jstar

Have had small windows of sobriety over this past year & I feel kinda apprehensive...back now at the end of day 2 which I am so thankful for....but I'm afraid with all the relapses even after a 30 day inpatient program last summer. ..that this will just be my life. Had 100+ days then 60 +...then 100 + again since end of July last year. I want to believe I have the ability to do this...I'm just scared. Every story shared & speaker I've heard seems to speak my language. I can understand other alcoholics. I feel like I'm really fighting with myself on every level. Why can some get it right away and I can't. Makes me sad I can't seem to be patient with myself. I just act so impulsive & have to keep starting over!!!

Countless vain attemps to prove we could drink like other people. ..that is me.

The idea that somehow, someday he/she will control and enjoy his/her drinking is the great obsession of EVERY abnormal drinker....yep this is me too.

A speaker I heard a few weeks ago ended her share with : acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. ...I intellectually know this...why can't I get it through my heart.

Sad

fantail

You're not "starting over". You've had 100+ days twice, and 60+ days, and now another two days plus getting through a business dinner. And you're here and you're posting.

I guarantee you've learned a lot during that time! Even if it's just the fact that relapsing makes you sad. Knowing that -- not just intellectually but from experience -- is really valuable. It'll help you, not hurt you, as you continue on.

Dee74

The worst thing any of us can do is judge our future from the perspective of early recovery, Jstar.

This is not your future - this is the transitional phase of leaving your old life behind and starting your new one.

It gets better - we get better....none of us would still be in recovery if that wasn't true.

I know it's easy to beat yourself up - but stop it.

Give it some time, some patience and a little hard work and a month from now you'll marvel at the change in your perspective....3 months from now you'll wonder who the heck wrote your post

D

Rennet

This. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse saying this but streaks aren't the only measure of recovery. Look at the trend. It sounds like you are getting better with the 100+ days twice and the 60+ days. . . probably learning from each mistake.

I'm no expert but if less drinking = better then you are doing better

GracieLou

I think maybe you need to take a second look at you comment for your postings. "God will meet you wherever you are...surrender and he will find you..."

For me it was about surrender. I gave up. I stopped fighting with my alcoholism. It had won. In fact it won many times and was always going to win. Always.

So I surrendered. I waved the white flag. It was not about winning or losing. I decided I was no longer going to play that game.

I moved to a new game. A game that gave me better odds, a better starting place at the gate and a LOT more people on my side of the playing field.

Of course I use the word "game" as an example and not how I feel about my sobriety. But you get the drift.

doggonecarl

I've been almost three years sober. All my attempts weren't successful.

Just the last one.

Stay strong. Keep trying. One of these attempts, maybe this one, the switch will go off and you'll get it. Think positive. Positive thoughts don't guarantee success, but negative thoughts almost always guarantee failure.

ersatzmatriarch

jstar...

you can do this. learn what you can from the relapses, and keep moving forward in your sobriety.

sending you thoughts of peace and strength today...

MythOfSisyphus

You have to believe that you will eventually succeed. Again, you have already succeeded! Look at the supposed failures and lessons. You will kick booze for good.

Nonsensical

As it turns out, I proved I do drink like other people - many of them are here on this forum. The people I drink like are called alcoholics, although I prefer addicted to alcohol.

Acceptance is empowering.

Debe5

I am only on day 4. 60 days, 100 days, you are an inspiration to me. Focus on all you have accomplished, how far you have come. Have a fantastic sober day!!!

Quote: Failure is an event, never a person.

jstar

Talk about feeling sorry for myself!! See it's one moment to the next...my brain is like you're doing great, keep going...the next moment. ..I'm so sad and feel discouraged. These mood swings are crazy!

You are all right though...I need to chin up. I plan on going to a meeting noon. I think I'm fighting acceptance within myself...which is nuts with all the glaring knowledge that I am an alcoholic and every time I drink it puts me in a bad place either physically, emotionally or spiritually. With all the attempts I know I can look back at my old posts and I have grown/changed since my first post back in 2011.

God can help me I know...I need to reach for Him more and not the bottle.

Nonsensical

The part of your brain that contains reason, logic, beliefs, morals and inhibitions seems fully accepting that you are addicted to alcohol.

The part of your brain that is actually addicted doesn't give a rat fart about your reason, logic, beliefs, morals or inhibitions. The addicted part of your brain has none of those thinking processes. It just craves alcohol. It will do whatever it can to override your reason, logic, beliefs, morals and inhibitions - including making you forget how bad things have been, and convincing you there is no problem. It's a liar. If it came to the front door you'd never let it in your home. Now it's stuck in your head. I have one, too.

It must be starved. You can do this.

Best of Luck!

Ptcapote

Hi JStar, sorry you're struggling but you seem to understand what's going on and as others have said, you obviously have it within yourself to do this thing and do it completely and forever. It's OK to feel sorry for yourself---and I am not even sure if that's what you're doing---because, quite frankly, it does SUCK that we can't just be normal and have damn drink once in a while. I spent plenty of time feeling that way and still do more than I should.

I think, however, GracieLou's post is dead-on. "Surrender" was the hardest concept for me to swallow, both before and after entering AA. I understood it intellectually, as in, "Yeah, that's the ticket, I need to surrender!!" but I had no idea, really, what the hell I was talking about. Surrender for me implied weakness and loss of self-control. Even though I said the words that I had surrendered to a HP or acknowledged a lack of control, I didn't really believe it.

Well, I do now. It came hard and it came slow but it came. I have absolutely no control once I pick up that first drink. I simply could not win. No willpower or anything else was going to make a difference---I had to get out of the game and out of my own way. "It" was always going to win. Couldn't keep sticking my toe in the water either...

Once I accepted that, it became easier. There was another very wise post on a thread today that said that the person would no sooner consider waking up in the morning and thinking he could fly than he could take a drink. I thought that made a lot of sense and had to be the way I saw things from now on too. I might as well jump out of the window hoping for the best...cause that's what happens every time I drink.

You'll beat this, you've got the right stuff.

Carlotta

Hi Jstar,

Why don't you use your previous attempts/relapses as an advantage rather than letting them get you down?
Just an idea: sit down with a piece of paper, look back at where you were at, what happened when you pick up and what precipitated it. Did you have a plan, support, was it people places and things?
Once you identify what got you out, then you can make sure you work on it this time so you don't relapse again.
This could be your last attempt at recovery, you don't have to drink and use again. and yes I agree with the others, acceptance and "surrender" is the key. "I am an alcoholic and it is what it is, it is not going to change so I got to live with it and make the best of it."