New to forum and have a sister who is an addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 32
New to forum and have a sister who is an addict.
Hi guys. New here and have been struggling in my personal life due to my parents enabling my sister. She is a 28 year old University graduate with a Bachelors in Pyschology. She never got a job after she graduated in 2010. Probably because she couldn't pass a drug test. She lives with my parents, stays locked in her room and smokes cigarettes all day. Oh and my stepfather bought her a brand new car last year. WHat?!?!?! 
Her boyfriend was arrested May 5 for Probation violation. He was on probation for having drugs on him. He is still in jail? She takes 30mg of Roxy a day and started taking Xanax 6 months ago... After my stepfather kicked her out and took her car away for stealing from them and pawning stuff for the 5th or 6th time, she went missing for 5 days. My older sister found her, they got into an argument, the police were called and she ended eating 3 Xanax before the cops got there. We had her taken to the hospital to have her lavaged. (charcoal to throw up) We tried to MarchMan act and everything fell through the cracks. My stepfather and mother stayed strong that it was detox/rehab or press charges. She went to 7 days Detox and I had a 90 inpatient program and a 6 month program lined up. She refused to go. Said she had signed up for a 28 day outpatient program that the detox facility. I stressed to my parents that they needed to stick to their guns and not allow her to do outpatient. I told them if she did not do inpatient and left detox then press charges and not let her come home. My mom stood firm and refused to go get her but my stepfather went yesterday to pick her up and take her to their farmhouse. 
I am sure he will give her the car back "so she can drive herself back and forth to OP" 
He is the weak link in our chain to try and get her help and she is using him against my mom. I am so mad at him and don't even want to talk to him anymore. He has been lying to my mom, and my older sister and I (she is his only child, we are his step daughter) about giving her money and stuff. 
Her boyfriend was arrested May 5 for Probation violation. He was on probation for having drugs on him. He is still in jail? She takes 30mg of Roxy a day and started taking Xanax 6 months ago... After my stepfather kicked her out and took her car away for stealing from them and pawning stuff for the 5th or 6th time, she went missing for 5 days. My older sister found her, they got into an argument, the police were called and she ended eating 3 Xanax before the cops got there. We had her taken to the hospital to have her lavaged. (charcoal to throw up) We tried to MarchMan act and everything fell through the cracks. My stepfather and mother stayed strong that it was detox/rehab or press charges. She went to 7 days Detox and I had a 90 inpatient program and a 6 month program lined up. She refused to go. Said she had signed up for a 28 day outpatient program that the detox facility. I stressed to my parents that they needed to stick to their guns and not allow her to do outpatient. I told them if she did not do inpatient and left detox then press charges and not let her come home. My mom stood firm and refused to go get her but my stepfather went yesterday to pick her up and take her to their farmhouse. I am sure he will give her the car back "so she can drive herself back and forth to OP" He is the weak link in our chain to try and get her help and she is using him against my mom. I am so mad at him and don't even want to talk to him anymore. He has been lying to my mom, and my older sister and I (she is his only child, we are his step daughter) about giving her money and stuff. 
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lexy, I am so sorry you and your family. Addiction truly is a family disease.
Take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of helpful information.
Just as you can't change your sister, you can't change your parents either. If love could save them none of us would be here. We just do not have the power, or the right, to change anyone except ourselves.
Something that may help you, and your family if they are interested, is to try some meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that helped many of us here to find our balance and learn healthy ways of surviving the pain of a loved one's addiction.
I'm glad you found us. Please know you are among friends here.
Hugs
Take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of helpful information.
Just as you can't change your sister, you can't change your parents either. If love could save them none of us would be here. We just do not have the power, or the right, to change anyone except ourselves.
Something that may help you, and your family if they are interested, is to try some meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that helped many of us here to find our balance and learn healthy ways of surviving the pain of a loved one's addiction.
I'm glad you found us. Please know you are among friends here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 16
Hi Lexy,
My sister is also an addict. She is 39 yo and she uses heroin, cocaine, prescription pills, whatever she can get her hands on.
Part of the struggle in dealing with addicts and their addiction is the struggle of dealing with parents and family members who enable and refuse to let go. It can be equally frustrating to deal with family members as it can be to deal with the addict. I have been telling my parents for over a year to go to Nar-Anon, stop trying to "fix" my unfixable sister, and just let her go. My Dad was on the brink of losing his mind last week and he finally (finally!!) agreed to not speak to my sister for the next 6 weeks. He was calling her three times a day for the past 12 months. But her craziness just took over his life (not surprisingly) and he finally reached a breaking point.
Ann is right -- just like you can't change your sister, you can't change your stepdad. It sucks. I have been wanting to save my Dad from himself all year. But I couldn't do it. He had to make that decision.
Anyway, I'm sorry that you are here, but I'm also glad that you found us.
A really great book that I'm reading right now is: Beverly Conyers, Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery. It's quite excellent. She is the mother of a heroin addict and she explains all about addiction, what it does to addicts and their families.
Another great book for parents (which you may want to get for your stepdad) is called: Don't Let Your Kids Kill You. I bought it for my Dad. I hope he reads it! (There I go again trying to save him from himself -oh well.)
Yours in the Struggle.
My sister is also an addict. She is 39 yo and she uses heroin, cocaine, prescription pills, whatever she can get her hands on.
Part of the struggle in dealing with addicts and their addiction is the struggle of dealing with parents and family members who enable and refuse to let go. It can be equally frustrating to deal with family members as it can be to deal with the addict. I have been telling my parents for over a year to go to Nar-Anon, stop trying to "fix" my unfixable sister, and just let her go. My Dad was on the brink of losing his mind last week and he finally (finally!!) agreed to not speak to my sister for the next 6 weeks. He was calling her three times a day for the past 12 months. But her craziness just took over his life (not surprisingly) and he finally reached a breaking point.
Ann is right -- just like you can't change your sister, you can't change your stepdad. It sucks. I have been wanting to save my Dad from himself all year. But I couldn't do it. He had to make that decision.
Anyway, I'm sorry that you are here, but I'm also glad that you found us.
A really great book that I'm reading right now is: Beverly Conyers, Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery. It's quite excellent. She is the mother of a heroin addict and she explains all about addiction, what it does to addicts and their families.
Another great book for parents (which you may want to get for your stepdad) is called: Don't Let Your Kids Kill You. I bought it for my Dad. I hope he reads it! (There I go again trying to save him from himself -oh well.)
Yours in the Struggle.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Your mom will need to establish boundaries with your stepdad just like she has with your sister.
If she doesn't, she will need to get used to the front row seat to the sad cycle of enabling and addiction.
If she doesn't, she will need to get used to the front row seat to the sad cycle of enabling and addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Our stories are similar. My mother is the enabler for my sister, who is also still living at home even though she's getting closer and closer to 30. I used to enable my sister a lot, and try to control her behavior - then when that wasn't working, I started trying to control my mom's behavior. At one point I was BEGGING my mom not to bail her out of jail, but my mom was far too enmeshed at that point to see clearly that her "help" is actually really hurting my sister.
It used to make me very angry. I was angry at my sister for using, and I was angry at my mother for not being able to see that she is slowly killing my sister. I wasn't able to see that my actions and my response to their actions were the only things I could control, and that doing so was the only way out of the chaos.
Eventually, I had to extremely limit contact with both of them. It wasn't healthy for me to have a front row seat to my sister's addiction, but it also wasn't healthy for me to get mired in my mother's ongoing drama around the issue, either. Essentially, I have to treat them both the same, although their illnesses are not necessarily identical, because the negative effects I am experiencing as a result are the same.
I know less about how my sister is doing, because I'm not participating in her life on the daily anymore, but I am doing much better. The distance and separation have allowed me to really take a look at why I was responding the way that I was responding, acknowledge my part in all of this, acknowledge the misdirection of all of my anger, and begin learning how I can foster a more healthy response to their behavior no matter what it is or what happens.
I'm glad that you found this forum. Keep posting, it really does help! You're not alone in this!
It used to make me very angry. I was angry at my sister for using, and I was angry at my mother for not being able to see that she is slowly killing my sister. I wasn't able to see that my actions and my response to their actions were the only things I could control, and that doing so was the only way out of the chaos.
Eventually, I had to extremely limit contact with both of them. It wasn't healthy for me to have a front row seat to my sister's addiction, but it also wasn't healthy for me to get mired in my mother's ongoing drama around the issue, either. Essentially, I have to treat them both the same, although their illnesses are not necessarily identical, because the negative effects I am experiencing as a result are the same.
I know less about how my sister is doing, because I'm not participating in her life on the daily anymore, but I am doing much better. The distance and separation have allowed me to really take a look at why I was responding the way that I was responding, acknowledge my part in all of this, acknowledge the misdirection of all of my anger, and begin learning how I can foster a more healthy response to their behavior no matter what it is or what happens.
I'm glad that you found this forum. Keep posting, it really does help! You're not alone in this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 32
Thanks everyone. She is on Day 3 of outpatient and went to an NA meeting where she apologized to my parents and told everyone her sisters saved her life. My sister is stubborn so I'm hoping she will be stubborn about never going back to pills. I pray for her several times a day. Unfortunately we are still skeptical and don't trust her right now. She has lied to our face so many times. We can only take one day at a time but I have accepted that I have to distance myself from it all because my daughter needs me to be here for her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 32
ooops she did it again!
Guess who is back!!!
Yes my sister did 26 of her 28 day OP program. Probably wasn't clean for a day or 2 out of detox. My parents have been letting her and her boyfriend live in their farmhouse rent free. She hasn't been working. and now Friday she stole from my parents again and took stuff to pawn shop. She called her best friend in Fla begging for help who then called me. The only reason she said she wanted help because she thought they were pressing charges. They didn't press charges and are now letting her wait until "after Christmas" to go to rehab and letting her pick where she wants to go.
I am BEYOND OVER IT. I just can't even talk to them about it anymore.
Anyway Just venting and I hate to say I told them so but I told them so!!!
Yes my sister did 26 of her 28 day OP program. Probably wasn't clean for a day or 2 out of detox. My parents have been letting her and her boyfriend live in their farmhouse rent free. She hasn't been working. and now Friday she stole from my parents again and took stuff to pawn shop. She called her best friend in Fla begging for help who then called me. The only reason she said she wanted help because she thought they were pressing charges. They didn't press charges and are now letting her wait until "after Christmas" to go to rehab and letting her pick where she wants to go.
I am BEYOND OVER IT. I just can't even talk to them about it anymore.
Anyway Just venting and I hate to say I told them so but I told them so!!!
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