theuncertainty

..... It's has been 14 months since DS's last visit with his father (my AXH); 14 months since I got a phone call from DS crying begging me to come get him, come get him NOW. It's been 11 months since AXH even tried to call and speak to DS. About a year since his GF kicked him out, got a protective order against him, and since the court took away any visitation, supervised or not.

Other than the non-payment of child support for most of that time, it's been a very good year. Quiet, healing for both DS and I. (Other than a weird (stalking?) thing by another guy. Which I might need to vent about in a bit.)

Like all good things, that quiet may be ending. I got an email from him this afternoon saying things have been going good, he's living with his dad, asking if we could set up a time, he's working from 10 am to 11 pm for a few airlines. He needs to be in DS's life.

Currently, I feel quite strong that I am not replying. I do not need to reply. AXH has to go back to court to tell them what recovery work he's done for his addiction(s) and prove he's done the court ordered abuser's counseling before he can see DS again. I'm not even tempted to respond to remind him that's the requirement.

His email did not say anything about recovery work. It didn't say anything about having attended the court ordered counseling. So I am sure nothing has changed on that front. I am a bit ticked that he's working that many hours but not paying support. (The state finally caught up with him and we just got a partial payment.). That he says he's doing good but doesn't ask how DS has been. But it shows just how much he hasn't changed: it's all about him and what _he_ needs. *shrug*

......

Hmmmm.... I still hate him. But it's not a white-hot rage-hate anymore, at least not right now. I suppose that's progress of a sort. But I'm not sure how else I feel about this.

Well, I think that's about it. I just needed to 'talk' about it. Thanks.

Recovering2

Just because he sends you an email...doesn't mean you're obligated to reply. Let the legal system handle it. You're right. It's not your responsibility to remind him of his obligations. Let the state catch up with him employment wise and support wise. Keep them informed of what you learn re:his employment. But it's not your job to remind him.

Sounds like he has several steps to complete,and he's trying to find a short cut by emailing you directly. Don't let him away with that. Keep the focus on the needs of you and your son. You're doing great.

lillamy

Yup. He e-mails you and says things are going well. Good for him.
He knows what steps he has to take in order to see his son.
If he doesn't know, he needs to find out.
Don't respond would be my advice.

I know how hard it is in this state to get to the point you've gotten to. I would stick rock hard to my guns and make him go through the proper process. And big hugs. I can imagine the stress and mixed emotions you're going through.

theuncertainty

Man, oh man, I'm tired. I'm not going to respond. He can contact the court to figure out what he needs to do... or complain that I'm "keeping his son from him", which is more likely... But, even with the posts about Father's Day, and spending the day with my Dad, I just realized why he contacted me about needing to be in DS's life.

wicked

Of course, because that is entirely, completely, absolutely and fully HIS responsibility.

Father's Day?
Please. help. me.

Where is the smiley where you laugh so hard your ears bleed?
LOL

I swear they can just be so absurd sometimes, it just boggles the mind.
You have come so far uncertainty.
Lillamy is right, in your state, you got great stuff going on for you and your son.
Keep it up.

Beth

Praying for strength for you and your son.

Katiekate

He needs someone to fight with.

It's bait.

ShootingStar1

Seems like nothing's happened, so nothing's happened. All he did was text, and that counts as nothing.

Balls in his court to prove his rehabilitation to the Court.

I'd say go happily back to no contact.

ShootingStar1

LexieCat

Yup, sounds like one of those self-pitying gestures that alcoholics make now and then--poor me, I really need for my life to be different, but none of that is up to me.

Nothing that requires a response on your part.

Hugs,

BlueSkies1

I guess he thinks that partial payment is enough to make you cave in and let him see DS without the required court stuff?
Good try buddy, but no go.

theuncertainty

.... I just need to share.... DS and I stopped at a specialty grocery store for a treat on the way home. As we're heading in, DS pipes up that the last time he'd been there was with his dad and the kids of AXH's now ex-GF. They'd ridden bikes over to the store.

So I asked if Grandfather or GF rode with them. (Because that was the terms of the visitation. The GF, my xFIL or xSIL were supposed to supervise. They were to be within sight or sound of DS while he was with his dad.) The response was 'No one else. GF was working and Grandfather was gone.' What? DS repeated that it was just him, AXH, and the kids.

For like 1/2 a minute the thought was 'How DARE they? How dare they endanger DS by disregarding the court order; fail to do what they agreed to do so that AXH could see DS.'

Then I remembered: DS is safe. He hasn't seen AXH, his grandfather or aunt or the GF since April 2012.

I guess what I'm left with is I just don't understand that family. And DS is confused about just who Grandfather and his aunt are.

'Is he Uncle L?' 'Nope, babe, Grandpa L.'
'Mom, do you remember that lady with the dog named T?' 'You mean your Aunt?' 'She was my aunt??' 'Yes, sweetie.'

The few times we saw them each year, they'd always pushed how they were Family. It was so important to stick by family (ie cover up for AXH). Now, over 1.5 years go by without them seeing DS. Almost a quarter of DS's life. It's not like we live across the country from them.

Don't get me wrong, I'M glad I don't have to see them. But I'm sad that DS doesn't have a grandfather, aunts or uncles from 1/2 of his family. But I'm not very sad, because it's for the best, I think. And he is surrounded by family that love him and cherish him.

So, not really a vent. I don't know what it is other than just needing to tell some one.

Stung

Hugs. My AH's family is like that too; hard core enabers. And they lack the self awareness and communication skills to understand that something is seriously wrong with a member of the family and that above all, the CHILDREN, not the adults, should be protected. As of current, they're all concerned that AH will be alone for Christmas (the travesty!!!) and none of them have even asked about our girls, they don't care to see them or even call. So much for "family" huh? Good thing your son has a strong mom like you to take care of him and always keep his best interests as your top priority. Keep doing what you're doing mama.

dandylion

theuncertainty---you have come such a long way! Stick to your guns, girl. It seems that he will do anything to short-cut his responsibilities or to find a weak-link in the system that he can exploit.

It is good that your son has you to put his welfare first!!!

dandylion