Learning to appreciate
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Learning to appreciate
I didn't start going to Al Anon meetings until I was 42 years old. I didn't know I had a problem although for most of my life I have felt different and for some reason always on the outside looking in at other people being happy and really living their lives.
I went to Al Anon on the advice of the A I had started seeing. I actually ran into one of his 4 ex-wives at a meeting. It was at that point that I realized what growing up with an abusive alcoholic father had done to me and to my siblings. I was surprised and horrified at the same time to hear other people telling my story.
I went to meetings for over a year and then stopped because I was turned off by the religious overtones and by listening to the same stories week after week without getting any real practical advice.
So, here I am today, not exactly stuck, but not exactly moving forward either. I find that when I "stop to smell the roses" so to speak that all I think about is what I have missed instead of enjoying what I have. Of course the last 2.5 years I haven't had much. I lost my last full time job around 9/11 and haven't been able to get a regular full time job since. So much for the economic recovery. I have gone to bed hungry because I could not afford food. I have gone to bed cold because I could not afford to pay the gas bill. Thank goodness for my landlord who is a decent, kind man and offered to "work with me" if it came to not being able to pay the rent. I was inches from living in my car.
I'm much better off at the moment, but that could end at any time. My contract could be cancelled and I could find myself out on the street at a moment's notice. I'm tired of living on the edge all of the time. It's not an easy thing to put out of one's mind even for a short period of time.
Just for a while, I would like to not have to worry. Even when I play golf which is one of the few ways I escape, I look at the blue sky, the fluffy clouds, feel the warm breeze and wish it could last forever. But I know it won't. There is a saying that you can't appreciate what you have never had.
What I want to know is how do I get it, whatever that is?
Thanks,
Gracie
I went to Al Anon on the advice of the A I had started seeing. I actually ran into one of his 4 ex-wives at a meeting. It was at that point that I realized what growing up with an abusive alcoholic father had done to me and to my siblings. I was surprised and horrified at the same time to hear other people telling my story.
I went to meetings for over a year and then stopped because I was turned off by the religious overtones and by listening to the same stories week after week without getting any real practical advice.
So, here I am today, not exactly stuck, but not exactly moving forward either. I find that when I "stop to smell the roses" so to speak that all I think about is what I have missed instead of enjoying what I have. Of course the last 2.5 years I haven't had much. I lost my last full time job around 9/11 and haven't been able to get a regular full time job since. So much for the economic recovery. I have gone to bed hungry because I could not afford food. I have gone to bed cold because I could not afford to pay the gas bill. Thank goodness for my landlord who is a decent, kind man and offered to "work with me" if it came to not being able to pay the rent. I was inches from living in my car.
I'm much better off at the moment, but that could end at any time. My contract could be cancelled and I could find myself out on the street at a moment's notice. I'm tired of living on the edge all of the time. It's not an easy thing to put out of one's mind even for a short period of time.
Just for a while, I would like to not have to worry. Even when I play golf which is one of the few ways I escape, I look at the blue sky, the fluffy clouds, feel the warm breeze and wish it could last forever. But I know it won't. There is a saying that you can't appreciate what you have never had.
What I want to know is how do I get it, whatever that is?
Thanks,
Gracie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Gracie,
I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that better days are just around the corner for you.
As for getting "it", I have to ask for that...every day. And then stay on the lookout for clues as I go through my day.
Hugs,
Gabe
I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that better days are just around the corner for you.
As for getting "it", I have to ask for that...every day. And then stay on the lookout for clues as I go through my day.
Hugs,
Gabe
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
For me the "it" was finally surrendering my way and working the steps. Going to meetings is part of the process, but that didn't get the "it" I was searching for. I went further, got a sponsor that I could relate to, and who had a good knowledge of the steps, and began. I have never felt as whole as I have since I made that decision. I know about looking in from the outside, and I am no longer there. I don't know why I never was able before to grasp "it". Why do we have to hurt so bad to try something new? I am hard headed :banghead: but sometimes something gets through to me. 
Hugs, Magic
Hugs, Magic
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