Wishful133

I almost wish he'd start drinking again. I feel like I'm married to a surly teenage boy. I am trying to detach, but how do you detach enough to not be hurt and still want to be with him? I can't bring this up to him either because it seems like everything is part of his recovery - including where he is going for 4 hours in the middle of the afternoon today while I would appreciate some help with the baby - and he doesn't want to talk about anything "recovery" with me. In fact, every time I question anything even totally unrelated to his drinking or recovery he gets upset. He's always tired even tho I'm the one who gets up with the baby, and it seems I'm always on his nerves somehow.

I wish I could tell him recovery does not give him a free pass to be a total a-hole but that would go very badly.

I know I'm whining. Just need a safe place to get it out today. I'm tired of feeling used.

Tuffgirl

Actually - there may come a point when you have to say something along these lines.

Yes, early recovery is tough. Just imagine if one day - you had to give up all your coping skills for life's stressors with nothing to replace them with? On top of that are the physical symptoms of recovery as the brain and body rights itself from years of reliance on a substance.

But no - it does not give one a free pass to be an a-hole or dump responsibilities on others that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.

m1k3

This was an interesting experience for me. The more I detached, the more I didn't allow myself to become part of the drama, the clearer reality became to me.

The more I could see things as they really were the less I wanted to be with her.

As someone posted here before. When you wring the alcohol out of an asshat you are often still left with an asshat.

I hope the best for his recovery and yours but remember not to let hope distort you vision of what's really right for you.

Your friend,

dandylion

Dear Wishful133---my heart sure does go out to you. I know, first hand, how early recovery seems to turn them into surly teenaged boys--very accurate description, in my opinion. I also, don't feel that they are entitled to be inconsiderate and irresponsible to their family----but, the reality is that they often ARE. They are operating without their main tool for coping with life, period. They do not cope well and they are usually self-centered to the most astounding extreme!!

Is this fair? He** NO! Nothing about alcoholism is fair. If you love and stick by an alcoholic, you have probably been getting the short end of the stick for a very long time.

Mush as I hate to say it---don't even look for fair, just yet. Look to survive. Your survival should be your first priority, right now. Getting himself straightened out has to be his. If he doesn't--he can't do anything--ever.

Hon, turn your head away from him. Let alanon teach you how to detach more and to LOWER YOUR CURRENT EXPECTATIONS OF HIM. Get into your own program--it is your only good bet for getting through this together. If it doesn't work out for the two of you together, at least, you will be gathering the strength and self-esteem it takes to make it on your own.

You have been damaged by his alcoholism, just as he has. You need attention and you need help. Turn to those who can and will give it to you. You are likely to be very disappointed if you continue to expect it from him during this period of time.

Check out this website: peggyferguson.marriage-family.com . Look for the articles on the left-hand side of the home page--called the addicted family. There are sme good articles about the stresses of early recovery on both partners.

I hope this helps, some.

dandylion

wicked

Hello Wishful,

I wonder if he started drinking as a teenager (like I did)?
I did not use that time to gain coping skills, I used my teenage years to get stupid drunk every chance I could.
His recovery is hard because drunk is what he knows, and unless he is replacing his drinking with recovery he will not be in recovery for long. I do not think dry drunk qualifies as recovery.

Dealing with my feelings and life on life's terms took a while for me. I am still learning to identify what certain feelings are!

Disappearing for hours at a time when he has a young child is not acceptable behavior to me.
What is acceptable to you? Being in recovery does not give you a
"not a father for now" card either. He is a parent. He is part of the partnership parenting a young child.

What program are you working for you? Surround yourself with AlAnon,
this is where your support is until he finds recovery,
and they will be there if he does not recover.

Take care of yourself. He may be a surly teenager for a while. You get to decide how long you have to deal with it.

Beth

Dublin

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say 'I hear you' I'm in a similar situation but without a very young child to care for. I find it very hard because I had placed so much belief in 'if only he would stop drinking everything would be fine' then he stopped drinking and guess what? But... And there is a but.. I'm glad to be here rather than in the chaos of drink and one thing that is easier now and that wise people here suggested was to now focus on my recovery. I'm still learning, still making mistakes but as he builds his recovery I am working on mine and I am getting better at detachment and also better at knowing what MY boundaries are and articulating them in a more calm fashion. We're at past 90 days for my RA and we have progress not perfection. Today is a good day and there are more and more good days and I wish the same for you.

wicked

Dublin,

Just wanted to say I am happy to hear this about you. Great news.
Keep working on you, and (I did not believe until it happens) everything will fall into place.

Beth

SoloMio

In my case, AH stopped drinking and smoking a week ago. It was fine. In fact, I thought it would be worse. Then today we started discussing a complex family situation which required some maturity, some ego-abandonment, and I saw right away I saw him thinking, as if there were a bubble above his head, "I NEED A DRINK"

I tried to mitigate by assuring him, "it will all work out. don't worry about it" even though I was the one who actually had the most to lose in this situation. I really felt like saying, "Come on, big boy. You made your bed, now you lie in it! But I didn't because that would have exacerbated the situation.

So, his answer? He left the house an hour ago and just came back. And I know he's been drinking.

So the answer is, sometimes I wish I had a husband who was more mature than my children. But I don't. And right now that's my choice.

And so I hear you. The free pass thing? Yeah, I get it. So I just go about my business until my own Higher Power tells me differently.

wicked

What would that look like to you SoloMio?
when your higher power tells you differently.

My message about recovering from alcohol and also an immature alcoholic husband,
was a voice, I know now, my own voice saying,
"You don't have to do this anymore."

I took that as I could be free, of my misery and that included my ex husband.
He was miserable too, but, he saw me as the problem to his misery.

And, wow! about the bubble over his head! I could read it in my ex's face too.
"I cannot wait to get out of here and medicate this feeling away."
I am sure that at times that look was on my face too.


Beth

Oh, I always seem to add something. LOL
You do not have to answer, I was just wondering, it sort of slowly crept up on me.
Like the sun rising.
Or when my depressive medication started to work.
Every day was a little less uh.....hopeless.
And every day I started to feel less helpless.
I am just meandering down the path now. I will stop.

Beth

SoloMio

Thank you, Beth. People like you ARE my higher power at work

wicked

You have helped me today SoloMio.
I see the group of recovery as my higher power.
I had trouble with the concept because my upbringing with a hypocritical Catholic.
so, now, it is the power and love of recovery working that gives me the ability to
hear my HP.

Bth

SoloMio

Falling Deeper Into Who I Am

I’m falling deeper into
Who I am
I thought I was
OK
Embedded in those Others
Embedded in those Big
Important Things
Comforting there
Isn’t it
Leaving I AM
Like a jacket
Left carelessly on the landing

But I’m falling deeper into
Who I am
Scary
Not comforting
Scary
Who am I anyway

But I go
Towards a beckoning
From God
Do it now!
God says

Do it now!
Or you’re done
Lost
In the Other
And therefore the question becomes...

Who were you
Anyway

And
Who might you become?