FreeFall

I have a friend who is struggling with big time health issues which I think are caused, or at least complicated, by alcohol. The more we learn, the more we think she's been drinking and hiding it for years and this is the result.

Her friends and family don't know how to help or what to do. She did go to a treatment program for a very short time, but I don't think she has done any follow up besides trying to quit on her own (she says she knows it's dangerous, but I think she keeps trying and that's what's causing some of the issues). I've tried to get her on here with no results. I actually stopped myself hoping we could be quitting buddies together after being drinking buddies for years.

I spoke with an addiction doctor and he basically told me she has to want to stop for herself, and at this stage she needs to be honest and work with a primary care doctor who understands alcoholism. I don't think she's ready, she and her mom are in denial for the most part, and we're all scared.

I'm just wondering if it's more helpful to her to just sit back and do nothing and let the consequences create a situation where she'll have to take action to help herself? It feels weird to not be supportive to a close friend, but she is not responding to anything we've tried to do to help. Anyone been through this?

Dee74

I don't know if it's a 'best' thing, but sometimes nothing is all we can do I think.

I know I didn't do anything until I accepted I had to.

It's incredibly hard to stand by and watch, I know.

We can share our experience if it's asked for, or we can give support if the person wants us too...but sometimes it's simply not our job to be doing anything, FF?

D

Jeni26

I think this is the hardest thing. I'm having to do this with my brother and also a couple of friends.

It's not what I want to be doing, but I have to accept there really is no alternative. We can't 'make' someone better or 'love' them sober. If only....

Best wishes to you x

FreeFall

Thanks for the wise words. It is so hard to watch-like watching a train wreck. I think it is also hard because the reality is that sometimes it makes me want to drink with her, and I don't want to feel that way. We had a lot of fun in the "good old days" before alcohol started taking the upper hand.

Dee, sometimes it's hard to know what your job is while trying to be a good friend!!

least

I agree that there's not much we can 'do' to help if they don't want help themselves. I certainly didn't. Take care of yourself.

Nighthawk8820

Sadly, with addiction, you cant force anyone to make changes, they have to want it BAD on their own. It can be super frustrating, but in my own recovery I have learned to just let go and that I cant control or make people do anything they dont want to do. You tried and that was very nice of you, but now its up to her. Hopefully she will get to the point of wanting to get sober, but if not, know it wasn't your fault in any way. Let it go, give it to god, and move on for now.

awuh1

Well contrary to what has been stated here I think there are things you can do. I agree that she has to want to stop. However, your example can help to foster that motivation. Tell her how things are better for you and other people you know who have stopped. Go to a few AA meetings, and then offer to go with her. Is she depressed? There are times when depressed people see no other way to feel any better other than to put alcohol in their bodies. There are lots of very effective treatments for a variety of mental health issues. Some think alcohol is the only solution.

In short you can’t save her, but keep trying and keep looking for ways to help. Most of all let her know you are there for her if there is anything you can do. I think that’s the least we can offer when another is suffering and faces the prospect of an alcohol induced death.

hypochondriac

I think your example is the best encouragement FreeFall. I knew three recovering alcoholics before I quit and although I was only ever honest with one of them those people helped me more than they'll ever know on the path to sobriety. It took me time to get to that point but there were certain things that were said which stuck with me and kind of planted a seed. It's very nice of you to care for your friend but I think we have a tendency to want to fix everyone else once we're sober and it's easy to forget how long it took us to get here x

FreeFall

I have really tried not to be that person that tries to fix anyone because I stopped. I know how hard it is, and I know how long it took me. I rarely even talk about not drinking unless someone brings it up and asks me something directly.The only reason I'm involved and there is a sense of urgency in this case is because she's one of my best friends, and because I think something seriously bad is going to happen.

It's good to vent here and get feedback, as I see her a lot and I often am in a quandary about how to respond to her. It helps to hear other perspectives on the situation.