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codependent personality + pregnancy hormones + broken heart = disaster!



codependent personality + pregnancy hormones + broken heart = disaster!

Old 06-16-2013, 10:09 AM
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codependent personality + pregnancy hormones + broken heart = disaster!

Everytime I think I am doing well, something sneaks in and sets me back. The past 2 weeks have been pretty level and I have been able to get through the having to notify while still being able to ignore his responses very well. This week marked the single digit countdown for weeks until my due date and it has set me off. As horrible as he has been to me, I want my STBXAH to be there for the birth. He won't be of course. He has still not acknowledged this baby once except to tell me to have an abortion in the beginning. It is hurting knowing he won't be there though and this weekend has been especially hard. I want to send him a message and ask him to be there, but I know that will just open the flood gates for his ego to be boosted and my heart to be broken even more. Why would I even want him there? What is wrong with me that I'm a mess thinking about him missing the birth? My family keeps telling me they will be there, but I don't want them there. I want my husband next to me, the man I love and made this baby with.
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Old 06-16-2013, 11:07 AM
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Dear tryingtoletgo, it is normal and very understandable for you to want the father of your baby there. It is as natural as rain to want this. I am soo sorry that he, likely, won't be there. Go ahead and cry and grieve this loss of the dream of family as you had planned it.

The thing is HE isn't normal--he is an alcoholic and is behaving exactly as expected for an active, irresponsible alcoholic. You MUST recognize this for the reality that it is. You can't afford to live o n fantasy of what you would like to see--you are setting yourself up for disaster to live on hopes and dreams. A baby brings reality home faster than anything I can think of. You need to be strong for your baby as well as for your peace of mind. You need to detach from him as much as you possibly can before your delivery date (alanon is best way to learn this).

How good is it that your family is being supportive and willing to be there for you! Try to plan for a joyful delivery with your family even though he might not be there. At least your family cares!

I am so sorry that it has come to this.

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Old 06-16-2013, 11:10 AM
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There's nothing "wrong" with you. I think your feelings are entirely normal, under the circumstances.

You're right, though, that begging him to be there will not have a good outcome.

I don't know that I, personally, would care to have my family present when I am giving birth. I think I would rather choose a trusted friend, if I had one, or go it alone.

This is YOUR birth experience. I think you need to spend a little time thinking how you can make it as good an experience as you can, knowing that you cannot count on him to go through this with you.

And yes, the hormones do not help.

Hugs,
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Old 06-16-2013, 11:39 AM
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I need you to listen to me.

I had a horrendous pregnancy. Stress from work and a partner who eventually left me, only to return after having an affair he started when I was 8 months pregnant.

My baby was severely underweight when she was born. She was full term.

The first few months were some of the hardest I have ever, ever been through.
In the middle of all this he walked out to live with her.

One thing that made everything hard was that he did not want to be there.
He wanted to be out with his new woman having fun, not changing nappies, dealing with sleepless nights.
Once he did go, as much as it hurt, I was able to focus on me and my baby.

This time is not about him.
It is about you.
You need to rest, relax and prepare.
You also need to let the people who love you and want to be with you, be with you.
I understand your feelings, but this is a special time, that you will always look back on. Let your loved ones make it a time special for you. He does not deserve to be there. Who knows about the future, but at the moment I would say no.

I fretted a lot when my daughter was born.
Worried about his feelings, his contact with her etc etc.
Looking back I was silly to do this, although it probably was pregnancy hormones a bit too.
I should have just cocooned myself with the love my family offered me and thought no more other than baby and me.

I actually deleted his number from my phone and all other ways of contacting him and his family. We had a mutual friend who acted as a go between if there was an emergency.

It was the best thing I ever, ever did.
Even if I wanted to text, I couldn't.
I couldn't check up on him either.

Please, please try and look after yourself from now on. You and only you.
The best thing ever is about to happen to you.
Don't let another persons faults, selfishness, issues cloud this for you and your child.

My best to you
xx
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Old 06-16-2013, 05:43 PM
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I can't say it any better than the other posters above.

so big hugs from me today. take good care of you and that baby!
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Old 06-17-2013, 04:16 PM
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Thanks guys. This pregnancy has been much calmer than the last. While pregnant with our now 10 month old he left to run off with another woman and like a fool, I asked him to come back. The rest of the pregnancy was full of ups and downs, him cheating, being violent. It was like living in hell. This pregnancy, we have been seperated since before I found out I was pregnant. Through the heartache and court battle, the last few months have been suprisingly peaceful and almost happy without him. I am thinking that hormones are playing a big part in how I am feeling about the birth and hopefully the heartache will go away completely after baby is here. Its funny, I know I don't want him back, really the thought of even seeing him disgusts me. The birth is just hitting me for some reason.
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Old 06-17-2013, 04:19 PM
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Lexie- I feel the same way about not having my family there. Though they are loving and supportive and overall great people, I am going to face this one alone. I think the birth will be more of a mourning than an exciting event. I didn't want to be pregnant again and took active steps to not be. Funny how the world has a way of suprising you sometimes. My kids are my world, so I know I will be in love once I see him, but I'm not excited or joyous about him coming.
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Old 06-17-2013, 04:53 PM
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That's a real shame, that you can't be excited and joyous about it. I understand--I would probably be feeling the same way--but it's still a shame.

Well, try to look past the birth to the lovely little guy you will wind up with, and the happy times you will share together.
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