Can I move on?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Can I move on?
This is so hard! I just want to call him, but know I can't. It has just been a month since my ABF of three years got drunk and angry again, threw a glass at me, that hit me in the head. I know I did the right thing by giving a statement to the police, but I still feel so guilty and ashamed. Part of his family blames me, my family doesn't understand, and I feel so alone. He can be so great . . . when he is sober. That is the man I fell in love with! I didn't know how bad his addiction was at the start of our relationship because he was on the road a lot .... before his DUI. For the past year and half I have been taking care of him, enabling him, lying for him, supporting him financially and now that he is gone I am really struggling with filling in my time, especially on the weekends when I normally would be dealing with his drinking all weekend. I miss the sober part of him so much, and don't know how to move on. I am trying to be strong, but I feel so alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
If you stay with him you just get pain over and over and over. The wound never heals it just keeps getting ripped open again and again and again
It's funny how much being with/loving an addict compares to being one yourself. having been on both sides I can attest to how eerily similar they are.
You do your DOC (alcohol, heroin coke, whatever it is) and you feel good you feel high, you feel calm, you feel better at first, it satisfies a need.
When you're with an addict, you are fufilled by feeling needed by someone, by being there for someone, by being with someone, fufilling your codependent desires.
With the former comes the crash the need for more, the depression, the self hatred, the pain. So you get caught up in a cycle of drug/alcohol use that never seems to end.
With the latter you get caught up in a cycle of bad times when hes drinking and using and being a total s*** bag and lying and cheating and stealing and abusing you
But then he says he's sorry and that he loves you and needs you and things are good and you think you can hold on and that maybe he will change and it feels so good when he's good that you want to ignore the fact that he's really tearing you apart mentally and physically.
When you pick up drugs again you get your high. When your addict is good to you, you get your high. Both both highs can completely destroy everything they touch.
I don't know if I am making sense. But what I am saying is, being with an addict can be just as destructive as being an addict yourself.
It hurts like hell to give up drugs and alcohol when you're an addict. And it hurst like hell to give up someone you love especially when you are in a way addicted to that person.
But like drugs, with distance and with time and with recovery come healing. If you keep using or staying with him and keep putting up with his abuse then you will just continue to get pain.
If you continue with no contact you will heal, I promise you, You will recover, This will be a blip on the radar that taught you something about your strenth and yourself and about what you don't deseve.
Staying just gets you pain that isn't worth the temporary fix you get from the rare times where he's good to you. Just like the fix you get from heroin isn't worth the destruction it causes.
I was with an heroin/coke/kpin/crack and god knos what else addict whose spent more of his life in jail than out of it. I took him back when I should not have I justified things and I ignore my own problems and my own addiction and the needs and desires and feelings of other people who were truly good to me and loved me for a guy who lied cheat stole and abused me and was an addict and a criminal and a liar with no real interest in getting better
If youv you don't have an interest in getting better you won't, plain and simpe, he will continue to hurt abuse and use everyone and everything around him and cause pain and destruction. It's not worth it
You deserve to move on, to be happy, and that CAN be done but on;y if you continue to be storong and keep him out f your life.
It gets better I PROMISE you/
And this is NOT your fault. My parents try to blame my ex for some of the addiction issues Ive had and it's ridiculous. I picked up the drugs, I made the choices I made but sometimes i can be hard for parents or anyone who loves someone to blame the person, especially the addict so they seek out someone "safe" to blame, and that is falling on you, its not fair and its NOT true.
he's an adult, you are no responsible for him and you did the best thing for BOTH of you. HE is the one who drove you away with his total lack of respect for you, you are in no way at fault
It's funny how much being with/loving an addict compares to being one yourself. having been on both sides I can attest to how eerily similar they are.
You do your DOC (alcohol, heroin coke, whatever it is) and you feel good you feel high, you feel calm, you feel better at first, it satisfies a need.
When you're with an addict, you are fufilled by feeling needed by someone, by being there for someone, by being with someone, fufilling your codependent desires.
With the former comes the crash the need for more, the depression, the self hatred, the pain. So you get caught up in a cycle of drug/alcohol use that never seems to end.
With the latter you get caught up in a cycle of bad times when hes drinking and using and being a total s*** bag and lying and cheating and stealing and abusing you
But then he says he's sorry and that he loves you and needs you and things are good and you think you can hold on and that maybe he will change and it feels so good when he's good that you want to ignore the fact that he's really tearing you apart mentally and physically.
When you pick up drugs again you get your high. When your addict is good to you, you get your high. Both both highs can completely destroy everything they touch.
I don't know if I am making sense. But what I am saying is, being with an addict can be just as destructive as being an addict yourself.
It hurts like hell to give up drugs and alcohol when you're an addict. And it hurst like hell to give up someone you love especially when you are in a way addicted to that person.
But like drugs, with distance and with time and with recovery come healing. If you keep using or staying with him and keep putting up with his abuse then you will just continue to get pain.
If you continue with no contact you will heal, I promise you, You will recover, This will be a blip on the radar that taught you something about your strenth and yourself and about what you don't deseve.
Staying just gets you pain that isn't worth the temporary fix you get from the rare times where he's good to you. Just like the fix you get from heroin isn't worth the destruction it causes.
I was with an heroin/coke/kpin/crack and god knos what else addict whose spent more of his life in jail than out of it. I took him back when I should not have I justified things and I ignore my own problems and my own addiction and the needs and desires and feelings of other people who were truly good to me and loved me for a guy who lied cheat stole and abused me and was an addict and a criminal and a liar with no real interest in getting better
If youv you don't have an interest in getting better you won't, plain and simpe, he will continue to hurt abuse and use everyone and everything around him and cause pain and destruction. It's not worth it
You deserve to move on, to be happy, and that CAN be done but on;y if you continue to be storong and keep him out f your life.
It gets better I PROMISE you/
And this is NOT your fault. My parents try to blame my ex for some of the addiction issues Ive had and it's ridiculous. I picked up the drugs, I made the choices I made but sometimes i can be hard for parents or anyone who loves someone to blame the person, especially the addict so they seek out someone "safe" to blame, and that is falling on you, its not fair and its NOT true.
he's an adult, you are no responsible for him and you did the best thing for BOTH of you. HE is the one who drove you away with his total lack of respect for you, you are in no way at fault
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
I know your right Fenwayfaithful. Thank you for your insights. It really is like an addiction too. You learn to live with the behavior, hoping for the good days when he is sober, looking forward to those little grains of goodness when he treats you right, says he loves you, those days when he promises he won't drink again and will get help this time.
It really hurt when his family bailed him out, it felt like they validated his behavior, that what he did to me wasn't really that bad.
I am trying to take it day by day, attend al-anon, counseling, and now talking here. Before, I never would have been able to do this. I know I am stronger then before, it just is so hard sometimes.
It really hurt when his family bailed him out, it felt like they validated his behavior, that what he did to me wasn't really that bad.
I am trying to take it day by day, attend al-anon, counseling, and now talking here. Before, I never would have been able to do this. I know I am stronger then before, it just is so hard sometimes.
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