heyblu

Hi everyone, I am new to this site so this will be my first post. My husband is currently in rehab and has 12 days to go. He was very angry with me at first, even though it was initially him that decided to enter an inpatient treatment program. Then he sounded like he accepted finishing the program much to my relief. I even talked to his counselor on the phone and she said he is active and doing well. So today I received a letter from him that says he can't believe I don't want him to come home and that he has not seen his daughter in 24 days and it is not fair. He asked several times to come home especially in the beginning and I let him know that he would need to finish the program. I think the reason I received this letter is because I had to work on the one day a week he gets visits and he is hurt which I understand, but I have taken on more hours so he can continue his recovery when he comes home (he was the bread winner before he left). I feel like I am letting him down by not being able to visit but I wish he would understand I am trying to be responsible and cannot just call off work. Now this coming weekend I have to take my older child to his dad's house 6 hours away due to a custody agreement, so will not be able to visit and this is the only day I can take her. This was worked out months ago so I must be compliant. My question- should I have called off work last weekend, even though there was a chance I could be fired (I also needed the hours to pay bills). Has anyone else been in this situation? I love him but sometimes I just want to say to him "life still goes on when you are in there" whether you like it or not!!! I feel like he is going to try and use this against me to try and come home early, or that he is going to harbor big time resentment when he comes home...should I be putting life on hold to go and visit him? Am I not showing enough support? I write him 3-4 times per week, send him pics and call to talk to his counselor but is this not enough???

Vale

heyblu,
We're glad you decided to post. There is a lot of good info & great people on this site---
and more than a few who have had your exact circumstances (or close to it).
I hope you find their input to be as helpful as I have.

Kindeyes

Welcome.....

There's a term used when an addict pitches little fits about not getting his way.....it's called "King Baby". If King Baby doesn't get what he wants, he throws a fit. He tries to make others feel guilty. He becomes sulky. King Baby will make the lives of others miserable so that he can get his way. King Baby wants what he wants when he wants it. It's King Baby's way or the highway.

Honestly, I think you know the answer to that question. You're looking for validation. So I'll state the obvious. No.....it is not reasonable to call off work so that you can visit him when you need the money to pay bills and you could get fired.

Again....I think you know the answer to that question too.

After watching my son go through rehab five times, there was a definite difference between the last time and the four previous times. He continued King Baby tactics those first four times and afterward. This last time he showed extreme consideration for my time and efforts to support him. He was extremely humble. He continues to be humble, kind and considerate. King Baby has left the building.

The behavior your husband is exhibiting is very similar to my son's the first four times he went through rehab. Do I think those first four times were a waste of time and money? No. I know he was shown tools.....but it was up to him to use them.

The best suggestion I have for anyone dealing with someone in rehab is to keep living your life. Stay calm in the midst of King Baby tantrums. And don't let him manipulate you. Life does not revolve around the addict......except when we let it.

gentle hugs
ke

allforcnm

Heyblu,

Some of this sounds familiar. Just over a year ago my husband was in rehab (first ever & out of state). At that time our son was 6 months old. Back and forth we went earning sky miles on weekends. Then on Monday I would be back at work. I also sent pictures, wrote letters, took him things, and was able to talk to him also. But... He still didn't always recognize it was hard on me, and was still disappointed if I missed something. I got frustrated sometimes. In fact I think I posted here one time in those early days, coming home with my son, it was late, we were both tired, putting his clothes in the washer and it was making a weird noise. I actually sat on the floor and cried.

Life does go on when they are in treatment. We have jobs, kids, bills to pay, pets need attention, homes to take care of, washers that go clank.

But at the same time, rehab can be a lonely, scary place and the comforts and familiarity of home sometimes mean a lot. Rehab isn't prison. Our loved ones are just sick and getting the help they need. It's a brave thing to do. Kind of like someone who is in the hospital for weeks; time and space takes on a different meaning when your confined and sort of isolated from the world.

I know my husband loved seeing his son, and he felt like he grew in-between visits (which he did at that age); so keeping these things in mind helped give me perspective.

What you did was correct ! You are seeing the big picture, being responsible for yourself, the kids, the family. He's not quite capable of seeing that right now IMO. But, hopefully in time he will appreciate all your doing.

My husband realized after he came home just how much effort all of that was on my part. But if he hadn't it would have been ok because I was just doing what I felt was right. That's all we can do. Stay true to you & whatever happens in the end you can look back and be proud of yourself. Don't let him take you off that track.

BTW, I think he is lucky to have your support. Your doing great!

heyblu

Thank you for the posts, I just need to hear some truth and words of encouragement. In my heart I know I am doing the right thing by being responsible and keeping things going here but I do realize, like you said allforcmn that rehab is a lonely, scary place for him. I know he feels disconnected and misses his child, I just hope he realizes that I am here for support, even if I am not physically. He keeps saying he thinks he is going to be stuck there, part of it is him getting a clear picture of what he has put our family through with his using; I think he is afraid I want a separation because of how bad it got. But I keep telling him that if he is taking the steps he needs to in order to get better why would I leave him now, I have already been through h### numerous times. So I will continue with my words of encouragement and this is all I can do for now. And kindeyes I hope he uses the tools he is being given when he comes home, like your son. I worry these actions a red flag he will relapse immediately when he gets home but I guess I will not know and I don't want to be the "wait for the other shoe to drop person" that I have been lately. I will stay strong, not be manipulated so he can come home early and just pray that he is going to be ready to deal with being at home and continuing his recovery. Thank you.

BeavsDad

Along with your prayers, will you set some firm boundaries that you are prepared to enforce?

What happens if he relapses? It is possible.

Mountainmanbob

My question- should I have called off work last weekend, even though there was a chance I could be fired



no -- to get fired right now would only add to a long list of problems

gfwhoneverknew

Hi heyblu! I would def. Say hands down u did the right thing w not calling offf work!! U said u are the sole worker right now so u can't jeopardize that in any way!! U writing him that much is awesome and u can't control ur work schedule...to b honest...my adbf is in jail for his addiction for little more time and Ihad received one letter where he was upset etc....plz know they're away from us, their family and when they write to express themselves they can feel alone but not mean half of what they wrote! Perhaps he will realize this and send u another letter addressing what he said and stop feeling the victim cuz its his addiction that's the perpetrator and u and ur family the victims until he can stay clean! Good luck!! Hope it works out!

AnvilheadII

life still goes on when you are in there" whether you like it or not!!!

indeed it does. a "good" sign of recovery taking hold in him would be if he expressed gratitude and remorse, instead of stamping his feet and claiming it's not fair.

you have children that NEED you each and every day, and you are now forced into the position of doing it all. you say you've been thru this before...so this isn't a case where he accidently got addicted and is seeking help.....

take care of YOU, and the kids. he is in the best place possible to get clean and sober and learn how to live that way. he's a big boy, hopefully he packed his big boy pants when he went off to treatment.

be well.

heyblu

Yes beavsdad I am ready to set firm boundaries, which is something I am not good at but HAS to be done. In the past due to the pressures of school (I am a student) and kids I chose to allow and even ignore the problem, hoping he would get better. I realize now that not setting boundaries and dealing with the issues enabled him to keep using and manipulating. So, I have boundaries that include him staying on his bipolar meds, cutting off all contact with a friend (he was using with the friend's sister, going to be a challenge since they live down the street but...) and attending meetings daily. As far as him relapsing I know this is a possibility so I have to be prepared. Due to me having children in the house if he relapses he will have to leave the home and try again. This may sound harsh but I do not want to find him one day after OD'ing and god forbid my children would...I realize I need to stay strong and stick to my boundaries, again something I am not good at, but I cannot allow the insanity that using brings to bring our whole family down.

BeavsDad

You certainly have some rules in place, like he's a 12 year old.

This will make you the warden and create stress and resentment on both sides.

A couple good boundaries would be:
"I will not allow drugs or active addicts in my home or near my children."
"I will not be disrespected"

Then you educate yourself on addiction/enabling/codependency/early recovery issues/standard addict behavior etc...

Any boundary or rule is useless unless there is a consequence that will be followed through.

allforcnm

Part of rehab is for them to become aware of all that happened in the past. I mean now that the drugs are out of their systems, and the brain is starting to recover; things look and feel different. Dealing with the past, the mistakes, pain, shame, regret was VERY hard for my husband. I felt what you are feeling I think; I just tried to let him know that as long as he was in treatment and working to get well, then we would deal with the past, and point ourselves toward the future. I wasn’t going anywhere because I was where I wanted to be.

When they say they want to leave rehab it is scary. My husband was in a 3 month rehab, and during the first month there were several times he talked about wanting to leave (all for various reasons that were mostly illogical to me). I even talked to his doctor about it at one point and was told it was common. Then later on, maybe midway through he decided maybe he didn’t need the full time there. Again, he stayed. I just reaffirmed he made a commitment to treatment and he needed to see it through, he was doing this for his health, for his future, and for his family. And I just held firm that he needed to get all he could out of the program. Things that might not seem so important might actually be the words or the lessons that he would draw from after he came home and needed strength and encouragement. We had an agreement also, that he would have to get more treatment if he relapsed. So it only made sense to work really hard while he was there, and hopefully avoid another round.

I think it’s a good sign that your husband’s counselors are saying he is engaging in treatment. I also think its good that you are thinking about boundaries, and basically a relapse plan. My husbands rehab had us work on the plan together before he came home. It was basically things like you have mentioned – no more drug people in his life was one. For my husband his only drug associates were at the office where he works. So he actually requested a transfer to a different project at work so he would no longer be around those people. Obviously its not something that I could monitor, but it is something he had to commit to, and understand why it was necessary. My husband also agreed to continue ongoing treatment with a therapist when he came home, and there were rules put in place regarding care of our infant son – these were gradually removed as time went on and I was confident he had a good hold on recovery. So, as a family there were rules/boundaries we worked on together, and then there were personal boundaries we each set. Helped me to think of boundaries not as something negative or mean. They were really to help things run smoothly and create clear and healthy guidelines for both of us while in this time of transition.

heyblu

allforcmn, thank you so much for your reply. It helps to know others have gone through similar experiences. Even though you know you are not the only one, reading the words of others is so helpful. I did talk to his counselor again and he said that he talks about missing his family but is really focusing on his treatment. So this is a good sign. I do go next week to the facility for family counseling so we will be talking about setting boundaries. Beavsdad, I understand what you are saying, thank you for pointing out that I am making rules and not setting any boundaries. It may seem like common sense but I honestly never thought of it like this so will be careful not to treat him like a child that will be grounded if he does not follow the rules because this will not work anyway:. Thanks again everyone for the responses, it is really helping me since I seem to always second guess things when it comes to this issue.

gfwhoneverknew

Heyblue....I wish u the best at the facility when u go!

heyblu

Thank you gfwhoneverknew!