Jur123

I'm trying to detach from my dysfunctional sister. It's hard as I feel guilty, but I have to do that for my own sanity. I was doing ok, however I watched some talk show where they said that siblings have to love each other. That was enough to trigger a huge wave of guilt. I'm so tired of this guilt and I'm so sensitive to what people say!

happybeingme

Jur,
Just because you share dna does not mean you have to love someone. If your sister is causing you emotional,physical, or spiritual harm than you must break off that relationship or at least put distance and boundaries in place

Mracoa

Love is an action. Sometimes that action is giving your loved one space to figure things out on their own. Sometimes love requires that you protect yourself. You don't have to be physically present to love someone.

I went no contact with my father for several years. The things he did and said were hurtful. I was a confused teenager and needed to distance myself from him. I stop calling him, and the couple of times he tried to contact me, I told him not to call me unless he was sober and hung up. I was mad at him. It was a burning anger that was hard to 'get over'. But I still loved him. In fact, going no contact with him was an expression of my love. He had a problem. Part of that problem involved blaming everyone around him for his problem (including my brother and I). Removing myself from his equation helped him realize it wasn't me (it took 5yrs of blaming me to my brother and my brother finally getting sick of it and stopped calling him too). During a court mandated inpatient treatment he came to see the absurdity of blaming someone he hasn't talk to in years for a problem he created.

He eventually sobered up (to a degree), and we are able to see each other now. I hope someday your sister sobers up too. Is it really a bad thing to protect yourself and let her wrestle her own demons.

It's a put your own oxygen mask on before helping others type situation. When a plane depressurizes at altitude, parents are instructed to put their own masks on before helping their young children. That is because if the parent passes out due to lack of oxygen, no one is left to help the kids.

Kialua

Yes I love this quote, it makes so much sense. How can we help anyone if we don't help ourselves. Detaching is essential to your health. People that haven't had our lives of course don't understand it, but they have no reason to understand. They are not qualified to tell us "shoulds".

EveningRose

I went largely NC with my siblings about 4 years ago. I had placed a great emphasis on 'being the peacemaker,' but I finally understood that I was not making peace--I was only biting my tongue--because I myself had no peace in the way they were treating me and speaking to me. I let it roll off my back as 'that's just the way they are, ignore it,' until there were two years in a row of screaming rages at a holiday dinner. I was no longer able to bite my tongue and shrug it off, and not willing to get down in the mud and fight with them. So I walked away.

I have felt no guilt. Sometimes, lines are crossed, and we simply are pushed too far. I have left the door open--I have invited them to my kids' graduation parties, and they simply ignore me the whole time. I have gone down to say hello on one occasion when one sibling dropped off one of my kids--and she pranced around the yard with one of my kids totally ignoring me. So...no, I feel no guilt in saying no to bad treatment.

I 'love them from afar' as others have said. I wish them peace, I hope they find their way to a board like this and find some understanding of why our family is such a mess and some healing (I know they're not terribly happy in their lives, either), and I pray for them. None of this requires me to be their kicking bag. You don't have to be, either.

ACOAHappyNow

For me it was the only way to feel safe and to feel peace inside.

You have the right to protect yourself, you really do. Our abusers tried to teach us we didn't deserve any better, but there has always been a part of us who knew the truth.

That healthy part of you is protecting you now. Everyone who tries to guilt you can just go take a flying leap.

Ps my husband told me, "don't let them guilt you into feeling bad. They have never treated you well and you deserve better."

BunnyNest

i had that guilt trip placed on my from my earliest memories. "Someday you won't have us (parents) and you'll only have each other." Constant reminders to keep me enabling the family dysfunction and taking all the blame and being treated with a complete lack of respect.

1. I have me.
2. I have a husband.
3. I have children.
4. I have extended family members.
5. I have friends and support groups.

Guess what? They treat me with respect. They don't guilt me into accepting dysfunction. They don't blame me for their dysfunction.

How is it I will only have my sibling??? It was manipulation to keep me enmeshed, through and through.

Loving detachment is wonderful!