FourEyes

Hello -

I just need to vent. I'm 600 miles away from my family and I'm at the end of my rope with my husband of one full month. Like a lot of people, he's a great guy when he's not drinking. He's thoughtful, sweet and fun to be around. Then he changes when he drinks and he finds any excuse to drink.

I feel like I don't have a husband and I'm beginning to become indifferent toward him. He's been passing out on the couch nearly every night, then yells at me because he doesn't think that I try to wake him up. (to disprove this theory, I took a video of myself shaking him, calling his name trying to wake him up).

Last night I didn't speak to him because he treated himself to a 30 pack of the crappiest beer he could find. I already wasn't speaking to him anyway because he essentially called me a wh*re before I left for work in the morning yesterday and blames me for his wanting to drink.

He also likes to comment on my weight, asking me "You hungry? I know you must be hungry." He makes fun of the city where I grew up, saying that we are all white trash. I feel like he looks down his nose at me because his family USED to have money and he USED to be spoiled.

And he's really mean to my dog. He's constantly yelling at the dog, threatening me that he'll let the dog out of the house, saying his dog (now deceased) was the best dog ever and that my dog is a piece of...you get the idea.

One more thing is that he tries to guilt me into taking him places to go buy beer. He's got a bad back (another reason for drinking), and the closest liquor store is about a mile away. He threatens to walk or drive there (and mind you, our street is full of police since its a 30 mph speed trap). I'm sorry, but I'm practical and I know that I can't bail him out, so I fold most times and take him.

He finally got a full time job in December, and now touts the fact that he makes money and he has the right to spend his money on whatever he wants. He still makes half of what I do and yet I feel like I'm getting stuck with all of the bills while he's blowing, on average, $240/month on alcohol and heaven knows how much on cigarettes. And he still can't seem to take care of his own bills, let alone shared bills. I haven't had a haircut since September because we're scraping by.

I'm proud of him for getting a job and I realize that he does have some things that would cause worry (a DUI case being one, mother with cancer, etc).

I've told him that I will be there for him, but the drinking needs to stop because I'm tired of being a babysitter and a (verbal) punching bag. He keeps promising me that he'll stop. He says that he only says mean things because he knows that it'll hurt me and that bad attention is better than no attention.

I'm worn out. I have a therapy appointment on Tuesday. I just feel like he's drained the life out of me. I keep holding on because I guess I'm in love with the guy that I know he can be. I get jealous seeing happy couples. I have no interest in anyone else, I just want a sober husband.

I told him I will divorce him if things don't change because I deserve to be happy. He then said that there must be another guy (unfortunately, I had a boyfriend when I met my husband, but the ex and I broke up soon after I refused to marry him). He also said that if I left him, he'd kill himself - yay manipulation!! I don't deserve the verbal abuse, I don't deserve being woken up in the middle of the night; I deserve to be treated with respect.

I'm sorry if this is a bit ramble-ish. If you've read this, then thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

Nonsensical

Welcome.

Boy, that's a lot going on. I don't have any useful advice,except maybe you would find the family and friends of addicts forum useful.

Best of Luck!

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear of your situation. Did all these issues just emerge in the one month you've been married?

joygirl

You've only been married a month?

"I'm in love with the guy I know he can be."

He is the guy he can be, right now. That's who he is. You may be in love with someone who doesn't exist.

No one deserves to be treated like you are. Get to therapy asap!

SnwFlower

I am also surprised that you've only been married for one month and all of this horrible stuff is happening. Has the relationship always been this way, even before you married? It sounds miserable and verbally abusive. Seems like seeing a therapist should be of utmost importance. Like others mentioned, there is a great friends and family forum on here.

FourEyes

Thanks for letting me know about the family and friends forum!

He's had trouble with drinking and his parents are alcoholics. He had laid off a bit because he had found out that he's epileptic and now takes seizure meds. Well, let me tell you, now that he's on the meds, he begins to get sloppy after two or three beers.

It is pretty miserable. I'm really regretting the marriage. He actually told me that since we got married, he OWNS me and to look it up in the Bible if I didn't believe him. And a lot of this super-agro behavior is fairly recent. He has even taken to hiding my rings when he's mad at me.

I don't understand how/why he would speak to me the way he does, but then want to spend time with me??

doggonecarl

I'm sure the meds weren't made to be taken with alcohol. Not to excuse behavior, but to illustrate how bad it's gotten that he would continue to drink and endanger his health.

This is what you got. It will likely get worse. It will only get better if he decides he needs to quit. Nothing you say, do, or threaten will change his drinking.

Count your blessings that you don't have a child. One month, huh? I would bail on this person faster than I'd leave a sinking boat.

SNST

I have to agree with Carl. I would get out now, if he's already abusive only 1 month into your marriage its gonna get worse before it gets better. I was married to a verbally abusive man too, it DID get worse, he got physically abusive. It only took me as long as it took to pack my things to get away from him. Maybe if he would stop drinking & get counseling it would change, but until HE'S ready to change nothing good will come from it. Good Luck Foureyes

LazyBonez

I'm just wondering why you married this guy a month ago in the first place? I mean you must have been going through all this crap before a month ago.... right? He sounds like an a******. I mean I'm the worst of the worst as far as addiction goes... but I've never said any of the stupid crap that he says to you. That's just weak. If I were you, I would tell him either stop drinking right this instant, or you'll leave him. Not just a threat... but really do. And don't waste time. Who cares if he threatens to kill himself... that's his problem. And that's the lamest thing he can possibly say.. "I'll kill myself if you leave me"... That's about as childish as it gets.

I'm not a female though... and I'm not so soft hearted anymore. I've been through enough BS to let anybody bring me down like that. Those tactics that he is using would never work on me. Be the stronger one.

AllieB

Truth!

Maybe, among other reasons, good and bad, to have someone whom he can treat that way?

His reasons could take lots of therapy to unpack. But, I think the more important question is, do you want to stay around to be treated like that? Because, while you can't control him, you can protect yourself.


Not to be alarmist, but maybe you want to think about having an exit strategy in place in case things get worse? Talking to friends (your friends, not friends that you two share as a couple) about what's going on and if you could stay with them if needed, squirreling away a little money someplace he can't find it, getting a credit card that is in your name only, identifying a local shelter, etc. You can even get a PO Box so that you can have financial things sent to you secretly there if you need.
Just in case...you didn't say anything about feeling physically unsafe, but there are some red flags there, and it's good to have a plan in place for a worst case scenario.

(Sorry if that sounds a little melodramatic. I hope this is just a very ugly and very temporary phase. I just know that people can, especially if they are far away from family and operating on a tight budget, find themselves stuck. I wouldn't want that to happen to you. Based on what you said, I'd be gone already if I possibly could, but I know I don't have a complete picture of your life.)

ScottFromWI

I'd have to agree with all the others 4 eyes. If all that you say is accurate, you need to physically remove yourself from the relati

FourEyes

Thanks - I have been trying to put money aside for me. I'm not excusing his behavior, but he did find out after we got married that his mom's cancer came back and that's when things started to go downhill. But then it was always him telling me that he'll stop drinking when the wedding is over...because that was so stressful.

I hate to even say this, but by that time there was so much money already wrapped up in the wedding I just felt it needed to just happen and I could deal with the details later. It's a horrible excuse, but it's the truth. Invitations were sent out - it was happening. Call me proud, call me stupid, but I don't think I could've handled the humiliation of calling the wedding off.

I'm not a wilting flower by any means; even he admits that I am the stronger one in the relationship. I don't freak out over things easily and I can deal with a lot of things, but this is getting old. And I'm getting to the point where I could care less as to what happens with our relationship.

I can't say thank you enough to you guys for your responses (I'm not used to being able to talk about myself!). It reinforces what I know to be true. If I were reading this post - I'd say get out of Dodge too.

DAB

Deep down he feels horrible about himself, it builds him up to break you down.
That's what I think anyway.
When he tells you he is going to kill himself if you leave, tell him that he's killing himself now and that you don't plan to stick around to watch it happen.
Alcoholism only leads to three conclusions, death, jail, or total abstinence.

SnwFlower

Yeah, my bags would be packed and I'd be out of there yesterday.

There are absolutely no excuses for abusive behavior. Abusers will always have an excuse to con you into accepting it.

MidnightBlue

Hi, FourEyes.

Sorry about the situation you are in.

I'd agree with the responses above - his behavious is unacceptable.


Really? What kind of BS is this?

Unfortunately, cancer runs in many families, but not everyone uses it as an excuse to drink and abuse others. My Mom died of cancer.

Society dictates its rules - so, no wonder you didn't call off the wedding. But it's for you to decide how to leave after all, nor for society, relatives, friends.


I'd leave him. And, you know, I don't believe he will actually hurt himself.

Best wishes to you. Take care.

AllieB

I'm not sure I would have been able to call off a wedding at the last minute either, especially given that the worst behavior showed up afterwards, not before.

All you can do is go on from here. I'm encouraged to hear that you haven't internalized everything he's saying and doing, and that you're still outraged. That's good!

Good luck to you.

wpainterw

I agree with the others. And once you've removed yourself from this situation, you can expect one thing- that he'll come back to you pleading,promising to change, etc. If you fall for that right away it will probably start up all over again, worse than before, because he'll know you're a pushover. And if you say no he may very well become abusive and threatening. Then you may have to get a protective order. You may need to put some geography between you and him. It's not going to get better until he realizes that it's him, not you. It's him and specifically it's that beast way down in his brain which, for the near term at least, has taken over. Until he makes up his mind that he's got to fight that beast and win his soul, his true self, back he's going to get worse. He'll make his life a living hell. You don't have to share that hell with him. And caving in to him, allowing yourself to be manipulated, can only make him worse. Will reduce his chances of recovery.

W.

BlueSkiesAB

Welcome to the group FourEyes. After catching up on all the posts, I have to say that I agree with most of them. An exit strategy, safe plan etc are super important. You need a safe place to go. We can be a support system to you here but you will need to stay strong and make some very difficult decisions. We are here for you!

MIRecovery

He is doing what alcoholics do. Lie cheat steal abuse and manipulate. You will not change him but you can change your self. Check out al-anon for the answers to your problems.

FourEyes

You all have no idea how nice it feels to have gotten this off of my chest and to be treated so nicely and to not be judged. I have nothing but gratitude for finding this forum and am grateful for all of the responses, kind words and support. I know I'll be fine. I just need to get over constantly worrying about him.