he left me and 3 kids and has cut me out of his life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: united kingdom
Posts: 20
he left me and 3 kids and has cut me out of his life
hi all, i am in pieces. I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 3 children. Over the years his drinking has excessively increased. He was married before and his wife left him for the same reasons. Anyhow, 3 weeks ago i found messages on his phone from another woman who he alledges was a 1 night stand along with text messages, phone cals. Messages read how they loved making love to each other and i am devastated. for 2 days my husband looked devastated as he has never cheated before, he stated he was drunk and it should not have happened. 2 days later i can home from work to find that he had left. He has now managed to get a flat and he ignores all my phone calls/text messages stating that he needs time and space. I know the other woman is no longer part of the picture for sure! My husband looks at me as though i am the one that cheated. He calls me names, turns up drunk whilst driving giving me abuse, telling me its the chaotic busy house full of children that made him leave (the oldest is his step son) who has ADHD and he blames him as to the reason he will not come home. In 3 weeks i fly out of the country with my children on my own and have had to cancel his flight tickets. I fly out for a month.
I am truely devastated, i have tried for years to change his drinking and it just keeps getting worse and worse. He treats me as the enemy and he has cut me out of his life. I have done nothing wrong. I phone, begging pleading asking him to come home, get help for his alcohol addiction and state i will learn to trust him again. My self esteem is shot, i feel worthless and have lost a massive amount of weight. Him getting his own flat tells me there is no hope but i am struggling to understand why he is not on his hands and knees begging me for forgiveness. I hardly function, i have had to have time off work and feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I want him back but NOT as a drinker and i have told him so. How can he cut me out of his life as though i dont exist. He still sees the kids but will only pick them up from the child minders now. He says he never wants to set eyes on me again.
I keep thinking of the beginning although i new he drunk heavily he knocked it all on the head for a period of time. I have begged and pleaded for about 5 years, the time he started drinking again. I am struggling to understand how he has totally cut me off even though i did nothing wrong. Over a period of 4 years, every 3 months we would argue badly because of his drinking leading to verbal abuse, he would leave and then return. This time he has cut me dead. I have now stopped begging and pleading as i was literally on my knees even though cheated. It is soooo hard though, i am lonely, depressed can see he is moving on and yet i cant. He is actively out enjoying himself, going out when he wants, drinking and driving as he wants, he does not have the kids to tie him down.
It is though over the years, he lowered my self worth and i feel totally dependent on him. I am frightened about going on holiday with the kids in 3 weeks for 1 month but they are all looking forward to it. I suppose the time abroad will help me come back with a fresh head, ready to start living again. At the moment i take each day as it comes. there are times i cry all day, there are others when i feel like he can rot. I am that angry and upset i just want him to land on his arse as each day my little uns ask when their daddy is coming home and it just breaks my heart.
I want him back but not as a drinker. He was my best friend at school and is such a nice person without the drink. He holds down a high profile job so is a functioning alcoholic. Everybody says just forget about him but how do i do that when i love him. People say that you should not text/phone and give him a taste of missing me, with that being the only hope to try to get him to realise what he will permanently lose his family if he does not get help
I am really depressed, every second i am awake i am in sheer pain. It only lets up when i sleep. What should i do, sit back and hope he comes crawling, or face facts that its never going to happen and he has chosen drink rather than our family.
I am truely devastated, i have tried for years to change his drinking and it just keeps getting worse and worse. He treats me as the enemy and he has cut me out of his life. I have done nothing wrong. I phone, begging pleading asking him to come home, get help for his alcohol addiction and state i will learn to trust him again. My self esteem is shot, i feel worthless and have lost a massive amount of weight. Him getting his own flat tells me there is no hope but i am struggling to understand why he is not on his hands and knees begging me for forgiveness. I hardly function, i have had to have time off work and feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I want him back but NOT as a drinker and i have told him so. How can he cut me out of his life as though i dont exist. He still sees the kids but will only pick them up from the child minders now. He says he never wants to set eyes on me again.
I keep thinking of the beginning although i new he drunk heavily he knocked it all on the head for a period of time. I have begged and pleaded for about 5 years, the time he started drinking again. I am struggling to understand how he has totally cut me off even though i did nothing wrong. Over a period of 4 years, every 3 months we would argue badly because of his drinking leading to verbal abuse, he would leave and then return. This time he has cut me dead. I have now stopped begging and pleading as i was literally on my knees even though cheated. It is soooo hard though, i am lonely, depressed can see he is moving on and yet i cant. He is actively out enjoying himself, going out when he wants, drinking and driving as he wants, he does not have the kids to tie him down.
It is though over the years, he lowered my self worth and i feel totally dependent on him. I am frightened about going on holiday with the kids in 3 weeks for 1 month but they are all looking forward to it. I suppose the time abroad will help me come back with a fresh head, ready to start living again. At the moment i take each day as it comes. there are times i cry all day, there are others when i feel like he can rot. I am that angry and upset i just want him to land on his arse as each day my little uns ask when their daddy is coming home and it just breaks my heart.
I want him back but not as a drinker. He was my best friend at school and is such a nice person without the drink. He holds down a high profile job so is a functioning alcoholic. Everybody says just forget about him but how do i do that when i love him. People say that you should not text/phone and give him a taste of missing me, with that being the only hope to try to get him to realise what he will permanently lose his family if he does not get help
I am really depressed, every second i am awake i am in sheer pain. It only lets up when i sleep. What should i do, sit back and hope he comes crawling, or face facts that its never going to happen and he has chosen drink rather than our family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
Oh, Alfiepug3, my heart is breaking for you. I'm sending you hugs and prayers for you and your children. I'm brand new here as well, so can't offer you anything more useful than support. This website has been a lifesaver for me these past few weeks. Read as much as you can, and post your questions and concerns. The people on here have been where you and I are, and are amazing resources! Welcome.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. Sorry you are in such pain right now. It will get better, believe me.
As you have seen, through hard experience, there is nothing you can do to change him. He is deep in his addiction, and that is why he has escaped from anything standing in his way.
Even though you can't change HIM, there is much you can do to reclaim your OWN life. I strongly suggest you get to Al-Anon. It's a great place to begin to pick up the pieces--to build a much better life for yourself and your kids than you could ever have living with an alcoholic. You and your kids deserve better, and it is out there. I know it feels like the pain will never stop, but you have to take steps to make it stop. Eventually it will.
Hugs, glad you are here.
As you have seen, through hard experience, there is nothing you can do to change him. He is deep in his addiction, and that is why he has escaped from anything standing in his way.
Even though you can't change HIM, there is much you can do to reclaim your OWN life. I strongly suggest you get to Al-Anon. It's a great place to begin to pick up the pieces--to build a much better life for yourself and your kids than you could ever have living with an alcoholic. You and your kids deserve better, and it is out there. I know it feels like the pain will never stop, but you have to take steps to make it stop. Eventually it will.
Hugs, glad you are here.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I want him back but not as a drinker
good luck on that quote....
he needs to change for himself...and for no one else or he'll resent you for it
but you can....12 step program(al anon)
please read and read and read some more until SOMETHING clicks...we have all been there for some sort of reason for another...
read CO DEPENDENCY NO MORE, from MELODY BEATTIE, you may see alot of YOU in those words, i know it did....
reclaim YOU, work on YOU...time to shift the focus
good luck on that quote....
he needs to change for himself...and for no one else or he'll resent you for it
but you can....12 step program(al anon)
please read and read and read some more until SOMETHING clicks...we have all been there for some sort of reason for another...
read CO DEPENDENCY NO MORE, from MELODY BEATTIE, you may see alot of YOU in those words, i know it did....
reclaim YOU, work on YOU...time to shift the focus
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
Algiers, I'm so sorry. All I can say is that I think you're better off without him. It sounds like he was being dishonest with and abusive towards you in every way possible. I know that things will get better for you and your children - maybe even sooner than you think.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Your story sounds very familiar. !!
He is an alcoholic and thats just how they are. Here some notes I hope help -
Alcoholism is a vicious and cruel disease that seeks to destroy every relationship and every person that it touches in it's path.
Many alcoholics are abusers. You are being ABUSED!.
Why can't you pull away? Because he has control. You need to be the one in control of your life, not him.
Strongly suggest alanon.
Holidays with active alcoholics are usually a nightmare. Take your kids alone and just give yourself a chance to be free of ill treatment - which is all you will get from him right now.
It's a disease and this is just one of the ways it manifests itself. You will be okay without him - hard to believe I know but its true!!
Sending you love and hugs((()))
He is an alcoholic and thats just how they are. Here some notes I hope help -
Alcoholism is a vicious and cruel disease that seeks to destroy every relationship and every person that it touches in it's path.
Many alcoholics are abusers. You are being ABUSED!.
Why can't you pull away? Because he has control. You need to be the one in control of your life, not him.
Strongly suggest alanon.
Holidays with active alcoholics are usually a nightmare. Take your kids alone and just give yourself a chance to be free of ill treatment - which is all you will get from him right now.
It's a disease and this is just one of the ways it manifests itself. You will be okay without him - hard to believe I know but its true!!
Sending you love and hugs((()))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
Alfiepug3
I feel your pain. I too am missing my alcoholic. Your words are confused between a heart that misses the man she loves and knowing on a logical level that you can't have him back this way even if he wanted to come back. He's sick and wherever he is and whoever he is with, they will eventually feel the brunt of his disease just as you have. But what I can say is that...The past is past. The future is unknown. All we have is now. Feel your sadness. Experience it. cry with it and let it fly. And then just live each moment because all we have is the moment we are living right now. The next one could be him knocking on the door asking for forgiveness OR it could be you finding a new passion in your life. Writing that book, sky diving, dancing classes or finding a new fabulous friend. No one knows what is in store for us. The anxiety of wondering what could be always ends up being wasted because life will be what it will be whatever it is and I promise you, it will get easier. It just takes a while. Time WILL HEAL YOUR PAIN. Devastation, will turn to sadness, which will turn to a little laughter mixed in once in a while and then a little more and then a lot more and then one day you will wake up and your heart will be happy again. A good friend reminds me daily..."This too shall pass". Sweet lady, you will be happy again and you will be glad this chapter has ended. Just get through it. One small step at a time and one day at a time. I hope you enjoy your vacation with your babies.
I feel your pain. I too am missing my alcoholic. Your words are confused between a heart that misses the man she loves and knowing on a logical level that you can't have him back this way even if he wanted to come back. He's sick and wherever he is and whoever he is with, they will eventually feel the brunt of his disease just as you have. But what I can say is that...The past is past. The future is unknown. All we have is now. Feel your sadness. Experience it. cry with it and let it fly. And then just live each moment because all we have is the moment we are living right now. The next one could be him knocking on the door asking for forgiveness OR it could be you finding a new passion in your life. Writing that book, sky diving, dancing classes or finding a new fabulous friend. No one knows what is in store for us. The anxiety of wondering what could be always ends up being wasted because life will be what it will be whatever it is and I promise you, it will get easier. It just takes a while. Time WILL HEAL YOUR PAIN. Devastation, will turn to sadness, which will turn to a little laughter mixed in once in a while and then a little more and then a lot more and then one day you will wake up and your heart will be happy again. A good friend reminds me daily..."This too shall pass". Sweet lady, you will be happy again and you will be glad this chapter has ended. Just get through it. One small step at a time and one day at a time. I hope you enjoy your vacation with your babies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: united kingdom
Posts: 20
yesterday he turned up drunk. He needed his passport/id for a flat that he has now got himself. He was sooo drunk and yet he was driving. although i have reported him for drink driving the police cant do anything until he is caught, by the time they arrive he is gone. He was really verbally abusive to me. I told me it was my son's fault that he will never come home. He blammed it entirely on him and then started calling me a S*** when i am not the one who cheated. I got into a heated argument with him in which he mocked me and laughed saying he was never coming back. I know in my heart he wont, i love him so much. I am not prepared to spend another 7 years with a drinker. It has taken all my self respect away from me. He just wants to be left alone and i have now stopped texting and phoning begging him to change. Only he can change and to be honest he has chosen alcohol over his family. His next partner will have to put up with the same. Every second hurts, every minute. I WILL get over him even though at the moment i see no way forward. thanks for all your support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: united kingdom
Posts: 20
Update still not doing well
Update to my previous posts. My ex never came back. He told me he was going to get help and his tenancy in his flat ended December and he was going to come home to his family by Xmas. He told me to wait for him and not get a boyfriend only for our kids to visit to find out he had a new gf. Only 3 days before I found out he text to remind me of our agreement to be loyal and then he would come home.
When I found out about his new gf he told me he will always be a drinker, that he hoped I get cancer or due in a car crash, that I am bad karma, my house is chaotic with the kids (our kids by the way), that I wasn't worth a try and no one will want me. To top it all of his new gf split with her alcoholic ex of 10 years and is now with my ex and has bought him crates if booze for Xmas.
Since September when I found out about his new gf I have cut all contact including texts and phone calls and it all goes through my friend. I refuse to message him re kids and can honestly say I will never forgive him for allowing me to beg for 4 months, promising to change and then just lining himself up with a new woman who is a heavy drinker, just so he could make sure he was set up with a new gf first.
I am so angry. My kids report that they argue badly and he verbally abuses her but she puts up and shuts up. She also allows him to dd my kids around resulting in me making a complaint to the police. My friends saw him drink 5 pints in the pub and the police said they would send a police car around to watch him drive off and they didn't bother so I am putting a complaint in to the police now. So now I contend with my ex dd kids and her allowing it!
My ex was scum and sheer abusive to me and kids. But what hurts is god allowed him to land.on his feet and have a new relationship. He was in contact with me before he met her and told me he meant it when he asked me to marry him until he met her and told me he should never have asked. He left because I caught him cheating on me with a girl called keeley. Recently his new gf caught him texting keeley and he said it was his cousin only for our daughter to tell her no dad does not have a cousin called keeley and its the woman he chested in mom with. My ex never used to cheat but the drink has totally took over and now he is slying texting behind new gf back.
Why has god let him land on his feet. I did nothing to him except nagging to stop the man I loved drinking himself to death. I did nothing and one minute he asked me to marry him and then he has gone
Why is he happy and not me. It's him that wakes up with her, has presents off her and Xmas dinner why I am alone. Can't even look at another man. I think he is severely narcisstic, he has never shown empathy and became abusuve in phone when I cried when I found out about new gf. He has never contacted me since I went no contact. He is happy, he has her, I have no one. Part if me still lives him and I miss him. I fear him and his gf will last and I am bitter and I want every relationship if his to fail. He deserves to be lonely not me. He used to tell my son from first marriage he was a useless waste of s***k. He used to tell our daughter who is 6 she was a mental health freak. So an abusive evil nasty alcoholic lands in his feet after the 6 years of abuse he gave his family!!!
Why is he happy? Why? Why do I still feel I have lost everything? God I loved him So much? Do alcoholic narcisstic abusers ever show remorse for destroying their families as I feel worthless. Do they ever get karma. New gf feeding him alcohol as well when our daughter has told her he is an alcoholic. I have just started going to alanon but life is not fair. It should be me happy not him. I wake up having nightmares in which he is reading out the terrible things he did to me and kids via a black book. My whole life has no meaning due to the emotional torture and abuse I lived with. Will karma get him and how do I move on when I am stupid enough to still love
him?
When I found out about his new gf he told me he will always be a drinker, that he hoped I get cancer or due in a car crash, that I am bad karma, my house is chaotic with the kids (our kids by the way), that I wasn't worth a try and no one will want me. To top it all of his new gf split with her alcoholic ex of 10 years and is now with my ex and has bought him crates if booze for Xmas.
Since September when I found out about his new gf I have cut all contact including texts and phone calls and it all goes through my friend. I refuse to message him re kids and can honestly say I will never forgive him for allowing me to beg for 4 months, promising to change and then just lining himself up with a new woman who is a heavy drinker, just so he could make sure he was set up with a new gf first.
I am so angry. My kids report that they argue badly and he verbally abuses her but she puts up and shuts up. She also allows him to dd my kids around resulting in me making a complaint to the police. My friends saw him drink 5 pints in the pub and the police said they would send a police car around to watch him drive off and they didn't bother so I am putting a complaint in to the police now. So now I contend with my ex dd kids and her allowing it!
My ex was scum and sheer abusive to me and kids. But what hurts is god allowed him to land.on his feet and have a new relationship. He was in contact with me before he met her and told me he meant it when he asked me to marry him until he met her and told me he should never have asked. He left because I caught him cheating on me with a girl called keeley. Recently his new gf caught him texting keeley and he said it was his cousin only for our daughter to tell her no dad does not have a cousin called keeley and its the woman he chested in mom with. My ex never used to cheat but the drink has totally took over and now he is slying texting behind new gf back.
Why has god let him land on his feet. I did nothing to him except nagging to stop the man I loved drinking himself to death. I did nothing and one minute he asked me to marry him and then he has gone
Why is he happy and not me. It's him that wakes up with her, has presents off her and Xmas dinner why I am alone. Can't even look at another man. I think he is severely narcisstic, he has never shown empathy and became abusuve in phone when I cried when I found out about new gf. He has never contacted me since I went no contact. He is happy, he has her, I have no one. Part if me still lives him and I miss him. I fear him and his gf will last and I am bitter and I want every relationship if his to fail. He deserves to be lonely not me. He used to tell my son from first marriage he was a useless waste of s***k. He used to tell our daughter who is 6 she was a mental health freak. So an abusive evil nasty alcoholic lands in his feet after the 6 years of abuse he gave his family!!!
Why is he happy? Why? Why do I still feel I have lost everything? God I loved him So much? Do alcoholic narcisstic abusers ever show remorse for destroying their families as I feel worthless. Do they ever get karma. New gf feeding him alcohol as well when our daughter has told her he is an alcoholic. I have just started going to alanon but life is not fair. It should be me happy not him. I wake up having nightmares in which he is reading out the terrible things he did to me and kids via a black book. My whole life has no meaning due to the emotional torture and abuse I lived with. Will karma get him and how do I move on when I am stupid enough to still love
him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi and Merry Christmas!
I am sorry for your pain. You ex sounds very narcissistic and like a total jerk. He is a drunk and sounds like he is with another drunk who enables his drinking. Active A's stoop lower and lower until they either die or seek recovery. Yours sounds very much still active.
There is nothing you can do to change him. He might seem happy in his new life, but it is all very superficial stuff. No foundation. I highly doubt they are actually happy, they might just seem that way because you are unhappy right now.
Have you talked with a counsellor or been to alanon?
Hugs
I am sorry for your pain. You ex sounds very narcissistic and like a total jerk. He is a drunk and sounds like he is with another drunk who enables his drinking. Active A's stoop lower and lower until they either die or seek recovery. Yours sounds very much still active.
There is nothing you can do to change him. He might seem happy in his new life, but it is all very superficial stuff. No foundation. I highly doubt they are actually happy, they might just seem that way because you are unhappy right now.
Have you talked with a counsellor or been to alanon?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Hi alfie;
I'm sorry you are hurting so much and it is good you posted to share your feelings.
Things will get better, but you need to focus on healing yourself and on caring for your children right now and let go of your obsession worrying about him and what he is "getting away with" right now.
Time will tell. New girlfriend is already been cheated on, and his drinking will keep getting worse until he cannot function like he is now, so leave that to his own actions and quit thinking about it.
I'm curious about what you are doing to secure the financial needs of your children.
You need to get child support / alimony in place ASAP if you haven't.
As someone who grew up with a divorced mother who was "too proud" to take alimony and did not protect her / our rights when my drunk father was out of the picture, I can
tell you growing up poor is a lot worse in the long term than facing the truth that he isn't coming back and you need to focus on getting the best settlement you can.
I wish you the best and as I think others will tell you here, the more you work on detaching and healing yourself, the sooner the pain will fade and you can find a loving non-drinking partner to share you life with.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much and it is good you posted to share your feelings.
Things will get better, but you need to focus on healing yourself and on caring for your children right now and let go of your obsession worrying about him and what he is "getting away with" right now.
Time will tell. New girlfriend is already been cheated on, and his drinking will keep getting worse until he cannot function like he is now, so leave that to his own actions and quit thinking about it.
I'm curious about what you are doing to secure the financial needs of your children.
You need to get child support / alimony in place ASAP if you haven't.
As someone who grew up with a divorced mother who was "too proud" to take alimony and did not protect her / our rights when my drunk father was out of the picture, I can
tell you growing up poor is a lot worse in the long term than facing the truth that he isn't coming back and you need to focus on getting the best settlement you can.
I wish you the best and as I think others will tell you here, the more you work on detaching and healing yourself, the sooner the pain will fade and you can find a loving non-drinking partner to share you life with.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Alfiepug3- I just want to hug you so tight. . . Please Please start educating yourself on codependency. I am new here and the forum has so many wonderful people that have given you great advice and will continue.
This statement you made "But what hurts is god allowed him to land on his feet and have a new relationship" keeps nagging me so I wanted to tell you something a friend of my told me when before I found out all the stuff I am dealing with.
She told me to pray that God reveals the secrets -- God did that- then she told me " Sometimes God sits in the back seat after he revealed what we needed to know and is now waiting for us to make a move but God is there". At first I didn't quite understand it but I learned about codependency went to a book store and found a old copy bought it and immediately I was feeling better. I ordered the new one online and working the book again. It's not going to be overnight the pain goes away and the situation changes but you have the opportunity to make a change. I hope it helps.
This statement you made "But what hurts is god allowed him to land on his feet and have a new relationship" keeps nagging me so I wanted to tell you something a friend of my told me when before I found out all the stuff I am dealing with.
She told me to pray that God reveals the secrets -- God did that- then she told me " Sometimes God sits in the back seat after he revealed what we needed to know and is now waiting for us to make a move but God is there". At first I didn't quite understand it but I learned about codependency went to a book store and found a old copy bought it and immediately I was feeling better. I ordered the new one online and working the book again. It's not going to be overnight the pain goes away and the situation changes but you have the opportunity to make a change. I hope it helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: united kingdom
Posts: 20
Hi he is a functioning alcoholic and he does pay maintenance directly into my bank. It's the only thing he is good for. He does not pay his fair share though and here in the uk, i the child support agency dint take into account that i pay 800 a month in child care and that he gives me 400 a month so he pays nothing towards their actual clothes food etc. the way he sees it I am the big wage earner so tough on me! Funny how his new gf does not work but he has money to buy her and her daughter meals, day trips, weekends away, pub trips but then he won't pay his fair share for his own kids. I earn a lot of money and the house was mine before I met him so I continue to pay the bills. I am lucky as I am really financially independent otherwise I would have lost everything. Found out today he bought his gf a 200 pair ugg boots and my kids got a poxy game each. Joke.
Just started al-anon last week. It really hurts. His ex wife before me put up and shut up about his drink so he treated her ok but then not emotionally as he would never hug, kiss or show any affection and he just passed out via drink. So she came home after being with him for 5 years and told him she was leaving.
When I met him he was an alcoholic or a heavy drinker at least. But he was my best friend at school and I told him drink was an issue so he cut down in it. However when I fell pregnant he took me down by resuming heavy drinking and then the abuse started as I nagged.
I used to tell him who was the person who cared.... His ex wife who allowed him to drink himself to death without saying nothing and walked or me who nagged as no way was man I loved going to drink himself to death! So I nagged and he became abuse and punished me. I can't work out why though his new gf does not nag but he has been arguing with her and verbally abusing her only 6 weeks after meeting her. His friends reckon its because he is taking it out on her because he knows he lost me the minute I found out about his new gf and have cut him dead out my life. His friends don't think he is happy because he didn't treat me bad till a year after we met. Or is it because his drinking is now worse and he can't control his abuse? His drinking is significantly worse now since we split and she allows it.
I focus on my kids.... Well they don't see me cry and I take each day as it comes. It's hard for me As his mom and dad live 3 doors away and at the moment his car is there so he is there with her. I used to be part if that family and they loved me and I loved them. I have now lost them all as they deny his drink problem (even though I lost count if the number if times his mom had to come around, tip his beer away and get him out if the house due to the abuse to me and the kids). They forget that and have wiped their hands if me and look at me in disgust. They was with him when he downed 5 pints in a pub after having 2 pints the hour before after going to golf. Selling my house now to get away from them all.
There is only me. I have friends but all happily married. They don't hAve time to go gym, movies etc. I wish I could stop focussing on him being happy but he must be as he has her and the family like her and I have no one. I go to bed on my own, wake up on my own. To top it all off he accidentally text me when I found out about new gf saying he was falling for her and he missed her whilst he was at work. It was then that I walked away. He laughed when he realised what he did and text to say you still want me back lol.... How cruel. I love him and he knows it
I would understand his nastiness if I did something but I loved him unconditionally. Nightmares won't stop. He deliberately takes her to the only pub I go to where my friends go. Anything to hurt me.
I know you are all right about focussing on me but how. 7 months later yes I can function but life has no meaning, I am bitter as his allowed him to meet someone and not me and I feel karma always gets me. I am a good person, I do all the giving, I donate to charity, I care about people and he never did or does. My ex had me in hospital through domestic violence, the one after was addicted to cocaine and now alcoholic ex. Karma bites me.... What for.... What did I do to anyone. So you see I am angry as I feel god punishes me and allows him to be happy with her. I hate my life but I stay strong for my kids.
Just started al-anon last week. It really hurts. His ex wife before me put up and shut up about his drink so he treated her ok but then not emotionally as he would never hug, kiss or show any affection and he just passed out via drink. So she came home after being with him for 5 years and told him she was leaving.
When I met him he was an alcoholic or a heavy drinker at least. But he was my best friend at school and I told him drink was an issue so he cut down in it. However when I fell pregnant he took me down by resuming heavy drinking and then the abuse started as I nagged.
I used to tell him who was the person who cared.... His ex wife who allowed him to drink himself to death without saying nothing and walked or me who nagged as no way was man I loved going to drink himself to death! So I nagged and he became abuse and punished me. I can't work out why though his new gf does not nag but he has been arguing with her and verbally abusing her only 6 weeks after meeting her. His friends reckon its because he is taking it out on her because he knows he lost me the minute I found out about his new gf and have cut him dead out my life. His friends don't think he is happy because he didn't treat me bad till a year after we met. Or is it because his drinking is now worse and he can't control his abuse? His drinking is significantly worse now since we split and she allows it.
I focus on my kids.... Well they don't see me cry and I take each day as it comes. It's hard for me As his mom and dad live 3 doors away and at the moment his car is there so he is there with her. I used to be part if that family and they loved me and I loved them. I have now lost them all as they deny his drink problem (even though I lost count if the number if times his mom had to come around, tip his beer away and get him out if the house due to the abuse to me and the kids). They forget that and have wiped their hands if me and look at me in disgust. They was with him when he downed 5 pints in a pub after having 2 pints the hour before after going to golf. Selling my house now to get away from them all.
There is only me. I have friends but all happily married. They don't hAve time to go gym, movies etc. I wish I could stop focussing on him being happy but he must be as he has her and the family like her and I have no one. I go to bed on my own, wake up on my own. To top it all off he accidentally text me when I found out about new gf saying he was falling for her and he missed her whilst he was at work. It was then that I walked away. He laughed when he realised what he did and text to say you still want me back lol.... How cruel. I love him and he knows it
I would understand his nastiness if I did something but I loved him unconditionally. Nightmares won't stop. He deliberately takes her to the only pub I go to where my friends go. Anything to hurt me.
I know you are all right about focussing on me but how. 7 months later yes I can function but life has no meaning, I am bitter as his allowed him to meet someone and not me and I feel karma always gets me. I am a good person, I do all the giving, I donate to charity, I care about people and he never did or does. My ex had me in hospital through domestic violence, the one after was addicted to cocaine and now alcoholic ex. Karma bites me.... What for.... What did I do to anyone. So you see I am angry as I feel god punishes me and allows him to be happy with her. I hate my life but I stay strong for my kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Alfie, I am so sorry you are dealing with such a thoughtless jerk. I just want to note that your assumption that he is 'happy' is just that, an assumption, and a pretty big one! It is easy to torture ourselves with the fantasy that someone else has managed to change our A into the partner we always wanted, but while he is still active in his addiction that is extremely unlikely. Happy people don't hurt other people. They don't string people along. Only hurting people do that. Not that you should feel sorry for him - PLEASE DON'T! - but you hurt only yourself by imagining things that aren't real.
He has not changed. She has not fixed him. He is still the same thoughtless cad he was with you. The empowering part is that he is now, for the day to day, someone else's problem.
You are not being punished by your Higher Power. It doesn't work like that. You have been the victim of someone else's misery. You can choose to stop perceiving yourself as a victim when you are ready. There is a whole board of folks here ready to get behind that! It will be a new year in a few days. Maybe it is time for a new outlook too.
Sending you strength, courage, and patience, both with him and his nonsense, and for yourself.
He has not changed. She has not fixed him. He is still the same thoughtless cad he was with you. The empowering part is that he is now, for the day to day, someone else's problem.
You are not being punished by your Higher Power. It doesn't work like that. You have been the victim of someone else's misery. You can choose to stop perceiving yourself as a victim when you are ready. There is a whole board of folks here ready to get behind that! It will be a new year in a few days. Maybe it is time for a new outlook too.
Sending you strength, courage, and patience, both with him and his nonsense, and for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
Dear Alfie,
I can read that you are in pain and partly in shock – and maybe you need to go through a period of grief.
But honestly this man does sound like an idiot, I am sorry to say so – but it is the truth. I am rather convinced that you we realize this in the months to come and will be happy that things have turned out as they have. I understand you are lonely and and hurt. Stay in there, sometimes we go through hard days before we find the good ones. In your case I am rather convinced your good days lie ahead and you deserve them.
An abusive drunk name calling the kids – I agree with Kitty feel sorry for his new gf.
I can read that you are in pain and partly in shock – and maybe you need to go through a period of grief.
But honestly this man does sound like an idiot, I am sorry to say so – but it is the truth. I am rather convinced that you we realize this in the months to come and will be happy that things have turned out as they have. I understand you are lonely and and hurt. Stay in there, sometimes we go through hard days before we find the good ones. In your case I am rather convinced your good days lie ahead and you deserve them.
An abusive drunk name calling the kids – I agree with Kitty feel sorry for his new gf.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You have children. Your life is not meaningless. They are dependent upon you.
You said that the kids have told you that they are fighting. How in the hell is that a happy relationship?!
She buys him booze. Of course he loves her! I used to tell my husband what he needed was a b!tch who would "put out" and pour his drink for him, NOT ME! I was angry at him for drinking! That is essentially what your husband has.
You have a lot of healing to do. Your picker, as they call it here, is broken if you've been picking abusive, drug addicted alcoholics to be with. Find out why that is and you will have a better time the next time someone comes along and wants to date you. If they have a major flaw, as in drug, alcohol and physical abuse, you can stand strong and send them on their way counting telephone poles.
Your son did NOTHING wrong and for that assh*le to blame him for the demise of your marriage?! He is a coward. It just goes to show YOU that he will blame anyone and anything for his life going to hell. Why you would even want that around your son after those words crossed his lips is beyond me. I know he'd have my hand imprinted on his face if he were my husband. RULE #1 is you don't bring the children down! You don't blame them for your problems. They did not ask to be here and he knew when he married you that you and he were a package deal. I have no sympathy for this tool and I promise you, his life sucks!
Enjoy your Christmas with your children. Remember that they need you to be healthy and happy. The faster you get this guy out of your head, the better all of you will be. Keep up the no contact!
You said that the kids have told you that they are fighting. How in the hell is that a happy relationship?!
She buys him booze. Of course he loves her! I used to tell my husband what he needed was a b!tch who would "put out" and pour his drink for him, NOT ME! I was angry at him for drinking! That is essentially what your husband has.
You have a lot of healing to do. Your picker, as they call it here, is broken if you've been picking abusive, drug addicted alcoholics to be with. Find out why that is and you will have a better time the next time someone comes along and wants to date you. If they have a major flaw, as in drug, alcohol and physical abuse, you can stand strong and send them on their way counting telephone poles.
Your son did NOTHING wrong and for that assh*le to blame him for the demise of your marriage?! He is a coward. It just goes to show YOU that he will blame anyone and anything for his life going to hell. Why you would even want that around your son after those words crossed his lips is beyond me. I know he'd have my hand imprinted on his face if he were my husband. RULE #1 is you don't bring the children down! You don't blame them for your problems. They did not ask to be here and he knew when he married you that you and he were a package deal. I have no sympathy for this tool and I promise you, his life sucks!
Enjoy your Christmas with your children. Remember that they need you to be healthy and happy. The faster you get this guy out of your head, the better all of you will be. Keep up the no contact!
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi Alfie, thinking of you and your children.
I want to say so much but I'm unsure the words will come out right so I'm sending love and hugs for you and your children and you are one in a million.
My mum put up with my dad's alcoholism all her life, we as children suffered but she could never find the strength to leave him , though days before she died she'd wrote in her diary that she couldn't take much more of his drinking.
Thing is, he was such a nice guy sober, kept a job down. Booze was our only enemy, so what did I do when I was old enough, drank myself. We sometimes never learn, it took me half my life to get clear of booze.
You deserve a man, and there are a lot about, who will treat you with respect, love you and your children and more importantly, be sober. x
I want to say so much but I'm unsure the words will come out right so I'm sending love and hugs for you and your children and you are one in a million.
My mum put up with my dad's alcoholism all her life, we as children suffered but she could never find the strength to leave him , though days before she died she'd wrote in her diary that she couldn't take much more of his drinking.
Thing is, he was such a nice guy sober, kept a job down. Booze was our only enemy, so what did I do when I was old enough, drank myself. We sometimes never learn, it took me half my life to get clear of booze.
You deserve a man, and there are a lot about, who will treat you with respect, love you and your children and more importantly, be sober. x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
