NeedHappiness

I am in need of help to get through the last and final breakup with my ABF of 8 years. In the past, I have cut the ties several times...usually about 1-2 years apart, and wouldn't you know, I am once again at my breaking point. Never in my life have I experienced a man who appreciates NOTHING I do for him!! I think THAT is what has been the final straw for me this time. I am finally opening my eyes to who and what I am to him..... a place to live, a mommie to take care of everything, a person who will alwyas figure things out when things get tough..... the recreational director, the personal assistant, the "you need to take a bath" reminder system, the backup alarm clock, the one who fixes dinner and lunches everyday........the maid, the trashman, the laundress, the one who drives the drunk from point A to point B.......... I HAVE HAD IT!!!! I am getting nothing out of this relationship but stress and tears. My self confidence is shot.... I have gained weight and look and feel like crap. I'm tired all of the time. the list goes on.
what is it going to take for me to break away from this sickness?

I don't know WHY I feel so sorry for him but I still do....despite what it is doing to me. He's like a child in many ways..... he has nowhere else to go.... he finally has a job he's been at for a record 7 months....which is good.... I am jsut not happy and and no, I don't want to go to Alanon. I went a few times and all I did was cry. Not sure if it was the group I went to or what, but I coulnd't see it helping me at all. At least not right now while I have this kind of attitude. I also know that I need to go no-contact and I need some advice from those of you who know and have been there.
We've had a dog for 7 years now and since I have no children, the dog is like a child to us. I am the nurturing one and he is the alpha dog. she is often afraid of him because when he gets drunk he likes to boss someone around....or maybe I should say "show his authority" and usually it is our dog. For those of you who have no pets, I'm sure its hard to understand, but I can't bare the thought of him taking that dog with him. If I go no-contact, I will probably have to.
I just need some support again folks.....please

wicked

Please do not leave that poor dog there,
you have to take her to a shelter, a no kill shelter or something.
Just as you deserve a chance at happiness,
so does she,
Both of you have the RIGHT and you have the responsibility to care for those who cannot help themselves. Like helpless animals.

So, if you go no contact, the dog is left to him? Why?


He is NOT a child. He may act like a child and you respond as his mommy.
Find another pet to care for and baby talk to the animal.
He is not reliable, nor does he care for you, your boundaries, your time, your work, your love.....you get it?

8 years, how about not 8 years and one day more?

Beth

This man is not helpless, you are not helpless, the only true victim here is the dog.
I hope someone cares enough for her to get her cared for.
Then don't go to AlAnon, or go to another meeting.
If all you did was cry during the first few meetings (which MANY people do)
how could you know it was no good for you?
Please be open to something different this time,
or see a counselor about your inability to care for or about yourself.
This pattern is going to end up killing your spirit.

How about some pastoral counseling, find a church that welcomes all,
or you feel comfortable being with them and being there.

EverHopeful721

I don't know your whole story, NeedHappiness, and I mean no offense, but do you think that he's still like a child in many ways because you do everything FOR him? After all, why should he learn how to do things or try to figure things out for himself when he has you to always sweep in and save the day (and in essence, save him from himself)? Believe me, I know of which I speak....I also did EVERYTHING for my XH (who has never been an alcoholic/addict), and he was MORE than willing to let me. So I can only imagine how eager an alcoholic/addict would be to have an enabler to do everything for him so all he has to worry about is his next drink. I was with my XH for 19 years, and I woke up one day and wondered why I felt more like his MOTHER than his WIFE....well, because my little codie self had VOLUNTEERED to take on that role, that's why!! And at first, he was unable to do anything for himself, either.....but guess what? HE LEARNED!! It's now been two years since he's been on his own, and he's doing just fine for himself. He now knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, etc. And all because I was tired of 'raising' him and allowed him to figure it out for himself.

jessiec

It sounds like you are an excellent care taker. Now it's time to take care of you (and the pooch)!

sunnshinegirl

NeedHappiness, I can so relate to your story. I'm just a fixture in the house as well and one that supplies the money, etc. and I'm not really a person to him. It's taken me years to really come to grips with that fact and then longer to figure out I need to leave. Like you, I've gained a lot of weight, spent days and hours trying to fix it all and then spent days more crying. I found a great therapist who helped me wake up and then the people on this board and all their comments opened my eyes even more. I also have the same situation you do with our dog and the dog is going with me. I think if you read the pinned threads and ask lots of questions, you'll find so many wonderful, helpful people here. You'll make your decision about leaving in your own time and in your own way and the stories here can help you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

NeedHappiness

okay, I understand what you all are saying...... and after thinking about this post for a couple of days I realize that I HAVE BEEN an enabler for him to continue being irresponsible, lazy and unmotivated. I HAVE taken on the mommie role and am discovering I do't want to anymore. I guess I get really wound up when I don't get any help from him... I wait and wait, then finally just do it myself and get pissy about it.
Obviously I have a lot to learn about myself. thank you for gently telling me what I needed to hear. I have been in tears on and off for weeks now and also have my wall up when it comes time to criticism. I apologize.....

Maybe I will try a different AlAnon meeting and give it a second chance. Are there any online groups that are good?
As far as our dog, I love that dog more than I love most people so I do and will see that she is fine. Yes, she IS a victim of ABF's alcoholism and I will fight to keep her with me. No way is that baby going to a shelter!

LexieCat

My ex and I often joke that there should be an Alapet group for those poor neurotic critters that had to put up with drunks taking care of them.

LaTeeDa

It really became a chicken or egg question for me. Did I have to do everything because he was incompetent? Or was he incompetent because I did everything?

L

wicked

Oh my, so do I. That is why I responded the way I did.
I am doing for my son that any 31 year old should be able to do, and why?
Because I don't want to ask, and start and argument about how well it was done last time, or I did it last time, or , or, or, or,......
I want peace.
But I will never have it as long as he is here.
I am tense right now. In my own damn house.
Where I pay the bills.
Dammit.

How about
"Hey would you like some coffee?"

Oh noooooooo!

uh oh. looks like i went off the rails again.
okay, i am going to look for the online phone link.

and apologize for taking it off topic from your alcoholic to my addict,
but yeah, mad until the tears come, then I am furious.

the online meetings are good so far. I have only tried a couple,
but there are several during the day.
i got a new phone so the connection wouldn't be scratchy.

information

okay there is the phone link.
there is some info on the site on how it all works.
very easy.


Beth

NeedHappiness

Actually, as much as I hate to admit it LaTeeDa.... he IS very incompetant! He only went to the 8th grade and he is now 53 yrs old......so the lack of education has played a huge role in his lack of understanding and self discipline in many areas of his life. (Not that he isn't able to learn, just never HAD to)
We were raised totally different.....my mother taught us girls how to work and take care of ourselves. His parents let him move in with grandparents when he was very young and they didn't feel education was important to survive. He spent most of his days hunting and fishing with his grandfather while most other kids were in school. (Wrong I know, but that is how it was) He has never had to be responsible and sometimes I wonder if he truly knows the extent of being so.
My ABF has sent me conflicting messages over the years..... at times he says he WANTS to quit drinking, and other times he proudly says he enjoys driking and will never quit. I have never seen him SOBER and say he needs to quit drinking.... he only says THAT when he's under the influence.
Like so many others here on SR..... I love this man and want things to work out but I get so overwhelmed and disgusted with him and his actions! Everytime I have to pick up a beer can or a beer box he has thrown in the corner, it enrages me! At times I have made quite a display of kicking the box out the door... only making a fool of myself I'm sure.
This is a man who has been with me long enough to KNOW how I am.....what I will and won't deal with.... what I expect of a partner! He has never laid a hand on me, nor have we had an argument or bad words for one another. Well, ONE time recently he called me a name. lol
I guess once I get some therapy and start feeling better about myself then maybe some of the "pet-peeves" I have will not be as important of an issue. We will see.
Wicked, thank you for the AlAnon phone line info. I wll definately be checking out one of the daily meetings this weekend to see if it might be a good fit for me.

LaTeeDa

Well, just like me (and most of us here, probably), you SAY what you won't deal with, but continue to deal with it. You SAY what you want in a partner, but continue to stay with someone (for a long time) who does not meet your criteria. Actions speak louder than words, and that's not just true about the alcoholic.

There are really only two choices available. 1)Change your standards and accept him as he is. 2)Remove him from the role you have cast him in which he is obviously not suited for. I know many of us, myself included, who believed there was a third option. That of changing him into the person we want him to be. That option is not real and not available.

L