it by myself. So, I had to say bad things to him to make him leave me alone forever.

I have never been like this before. I quit my job and avoid all my friends coz I feel ashamed about myself not yet let go. I'm self blaming...

I'll try to go to church tomorrow... And call councelor on monday

Wing

EnglishGarden,

Thanks. U are always so kind even though I behaved poorly. I'm filled with guilt... And I'm so emotional now. Feel like I'm totally broken down and I dunno how to pick up the pieces anymore. I had good job, lots of friends, smart, pretty and attractive... They said I have everything and can get everything. But now I feel like I lost everything. Avoiding friends, quit my job, staying in bed everyday.

They all said he doesn't deserve me and I'm too classy for him. I thought he'd be happy and proud to have a good gf. I tried to br even better. But he's the one who treated me so bad... As my friend said, no one ever lay a hand on me in my life but he hit me... If I were as good as people think I am, why he doesn't love me and care me. I saw the other posts. Their spouse would at least try to beg them and try to stop drugs and alcohol. He just said I over reacted and cry like 16 year old.

I'm nothing now and I looked terrible now. Yes, u are right. I'll try to go to church tomorrow.

Needingadvice1

You're still all those things! You're self esteem is just damaged. I feel the same way. I think you need a night/day out with your friends. Force yourself to get dressed up, do something fun & give yourself a night off from your ex. If you feel miserable, fake it! Real happiness will eventually follow.

What's done is done. You can't change anything & it's unhealthy to keep thrashing things over & over in your mind. Your wiser now. You've learnt a whole heap from this relationship - not just about drug addiction but about yourself. Use that to grow stronger & to move on to the next chapter of your life. You can be happy again! Best wishes & thinking of you

EnglishGarden

Wing,

In my opinion no woman who has been hit and treated brutally--emotionally as well as physically-- should ever apologize to her abuser. It does not matter what you said to him, in my opinion. To feel rage toward a brutal man is normal, angry outbursts toward him are normal, feeling crazy and out of control is normal, and breaking down as a result of the emotional trauma is normal. I think it is asking far too much of a woman who has been repeatedly assaulted--physically and emotionally--to take the high road and respond with good manners or rational detachment toward her abuser.

What she needs is help. She needs help.

Wing, you do not owe the man any apology and I would not for one minute regret anything that came out of my mouth directed at the man who hit me and treated me like a piece of trash. Never.

I hope you can get to church. And I hope you will treat yourself gently as if you had just come home from a war all wrapped in bandages.

Stay away from him. Don't apologize to him. Women owe no apologies to men who brutalize them. Just get away and stay away. No contact ever again.

You are mixed up and messed up only because you were isolated in this relationship and became controlled by an abuser. This is a syndrome of abuse, Wing, and its outcome is what is now happening to you: breakdown and shame in the person who was abused.

But you have no reason to be ashamed for anything, Wing. Not for anything. On this forum there really are victims, many here are victims, and you are one of them. The victim of an abusive and violent man. You were a fragile, naive, and trusting person who walked into the jaws of a predator. You have nothing to be ashamed of and never anything to apologize for.

Just seek more help, dear. If the first counselor didn't help, find a new one. You need help putting yourself back together after this abusive relationship. It's too hard to do alone. Please do find help where you are. You need it and so very much deserve it.

gfwhoneverknew

WING...Ur name needs another letter on the end..."S". U can find ur other wing and learn to fly again!! U CAN!! U mentioned that why are some of these other addicts spouses still begging for other chances and apologizing...well, men are all different and some don't apologize, addicted or not!! Some wouldn't dream of becoming violent, while others leap to physical hurting of another and I want u to know, U R worth be loved the RIGHT WAY!!! I'm guilty too of going over things in my mind million times...its exhausting but what Ilearned is the one thing that stands out is "I'm a good girl and won't accept ANYTHING short of being treated great! That's what u can say to yourself!

Wing

NeedingAdvice1,
EnglishGarden,
Gfwhoneverknew,

Thanks. Your words mean a lot to me. I feel much better and I'm ready to get help. I had a counselor for drug users' family and spouse. I stopped seeing her since April. I was kind of giving up myself I guess... I was tired of myself not getting better. i look down upon myself. all my friends said they'd just walk away if they were in same situation. And questioned me why i still didnt move on after 3 month. i feel myself dumb and weak. I will call counselor on Monday and get myself together again.

The week before violent breakup, the counselor had arranged a meeting for me with a wife of a heroin addict. She's a very nice woman and a good mother. But towards the end, she stabbed her husband with knife. Perhaps many others also lost their mind, not just me. I remember that my exABF even confronted me that its me who have issue coz I have to see counselor, not him. Since he knew I'd meet the addict's wife, he kept calling me during my counseling session. My phone died. I even worried if he'd be sensitive and stressed about it. I took cab to his work place with his favorite drink and snack right after the counseling session. How hopeless codependent I was...

No matter how much effort i put, he kept saying that I never show him love, never give him credit, said I always hate him. I tried all my best to prove myself. Now I realize its just a strategy.

Gfwhoneverknow,

You are right. Perhaps some men just never apologize. And I think it's better if he doesn't.
He did apologize last year, few months after the first breakup. And I just immediately got sucked back to the crazy train. During the second chance of relationship, he mentioned several times that i should be happy coz he admitted he had been ******* but he apologized and its not easy; not many people would do it.

This times... Perhaps I shouldn't hope for apology. Coz I would most likely totally fall again.

Katiekate

Wing, my xabf was a master at pushing buttoms, to the point where I would become so angry, and frustrated, that I would spit venom toward him, and then I would feel horrible about it, and he would use that against me, in his mind that dismissed all the horribly abusive terrible things he said to me. He would tell me that everything he did and said was simply a reaction to my actions.

He was abusing me, he was trying to make me feel like I was nothing, because if I felt like nothing, it made him feel like something.

I'm so glad you posted, please stay near by, we care about you.

Much love, Katie

gfwhoneverknew

Katiekate, I'm glad he's ur x! I love the yin n yang!! Wing, ur gona do this!! We at s.r. will be ur other wing while u grow one back!!

Boon44

Wing, I second, third, and triple what English Garden said above. I too would've never in a million years imagined having reacted in the ways I did to my AXBF when he was drinking. The manipulation, coercion, and emotional abuse (and in your case physical abuse) are usually all done slowly and over time and its effects on the "other" in the relationship can be debilitating, crazy making, and often honestly push people to the brink of their emotional and psychological limits. And while in time we come to understand that this is part of the disease of alcoholism it does not let the alcoholic off the hook for taking responsibility for how they treat us (should they ever seek amends). Our responsibility is in getting away from the situation and taking good care of ourselves once we are awakened to the pain, hurt, and abuse we were subjected to. Yes, we need to take ultimate responsibility for ourselves to find out why we stayed in a relationship of this kind and anger is a human emotion and it's okay to feel this as well as all other emotions. IMO just be careful to remember your actions, reactions, and feelings IN CONTEXT of the relationship you were in at the time...this can make all the difference in the world when trying to understand your feelings and actions during those moments. Al Anon teaches that boundaries are good and not seeking to be punitive to the alcoholic is part of keeping that healthy boundary, but it is to protect you from further hurt and to put the focus on you not them. I wish you well in your journey...I'm on a similar path and it is painful but necessary if we are going to get healthy.