Siobhan74

I'm really struggling with self-loathing at the moment and it's affecting my ability to stay clean. I hate myself for being an addict, I am just this flawed, broken, mentally unstable, useless person. I hate myself for being born this way and this hurts me very much. I have nothing to offer, I'm such a bad person. Does anyone else struggle with this?

least

I used to struggle with that daily. I thought I was hopeless, with nothing to offer. But staying sober took that away to a large extent. I am taking antidepressants and they work a lot better now that I'm sober.

It's hard to forgive ourselves for the damage we've caused but unless we do, we are doomed to live that awful life.

You know what helped me? I found at least one thing to be grateful for every day. And it got me in a better frame of mind and made it easier to accept myself.

GracieLou

But you have so much to offer. You have yourself and your experiences to share that can help others in the same boat. You understand like nobody else.

Many times when I was feeling like you the help I got that sometimes meant the most was someone else saying "I understand". And they did because they have been in my shoes. That "yep, I know were you are at" nod. That meant the world to me at the start and as I learn more and more about myself I still get that nod and that "Yes, I understand"

Please don't sell yourself short. We need you

ScottFromWI

Many do struggle with this, to be certain. But the solution is to become the person you want to be - sober, responsible and stable. And you can do that - anyone can. But not if you wallow in self pity rather than seeking change. It requires 100% commitment to sobriety - is that what you want?

Hevyn

Hi Siobhan.

I definitely had problems with that as I came out of my fog. I had to remind myself that it was the drunk me who caused all the damage and let things spin out of control. She actually wasn't anything like the real me. I forgave myself and fought for the good life I knew I could still have. You can rise above this and have a new beginning.

Ptcapote

This is SO true. In one of my darkest hours feeling like you describe feeling, Siobhan, someone unexpected said "I understand and know exactly where you are" to me. GracieLou is so right. We addicts have so much to give back by just reaching behind us to someone who feels all alone. You can't always fix all the bad stuff you did while drunk or high but you certainly can help someone more than you will ever know by just "knowing."

That's a lot of what SR is about and that's what we all have to give. So definitely, don't sell yourself short, that contribution saves lives. It saved mine

Siobhan74

Thanks everyone. I think I just need a hug.

360shoes

You weren't born that way. You aren't any of that. That's what addiction does to all of us.

If Mother Theresa used long and hard enough she would probably be saying the same thing to herself.

I had to start with some self compassion. I would never think that about another human being. I don't know why I thought it was okay to think of myself that way. It wasn't. I used to but now I don't.

Point that loathing where it belongs. At the cr*p that's trying to steal your soul.

You are not worthless. Ever.

Siobhan74

Before I was an addict I was hated who I was. Low intelligence, low-self esteem, living in a fantasy land, doing badly in school, feeling constantly inferior(because I was). I was never a normal person. I hate the pre-addictive me as much as the addictive me. I don't know what to do with all this self-hate.

360shoes

The person writing those posts sounds far from lacking intelligence to me.

There were 3 of me's too.
The one I didn't like before I found something to make those feelings go away.
The one I became wasting my life using up all my energy to keep the cycle of hell going.
And now, the one who has learned to love my uniqueness...differences and all.

Normal is highly overrated.

Being the best you will be more than enough to carry you through your life with joy and peace and love. What more do we really need anyway??

(((Hug)))

BabyJane

I have found that for me, doing esteemable things leads to increased self-esteem. When I choose these new healthy behaviors (especially when I'm helping others or doing work to improve who I am in recovery) I form a new opinion of myself. I know I can look in the mirror and honestly tell myself I'm not "bad" or "screwed up" anymore I'm just a person on a new path learning and trying my best. When I resort to old behaviors, I get that guilty feeling again and I don't like it so I avoid those behaviors. It helps. Change your actions and better feelings and thoughts will follow!

hypochondriac

The worst thing someone with low self esteem can do for themselves is take addictive substances, but that's what we do. Coming out of that can be a long hard slog but there is a lot of hope. I always think that if I had learned better coping strategies as a child then I wouldn't have got to this point. But I am grateful that I did in a way because now I get that opportunity. I agree with Least that the best way to start is just to think of things to be grateful for. Start turning all those negatives into positives. Has there ever been anything that you have been complimented for? Are there any good things in your life which make you happy? It can be something really small, in fact it usually is. Sometimes it's the little things which keep us going. You are also in a unique position to help others who have suffered as you have. That makes you incredibly useful, actually essential, to humanity in general. That makes you way better than 'normal'