My First Post - sad wife
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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My First Post - sad wife
I've been reading here today and makes me feel like it might help me to reach out to others. Will try to keep it simple but please ask questions if I don't say enough. I'm going to change a few details for privacy also. I'm married to my best friend. We have been together 3 years. Married for only 5 months now. I love him, we have a good life, he works very hard, the one hiccup is that every week like clockwork on Friday he will come home after going to the bar with friends. The drinking isnt seeming out of control, but he comes home high on cocaine. He buys it for the weekend and uses Friday night and Saturday. Then he comes down on Sunday and is ready for work on Monday. Friday he comes home and is upbeat, always excited to take me out to dinner and he gets very romantic. It's usually a good night except part of me questions if it's real. Saturday he will use during the day, and by Saturday night he has changed. He becomes aggressive, sexually charged up, and sometimes mean to me. It's the opposite of Friday and I always feel like I'm some object to him, to just take what he wants. I've told him my feelings over and over while he is high, and all he does is threaten to leave and go find another object, or asks if I want him to buy someones affections instead of giving it to me. How I dont love him, begins to say he thinks Im cheating on him and thats why I try to push him away. I think he means all of it too when he says it. A few times he has left and I know he has ended up at a local bar. I could t stand it and would go there after him. Now it's all routine and I've quit arguing. By Sunday he is in a tired, bad mood and if I try to talk romhim, he never seems to revognize anything I say is a problem. He feels I overreact, says he needs to let off frustration from his tough work week, he loves me and needs me, and is sorry if he makes me feel unloved, but that I need to loosen up. he will quietly stay in the house all day. I dont think I can live like this much longer. Sometimes I want him to cheat on me so I have a reason to leave him, and then I hate myself for thinking this. He is a good man, and kind to me, generous, all through the week he is everything wonderful, but it's like he turns into someone else one day a week. I now feel anxious when the weekend comes. I want him to realize he has a problem and see what is happening. Please if anyone can help tell me how to get through to him.
I had been reading some on relationship sites, and The other day I watched a Dr Phil show. I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet. I've read on cocaine and I know it is responsible for making him like this. I wonder how it can change him this much, because there must be some part of him that is open to it, or maybe the drug is that powerful, dont know if it matters. Any advice welcome and please tell me if you think my husband is addicted to this stuff, what can I do to help him quit using it.
I had been reading some on relationship sites, and The other day I watched a Dr Phil show. I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet. I've read on cocaine and I know it is responsible for making him like this. I wonder how it can change him this much, because there must be some part of him that is open to it, or maybe the drug is that powerful, dont know if it matters. Any advice welcome and please tell me if you think my husband is addicted to this stuff, what can I do to help him quit using it.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Well, One, I was the opposite side of your equation in a 10-year marriage that ended in divorce.
My weekend blowouts eventually became twice-weekly then daily and then nonstop.
I think you are scared of a pattern developing that will eventually escalate into a paradigm that many couples dealing with substance abuse end up in.
There is a wonderful Friends and Family section here where you will find more support from those in your shoes.
I can only think of one thing that could have happened in my marriage to avoid calamity, and that was for me to quit drinking and doing drugs. I didn't do that, even when confronted by my spouse that I needed to quit or end the marriage.
I just didn't think I was that bad, didn't think it was that big of a problem, that I worked hard, I was successful, I was loving, I just needed, in my case, my premium beers of marijuana and the ability to unwind after an incredibly stressful work week.
It's a progressive beast. After the divorce I ended up becoming a fall-down, ****-my-pants, crack-open-my-head kind of drunk. Not pretty.
I really don't know how to offer support, and think that's where SR's Friends and Family Forum comes in, but I do think if you are seeing unacceptable patterns after a few months of marriage things can and probably will progress into some real heartache without some strong intervention.
Good luck.
My weekend blowouts eventually became twice-weekly then daily and then nonstop.
I think you are scared of a pattern developing that will eventually escalate into a paradigm that many couples dealing with substance abuse end up in.
There is a wonderful Friends and Family section here where you will find more support from those in your shoes.
I can only think of one thing that could have happened in my marriage to avoid calamity, and that was for me to quit drinking and doing drugs. I didn't do that, even when confronted by my spouse that I needed to quit or end the marriage.
I just didn't think I was that bad, didn't think it was that big of a problem, that I worked hard, I was successful, I was loving, I just needed, in my case, my premium beers of marijuana and the ability to unwind after an incredibly stressful work week.
It's a progressive beast. After the divorce I ended up becoming a fall-down, ****-my-pants, crack-open-my-head kind of drunk. Not pretty.
I really don't know how to offer support, and think that's where SR's Friends and Family Forum comes in, but I do think if you are seeing unacceptable patterns after a few months of marriage things can and probably will progress into some real heartache without some strong intervention.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Welcome OneNight - we're so glad to have you here. It's good that you reached out - you're never alone.
As Memphis pointed out, do have a look at the Friends & Family Forum. There will be many who are dealing with a similar situation. I've been on both sides of this thing - I am sorry for the hurt and confusion you're trying to cope with. Please let us know how it's going and keep posting.
As Memphis pointed out, do have a look at the Friends & Family Forum. There will be many who are dealing with a similar situation. I've been on both sides of this thing - I am sorry for the hurt and confusion you're trying to cope with. Please let us know how it's going and keep posting.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Thank you very much for your reply. You are sober now. Im sorry that you lost your wife before that happened. Yes I fear he will get worse also. It will stop being only one night and progress. So far it hasnt happened, but it scares me, and I have been thinking about some sort of intervention but I dont know how to do that or where to start. I dont want him to destroy himself with these drugs. he has so much to lose. he cannot see how he changes when he uses. I wish I could even thump him over the head to make him see but he is so blind to it. I will look at the family section, I thought I was supposed to post here first maybe. happy you are better now.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
One, please post wherever you like. It ensures getting a broad spectrum of responses from those in recovery and those who are our victims.
And I lost a lot more than a wife before I cold get sober. I think the best advice I could offer is to be honest with yourself and your husband about your feelings at all times. I know that's hared to do. Many tread carefully around someone else's substance use so as to not set them off.
Outside help is always a great idea. If you can't tell him yourself about your fears, maybe you can with the support of a trained professional.
Again, my ex-wife tried that to no avail, but you might have better success.
I don't mean to paint a bleak picture, just that my picture was bleak. The only message to take away from my story is that if he is an alcoholic and drug addict like me, there are stages I went through. I was quite functional, successful actually, during the height of my use. But it is a progressive disease and will take an exacting, unrelenting toll. If you try talking to him about your concerns, he might very well respond that, hey, I'm not that bad. I work, I care for others, I don't have arrests, haven't lost my job, etc.
In the recovery program I follow, we always tell those who utter those phrases -- phrases we all ourselves have said -- to just add the word "yet."
And I lost a lot more than a wife before I cold get sober. I think the best advice I could offer is to be honest with yourself and your husband about your feelings at all times. I know that's hared to do. Many tread carefully around someone else's substance use so as to not set them off.
Outside help is always a great idea. If you can't tell him yourself about your fears, maybe you can with the support of a trained professional.
Again, my ex-wife tried that to no avail, but you might have better success.
I don't mean to paint a bleak picture, just that my picture was bleak. The only message to take away from my story is that if he is an alcoholic and drug addict like me, there are stages I went through. I was quite functional, successful actually, during the height of my use. But it is a progressive disease and will take an exacting, unrelenting toll. If you try talking to him about your concerns, he might very well respond that, hey, I'm not that bad. I work, I care for others, I don't have arrests, haven't lost my job, etc.
In the recovery program I follow, we always tell those who utter those phrases -- phrases we all ourselves have said -- to just add the word "yet."
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
I believe that the first step to becoming who we want to be is admitting there's a problem, whatever that problem may be. You've done that so now what's your plan? Stay unhappy or start raising the flag for a better shore? Welcome to SR 
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I used to be your husband. Same pattern of substance abuse until it consumed every aspect of my life. The only thing that got me to clean up was when my gf at the time gave me an ultimatum to either clean up my act or she was leaving. I didn't clean up my act and she left. Finally, I then got help and went to rehab. I think you have to give him an ultimatum.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1
Hi. New here. Just around 6 1/2 months. I too was on the other end of this spectrum and now that I am sober the wheels are starting ro reverse. My advice to you is start going to Al-Anon ASAP. You will need the support of others and help defining boundaries to do whatever is best for you.
For awhile, make plans on the weekend. Immerse yourself in things and peopke that make you feel goid about you. Be patient and the time will come when you can have a true heart to heart with him... When he is sober. Maybe Thursday would be good or Wednesday. I second what others say it will only increase in frequency and in volume if he does not seek help. Right now it sounds like he really does not see his dribking and using as a problem. Its just stress relief. Trust me as an addict and alcoholic, this is such a dangerous frame of mind as no real consequence have sunk in, so why stop?
For awhile, make plans on the weekend. Immerse yourself in things and peopke that make you feel goid about you. Be patient and the time will come when you can have a true heart to heart with him... When he is sober. Maybe Thursday would be good or Wednesday. I second what others say it will only increase in frequency and in volume if he does not seek help. Right now it sounds like he really does not see his dribking and using as a problem. Its just stress relief. Trust me as an addict and alcoholic, this is such a dangerous frame of mind as no real consequence have sunk in, so why stop?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by OneNightAWeek 
I've been reading here today and makes me feel like it might help me to reach out to others. Will try to keep it simple but please ask questions if I don't say enough. I'm going to change a few details for privacy also. I'm married to my best friend. We have been together 3 years. Married for only 5 months now. I love him, we have a good life, he works very hard, the one hiccup is that every week like clockwork on Friday he will come home after going to the bar with friends. The drinking isnt seeming out of control, but he comes home high on cocaine. He buys it for the weekend and uses Friday night and Saturday. Then he comes down on Sunday and is ready for work on Monday. Friday he comes home and is upbeat, always excited to take me out to dinner and he gets very romantic. It's usually a good night except part of me questions if it's real. Saturday he will use during the day, and by Saturday night he has changed. He becomes aggressive, sexually charged up, and sometimes mean to me. It's the opposite of Friday and I always feel like I'm some object to him, to just take what he wants. I've told him my feelings over and over while he is high, and all he does is threaten to leave and go find another object, or asks if I want him to buy someones affections instead of giving it to me. How I dont love him, begins to say he thinks Im cheating on him and thats why I try to push him away. I think he means all of it too when he says it. A few times he has left and I know he has ended up at a local bar. I could t stand it and would go there after him. Now it's all routine and I've quit arguing. By Sunday he is in a tired, bad mood and if I try to talk romhim, he never seems to revognize anything I say is a problem. He feels I overreact, says he needs to let off frustration from his tough work week, he loves me and needs me, and is sorry if he makes me feel unloved, but that I need to loosen up. he will quietly stay in the house all day. I dont think I can live like this much longer. Sometimes I want him to cheat on me so I have a reason to leave him, and then I hate myself for thinking this. He is a good man, and kind to me, generous, all through the week he is everything wonderful, but it's like he turns into someone else one day a week. I now feel anxious when the weekend comes. I want him to realize he has a problem and see what is happening. Please if anyone can help tell me how to get through to him.
I had been reading some on relationship sites, and The other day I watched a Dr Phil show. I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet. I've read on cocaine and I know it is responsible for making him like this. I wonder how it can change him this much, because there must be some part of him that is open to it, or maybe the drug is that powerful, dont know if it matters. Any advice welcome and please tell me if you think my husband is addicted to this stuff, what can I do to help him quit using it.
I had been reading some on relationship sites, and The other day I watched a Dr Phil show. I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet. I've read on cocaine and I know it is responsible for making him like this. I wonder how it can change him this much, because there must be some part of him that is open to it, or maybe the drug is that powerful, dont know if it matters. Any advice welcome and please tell me if you think my husband is addicted to this stuff, what can I do to help him quit using it.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thank you everyone. I do want opinions from all sides because I have trouble understanding the blindness of my husband. I guess he is in denial that there is a problem. It may not be affecting his work, or anything else in his life right now, but it is affecting me, his wife and it is affecting our relationship. Im not ready to call it quits with him, but something has to change. I think I need some time to figure out what but at least like someone said Im admitting there is a problem.
I think one of the reasons I dont want to up and leave on Saturday when all hits the fan is because Im afraid for what he will do. Will he go out and find someone at the bar? will he bring someone into our home? will he get in an accident while driving ? what do I do if I know he has cheated on me, and the way this drug affects him it is truly like he is possessed and has no idea what he is doing. I know he does at some level but not clearly I dont think.
thank you all for the support, I was feeling guilty over posting here and thought Id get laughed at over my once a week problem, but it is very real to me.
I think one of the reasons I dont want to up and leave on Saturday when all hits the fan is because Im afraid for what he will do. Will he go out and find someone at the bar? will he bring someone into our home? will he get in an accident while driving ? what do I do if I know he has cheated on me, and the way this drug affects him it is truly like he is possessed and has no idea what he is doing. I know he does at some level but not clearly I dont think.
thank you all for the support, I was feeling guilty over posting here and thought Id get laughed at over my once a week problem, but it is very real to me.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: northern virginia
Posts: 535
hey, one night...
i'm sorry you're going through this, but i'm glad you found your way here.
many, many years ago, i would have my face deep in a pile of cocaine whenever possible. and i most definitely turned into a completely different, and very scary, person than i actually am. it's a powerful drug.
i wish i had some guidance for you, but the best i can do is offer my strength and hope that you find a way that works for you to get to the other side of this. i'm sure you'll find that here on SR. he can change, but he's going to need to do that himself... just keep yourself safe (by whatever means necessary) and stick around here for the support you need.
peace to you...
i'm sorry you're going through this, but i'm glad you found your way here.
many, many years ago, i would have my face deep in a pile of cocaine whenever possible. and i most definitely turned into a completely different, and very scary, person than i actually am. it's a powerful drug.
i wish i had some guidance for you, but the best i can do is offer my strength and hope that you find a way that works for you to get to the other side of this. i'm sure you'll find that here on SR. he can change, but he's going to need to do that himself... just keep yourself safe (by whatever means necessary) and stick around here for the support you need.
peace to you...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thank you all. I know he can stop this, but I dont think he can see what he is doing, how he changes. That is the most frustrating thing. This weekend has been the same as usual so far, and he is home and been doing work here and I know getting high all day. He is more agitated and that builds up and up.
I appreciate the ideas from you all, and I am going to have to figure out how and when is a better way to try to talk to him. There has to be something. It helps to know that after the fact some of you are saying, I wish I had listened to my wife or girlfriend, but really you didnt hear it either at the time. I know at least Im not insane.
I appreciate the ideas from you all, and I am going to have to figure out how and when is a better way to try to talk to him. There has to be something. It helps to know that after the fact some of you are saying, I wish I had listened to my wife or girlfriend, but really you didnt hear it either at the time. I know at least Im not insane.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: northern virginia
Posts: 535
one night, is there any place you can go tonight to get out of the situation? if he's high, you probably shouldn't talk to him about it tonight anyway, and i'm worried for you staying there with him with the saturday night behaviors you describe...
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