sunnshinegirl

I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. Have everything planned and I'm not going to regret getting out of this chaos that is my life at all. What I am struggling with now is leaving my home. I've lived in it many years and really am attached to it and now I have to say goodbye to it. I have no other choice if I want to escape this terrible relationship and I've made up my mind but it's really bittersweet for me spending these last couple of weeks in a home I've lived in for so long.

So if you've left a home you've loved and moved into a new and strange situation can you please send me some support and let me know that just having peace in my life will be enough? I know it will be but I'd love to hear stories from others who have done it.

Thanks!

DesertEyes

Hello sunnshinegirl, and congratulations on making such a huge improvement in your life

Oh it is way more than enough. I moved to a different town, different job, and knew _nobody_. It has been wonderful. My little condo now is less than half the size of the home I once shared with my ex-A, so not only does it take _way_ less time to keep clean... I don't have to pick up after anybody but me. I do only _my_ laundry, only _my_ dishes, never have to go thru the fridge tossing out garbage because I don't put garbage in there to begin with.

The neighbors here are nice, because they're not afraid of having to deal with a crazy addict. The married women along the street are not muttering because there's not an addict flirting with their husbands. Kids on their bikes will stop to say hello. I can watch the sky turn colors at sunset, the clouds drift across on a weekend afternoon, and have the time to just watch... instead of constantly chasing after emergencies.

If I put something down, anything, like my glasses, or a magazine, or a jar of preserves on the kitchen counter... it's still there the next day. It's not been knocked on the floor, or broken, or misplaced. There's nothing here but _good_ memories, the ones I started building for myself from the very first moment I walked in.

I can even hear the neighbors sometimes, if they get loud. The old place was full of blaring T.V's she forgot to turn off, or the volume so loud because she was too doped to hear, or her yelling and screaming in a rage at one of the cats. I can go to bed at a decent hour, and I even sleep thru the _whole_ night without getting woken up for some insanity or other.

Oh yes, having peace in my life is more than enough, it's hugely wonderful.

Mike

AnonK

When I left, it wasn't my home. It was his. Still, I had lived there long enough that I had gotten used to being there. It was "home" to me.

Oh, if those walls could talk... they'd tell you all of the happenings that went on inside them. All of the drinking, yelling, cussing, anger, hostility, abuse and self-destruction that went on. They would tell you about all the tears I shed. They would tell you how, over time, they came to feel less like walls of a home but instead of a cell. After that, I was trapped in my own little hell.

It was hard to leave that, but I had to. It didn't matter how my AXBF felt. I was at my wits end and was beginning to fear for my safety and well-being. One minute he was threatening to throw me on the street; and the next, he's telling me that I don't have to leave. That I should stay put because it'll be better for me. That I can't make it on my own. That no one will ever love me the way he did. That no one cares about me. He even, in a conversation after I had moved, referred to me as his little sheep and said that I would need him all the days of my life. That I would be eating out of the palm of his hand forever. That was also the one of the last conversations I've had with him.

Even though I tried to sneak out as I moved, I was caught -- and it was okay. I got my stuff and got out. Surprisingly, my ex didn't try and get in the way too much.

It helped me, in my transition, to appreciate the little things. In my apartment, I was/am able to do things that I couldn't do before. I can have the things I want to have. I can come and go as I please. I am free to be me, and I am happier every single day because of it. Even the days when I'm not-so-happy.

Those bittersweet emotions you're feeling SunshineGirl become (almost) all sweet.

sunnshinegirl

Thank you Mike. That's what I was hoping to hear and I can only imagine how peaceful it must be to live without a ragining A even if it means giving up my home.

sunnshinegirl

Thank you AnonK. My days are filled with verbal abuse and I don't ever have him tell me anything nice or positive about myself any longer. Just rages basically although he's never physical thank goodness. Basically I'm in a prison but I've learned it's a prison of my own making and I'm not stuck and I can't live this way any longer. I so relate with what you experienced. I'm so happy you have your freedom now and thank you for sharing your story. I think you and Mike are so very brave to make these big changes. Takes a lot of strength to follow through and I admire you both. When you share your stories, it makes me excited about my new tiny place I'll be able to call my own.

atalose

First let me say “good for you” for getting yourself out of that situation!

I left my home about a month ago, it was bitter sweet and while I packed and moved it was like being at a funeral. I was grieving in a way but mainly focused on just getting out. Once I had moved and was at my current location I felt calm, it was the first time in a very long time that I could truly relax and not have active addiction right in my face.

Instead of feeling anxious of never knowing what I was going to come home to…….that anxiety is all gone. I now come home to peace not chaos.

Sure it’s going to take a little while to make where I am now my home but I look forward to my new beginning. I look forward to making MY home MINE without getting negative input from someone who didn’t care too much what his home looked like……I can buy whatever furniture I want!!!LOL Hang up whatever kind of curtains I want without some kind of dumb argument from someone whose mind is clouded with substances.

I have wrapped my mind around this as a very positive move in my life and I wish to leave all the negativity back at that old address.

You will do just fine; you will find your new way and make your new home peaceful and filled with serenity.

AnonK

This was me. After I moved on, I realized I didn't need him to say anything about me. Period. Whenever he would say something negative, I would tell him to keep it to himself and then remove myself. If it was positive, I would just smirk and tell him I already knew that. Depending on how/when you caught this particular ex, I was either this beautiful goddess that he adored to pieces or this gigantic waste of space. He actually told me once that I was nothing and would never be anything; even though I have accomplished more in my life than he has in his.

Some days, I wish he had gotten physical. It would have pushed me to leave sooner.

I wouldn't say it's a prison of our own making. We didn't make it -- they did. We just overstayed our visit. But we've both found the strength to tunnel ourselves out. Yay for us!

It's my pleasure. Not too many people know my story. My ex and I are both well-known in our town, so the break-up was messy... and of course "my fault". No one knows he's an alcoholic and the hell he put me through. No one really needs to know that now. We've both moved on.

But if I can help someone who is in the same situation I was, it gives me further strength. No one deserves to go through this, and I want to help someone else put an end to their own living nightmare.

Tuffgirl

A "house" is not a "home". It's simply a structure. A home is a place where we find peace, serenity, and solace from the big world outside. It's where our loved ones live and/or visit - even the furry kind.

Although I don't miss the house I was living in with the XAH (it was his, and it was much too small anyway) I did have a reaction to the whole change aspect of things. But then I bought my own house, moved in, got settled, and refused to move out. It is bliss!

I love knowing what I am coming home to, even if its snatchy teenagers and dogs who ate my shoes while I was gone at work. I love the feeling I get when I turn into my neighborhood. It's simply...well...peaceful.

transformyself

thank you so much for this Sunshinegirl. Thank you especially to Mike for that wonderful report. It's like a post card from our future selves:

Loving my life- wish you were here

sunnshinegirl

Thank you all for sharing your wonderful stories. This has been such a hard decision and really have agonized over it but I'm loving your stories of freedom and peace.

Hammer

Maybe in bit you will be able to think in the other direction.

What and Where will home now be?

Pretty much where things are heading for us, now.

The kids and I are now planning our "forever house" together.

Mrs. Hammer is upset because we will no longer play Crazy Train with her. She wants to move to one place for a job, and then another, and finally to Florida in something like two years because that was where she did rehab. The kids have been dragged around through enough crap.

So we are saying "no," which of course resulted in a "I am going relapse" temper tantrum in the middle of the kitchen. Oh well. Triple C. She can pay for rehab herself this time, if so. The money is now going to what is good for the kids.

DG0409

I haven't been in your situation leaving a home with an addict... but I've left a few homes.

I left 'home' and moved several hours away when I went to college. At first, it is hard because everything is new, but now I consider the new town I live in to be home. Well, after 7 years, maybe it's not so new... it's home. It'll take a little time, but your will naturally start to feel at home in your new home... where ever it is. And before you know it, it will have been 'home' for a considerable period of time!

Also, I travel A LOT. And these days, I feel pretty at home anywhere. Maybe because I have learned to feel at home with myself? Two or three weeks away from my house and I start to forget all about it! What I'm saying is that I don't think it will take you long to adapt. Humans are incredibly flexible and in no time at all, you'll have a new place that you think of as home.

lillamy

I heart mike's reply. That one should be stickied.

So on the other side of the "when I leave things in a place they're still there when I come back" - one think I've really enjoyed is that SO IS DIRT AND DISHES. If I decide I'd rather go play frisbee with my friends than clean the house I CAN DO THAT. I can leave the cleaning for when I feel it's time.

I can eat ketchup on my fries.
I can cook cabbage.
I can listen to 80s music.
I can eat chicken with my hands.

I know you have your own list but doing things I couldn't without getting yelled at - and finding new things I didn't even know I liked! - has also been wonderful!

I've been on my own for three years and I've never once regretted leaving the fancy house of horrors for my shabby little apartment. Even when the furnace broke and it was 40 degrees in the apartment for a few days.

You will make your new place YOUR home.
And visible or invisible, you may hang a sign on the door that says "be nice or leave" and demand everyone who visits respect that. You'll be the queen of your own castle rather than the maid of someone else's. kind of like Cinderella except without that pesky prince (who by the way seemed kind of weird anyway).

sunnshinegirl

Well first thing I'm going to do is throw the windows wide open!!! And I'll get a window a/c unit and I won't be hot any longer and I'll be able to hear my own thoughts. Thanks all. I'm starting to feel less sad and more excited.

m1k3

I've been gone 2 years now. What I can tell you is I didn't leave home, I found it. I live by myself in my apartment and I now what it is to be safe and content.

Your friend,

LexieCat

Add me to the list of happy move-out experiences. I moved from a way-too-big (and expensive) house we were renting (one of the final straws that triggered my move was that he had signed a renewal on the lease without my consent--and I was the only one working and had told him not to do it because we could not afford it) to a tiny apartment. I only lived in that tiny apartment for a few months before I decided to return to the state we had left, and it was an EXTREMELY humble apartment, but it was MY SPACE to do with as I liked.

I totally loved coming home without having to look at a drunk passed out on the sofa. I totally loved eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it.

I still had a bit of anxiety because we were keeping in contact with each other (he was never truly abusive, though he was incredibly annoying to live with), but the peace in the home--MY home--was indescribably delicious.

A lot of the nostalgia you feel about the house you shared with the alcoholic is just part of the grief that surrounds the ending of a relationship. You probably associate moving into that house with your dreams for a happy future, and the thought of leaving sort of reinforces the idea that that particular happy future will never be. BUT you have your OWN dreams of a happy future now that you are getting your own place. And THOSE dreams can be a reality.

Congrats on your impending freedom!!

leighr

I can completely relate to what you are feeling sunnshinegirl. June 30th will mark one year that my daughter and I moved from the house that I built with my AH before we were even married. I had hand picked everything that went into the building of that house (of course he had to "approve" each thing). It was really hard to let go especially since it was the first piece of property I could ever truly call my own, but he refused to leave and I refused to put up with the insanity for any longer. What made it even harder was that it was the only home our daughter had ever known. We moved less than a mile away to a rental house that is about half the size and no where near as well built, but the trade off for my (and my daughter's) emotional, mental and (nearly) physical well being has been so worth it.

I saw some of the house today for the first time in many months when I dropped her off to spend some time with him for father's day. So sad how he has let things go, when he claimed I would be the one that would not be able to maintain it on my own. Also so sad how he has let himself go, but those things are his choice.

I second what so many have already said here concerning personal freedoms, the ability to decorate as I see fit, the ability to clean if I want to or not if I don't want to, the ability to wear what I want to wear without the fear of being demoralized (even when he was sober), the ability to meet co-workers or friends (still trying to rebuild those relationships) for dinner without being accused of having an affair, the blessed piece and quiet and soooo much more. We deserve a better life, why shouldn't we give it to ourselves?

Best of luck to you. I hope you find the serenity that so many others of us have found.

MamaKit

Sushinegirl,
I left my home last August. I am in a condo now and don't have any yard work to do! Yay! Plants all around are celebrating as well...because I am a terrible gardener.
I think it is affirming to go to a new place all your own. It solidified my independence. I made sure one room was completely new and did not look like my old home. It is a totally different style and is decorated with colors that I didn't have in my old place. I covered the futon, found a table and a bench at the thrift store, took a hand-me-down area rug from my brother and my sister made me bright new curtains. It feels great.

But the best part.....is never, not once, have I pulled into that driveway with a pit in my stomach dreading what I might find inside. This dwelling is my soft place to land...it is home.

I hope that your experience going out on your own brings you peace, and happiness and a cross-breeze!

Hugs,
MamaKit

sunnshinegirl

I so love all your responses and the peace you have found. I think one thing that strikes me in particular is that when we are living with an A whether raging or not all of us have that sinking pit in our stomach when he walks through the door and we never know what to expect. I'm not going to miss walking on eggshells and being worried something might happen constantly. Thank you all again.

nowinsituation

Like many others here, my house where I lived with my XAH was a house I had planned and designed and decorated and loved. It was a small acreage and the yard was my domain. I had many gardens, a pond, walking paths..... my ritual every evening was to walk from flower bed to flower bed before going to bed. I was not so attached to the furniture, and besides I could take some of that, but I could not take my yard or my gardens!

I initially moved into a one-bedroom apartment with my 13 year-old daughter. Every piece of furniture in there I moved myself... except for a sofa-sleeper and entertainment center I had delivered from a used-furniture warehouse. That apartment was so peaceful! My XAH was not abusive, but like other have said, I could finally relax there.

I signed a very short lease, and soon knew that I would not be reconciling and moving back "home". I found a house for rent in a better location for my daughter's school. it was a beautiful old Victorian house with lots of wood detail and a large yard.... the landlords said I could do anything I wanted. I planted lots of flowers and made it mine! The house was old and drafty with barely functioning applicances, but, again, it was beautiful and peaceful and all mine!!!!

Since then I have bought a house on my own. With the help of my new husband, we are landscaping and redecorating. I never would have believed I would be this happy away from my "dream home".