Loveroflife

Just yesterday I ended a 3.5 year relationship with my BF who is an addict in every sense of the word. I have been thru the ringer over these last years and just felt like I was drowning yesterday. I feel relief but extreme guilt. Why couldnt i help him? Did I make him worse? I really do not have an understanding of addiction at all. Thank God I do not have one addictive bone in my body. Well obviously Im addicted to fixing people which I guess makes me co dependent? This makes it even harder for me to understand his problems. I so wanted to help him. I realize that I can't. We did not part angry. He knew it was time. However, even when seeing him to get some of his belongings he acts like our breakup was for other reasons. Its like he cannot come to terms with the fact that the addiction was the problem. This makes me feel even more guilt. I would love for him to take responsibility for this! I have been his chauffeur, his cook, his maid, his protector, his problem solver, his bail bondsmen....you name it....ultimately his enabler! What a screwed mess addiction is on everyone! Now, he's moved in with his mother, who was an alcoholic and another enabler. He is supposed to be clean, but I know better. I fear he will get in some trouble. I just wonder if I should make his mother aware of what hes doing and fill he in a little more even though he asked me not to? Any advice?

doggonecarl

Honor his request.

He's your ex-boyfriend. It hurts. But move on.

incitingsilence

I have to ask, did you need to be all those things you wrote.
Isn’t he able to take care of himself? Isn’t he able to solve his own problems, able to face the consequences of his own actions and maybe grow and learn from them?

Do you have a thing for bringing chaos into your life? I ask that with you now wanting to put yourself right back into the madness you just walked away from. Should you tell his mother? No. Do you think she is unaware? I highly doubt that. I agree with Carl, honor his request.

Might be time now, to work on yourself. Find out why you need to fix people. And yes codependency is an addiction, those watching can become as sick if not sicker than the addicts in their lives.

Lots of good things to read here, lots of learning to do. Take care of you now, you deserve your time.

DG0409

I've read the three C's here a lot, and they may be helpful to you.

You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. And you can't Cure it.

It is simply the nature of addictions that addicts have to choose to help themselves. Asking why you couldn't help him is like asking why the sun rises in the east... it just is that way. Did you make him worse?? Nope. It's his addiction that makes him worse.

Each of us only get to be truly responsible for ourselves. In the end, you can't help him, because it is HIS problem, not yours. What you CAN help is that you can learn to identify what is your problem and what isn't so that you don't get stuck trying to fix something that you can't fix, again.

Loveroflife

I really appreciate all of you honest feedback. Deep down inside i know the answers in retrospect. When I was caught up in the daily grind of this mess it was like time was passing by so fast I didnt know what was hitting me. Something new everyday....drama drama and more drama. As dysfunctional as I might sound.....this was all new to me and incredibly frustrating. However, I did think I could somehow help him. He has a troubled family history on top of his serious addiction so I felt so sorry for him. After a time I realized there was no helping him. I just needed to rescue myself. I have no intentions or desire to so back. Im dealing with the guilt that I feel. Not sure why I feel this way? Im doing fine and already feel a sense of peace in my life. I will assess why I stayed in a relationship so long that didnt benefit me at all. That might take some therapy and soul searching. But I will get thru this just fine.

Loveroflife

Well its been 3 weeks since I ended the relationship and he moved out. I still feel a sense of sadness and depression some days. We have talked. He says hes clean but thats what he always says. He hasnt done anything to get clean other then go to a counselor once a week for an hour. I have not completely closed the door...he's still on my FB and we talk either by text, phone or email even though we have not seen each other. I feel like I miss him but something keeps telling me RUN like hell, so Im trying to listen to that voice. When I feel weak I check back to this site and read the damage being in love with a drug addict has caused other people to remind myself of how things were. I know the best thing for both of us would be to completely close the door by having no contact or knowledge of what the other person is doing but that part is difficult. One day at a time.