In a relationship with a newly recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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In a relationship with a newly recovering alcoholic
I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. This is a very new recovery, only 9 days into it. He recently spent 4 days in the neuro critical care unit in Florida while we were on vacation. He began having seizures which lead to the hospital stay and while we were there we discovered that he had a bleed on his brain. Since leaving the hospital 5 days ago he has decided to never drink again. We both hope this sticks but we also know there is a chance for a slip up. We have been together a little over a year and I have only known him drunk. I'm excited to see what's in store for us as sober but I'm also scared. I hope that the new sobriety brings us together instead of pushes us apart. We have decided to move in together as well. I love him very much and he feels the same about me. I never left his side while he was in the hospital. I'm just looking for some support of any kind and wondering if there is anyone else out there that has experienced something similar. Thanks
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know that the first week or two of sobriety is the best time to be moving in with someone. I think I'd keep that space for a while. Early sobriety takes a lot of focus, and most people in early recovery are less than pleasant company for a while.
Is he in a program? I know it seems unthinkable that he would ever go back to drinking after a near-death experience, but my second husband did just that. As far as I know he is still drinking himself to death. AA or a similar recovery program is the best shot at permanent recovery, IMO. I have almost five years' sobriety in AA, and my first husband has over 33 years.
I wish you both the best, but again, you might want to rethink the cohabitation at this particular moment in your relationship and his recovery.
Is he in a program? I know it seems unthinkable that he would ever go back to drinking after a near-death experience, but my second husband did just that. As far as I know he is still drinking himself to death. AA or a similar recovery program is the best shot at permanent recovery, IMO. I have almost five years' sobriety in AA, and my first husband has over 33 years.
I wish you both the best, but again, you might want to rethink the cohabitation at this particular moment in your relationship and his recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thank you LexieCat. At this time he is not in a program, however we are going to start AA meetings as soon as possible. We are giving him time to get adjusted to his seizure medications.
Prior to the hospitalization we had already began living together in a way. He would just come over and stay for a week or so at a time. I know it is probably not the best idea to be moving in right now, but I just can't leave him alone. He is doing well at this time. Hopefully we have made the right decision.
Prior to the hospitalization we had already began living together in a way. He would just come over and stay for a week or so at a time. I know it is probably not the best idea to be moving in right now, but I just can't leave him alone. He is doing well at this time. Hopefully we have made the right decision.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, one other thing (oh, and I forgot to welcome you! Welcome!!)--watch the "we" stuff. It is HIS recovery from alcoholism, not yours, and not yours together. You may well have your own recovery coming--but the place for that is Al-Anon.
I've seen many, many recoveries get messed up because the nonalcoholic partner is trying to manage the alcoholic partner's recovery. Not saying you can never go to a meeting with him, but I wouldn't go to every one if I were you. He has to learn to rely on the people in HIS PROGRAM to help him learn to get sober and stay that way. It is the other recovered alcoholics who will be in the best position to help him.
You can certainly be a supportive influence, but I strongly suggest you not pump him for information about how he is feeling, how his program is going, getting buddy-buddy with his sponsor, etc. It's very tempting, I know (BTDT), but ultimately it isn't good for either one of you for you to get too involved in it.
Oh, and one other thing. You CAN leave him alone. In fact, it is good to practice doing just that, whether you are living together or not. He's a grownup and has a right and responsibility to learn to care for himself.
I've seen many, many recoveries get messed up because the nonalcoholic partner is trying to manage the alcoholic partner's recovery. Not saying you can never go to a meeting with him, but I wouldn't go to every one if I were you. He has to learn to rely on the people in HIS PROGRAM to help him learn to get sober and stay that way. It is the other recovered alcoholics who will be in the best position to help him.
You can certainly be a supportive influence, but I strongly suggest you not pump him for information about how he is feeling, how his program is going, getting buddy-buddy with his sponsor, etc. It's very tempting, I know (BTDT), but ultimately it isn't good for either one of you for you to get too involved in it.
Oh, and one other thing. You CAN leave him alone. In fact, it is good to practice doing just that, whether you are living together or not. He's a grownup and has a right and responsibility to learn to care for himself.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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The same thing jumped out at me regarding your post. The "we" in his recovery plan. I say this kindly...as someone who has been there...there is no "we" in his recovery. HE is responsible for his recovery....and only him. In AlAnon, we learn to "stay on our side of the street". Meaning, you are responsible for your recovery and he is responsible for his. If he really wants to go to AA, he can go today. He dosn't need to wait for medications to take affect or stabilize. He can sit in on meetings and just listen.
I would also highly suggest you DON'T move in with him right now. It takes a solid year of true recovery before the A becomes stable and you know where you stand. You can leave him alone...to think you can't is to enable. You are not in charge of him, and as an adult he can figure it out. It's really important to let the A experience the consequences of their choices, and if we hover and manage that won't happen.
As much as he needs AA, you need AlAnon. Work the recovery program in AlAnon that you want him to work in AA. Read the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Learn to get out of the way of his recovery, and keep the focus on your own recovery.
I would also highly suggest you DON'T move in with him right now. It takes a solid year of true recovery before the A becomes stable and you know where you stand. You can leave him alone...to think you can't is to enable. You are not in charge of him, and as an adult he can figure it out. It's really important to let the A experience the consequences of their choices, and if we hover and manage that won't happen.
As much as he needs AA, you need AlAnon. Work the recovery program in AlAnon that you want him to work in AA. Read the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Learn to get out of the way of his recovery, and keep the focus on your own recovery.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello wisern, and Welcome!
You have received some pretty good advice here...I've never been an alcoholic, but from reading these boards over the years, it seems that very new recovery is not an ideal time at all to be making major life changes (moving in together, getting married, etc.).
The most success that my stepson has had with his recovery happened when his father and I left him to it--he made his own decisions, good or bad, and dealt with the consequences himself. It has been painful to watch and hear about sometimes--but he is learning, and that's when change begins to happen
Welcome, again! HG
You have received some pretty good advice here...I've never been an alcoholic, but from reading these boards over the years, it seems that very new recovery is not an ideal time at all to be making major life changes (moving in together, getting married, etc.).
The most success that my stepson has had with his recovery happened when his father and I left him to it--he made his own decisions, good or bad, and dealt with the consequences himself. It has been painful to watch and hear about sometimes--but he is learning, and that's when change begins to happen
Welcome, again! HG
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, wisern36.
Ok, I am assuming you came here for support for your situation, and instead have found that few here agree with the direction this is going for you.
I know its hard to read, especially the part that challenges your judgment about this man you clearly care for.
But I can't gloss over this, either. It's just a bad idea to #1 be in a relationship with an alcoholic to begin with; they are really incapable of intimacy and love like a person without a substance abuse problem is and #2 to move in with him right now and #3 own recovery as if this is something the two of you will do together as a couple, like buying a house or raising children.
Think very seriously about your choices. Why this guy? A guy who has seizures on vacation because he's an alcoholic? What does he offer you, for real? Could this be a case of fantasizing the "love of a good woman" scenario? Do you think you can "help" him find and live a better life? Become a better man?
If anyone of these things ring true, you are in this for all the wrong reasons. And the excuse of "But I love him" doesn't hold much weight either. I love a lot of things that are bad for me, like cigarettes and refined sugar (especially in the form of ice cream!). I also love the bad boys who burn hot and then eventually burn me. I stay away from all those things these days.
Thing is, wisern, this guy is not in a place to have a relationship with you right now. The best thing you could do for him is leave him to his own devices so he can grow up and learn how to deal with the world like a man without the alcohol crutch. This takes some time. If it is meant to be, it can be a year, or three, down the road.
Good luck to you,
~T
Ok, I am assuming you came here for support for your situation, and instead have found that few here agree with the direction this is going for you.
I know its hard to read, especially the part that challenges your judgment about this man you clearly care for.
But I can't gloss over this, either. It's just a bad idea to #1 be in a relationship with an alcoholic to begin with; they are really incapable of intimacy and love like a person without a substance abuse problem is and #2 to move in with him right now and #3 own recovery as if this is something the two of you will do together as a couple, like buying a house or raising children.
Think very seriously about your choices. Why this guy? A guy who has seizures on vacation because he's an alcoholic? What does he offer you, for real? Could this be a case of fantasizing the "love of a good woman" scenario? Do you think you can "help" him find and live a better life? Become a better man?
If anyone of these things ring true, you are in this for all the wrong reasons. And the excuse of "But I love him" doesn't hold much weight either. I love a lot of things that are bad for me, like cigarettes and refined sugar (especially in the form of ice cream!). I also love the bad boys who burn hot and then eventually burn me. I stay away from all those things these days.
Thing is, wisern, this guy is not in a place to have a relationship with you right now. The best thing you could do for him is leave him to his own devices so he can grow up and learn how to deal with the world like a man without the alcohol crutch. This takes some time. If it is meant to be, it can be a year, or three, down the road.
Good luck to you,
~T
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
For years people with your exact story have been coming here. All thought love was enough. They were wrong. If you decide to continue on this path with him I have only one thing to share with you: good luck, and welcome to hell.
I wish I could talk you out of this. I know I can't. We were all so sure we were unique and that nobody understood. We were so in love with our alcoholics. We were the ones that were going to beat it! We didn't. We can't. Only they can. IMHO the best we can do is either contribute to the disease as codependent enablers or get out of the way. There is no third option.
Take care. I mean it.
Cyranoak
I wish I could talk you out of this. I know I can't. We were all so sure we were unique and that nobody understood. We were so in love with our alcoholics. We were the ones that were going to beat it! We didn't. We can't. Only they can. IMHO the best we can do is either contribute to the disease as codependent enablers or get out of the way. There is no third option.
Take care. I mean it.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Welcome Wisern,
I wish I had received advice like this at the beginning of my relationship with exabf.. I'm not sure I would have listened then, but four years of hell later, I'm listening now.
I am in full agreement that you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain, but the great thing about SR is we will be here for you anyway.
Keep reading!!
I wish I had received advice like this at the beginning of my relationship with exabf.. I'm not sure I would have listened then, but four years of hell later, I'm listening now.
I am in full agreement that you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain, but the great thing about SR is we will be here for you anyway.
Keep reading!!
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