WTH is wrong with some people?!?!

Old 06-18-2013, 03:32 PM
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WTH is wrong with some people?!?!

Ok, I have a situation going on here that I can't figure out for the life of me. Any of you that have read my story know that my (R)/ AB's sister (was) one of my friends. We were friends several years prior to me dating her brother.
During the course of he and I's relationship she was very much aware of her brothers heavy drinking. I vented to her many times. She saw, with her own eyes, many drunken episodes with him. She did not however, ever witness any of the really really bad episodes that happened behind closed doors. She did not see or hear any of the awful things that happened. She knew only what I had told her about those times or, anything that her brother may have told her about those especially tragic times.
Honestly, I never really trusted her 100%. Before dating her brother, I knew better than to tell her anything really personal or anything I didn't want others to know because she has a bit of a reputation for gossiping. Once I started dating him though, she and I became much closer. She often came to our house and visited.
Many times I would talk to her about my concern for him. She herself was angry with him several times for not showing up to work from being hungover. (She was his basically his boss) She would always say things to me like, "that just doesn't sound like my brother, its just the alcohol talking." She also saw him not be very short tempered with my youngest daughter and said that bothered her.
When I decided to give him the ultimatum, she was on board. She helped me set things up. She seemed quite supportive. Once he was gone however, things started to change...She chewed me out for telling someone what had happened. She was the one that got to go visit and go to counseling with him. Every time she came back from a day with him she would immediately come over and tell me how great he was and how wonderful he was. She told me of a counseling session that apparently didn't end well because I was brought up. She told me to just let him be and not interfere with this. I was so upset. She made me feel even worse. I'm not positive but, I believe there was some lies and deceit all mixed in there.
Okay so, now she comes over all the time and bothers me. Talking about her brother and such. Never asking if doing okay. If I need anything. Ignoring the fact that my kids are sad and upset. She literally acts as if nothing happened. Twice now she has showed up drunk and even joking about having to take her to rehab. One of the nights she showed up drunk she was telling me how she just didn't wanna go home. That she thought the "spark" between her and her husband was gone and that she was seeking any male attention she could find. I was just floored that she was telling me this. She mentioned that she had talked about it to her brother!?! wtf! really? its constant and Im completely confused with her behavior. Just today she sent me a text asking about getting an appointment, (I am a cosmetologist). She wanted her eyebrows waxed and proceeded to say she would have a few drinks before she came so it didn't hurt so bad!!!
Can anyone lend me any insight to this behavior? Is she just checking up on me and relaying stuff to him? Why does drinking seem to be a big joke to her? I would never do that to anyone I called my friend that was in my situation, EVER! What exactly are her motives? This is not a joke to me! This pretending that I was never in a relationship with her brother is mind blowing. Its as if she thinks he is cured now because he agreed to go to treatment. That what we went through and are currently going through is no big deal.
Any thoughts? I could sure use a little insight on this! Thanks!
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Old 06-18-2013, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Ltlys View Post
Can anyone lend me any insight to this behavior? Is she just checking up on me and relaying stuff to him? Why does drinking seem to be a big joke to her? I would never do that to anyone I called my friend that was in my situation, EVER! What exactly are her motives? This is not a joke to me! This pretending that I was never in a relationship with her brother is mind blowing. Its as if she thinks he is cured now because he agreed to go to treatment. That what we went through and are currently going through is no big deal. Any thoughts? I could sure use a little insight on this! Thanks!
Here's my insight and humble opinion - your train has stopped at dysfunction junction. Find a new destination.

Hon, it doesn't matter why - what matters is it is happening and you don't like it. You have a choice. Either accept she is this way and is untrustworthy, or refuse to engage with her anymore.

You don't have to put up with this in your life, ya know.
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Old 06-18-2013, 05:12 PM
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She sounds really jealous and controlling.

Are you still seeing or speaking to her brother?

Think your best off distancing yourself from her as she sounds like a bit of a trouble maker to me.
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Old 06-18-2013, 05:39 PM
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No, I have had no contact with him since he moved out of my house. I respect the decision he has made to move. I know that him moving back in and trying to stay sober was probably not the best situation for either of us. It is however, quite heartbreaking and been very tough for me and my children. Im trying to detach and let us both figure some things out.

You said you thought his sister may be jealous. I guess I dont undertand how she could be jealous. She still gets to see him and talk to him everyday. She got to be the one to go see him while he was in treatment. She hasn't had to deal with her and her children left to pic up the pieces of a broken relationship. If anything I feel like I am a bit Jealous of her! Could you maybe expand on that a bit? I have actually heard another person say that same thing but, I guess I dont get it.

As far as controlling goes... Yes she is quite that. She feels the need to manipulate and controll everything in her life. I am like that to an extent, because I am co-dependent! I would just not ever behave like she has through this. Yes this is her brother, and I know she thinks she can fix him. However, the dynamic of a brother/sister relationship is so different from he and I's relationship as BF/GF.

IDK... Its like Tuffgirl said... Dysfuction Junction! The two of them are born of the same parents and have some very deep seeded issues. Its just so confusing and hard to deal with her antics while I am trying to grieve my loss.
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Old 06-18-2013, 06:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Ltlys View Post
You said you thought his sister may be jealous. I guess I dont undertand how she could be jealous. She still gets to see him and talk to him everyday. She got to be the one to go see him while he was in treatment. She hasn't had to deal with her and her children left to pic up the pieces of a broken relationship. If anything I feel like I am a bit Jealous of her! Could you maybe expand on that a bit? I have actually heard another person say that same thing but, I guess I dont get it.
From your perception, this is what it looks like. Maybe from hers, she is stuck with him, and stuck with her parents, and you get to get away from it all. She's in it for life.

Have you thought of simply asking her if something is bothering her?
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Old 06-18-2013, 08:24 PM
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Wow! Thanks so much for lending another pair of eyes to see with! It never once occurred to me that she is, in fact, stuck for life with these people.

She is unhappy with her life currently. Things are not good with her husband, and one of her children, for sure, is suffering from mental illness. Another one has some behavioral disorder. Obviously, mental illness runs in the family. She cannot escape that either. She has tried to save her brother once and failed and now her second attempt didn't work out so well either. There is a lot of guilt and shame there for her.

I am very glad u brought this to my attention. I'm still confused why she seems so insensitive and flighty. Why all the jokes about being an alcoholic and coming over drunk herself? A coping mechanism maybe? A cry for help? I wish I understood!

Ahhh to be all knowing! Wouldn't that be helpful!?!?!...I guess I will leave it up to my Higher Power! Thanks again for the wise words! I appreciate it!
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Old 06-19-2013, 02:28 PM
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I just got the feeling she might be jealous because of the way she seems to be making sure that you are fully aware that he is doing oh so we'll since you both split up. Almost like a passive aggressive way of making sure you don't try and get back with him. I get the feeling she is quite loud? When you started seeing her brother do you think she may have felt like you took some of the limelight off her? I wonder if she doesn't like the idea of her brother getting close to another woman because its HER brother and she wants the number one woman spot in his life. All sounds so Freudian doesn't it?! Either way she sounds like a right cow!
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Old 06-19-2013, 02:55 PM
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Or maybe she is an alcoholic (or on her way to being one), herself.

Really, this does not sound like anyone I would care to have in my life. It's perfectly OK for you to tell her that because of everything that has happened (and you don't have to spell out every detail), that you think it's best if the two of you go your separate ways.
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Old 06-19-2013, 03:53 PM
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KKE,

When another person mentioned that they thought his sister was jealous of me that was exactly what they thought! And YES, she is oh, so very loud! Completely opposite of her brother. I have always thought that some of the things she did and said pertaining to him were strange. I think she most definitely had some issues with another women being in his life. She essentially was his mother for a long time. She became the caretaker and rescuer because their mother was not capable. She always bought him expensive gifts, making sure he knew how much she loved him. She often times told me how good looking she thought he was and how I was sooooo lucky to have him. She would also say things like, Oh your nothing but a spoiled rotten B!@#$ whenever he would buy something or do something nice for me. It was all just a bit strange and I can see that clearer now too.

LexieCat

I think you have a very good perception of these things! I already know that she has a shopping addiction, a food addiction, possibly a sex addiction and some Co-dependent addictions. Im not positive of the sex addiction thing because I don't know much about that but, she is loud, forward and very crude when it comes to sex! Anyhow, I think there is a strong possibility she could be on her way to alcoholism too. This whole situation is just more baffling by the day. Even though I know Im probably much better off without either of these two peoples issues, I still miss my guy so much. I still want to hope that everything could work out someday but, Im not sure it will ever happen.
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Old 06-19-2013, 04:12 PM
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I can't stand my A's sister either. And I know the feeling is mutual! I'm just grateful she doesn't turn up at my house drunk! We ignore each other, haven't spoken for over a year and a half.

One thing I do always think is my A partner must've told her quite a few lies about me to cover up his problems. I know he used to make out to her that the reason he turned to drink was because of me and made out I was the hideous monster. She was so thick that she bought it all but he didn't help the situation. Don't get me wrong i still don't like her and can see how she tried to be manipulative and clever but I can see the part my A has played in our relationship. Do you think your ex may have told her a few lies to cover up what he does. So he still remains the sweet innocent little brother?
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Old 06-19-2013, 04:30 PM
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Im not sure if he ever told her much before he went to treatment. I made the mistake of admitting my Co-Dependency issues to her. I felt it was only right to admit my shortcomings and not solely blame him for our struggles. Just so happens that the next day after making this known, he called and asked her to bring him some things. She was also very angry and upset with me because I had told another friend of mine what was going on and she was livid. She even called while she was on her way to take him his stuff and reamed my A$$. As soon as I hung up the phone I knew whatever she said to him when she got there was not gonna be good. I almost threw up right then and there.

I firmly believe she was lying and manipulating him the entire time he was in treatment. I dont know this for a fact but, I believe she told him that very first day to get the hell away from me. Upon telling my counselor and a few others close to me, they all said the very same thing... U should probably just assume thats what she is up to. That stung so bad. I still can't believe a word she says about him. Yet another thing I cant control!

Man this SUX! I only wish those lies and deception can be revealed one day.
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Old 06-19-2013, 04:37 PM
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So do you think you'd be able to distance yourself from her?

More for your ex for allowing himself to be manipulated by her and buying in to everything she says.

Maybe you're better off without either of them destroying your peace?
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:54 PM
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I just read read this:

"When things in your life are falling apart, maybe they are really falling into place."

I have been thinking about this entire situation goin on recently. The break-up between me and my boyfriend. The way my relationship with his sister has changed. The "Fire" of manipulation, deceit, mistrust, hurt feelings, anger, dysfunction, shame, and guilt all being fuel by Alcohol have "burned up" my relationships with both of these people. The two of them have a warped relationship with each other.

I guess this is where the quote above comes into play. My life seems to be falling apart. After a lot of praying and searching for answers I think Its obvious, my life might just be falling into place. I think bigger plans are in store for me than dealing with this drama for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I played a part in all of this too. I am not pointing the finger. However, I have had this gut feeling that something very bad is going to happen with one or the other of them very soon. My feeling is stronger that it will be something to do with his sister. He will be directly or indirectly involved though. I just think that all of this had to happen in order for the "Powers that be" to get me and my children out of, what could be, a very bad situation.

I have major trust issues, especially trusting that something greater than me know whats best. I want proof... Maybe things are starting to happen to give me proof! Maybe!
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Old 06-19-2013, 10:24 PM
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Things don't always reveal themselves straight away I guess. In the meantime, maybe trust yourself and your own instincts?
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Old 06-20-2013, 04:23 AM
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I think you may be right. I can tell you that there are several things in my life that FELT like "disasters," which, a few years later, with hindsight, turned out to be events without which something really good would never have happened.

Small example: I was taken out of a work assignment (which came with a title) and "temporarily" moved to something different. I didn't want to do it, but I was the "good soldier" and was assured that it was temporary, that my good attitude would be taken into consideration when other opportunities in the office came up. Instead, during a major reorganization, numerous people with WAY less seniority were promoted into the title I no longer had, and I was moved into an assignment I hated even more. I was VERY upset, complained (which I never did in most of my career), but the fact was, the people making the decisions didn't like me.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I decide to retire, and I wind up with what I consider to be a dream job, based in no small part on the recent experience I had in the assignment I was so upset about. IOW, the whole thing worked to my benefit, even though the people making the decisions in my former office could not have cared less about how I was treated there.

Obviously the ultimate good does not always appear so clearly. BUT I have found that if I keep my focus and trust that things will work out the way they should, I have much more peace in my life than if I nurture hurts and resentments.
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