AnonK

I'm in a reflective mood at the moment. Or maybe it's just one big, long vent...

My two major relationship have both been with alcoholics. The second one is the one that the majority of my posts refer to. However, before that, I was with an alcoholic (we were both in denial about this fact) for 18 months. He made my life hell in more ways than one (he downplays this fact due to the fact he never physically assaulted me). I enabled his alcoholism and he enabled my co-dependency (BIG time).

I'm sitting here on my couch in my little apartment. It's not perfect, but it's perfect for me. I've taken great pride in furnishing it; and great pride in the fact that I am taking care of and responsibility for myself. It's one of my greatest accomplishments in life.

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows, of course. I already had my own set of problems before my two exes came along. Ironically, I don't think I'd be as well off as I am if I hadn't gotten entangled in the nonsense.

They come and then they go. As they run for the hills, they say "I'm no good for you. You deserve better". So, as I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, I try to figure it out. Surely they knew they were not any better than they were before we got together; so why string me along in such a manner? Maybe, I tell myself, it's part of the alcoholic's manipulation.

And, maybe, I say, it's partly my fault too. I know, I know... didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. I've been independent all my life; and suddenly, within the last 5 or so years, I've had such a major meltdown -- especially with my co-dependence. I went from being perfectly happy alone, to clinging onto these men who could care less about me. I'm trying to work my way back from that, but it's easier said than done.

Most days are good, but I've relapsed a bit these last few days. Not enough to reach out to either of them (I learned my lesson with the second one; and the first one called me a few weeks ago, and won't be doing that again soon). I've reminisced about the conversations we used to have and the intimate moments we shared. I'm currently watching one of ex's favorite shows, and it is bittersweet.

I've been writing in a journal, in the tone of a letter to my second ex. With the first one, there was a lot of screaming and profanity. He knew exactly how I felt. Everyone within the vicinity knew how I felt -- his family, his friends, his co-workers, his new lover. I'm not angry with my second ex; though I'm just as hurt by what he did. So, there were no angry outbursts. Unfortunately, there wasn't much of an ending closure either. A few short messages, and that was it.

In my journal, I summed it up as so: "I've been hurting a lot... I look like I'm doing much better... However... I engage in a struggle just about every single day. I struggle in dealing with my emotions. Whether or not you intended to, and whether or not you realize it... you hurt me".

I've come to the realization that it is not either of them that I miss; but instead, the connection that (I thought) we shared.



I deserve better!

I'm done venting now. for allowing me to clear my head!

Tuffgirl

Big hugs, anon.

But I agree with you - it is partially your fault. Well...fault is not the right word here...how about it is partly your choice.

I hate to admit, but I have a similar pattern of choosing the most inappropriate men and then wonder why it doesn't work out. Sure, I can point the finger at them all day long, but bottom line is it was my choice to fall for their BS and get involved. It is my choice. For the past few months, I've been dating again after my divorce from my XAH last summer. And I can see the pattern so clearly now that I have disgusted myself and stopped dating because of it. I still have a lot of work to do, clearly!

But we aren't irreparable. That's the upside to it all! There is hope as long as I take this time to really learn what makes me tick; what makes me gravitate toward unhealthy men. Why I pass over the nice ones. Shoot, I have a great friend right now who'd love to date me - he's a wonderful man. And yet I hold him at arms length. *SIGH* these are the things I am working through in my own journey.

I am glad you are taking the steps to focus on you. Yes, you got hurt. Yes, it sucks. But at the end of the day, taking this time to figure yourself out is the greatest gift you can give to future you.

Way to go, and keep it up! Only good things can come from honest self introspection.
~T

AnonK

Thanks TuffGirl!

I get so caught up that I often don't notice the pattern until I'm already caught up in the web of lies and deceit.

I can push away guys that obviously don't meet my standards. The ones that make me tick. I have turned down a few dates recently for that reason. I seem to gravitate to the ones that take the time to disguise their BS.

I've stopped going to Al-Anon lately (due, in part, to a hectic schedule). Lately, I've been trying to keep myself busy. If I stay busy, I don't have the time or energy to focus on the chaos. I have picked up a copy of "Codependent No More" and will get around to reading it soon, hopefully.

BunnyNest

Thank you for sharing anonK.

Tuffgirl

I also recommend "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I have read it a handful of times already. It's blunt, to the point, and very well written.

I made my daughters read it too!
Ok, so now start to focus on the pattern itself from the first date on. Google 'red flags in dating' and read about all the little nuances that people use to deceive others, intentionally or not. I am getting good at picking it up very quickly now - well, at least before I agree to marry them!! ; )

Yes, yes, I do too. I think its a mix of thinking they are "smart" guys as well as being attracted to the arrogance that veils the massive insecurities underneath the facade. My last experience took only a few dates to be able to look at that guy and see it all clear as day.

It takes practice to identify these things and actually go against them. I have 41 years of patterns already set. That's a lot of rewiring to do!

AnonK

I'm on the verge of a codie relapse.

I've been trying to keep myself occupied. Spent quite some time on the SR boards earlier today. Been straightening up. Took a nap. Watched TV.

Nothing's working.

"I deserve better" and the Serenity Prayer are on repeat in my head. I do deserve better. I've worked hard to get to this point in my life. I also deserve not to be alone. I deserve to be happy. I shouldn't let the choices they have made for their lives affect mine.

I don't even know why I keep saying "them". It's not even the both of them. I'm very emotional (hurt/frustrated/shocked/disappointed) with how things ended with my second ex. I made peace with the situation with my first ex, but not with him (and I'm okay with that). Honestly, to this day, I still get angry at the thought of him. But he's out of my life. He's someone else's problem now.

I can't say the same about my second ex. I find myself wondering about how he's doing. Wondering how his recovery is going. Wondering if he's realized the extent of the hurt he's caused. I just wonder.

And then I have a civil war with myself. I shame myself for wondering about someone who doesn't care about me. Then, I say "How can I be so sure whether or not he cares". I've got examples that could argue either side of the question. I kick myself for going back and forth to the hardware store for bread.

I've got questions that I may never get the answer to.

**sigh**

Maybe I should , but I've got to get these thoughts out of my head sometimes. They drive me insane!

Thank you for listening!!!

choublak

Well...at least they were being honest enough. Some are like leeches and won't go away.

sunnshinegirl

AnonK, I can understand why you are thinking about him and wondering. I think that's just natural especially when life changes so much. I haven't even left yet and I'm already doing that - thinking back to the good days and reliving when it wasn't all bad and going over and over our good times and thinking why but then I still have my A here and he starts being a total control freak and raging and the light turns on in my head why I'm leaving and I've given it my best shot but he doesn't want to even talk about it and I can't wait until I'm free from all this conflict. One thing my therapist taught me was to take a balloon and put all that feeling inside it and then release it. Another thing that has worked for me is to journal all those feelings and then rip them up and move on to something I enjoy. It's so hard sometimes but you are amazing and been such a help to me and I admire you tremendously.

AnonK

Thanks for replying, Choublak. For some reason, your reply made me giggle for few minutes. I think it's because I read it in sarcastic (the funny kind) tone. I don't know, but what ever it was helped.

AnonK

I have to agree with you. It's second nature.

Yep. I went through that with my first ex. Ugh... But things were different with my second ex. It's hard to explain...


I might try that balloon idea. I do journal on occasion, but I keep it. Sometimes when I'm stuck in a rut it helps me to go back and reread what happened the last time I felt that way, and what got me out of it.

I'm also exploring a few new hobbies and planning a trip.

Why thank you! Those words mean more than you'll ever know.

Just remember something SunnshineGirl:

choublak

Glad it made you feel better. I was being half sarcastic, half serious. Unfortunately there are some people who take everything to a stalker level. It happened with my parents, and my mom was at the point where she was like, "by all means, please DO run for the hills and let me be in peace."

ZenMe

AnonK. I find myself feeling a lot like you when I'm lonely or what not. Going out with friends and staying active helps me.

As for patterns and things of that nature. I met this one woman and on my 3rd time meeting her she had some sort of rage filled yell scream thing she did, like as if she had been poked way too many times. There was absolutely no reason for this, in the past I would have brushed it off, ignored it or accepted a half baked explanation/apology. I went no contact with her.

So I feel I have grown a little bit in that respect, noticed the red flag and acted on it.

Argnotthisagain

About the BALLOON idea----
please, PLEASE, choose some other metaphor for release!! Balloons land, and animals are then in danger of ingesting the latex and dying from intestinal blockages.

Intestinal blockages are exquisitely painful--I have had extensive intestinal surgeries and can tell you this from personal experience.

Instead of endangering wildlife (or dogs and cats), why not write your thoughts on paper or bark and then burn them?

.............

Anyway, I definitely feel your pain, AnonK.

I'm not in a fabulous frame of mind today. The psychological splitting is very hard. That's where we can't believe that the wonderful guy is also this awful abuser. Our memories get stuck on the feelings of love, happiness, closeness and forget about the pain, fear, alienation, constant disappointment.

What's also hard about this for me is the fact that I can't trust I'll find anyone...I've always reacted with that negative belief, even when it was clearly not true. But, my desperation made it impossible for me to become comfortable enough with being alone. I don't just feel alone---I feel Abandoned on an Ice Floe.

It's even worse now, at my age. I really feel awful and old and unwanted. I deeply fear that this will be the rest of my life, now.... trying to make the best of being alone.

I still remember him and the good stuff as if it were recent. Not over 2 years ago!!! Am I a mental case, or what??

It's bad when I'm alone....getting to meetings or activities helps. YOu know what they say about hanging out alone in a bad neighborhood.

There's a helpful book called "How to Get Past Your Breakup; and Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You".

Thank you for sharing AnonK...it's good to know you're not the only one feeling these things.

sunnshinegirl

Argnotthisagain, thanks so much for sharing the facts about balloons. My therapist suggested it and I didn't think about it but now that I've read what you've written, I sure won't use that metaphor again. I would hate to think of animals suffering from eating a balloon.

dandylion

Thank you argnotthisagain, thank you for telling us about the balloons---I just had NO idea!!

I won't engage in this again....

dandylion

Argnotthisagain

I've thought of making origami paper birds or paper balloons...writing on the paper and then folding it... I bet you could hold the balloon over a candle and the hot air would make it float.

Or you could use them to make a mobile, or burn them or fill a jar with wishes.....

But I've written my wishes down many times. Only time I got the prayers answered was when the ExA showed up and *looked* like he fulfilled every one of them. That turned out to be a big wedgie from the Universe!

so, the point there is, none of that actually *makes* anything happen, but they're fun ideas and doing it fills a few hours.

Also, doing some kind of closure ritual...I think that should be understood as a symbol of YOUR arrival at a new understanding. Not as if the ritual will cause you to achieve that peace of mind, as if it were a "before and after" proposition.

dandylion

lmaoargnotthisagain---"a wedgie from the universe"

You have left me gasping for air......!!

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

After a good deal of work in Alanon and therapy I saw the problem was the men I picked. There was always a red light on the first or second date which I ignored (big time denial). When I asked my therapist why I wound up with two losers in a row, she said all women encounter men like this, they just don't go out with them again. I learned to listen to what a man said and run like hell if he was an active or recovering alcoholic.

AnonK

Oh wow, I didn't realize this thread got a resurgence. I've been away from the board a day or two.

Thanks to everyone for posting. I appreciate all the thoughts/suggestions/support.

brenteagle

Some times we become familiar with a curtain roll we need to play. Many time brought on in childhood . Many times its the caregiver