Healing days, LONELY nights

Old 06-16-2013, 07:17 PM
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Healing days, LONELY nights

I believe I finally did the first step. I was able to admit I am powerless over Alcohol. My life has become unmanageable.
In the last week I have been browsing this site several times each day. Although, each story is different, there is always the underlying similarities. I have also been attending weekly Al-Anon meetings since my AB went to recovery in the begining of May. The meetings have been helpful but, I really credit what I have read here to have finally realized the profoundness of that first step.
All along I kept thinking that somehow, some way all my prayers and long talks with his friends would make him want to change. He has chosen not to have any contact with me. Honestly, I even thought if I went to the Al-Anon meetingsand he knew it, that would make him want to come back. I am also seeing a couselor to work on some things and I totally expected that would somehow make him want to work things out too.
None of that is going to change things. I am powerless. I know that this disease is far beyond my comprehension. Nothing, there is absolutely nothing I can do. No amount of begging, and pleading will make him come back. No amount of tears cried will make him come back. Nothing. I AM POWERLESS.
I decided today that I truly am letting this man go. Im doing it because I love him. It is his life to live and make his own decisions. I have my life to live and my own recovery to work on. He has made his decisions thus far and I have to accept them for I cannot change them.
So now with that being said, I find myself always slipping back into denial almost every night. Why is that? I miss him so much right now. Its like as the sun sets so do my logical rational thoughts. Its as if I want to take back all the progress I made during the day and wallow again. That maybe just maybe my life will magically change at night and I will wake up the next morning to him knocking at my door and saying "what a fool I have been. I love u and ur girls and I'm a changed man."
Am I the only one who feels this way? Its like I know all the things I need to do to get my life back. His life is his to live and I know that, but, these lonely nights are making it difficult.
Really could use some insight!
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Old 06-16-2013, 07:24 PM
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You just had a big shock and disappointment. It takes time to really internalize the First Step. You've intellectually accepted it, but it takes time to absorb and really, really accept.

Give yourself time. Keep reading and posting. Read some of the Al-Anon literature every day. I think we all are more likely to get disturbing thoughts at night because our bodies and minds are shutting down. Try to let the thoughts pass through your brain without inviting them to sit down and make themselves at home.

It will get better, but it doesn't happen overnight. It's a process.
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Old 06-16-2013, 07:47 PM
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Its far less painful to stay in denial and keeping our thoughts in that “fantasy world” then dealing with the reality. Reality is painful and disappointing…….and the only way to get through it is to work through it.

The quiet of night always seems to bring that depression and sadness to the surface so filling our heads with Cinderella kind of thoughts kind of helps us cope for a very short period of time.

Keep light s on, listen to music or books with headphones. Change your night time routine to something new. I used to exercise at night listening to headphones and good music. I’d take a shower and settle down into bed watch all the tv shows I missed and before I knew it I was asleep. I stayed away from self help books at night. If I couldn’t sleep I would read, magazines, a mystery novel anything that did not have to do with recovery, addiction, alcoholism.

I would only allow myself to read those kind of books during the day and I would start my day with reading from “The Courage To Change”.
Give yourself time, be patient with yourself and experiment with changing your night time routine.
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Old 06-16-2013, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Keep light s on, listen to music or books with headphones. Change your night time routine to something new. I used to exercise at night listening to headphones and good music. I’d take a shower and settle down into bed watch all the tv shows I missed and before I knew it I was asleep. I stayed away from self help books at night. If I couldn’t sleep I would read, magazines, a mystery novel anything that did not have to do with recovery, addiction, alcoholism.
GREAT suggestions. I did that, too--also when I was newly sober. I was so excited about being awake and alert at night (as opposed to passing out with my clothes on) that I re-discovered my childhood love of settling into bed with a good book--often staying up WAY too late, but sleeping like a rock. I replaced my bedtime drink with an ice cream "nightcap"--just a couple of spoonfuls in a cup I had put in the freezer to keep it from melting too fast.
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Old 06-16-2013, 08:17 PM
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Thanks for the helpful hints! I used to love reading mysteries. I haven't read any books like that in a looonnngg time! I have only been reading all this material on Alcoholism, self help, Al-anon, etc. I might just give it another try! Although, our local Library is temporarily closed
I really need a hobbie too! My ex was the only thing I ever really focused on in the last year and a half. Its sad really, how I gave up things I once enjoyed, giving him most of my attention.
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:41 AM
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I really need a hobbie too! My ex was the only thing I ever really focused on in the last year and a half. Its sad really, how I gave up things I once enjoyed, giving him most of my attention.
Most healthy people's hobbies are sports, cooking, reading, voutneering, etc........us codies hobbies usually are PEOPLE.

We do tend to get so consumed we give up so many parts to ourselves.......but believe me it's pretty easy getting all those parts back.....you just have to keep on trying.
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Old 06-17-2013, 06:27 AM
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Ltlys, I am in a situation almost exactly like yours. We are caught in a struggle between what we know is right and a heart that clings to some good memories and feelings. A heart that wants the sober man we knew. It can't be. It just can't be. If he came back and knocked on your door tomorrow, would you take him back again knowing of his active addiction and what it does to your life? If you remember nothing else remember this: It's NOT THE LOSS, it's the REJECTION that stings. Because what have you lost other than the misery his addiction brings into your life. That's a GOOD THING. We are in pain from the sting of rejection.
You mentioned your girls. I have girls too. I look at them and I just know that despite anything my heart feels for this man, there is no way I can move forward with him. He's hurt them and me too many times now. And mark my words, I am certain they will eventually come knocking back at our door. They always do. Not sure about you, but this sadness is too much. Ive had enough of it in my life. There MUST be a better way for us. The sadness will pass. Everything changes given enough time. We can support each other. That is what this place is for. I have been surrounding myself with girlfriends and trying to make sure I am not alone. Ive also gone shopping for some new dresses, (although, ya might want to be careful with the shopping therapy..that can be dangerous for your wallet) At night, well, I have the same problems you do. I find that I just go to sleep earlier than before. I'd rather sleep than stay up and think alone in the dark. Not a good vibe and always leads to tears. We can do this. The Alcoholic is NOT rejecting us. The alcohol is. And we reject it right back. Happiness is a choice. And it is never more difficult to make the positive choice then when our human tendencies to live in past moments take over. We must not allow it. I live in this moment with you and then I shall live in the moment of my breakfast of starbucks and cheesy popcorn. Hugs to you and your kids Darlin
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Old 06-17-2013, 07:46 AM
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Thank you, Izzyrose!
That sting is very painful. Its sort of strange how in many of the stories I read here, that it is the non-alcoholic that initiates the no contact. It seems that its the alcoholic that keeps trying to maintain the contact in order to keep up the control. In my case he is the one that will have nothing to do with us. It seems strange to me. However, I know that I can not understand much of whats goin on with him.
I can't seem to fall asleep most nights even though I am exhausted. When I finally sleep I eventually wake up and find myself right where I left off, thinking of him. Then its even harder to get back to a peaceful sleep because then I know I must get up in a few hours.
You are right about the fact that, neither myself or my girls have to live in that toxic environment anymore. That really is a blessing. No more hurtfulness in any fashion is nice. I still long for the good times though. I know thats probably normal.
I often wonder if he will come back sometime. We are only a month and a half into this. I find myself hoping for that at times, as I said before. Knowing what I know now, I pray for the strength to not revert to my Co-Dependent ways of coping.
My heart goes out to you and your girls. I know first-hand how hard this is. Take care and keep in touch!
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Old 06-17-2013, 09:19 AM
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I so agree with ataloose that you don't read self help books before going to sleep. I don't recommend them first thing in the morning either. Both of those times are sacred to me.
First thing in the morning is ME time. Those first awakened thoughts are so raw and fleeting, and sometimes so insightful and pure.
At night, I would make my bed as inviting as possible. I lived completely alone in a rural area for over a year without even friends nearby, so rural it was so dark that you couldn't see your hand in front of your face at night without a nearly full moon. That bed was sacred. It had beautiful sheets, comforter, as comfy as could be! Make it as inviting as possible.
When I couldn't take the silence I would play a VHS tape. Honestly I watched the beginning of one movie 100 times at least but never saw the ending. I was poor, but I found that garage sales had great books and terrific movies for a quarter on VHS as everyone was switching to DVD. If you don't like it you can watch it once and throw it out, no loss!
Sleep is a time when you get to rejuvenate your body, your life, your soul. It needs to be when you baby yourself the most. It is a safe place for you to rest your weary head and you can trust sleep to take care of the needs of your body and soul. A rest from all that weighs heavily on your mind. A break from all the demands of life.
Trust sleep to take care of you! It won't let you down!
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Old 06-17-2013, 11:52 PM
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I too am struggling at night. I have depression brought on by the rows we had and the atmosphere in the house leading up to when we split. At that point I sunk lower than I have ever done. I blamed him for everything, only now, after reading so much on here I realise how much I contributed to the demise of the relationship. It is a scarey thought process, I always thought I was 'better' than him, more in control etc but I made him as miserable as he made me. The difference is he found someone else while we were still together and found his happiness there. I am left with my sadness and a realisation of all my problems so a double whammy.
I returned to work yesterday and that brought a certain level of normality to the day but last night again I slept awful. We were together 13 years so I can still lie in bed and 'feel' him, I know his body shape in my mind, I can imagine cuddling him to the point of it almost being real. Knowing he is just up the road with someone else makes it so much harder.
I woke this morning feeling and looking awful, the circles under my eyes are getting worse. I want to spring back to being happy like he is but I can't. It's going to take so long and I'm jealous of his happiness. Today is the day he finds out whether he is made redundant from the forces in the latest cuts in the UK, it was on the news. I knew the date anyway. Hearing it but not knowing what his future (what our future was I thought) holds is really hard. We talked daily, I was part of his life and decisions and now I'm nothing to him, replaced so easily.
It is so painful and I am going through it with you.
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