serendipitydo

Currently dealing with an AH and it finally hit how messed up my own family life growing up was. Spent father's day with my sweet dad, crazy narcissistic mom, brother and his family. After dinner my mom decides it would be a great time to dig out some old letters written by her children which included one from my sister to her best friend right after our parent's divorced. (My sister had declined the invitation to the dinner after her grown sons were not invited due to their "unchristian-like" choices of late.)
I was so uncomfortable and heartbroken as she read the letter that my sister had written to her best friend right before she ran away. I was sick to my stomach as my mom chuckled as my sister wrote about committing suicide and my mom's unfair treatment of her. I couldn't believe my mom would make such a joke out of what was obviously a painful time in all 3 of her children's lives. I stopped listening to her and talked to my elderly aunt about mundane things to keep my mind off of it.
She cares for my 3 young children while I'm at school but lately I'm wondering if this is such a good idea. I'm trying to complete my degree in order to provide for my boys and I. They get enough crazy at home from their A father.
I apologize for the vagueness of this post. I am trying to find the courage to post about my current situation. Just stuck in limbo and this is the most encouraging and comforting place I've found.

LexieCat

Ewww. Your mom sounds rather, um, yes, crazy and narcissistic. That's absolutely AWFUL, what she did.

I think I would try to find different childcare arrangements. Her idea of what's "funny" is rather disturbing, to say the least. I think I would be uncomfortable having my kids around her when I wasn't right there to supervise and make sure she doesn't screw them up.

Oh, and welcome to the posting side. Feel free to tell us whatever's on your mind here. We all get it, believe me.

serendipitydo

Thank you Lexie. I do feel so welcome here and have learned so much from so many of you. I have no other options for childcare at this point unfortunately. I'm trying to save every penny to get out of my current situation. I feel like telling my sister what happened, but know that will only add fuel to the fire of their already rocky relationship. I think this is the right approach. I don't know anymore. I've always been the peacekeeper of the family. Would you pocket it or let her know?

DreamsofSerenity

Welcome. This is definitely an encouraging and comforting place, and it's good you posted.

Yes, your mom sounds pretty nuts. Is there anyway you could ask her not to talk about stuff like that in front of your kids, or is she too far gone to understand?

A lot of us on here have crazy families. You are definitely not alone.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR. It's good you are breaking out of the isolation of being the wife of an alcoholic. Isolation keeps us easily controlled by the alcoholic.

It's unfortunate your mother is a clueless narcissist, but if your children are very young and she has good enough skills to keep them safe while you are in school, then I would weigh carefully the pros and cons of ditching her and starting from scratch to find suitable and affordable childcare for 3 young children. Your household is one which involves an alcoholic parent, which brings enough risk and unsettling events as it is. The change in caregivers will be one more thing your children have to adjust to, so it needs to be, in my opinion, an absolutely necessary change. I was a single mother and I know the challenges involved in finding childcare.

Does your mother care for the children in her home or yours? If she cares for them in your home, then, again, I would weigh carefully the outcome of bringing a babysitter into your home where an alcoholic resides. It would be unfair of you to withhold the information about the drinking parent, and unfair to expect a babysitter to assume responsibility to handle any crises the alcoholic creates.

If you prefer to have your children with a different caregiver, then my suggestion would be a highly recommended child care center.

LexieCat

I don't know that there is anything to be gained by telling your sister. Presumably she wouldn't be all that surprised--I imagine she knows perfectly well what your mom is like.

Well, if you have no other option for childcare, then that's another story. It sounded to me like you did have other options, since you were musing that it might not be such a good idea. Hopefully you education will allow you to eventually afford better arrangements--and to have the freedom to leave your alcoholic marriage if that's what you choose to do.

serendipitydo

I should say that her crazy is not due to alcoholism. She is actually a pretty normal person mostly. She just has these selfish, hurtful situations where it is uncomfortable to be around. She has conflicts with everyone close to her. We have never had a falling out because she somehow doesn't criticize me like she does my siblings and her sisters. It's just completely messed up how she speaks of her own grown grandchildren and children (when they're not on her good side).
I guess I should not have posted it to this site as this is not about alcoholism. Sorry. I'm just in a funk and trying to muddle through. I will muster the courage to post about my AH soon. It's just hard. Thank you for listening

serendipitydo

Yes Lexie. There might be a possibility to arrange my classes to be only while they were in school. It would just prolong my graduation date. I'm so close now that I hope the 2 hrs a day she's with them a couple of days per week won't be too detrimental to them. They've already voiced their opinion to me that they'd rather not spend the nigh over there and I will respect that. Just sad to me because some of my fondest childhood memories were spent at my grandparent's house. Too bad they can't have those moments with their grandmother and my poor dad gets left out because of her.

EnglishGarden

Post here with any concerns about your well-being and your children's well-being, dear, for this site is about finding good emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health in recovery. We cover it all: finances, childcare, narcissists, dog and cats, the police, and ducks! (You will laugh about the ducks later).

serendipitydo

Thank you EG. Yes she comes to our home and actually is good with them most of the time. They have told me she has yelled at them before for seemingly ridiculous things. I honestly don't think I could afford childcare for 3 children (12, 8,7. My 12 yr. old has a learning disability and is in no way mature enough to care for his siblings).
I am hopeful for the strength to get through the next 5 months while I finish school. It seems like forever but we've come this far

LexieCat

Yes, you have to watch out for duck doodoo around here when you tiptoe through the threads.

We're here to listen whenever you are ready, and as EG said, we share about all kinds of challenges in our lives.

serendipitydo

EG, I think I'm living with the loudest quacking duck in my county. If I didn't have to worry about not hearing my boys get up at night I'd invest in some good earplugs

BlueSkies1

I would have stood up, interrupted her, and told her right there in front of everyone that there was nothing funny about that letter, and that it was very private and belonged to my sister and should be returned to her.
My mother read my diary and wrote comments in it...so as someone who was in your sister's position, or is, I suggest that you do tell her. Why? Because if she is uncertain at all about trusting your mother again with her feelings, she needs to know to not do so, so that she doesn't get hurt by her again.
Or at least a talk between you and your sister about how your mother can't be trusted to respect other people's feelings. I suppose the message can be conveyed without the details.