LoveMeNow

I have been at a total loss for words but not at a loss for tears.

Things had been going very well for while, better then in a long time. Then like a light switch, things changed and changed rapidly. I saw it coming, I could feel it, and of course, I still tried to stop or control it. But I had become the enemy and was in the line of fire. My words meant nothing, the demon was in charge and had become very powerful....before he even took anything. It was surreal to see him clean and behaving, talking and thinking like he wasn't. (Yes, he was clean.)

So finally, I just said "just leave and go do what you have to do. I am not the enemy and I will not be disrespected by you one more day." So he packed up and left.

I, of course, called my family and friends for support, declaring I AM DONE. They all agreed it was for the best. After a week of texts, I caved and allowed him back here for some very practical reasons.

I have to pack up my home, sell what I don't want or need and be prepared for the bank to put a sale date on it within a month. Yes, I lost my waterfront home because of his addiction. I lost my great credit and had to file bankruptcy. Most importantly, I had lost me and obviously still struggle with self love and self respect.

My family and friends are disappointed and/or mad at me. I have become the "little girl who cried wolf" too many times. My support group becomes smaller and smaller each time. I honestly understand their frustration but it also isolates me more and more too.

I haven't decided if I will be moving with him yet. I am so torn. One part of me wants to run and never look back and the other part of me makes excuses. "Well he stumbled, he is still trying, it's part of recovery, blah, blah, blah."

I am trying to find a new career. I want to be a flight attendant and relocate with a job." I continue to pray God opens doors for me because I really have no idea where to go at this point.

I am so mad at myself that I allowed my denial and fear to bring me to this point. How did I not see it? Why didn't I stop the financial destruction? Heck, I even contributed to it. Giving or allowing him our money to keep his business afloat. Well over $200,000 to an active addict because I refused to see what was in front of me. I refused to accept the truth. My denial ran deep and I would never, ever had predicted that this would become my life or even his.

Well, he is 7 days clean. Woo hoo, said with sarcasm. Well addiction?? You won!! I am officially defeated. You came, you took and you destroyed, just like you promise!

Wing

I'm sorry for what happened to u... I feel related when u mentioned about 'the little girl who cried wolf' ... I feel ashamed and I just wanna isolate myself now... My brain is telling me to forget and move on.., I just can't do and feel torn apart

Vale

You will never be defeated, my friend.

Never.

terryr97

I know exactly how you feel. I, too, feel torn and defeated and my support system is gone because theyre tired of watching my destruction. My Happy, Joyous and Free has turned into anger, rage and despair. Im addicted to my addict. I finally started going to Alanon hoping thatll help, because, as much as my aexb wants our old life back, he wants drugs more and hes a self centered jerk when hes on them. Im sorry youre going through this.

laurie6781

NO absolutely not part of recovery, this is PART OF ADDICTION!

Only you will know when you have had ENOUGH. I suspect you are getting close. Since the house is going up for sale, maybe he should find a place where he can live and have his office and you find a place for YOU. A place where you can truly find some peace and serenity.

Does not have to be forever, just a separation, but would certainly then give both of you a better chance of each of you WORKING YOUR OWN PROGRAM.

Why not give it a try? Can't be any worse than what you have been living in, and will probably be a lot better!!!!

Love and hugs,

Ann

Your real friends and true family are disappointed for you, not with you. They too are sad to see you lose your dreams. Those who judge you have issues bigger than yours and are to be pitied for their lack of compassion.

Very few here were able to just let go and walk away from the active addict, whether the addict was their partner or their child. If we could, we wouldn't be here at all. Most, like me, struggled for years and had to learn the lesson so many times it almost buried us. You didn't cry wolf, you cried for help and we hear you here.

Bankruptcy is very hard to declare but it brings the gift of relief and a chance to start again. It gives you a chance to rebuild your credit in a few years and to rebuild your life without the burden of debt. There is no shame in bankruptcy, most times it is a wise decision that brings a second chance. As an accountant I have seen clients, over the years, who say this was the best decision they ever made and today they live wiser and well. Years ago, Mr. Ann and I also declared bankruptcy. We didn't spend foolishly, we made the mistake of co-signing for one of our incorporated businesses and when the business went down, so did we. We survived, we learned and we rebuilt a life even better than it was before...and today we remain debt free and like it that way, although we regained our credit a long time ago.

My point is, life happens. It is a tapestry of threads that each form one small scene that is part of a lovely big picture that is ever changing.

These obstacles you face are not boulders in your path but stepping stones to a new and better future, whether you choose to stay or go.

Life is all yours, LMN, embrace it and find some joy in each day. I promise the days ahead will take care of themselves and all you have to do is live today.

Hugs and Hugs, because I know this is hard for you.

Wing

God... If there's a rehab for us who are addicted to the addicts, I'll definitely go...

cynical one

LMN,

This sucks.

I would get some legal advice and find out what if any safety nets can you put in place to protect your finances from this point forward so he doesn't wipe you out again and again.

cynical one

If you do a Google search on "codependency rehab" you will find that there are now quite a few inpatient codependency rehabs. However, most insurance companies and the DSM do not view codependency as a disease (yet), at this point it is still a "personality disorder" so rehab probably will not qualify for coverage.

(Disclaimer: The DSM-5 was just released within the past 3 weeks, the above is based on the DSM-4. I haven't had a chance to see the new edition yet)

Kindeyes

LMN
There is no defeat here. There is no shame.

I have also been where you are. And it doesn't feel good. I lost my house to foreclosure shortly after divorcing my AXH. I simply couldn't sustain on my income. I thought it was the end of life as I knew it. But it wasn't. Thinking about that time in my life is still painful but I can look back now and see that it wasn't an ending but a new beginning.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is hard. But you are stronger than you may feel right now and you will survive. We are here to walk with you and give you gentle hugs when you need them. And words of support and understanding when you can't find them for yourself.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

incitingsilence

You aren‘t alone. You aren’t wrong or right … hell you just made the choices you felt best for you in the moments. No one can be pissed at you for that. Do they even have a right to be?

It does suck, and sure as hell isn’t easy and then we go and complicate it. The path was of your choosing, learn from it, be ok with it and move on from it … how you need to for you.

The addiction only wins if you allow it to. That will be a choice you make as well. You can rise above this, because really is there any other way? And remember, still nothing will be about him.

Find what you want and need from this life … And know whatever it is, with some patience, perseverance and some faith in yourself. You can achieve anything.

Sending a hug!

Hang in there.

irisgardens

I feel for you...and know your experience...it has all happened to me as well.

It doesn't have to end there though...we can take care of ourselves.

My hubby and I went through bankruptcy and loss of home over the past 3 years...moved to chile...his country of origin...not what he remembered...and right now, I am in Santiago, Chile...waiting to get onto a plane to go to finish up an interview (in accounting) in the states.

My HP, who I call God, is working. Not thinking...just taking one step at a time.

You can too...and I almost went down with the pain of looking back...the past is over. There is only today and the future.

Hang in there...

tjp613

LMN, I've been away from the board for a few weeks and popped in today just to see what's happenin'. I'm so sorry to hear you struggling and in pain. You know we know how you are feeling. It hurts to hear you feeling a sense of shame and defeat but good night, we've all been there a hundred times.

I second what Laurie suggests. Maybe some time and distance is what you need to gain clarity. It's pretty difficult when you're right there in the midst of it. Remember how you felt when you went to visit your dad and your neice (?) .... you were so .... content. And as I recall, they offered you a place for as long as you needed. Is something like that an option for you?

(((hugs))) Sweetie.

laurie6781

Betty Ford Rehab in Palm Springs, CA has quite a program for co-dependents and always have some spaces available for those with no insurance and very little funds due to the A in their life having used up all funds, etc

Love and hugs,


PS: LMN we are always here for you, and you know we do not throw folks to the wolves. Many times are friends just cannot understand, to them it seems so simple, to those friends of mine that have been that way, I suggest to them to "walk a mile in my shoes" and then we'll discuss it, and then I distance myself from them.

EnglishGarden

You need very much to change your perspective on yourself in this, LMN. Because we have been reading for a long time how hard you have been working to become aware of what you are dealing with--addiction and codependency--and how much effort you have put into your own growth and self-improvement. It just is not true that you have messed up, it isn't true. You have been actively working a recovery program and you have repeatedly tried to deal with each new crisis as it came, trying to have faith in the promises of recovery for you both, and trying to be as gut honest with your husband as you could be. You have been WORKING....HARD.....very hard. Hold your head up, do not let your own self-persecution or the frustrations of anyone around you take that away from you.

Cunning, baffling, powerful. Those of us who have been with drugs addicts and alcoholics and with horror watched them slip away from us, even in spite of therapy, even in spite of meetings, we know what you feel. And we know THIS IS NOT YOUR FAILURE.

When a problem seems overwhelming, the age-old advice is to break it down into manageable pieces. And this is so helpful to someone whose life is unraveling because of an addict in the family.

My suggestion is first to remove yourself from living with your husband.

Then I suggest that you enter a year-long program of codependency recovery. This does not necessarily include a formal treatment center, though if you had that chance, I'd take it. But you really need to make your life for a solid year about multiple weekly meetings, therapy, and spiritual retreat as if it is your JOB. And it has to be about YOU. Not the relationship.

Break down the financial matters one at a time, deal with them, move on. You are going to be all right.

And I would not make any permanent, binding commitments to anyone or anything or any direction until I had my head together. In my experience, I needed a couple years to get there after a major collapse of the life I'd known. I have seen people go way off the right path because they did not fully appreciate how necessary time was to their regeneration. They just started making stupid mistakes all over again, crashed again, then finally had to get serious, dead serious, about getting well OVER TIME.

If you have family and friends there where you live, you may want to think twice about leaving the area. Such people can be anchors for us, even as they shake their head in wonder that we are so mixed up and delusional. So....don't take your marriage problems with an addict to anyone who is not in recovery. Enjoy your friends and your family, and keep your marriage problems separate.

This is not the end. This is not going to swallow you up. It is a swift kick from your Higher Power to get you someplace other than where you are. Trust this. I can tell you, my disasters were just what I needed. This may be one of the most necessary and most beneficial crossroads you have ever faced. You need to face it alone, LMN. You can. Then later, much later, you can decide for sure what you want with your husband.

crazybabie

LMN, I agree with everything that has been said by the others I really have nothing to add except for I am here anytime you may wanna talk I have watched you change so much and you will be OK. I will be sending extra prayers your way.

interrupted

This. Once you are whole on your own - healthy in your autonomy - the answers will become obvious, whatever they are. You can do this, one tiny piece of one day at a time, you will get through this. Once you know through longer-term experience that you can thrive on your own, the decision you make about life with your husband will be made without the influence of fear, uncertainty, or guilt.

We're always here, Lovebear.

GardenMama

This is such a rough read, LMN, and my heart goes out to you. I lost my lovely rural home some years ago, had to file bankruptcy, etc., all due to the dysfunction of a long-term marriage that should have ended years before...if I had only been more self-aware, self-loving, and in recovery for co-dependence. I have moved through it and much more since then, and though I still carry some resentments and anger, those feelings are retreating the more I work on myself.

You have been working your program with tenacity and honesty. I have read your posts this past year, and I have no doubt you will come through this even stronger and definitely happier. Big hugs and prayers your way!

Sara21

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have read your posts in the past and know how hard you've been working for things to get better. They WILL get better, even though it may not seem like it.

If anyone knows what you're going through, it's us. We are all here for you and we will continue to pray for you. DON'T GIVE UP. Do not allow the drugs to take more from you then they already have.

You are stronger than the drugs and stronger than the addiction. It's the nature of this beast to knock us down and kick us while we're down, but it's up to us to get back up and fight. We are here to help you. Fight for your health, your peace, and your overall well-being. You deserve it.

Hugs

EverHopeful721

LMN, I can't say it any better than all of the previous posters have said it. But as someone who (whom?) has been helped by your kind words since I've been here, I just wanted to send (((HUGS))) your way and reiterate what everyone else has said - we all care about you, we are all here for you and you WILL get through this, no matter what the outcome is, and you will come out the other side stronger, healthier and happier.