EndStage

It has been a while since I have posted on here, months actually.
I have had my ups and I have had my downs ... tonight is a major down.
This saturday, the 22nd will be 3 months sober; longest time in 5 years.
Tonight has been hard. I've lost a good friend of mine (not by death), but by my actions. I will not go into details regarding this and how things came about, but I have a hard time trusting people and I keep them at a close distance however, when I let someone in I will do about anything that I can to help. That is just who I am.
I have been attending a CR (Celebrate Recovery) group for my addiction to alcohol and I do see changes in my life.
Tonight though, I am starting to doubt everything I have worked hard for during my time in recovery.
I can honestly say, that if I was not at work right now ... I would probably be back to day 1.
I am making steps for that not to happen. I contacted my sponsor and we have agreed to meet up a few hours after I get off from work so I can have atleast a couple hours of sleep; if I do sleep.
My heart is completely broken and I'm at the point were I am about to breakdown in tears, and I do not cry.
Was it my fault, sure, I'll put that on myself. It was all about misunderstanding but due to that I cross some kind of boundaries that caused this downfall in friendship.
This friend was also apart of my support group during my recovery.
I have come to the point were I have become sad, angry, rage, uncaring, and completely numb... Depression has set in as well.
I know I can not give up, but everything inside of me is saying throw in the towel.
In all of this, is this the main reason why I want to give it all up? No. This was just the last draw.
Within my past months in recovery, I have been dealing with so many issues and emotions that I have suppressed and I am trying to find balance.
I honestly feel that I am in the stages of being and have a bipolar christianity disorder. When I am good its great. In love with God and on fire. Than when i'm down and everything seems to be falling apart; i'm apart from God trying to earn back his Grace, Love and Mercy. As a christian, I know that is false, that He did what He did for me and He has freely givin me His very best were I do not have to EARN His love; He's already given in to me.
Right now, I am in a state of confusion and disappointment in myself.
-EndStage

Dee74

Hi EndStage

good to see you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friendship and the pain you're feeling, but you know drinking won't help you deal with that pain - I'm glad you're taking steps to shore up your support.

Many of us have lost things...fair or not, it seems a common factor in many journeys.

You can get through this...and sober

D

least

As Dee said, we've all lost friendships over our drinking. Put your best effort into your recovery and stay sober. You'll have your ups and downs but the good will come. Do everything you can to stay sober.

EndStage

I agree with both of you ... I am trying to stay focused on my recovery and as mentioned trying to find a balance within it all.
Balance is something I have lacked; very uncommon ground.
Price we all have to pay I guess.

Rennet

One person isn't worth throwing it all away for. And from the sounds of it this sounds like an issue with a single person. If I could hazard a guess you made a move on someone in your celebrate recovery group. Either way don't get too hung up on one individual, you should look out for yourself for now.

EndStage

Let me put this out there, no I did not make any move on this person. We have been friends WAY BEFORE CR even started. She has been there for me even when I called her up drunk in the early mornings and has been a great supporter. She mentioned to me that CR was forming and that it would be a good idea for me to use a stronger support group than just her. I had agreed but was hesitant because I have done the AA groups before and i've walked out because I thought that I was normal and everyone else was crazy.
Than I was so out of control that is why my friend suggested that I try out CR.
She ended up being one of the main leaders for CR and I asked her in the beginning if this would be conflict of interest "friendship before CR and now she is the main leader". Not trying to dog her down. God has really set it upon her heart to see others walk in Victory.
Now this is going on and I even ask my sponsor if I could consider finding a new group.

tootsl1

ES, I feel that as you say this is merely the last straw. If you genuinely feel you are suffering from depression or some other mental health issue, the first thing to do is get helpless with that. There is no shame, I take aspirin for a headache, anti depressants when my emotions are extreme and outwith the norm.
I remember someone posted a link to a Native American on youtube, who talks about the cycles of sobriety, which also reflects what you are going through,mi wish I could remember it!
Maintaining your sobriety is the most important thing, so do what you need to to do that, but from what I am reading, I feel perhaps you have lost some of your perspective on this situation, are you able to take a step back and look at the whole thing as if you were not involved? This sometimes puts things back in their place.

Be strong, be safe, be sober

Michael66

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles EndStage. I was miserable at 3 months even without any traumas. I think it can be quite a hard period of sobriety.

Things with your friend are obviously raw at the moment. But don't give up hope. Perhaps in a little time there can be healing of that friendship (but perhaps it is best left until the raw feeling has passed for both of you and the event can be discussed at a little distance).

I do believe no relationship is beyond healing, though the healing is in God's time and not our own.

God bless you EndStage. It's hard to see but try to trust that things will get better if you stay sober - not all at once, and you'll still have life to deal with, but it will be a better life.

EndStage

There is an issue, i've always have dealt with depression however and drinking make it worse, NOT DRINKING ... Do not even get me started. The issue is, I am also military. They do not know that I am an alcoholic, in recovery and groups, and they tend to frown upon soldiers with both addictions and depression.
I've heard that if you make it past the first 7 days, you're doing great. Sober first 3 months, even better. Past 3 months is a breeze.
For me, it is becoming even that much harder for the fact I am dealing with issues that I have refused to deal with.

EndStage

Appreciate the support

Threshold

If we have an issue with our recovery group or people in it that dogs us, and we don't have the support or clear headedness to see it through, then I think it is prudent to go to another group. If the issue is US, but other people are not attacking us, dogging us, etc, and we do have the support and clear headedness to address it...it's an opportunity for growth in the context of recovery and can be a big leap forward...to face it, using the things we've learned, and come to a positive conclusion...but the pieces have to be in place.

I think it's wise that you are speaking to other trusted people, because it can be very difficult for us to determine on our own if we should stay or go. Running away is a bad position to be in, but if we evaluate the situation and choose to walk away because it's for the good of all, that is a position of strength.

I really don't understand what is going on in your situation, so I cannot speak to it at all, but I do applaud you for keeping your eyes open, seeking wise counsel and being committed to sobriety no matter what.

Congrats on your clean time. There is no such thing as life being "a breeze" whether we are sober or not, life is what it is and will always be challenging.

sunshinescooby

hi Endstage.. just an aside.. Thanks for your service!!! Hope things get better for you. Also hope one day I can say I'm at 3 months.. really proud of you for getting this far. Hopefully you can get through this stretch no matter how difficult.

Hope lots of hope for you in this message..

Again 3 MONTHS!!!

Anna

I hope that you can find some balance and peace in your life. That has become so important to me.

EndStage

I appreciates everyone's insight and support.
Between working third shifts, trying to push aside the mood swings, and getting rest, I have not been on here as much as I wish I could. Thank you again. If you are a praying person, please do so. Tonight is kind of a rough night for me. thanks

MIRecovery

Sorry for your loss but we cannot be responsible for other people nor can they be responsible for us. My sobriety and my happiness or not dependent on others. I cannot control people places or things but I can control me and change me. I've lost a few people in sobriety and it is never easy but it was ultimately their choice.

Work your program engage with your group and stay sober because the alternative is far harder