TakingCharge999

We have had some dates and, since the first time we interacted, he has been a gentleman, caring, smart and funny. He makes me feel safe and comfortable. The other day I was having a REALLY bad day and he supported me through that as well.

Physically, I was not attracted to him, but yesterday I looked at him and knowing him a bit better, I felt "something else".

Anyway I do not want to use a partner to heal, because if I look for a partner he is supposed to be a partner, not a therapist, nor a father... so on THU I am going to this group therapy and hopefully I can get some personal counseling also and work on my resentment issues.

Even if I am all about personal space and independence, deep down I know I have also wanted this, to have someone to share things with.

He is nothing like the last "boyfriends" I have had before. So, I do not want to get too excited, I am in the US on a temporary basis (supposedly half a year but probably at least a year) and I am wondering what would happen next -anyway, just trying to live the present moment and keep my options open.

If anything, he is a compassionate soul like I am, and I am grateful for knowing him.

LexieCat

Cool--enjoy!!

BlueSkies1

It all sounds like you are thinking and feeling this from a very healthy view. I am glad for you!

Tuffgirl

I've been reading a lot about this thing we call chemistry, or the "elusive spark" as called in another thread.

Truth be told - all the relationships I've had that "sparked" right away also ended up totally dysfunctional.

It takes a healthy person to recognize that maybe there might be something there - because of the way he acts/behaves in certain situations, instead of going on that "spark" alone.

Your recovery is shining, TC!!

How's DC, by the way? I hope you are going to all the cool museums and landmarks!

wanttobehealthy

So exciting TC! And I second what TG said about that spark and all-- I had MAJOR sparks with xAH and he's been an a$$ to me since day #1.

Sparks not so much with boyfriend right before him who I left to be with xAH...

Sparks=passion/hormones.... realizing someone is a decent person who treats you well and whose company you enjoy seems to = real potential for relationship.

amy55

Sparks? ----- isn't that what you get with shorted wires? Then throw the alcohol on it.

TakingCharge, I am happy for you. You don't need sparks, you need love and compassion, and no drama. I'm glad for you. Enjoy

TakingCharge999

Thanks friends... yes indeed, sparks mean I will end up crying, I have learned that.

We have plans for Friday and I have nothing to wear! we will go to a trendy street here...

Back in 2008 I spent nights crying... now I am here in a comfy sofa, listening to crickets, working on my blog, chatting with my friends. Incredibly grateful

LaTeeDa

So happy for you TC. You are much wiser than I was at such a tender young age.

L

ZenMe

Me too!

stella27

What a wonderful thread! So glad you're having a nice time, TC.

I love nice men. They light a spark in me in ways they never did before when I was a college girl who had the energy for drama and ambiguity.

Let's talk more about what healthy looks like.

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like you have lots of recovery under your belt. I learned to listen to what a man is saying and pay attention to red flags. Also just take it one day at a time and let go of expectations. Keep us posted.

fluffyflea

[

What do you mean by ambiguity?




QUOTE=stella27;4026801]What a wonderful thread! So glad you're having a nice time, TC.

I love nice men. They light a spark in me in ways they never did before when I was a college girl who had the energy for drama and ambiguity.

Let's talk more about what healthy looks like.[/QUOTE]

wicked

[QUOTE=Earthworm;4027859]

What do you mean by ambiguity?




The unknowing about anything. Not knowing the person you are connected to. Mystery. All the synonyms described my relationships with addicts of any kind or relation. The definition is from bing dictionary, I think it does pretty well.

Beth


am·bi·gu·i·ty
[ àmbi gy ətee ]

1. doubt about meaning: a situation in which something can be understood in more than one way and it is not clear which meaning is intended
2. statement with more than one meaning: an expression or statement that has more than one meaning

Synonyms: vagueness, uncertainty, haziness, doubt, indistinctness, obscurity, abstruseness, opacity, equivocality

wicked

Namaste back at you TC.
Have a good healthy time.

Yes, I guess healthy would be the opposite of ambiguous from the start.
What is a healthy relationship?
Have we talked of that much.

I want to know what to look for, not just what to avoid.
I mean, of course alcohol breath at 10 am ain't gonna cut it.
What will be will be..........pfffffffft.

cranky nana lady needs her sleep.

good night to those who have their hope back,
to those who refuse to give it up
and to those of us who are learning what it is.

Beth

stella27

I mean all the drama and intrigue of does he like me, does he not? I like nice men who like me and act like they like me.

My friend laughed and said "we will know the right man for you when his first words are What can I do to help you?" because I have 3 children and run around like a chicken with my head cut off most of the time.

I have a male friend who recently said "let me know when you're ready and I will help you move your things out of storage. I have a truck and a trailer."

That kind of straightforward like/love that isn't all passionate and dramatic.

TakingCharge999

Thanks dear friends,

I agree that by now I know what to avoid, but then what? I agree we need to talk more about what healthy is and looks like.

Well, we finally kissed the other night. I give the kisses a "6". It was not that good. Nor bad, either. I would like to practice more.

We have chatted a bit since, but I do not feel we are the same now... sigh... maybe it is my own fears? anyway, I hope that tomorrow we can talk, we can feel and see where this is going, or even if it is going anywhere.

All in all, I am not obsessed about him, which is HUGE!

I genuinely like him and I do not want to hurt him.

Since day 1 he has listened to my issues and offered some suggestions to solve them using the word "we". That is a new one....

TakingCharge999

I continue dating Dan... I feel he is as confused as I am...

God, please help me not ruin this friendship, and not hurt him in any way. Help me to be honest.

wanttobehealthy

I wanted to respond to this because this exact process is something I have gone through too many times and I think that there has to be something to it that is tied to codependent stuff.

For ex, I lived many years ONLY feing valued or liked as a daughter, sister or friend when I was being there for someone and offering them something. Once Id been there in a crisis or proved myself. ( particularly w a friend) I suddenly had the sense that I should back away bc I expected to be cast aside so I pulled back before that could happen. Same w dating. I was great at the art if charm and flirting but the second it got to be something more than flirting (ie: him wanting more from me either physically or emotionally) suddenly I found my feelings being cooler for whomever the date/boyfriend was.

I've had many regrets for doing this over the years and have talked about this pattern a lot in therapy. For me there's a lot of family of origin abuse stuff tied to it and codependency stuff about feeling better when there's a crisis or even uncertainty in a relationship than I do when there's calm and normalcy

It could be as simple as you're just not that thrilled by the kiss but I thought of myself and my rapidly cooling off feelings pattern when I read your statement about something feeling different so I felt I ought to share my two cents.

Tuffgirl

TC, its ok to hurt people when your intentions are good and honest. And being in the dating world - hurt is a part of it all. Rejection stings - it just does. But its the right thing to do if you are not feeling romance or chemistry or whatever with someone. Don't drag it along because you don't want to "hurt" them. If you do, you are "hurting" them even more, but thinking they are unable to handle rejection themselves as grown ups do.

Now, if you continue dating him because its worth pursuing, great! Being confused this early on is normal. Not everything needs to happen with a bang and fireworks raining down. Sometimes, love grows slowly and patiently over time. And that is probably the healthy love we all say we want anyway.

And what is this about being the "same"? The same in regards to what? I personally think being the "same" would be boring...unless the differences are fundamental core values and ethics that will cause serious problems long-term. Opposites attract more than "sameness".

dandylion

Dear takingcharge, does he know that you only see him as a friend? I just get a niggling feeling that you are dating him because you feel that you "should".

In my book, I think that a 6 on a kiss is not a good sign. It the beginning of a romance it should be a 10. Early attraction is heavily mediated by chemistry--the chemistry determines the emotional "score". Now, if the dating relationship lasts long enough, then the more durable elements of the (potential) relationship get a chance to show themselves (like loyalty; stability; dependability; emotional availability; maturity). These things take TIME to show themselves. I believe that a red flag anywhere along the way can be enough reason to end the relationship. (one never has to feel trapped).

One should not continue to date someone on the basis of not wanting to "hurt" them. Getting temporarily hurt is part of the dating game--as tuffgirl pointed out. It is unavoidable.

I live outside of D.C. and worked in the heart of it for 25yrs.---there are lots of attractive men there--you don't have to settle for lukewarm. There can be sparks with men that do not turn out to be losers!!!!! One just has to be willing to hang in until the sparks have become a slow burn rather than a forest fire to find out.

I must say--all this talk o n this forum about the "quiet qualities" being the criteria---I have never, never, had a romantic relationship work out when there was no spark there in the beginning!! I have never had a "flat" one turn into a good romance. I have had a sparky one fizzle out. I have had a sparky one become fabulous--unfortunately, he died.
But I say all this stuff from experience.

dandylion