brownie14

Hi everyone---

I am in my 30's dating a really wonderful guy for the past 10 months. He told me he was on suboxone for roxy addiction when we first starting dating. I was cool with it, I thought it was good that he was getting help and he knew he had a problem. Fast forward to about three weeks ago. He tapered off the suboxone, had some problems with wd's and was ok. Little snappy but I knew he was going thru a rough time. Around that time his best friend moved in to get away from his abusive roommate. He himself had a drinking problem. Was clean for a year and then started drinking while at my bf's. It started to put a strain on things. About three weeks ago, there were subtle differences in my bf...cancelling his family events that we were supposed to go to, getting really snippy and borderline yelling at me. Last week we had a big blowout fight which we had never had and basically broke up for a couple of days. The story turns out that he relapsed when his friend told him the only way he wouldn't drink would be if my bf got him pills. My bf trying to keep him off the booze got him the pills and couldn't resist. Our fight was when he was stoned and effed up out his mind, which made sense because I had no idea who the man I was fighting was, it was like someone kidnapped him and put a real jerk there instead. He stopped the pills as soon as the fight happened and was absolutely despondent when I saw him next. The story came out...he didn't want to be a disappointment to his family who were finally proud of him. He started going thru withdrawals and I said what do you want to do. He said call the doctor and get back on my subs but I have no money. I agreed to lend him the money with stipulations, I want receipts and proof of everything. And I want to be paid back. He had hardcore withdrawal symptoms that night. I was actually scared. The next day he got in touch with his doc and they called him in a small supply of subs until he sees the doctor next week. He had turned back into my boyfriend practically instantly. He was caring, happy, no longer sullen, texting me and calling me more. I was thrilled. We're gonna work things out.

My problem is this: I want him to get away from his best friend. He is nothing but trouble and he is drinking again. He tends to drag my bf into big drama all of the time. but my bf feels that he is responsible for trying to keep him sober appearing. My bf also told me that he knew his friend was a big part of his problem and our relationship problems. Yet, he cannot get away from him. It's a very complicating story but I'm confused. My bf is making the right steps in his recovery again, but I just feel that his friend is going to drag him down along with him. My bf's father is like this kids father, always bailing him out of trouble, so they're really intertwined. I know my bf has to do this for himself but I kinda want to say to him our relationship is going to be in big time trouble unless his friend gets out of the picture. There's a lot of co-dependence there. I love my bf dearly and I think we're going to be able to alright in the long run but I am just done with his friend and the drama with him. How do I get his friend out of the picture. I know he has to do it himself and I'm not really down with ultimatums but this friend has the potential to keep doing this over and over again and I don't see why he can't get his own life and leave us alone. I'm sick of the drama honestly but I love my boyfriend and am not going to ditch him at this point in our relationship and his recovery. I think that'd be really wrong of me...thoughts?

EnglishGarden

Hello brownie and welcome to the forum.

Are you handling this without any education about addiction, addicts, recovery and codependency? It sounds as if you might be.

We suggest you educate yourself thoroughly about addiction and codependency. On the opening page there are Sticky links which will take you to information you need to know. Also, on the blogs search engine, you can access the blog of Cynical One which has dozens of articles on addicts and codependents.

You seem so sure of what you are doing, what is the solution, what he is about, and what the truth really is. But you really do not know, cannot see, and are not experienced enough to know what is going on here. You are in for a great deal of pain. The pain is unavoidable because pain is what happens in relationship with an addict who has not found long-term recovery. But the self-doubt, self-blame, and self-deprecation that will probably accompany your pain can be eased and resolved, if you understand the syndrome of addiction/codependency you are living.

Others here will have more feedback which I hope you will welcome. And I am glad you found SR, for it is vital you not go this alone. If you can make Al-Anon meetings in your town, that would be a very smart thing to do as well.

You are in the lion's mouth. People in recovery can help shine a light for you.

incitingsilence

Issue one, your boyfriend is a big boy, no one made him use .... this is so important, the only person responsible for his actions are him. Hell even high he is responsible for the choices he makes. He has to learn who is good and or not good for him. Understand he is capable of that learning.

And he can't keep anyone sober. He could lead by example, but that is about it. People, places and things. To give himself the best chance now, in the more crucial times he has to remove himself from those things that have proven to be unhealthy for him.

I think as I read I would be more concerned with the codependency you are displaying not how codie he is. The stipulations, that is a lot of control I think. Oh and there isn't any control. So I have to ask you to think about something, do you want him on sub, or does he want to be on sub, or both? I do hope you understand that just because he is ok on sub today that doesn't mean he is all better now ...

While I am a huge proponent of sub, I am also just as vocal on allowing them to find their own way, and work within their means, and fix their problems themselves, because they are capable. I mean really as harsh as this sounds, and it isn't naive, all he had to do was not use ... accept his role in where he went, make safety nets to protect himself, and learn from the mistake and move forward.

The drama, well you can opt out at any time! And that doesn't have to do with staying or leaving. But if leaving is what you feel you need to do, then go and with no guilt. And if you choose to stay, well I would worry more about You, and getting help for yourself, and your own support system ... because addiction is progressive and it will take you down to if you allow it to. Sadly far to many allow it to.

Take good care of you!

brownie14

Thanks you for the reply : )
Yes, very true. He needs to own his decisions. No one but him made him take them. He did it.
That being said...I like him on sub for now b/c I didn't know what else to do for the time being and I think he went off it wrong. He did not have a support system in place and didn't go to meetings or anything...and Im not saying he's my boyfriend again just because he's on it. He was a nasty person when he was using. I thought it would be a step in the right direction for now. I think it will help him clear his head and then deal with things somewhat rationally. We are going to his doctor together, at which point those questions will be asked..how long on it, when to taper things like that. He honestly doesn't know enough to ask those questions. I do not want him on it forever, he cant be on it forever, hes got to walk the walk at some point. Maybe it does look like I am co-dependent and I am not trying to sound nasty but what is the difference between loving someone and wanting them to be healthy and co-dependency?
He needs to get himself to meetings. I am planning on going to one and I actually do have a good support system as well. My family and some friends know the whole situation and what we/I am going through. My world does not revolve around him, I go out and live my life too, going to work, playing ball, working out, seeing my family. I just want to see him happy and healthy and successful and I am not sure what my role is.
But, I do also see the need to take of myself too, that's good advice I sometimes forget.

EnglishGarden

I hope the meeting you are planning to go to is your meeting--Al-Anon--and not his meeting. You can also try Nar-Anon if it is in your town.

Take some time to read the articles on the forum and perhaps the difference between healthy love and codependency will get a little clearer. We all have had to learn that, and it takes some time. Most of us were in quite a bit of denial and defensiveness when we first sought out help for our situation with an addict or alcoholic. But if you continue to seek answers from EXPERIENCED people (as opposed to all manner of family and friends who know nothing of addiction), you will find your answers.

laurie6781

Your role is NOTHING when it comes to his addiction and his recovery. Your role is all about you and learning your personal boundaries. When is enough, enough? Just as only he can make himself happy and healthy, only you can make yourself happy and healthy.

Many of us here use the 3 C's.

I didn't Cause this.

I can't Control this.

I can't Cure this.

The only person I can change is myself!

Subs in themselves are ADDICTIVE!

It is up to him as to what he will do about his addiction. If he chooses to use the subs, then it is up to him to find some program of recovery so that he can learn about himself and learn how to LIVE CLEAN AND SOBER, without Subs or anything.

That is a very long road and a very 'self absorbed' road where 'loved ones' are really 'put on hold.' My experience was that it took me 6 months of just not drinking and using to start to clear the fog and the mush out of my brain to even be able to start to work some sort of 'program' of recovery. Then it took over another year to completely WORK the 12 Steps of Recovery and then I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO LIVE THOSE STEPS on a daily basis.

You really do NOT know this person clean and sober. He has been on Subs since you first met. Many of the programs of recovery 'suggest' "no major changes the first year" and that includes GETTING INTO or OUT of a relationship.

Oh and while an A is in active addiction and/or early recovery, we don't get into or out of a relationship, we have no clue what 'love' is, and are incapable of it as we do not love ourselves, WE TAKE HOSTAGES.

My suggestion would be to take a HUGE step backwards and .................... WATCH his ACTIONS instead of listening to his words.

And while taking that huge step backwards, start working on you and learn to work a program like you would like to see him work.

Now I won't deny that a lot of A try and some do get clean without any 'program' at all, but I have really not, in these past 32 years been acquainted with any that were really happy without their drugs of choice, in other words, they were 'white knuckling' it and that is a very miserable way to live.

I can also tell you that many A's not all but many are co dependent also. I believe that is what you are seeing in your ABF.

Also many of us in recovery, end up giving up if not all a great many of our so called 'life long friends' as we start to realize that the friendships was really based in active addiction and we choose not to have that type of 'toxic' person around us in our sober lives.

In the end it is YOUR CHOICE whether to continue to hang around, and here and there 'try to control', or stand back, be a sober friend and just WATCH to see what happens.

Either way, we are here for you. We care about you. We are now walking with you in spirit. Feel free to post and let us know how you are doing, and feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh.

Welcome to the road to recovery.

Love and hugs,

zoso77

You can't control your ABF in this regard. He needs to make his own decisions, for better or for worse.

ZoSo

atalose

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.......you have to understand that at any time during your relationship Dr. Jekyll can appear..............so moving forward the big question you need to be asking yourself is.........can you accept them both because you don't get one without the other when it comes to addiction.

The odds are not in your BF's favor for long term recovery, it doesn't sound like he's working a vry strong recovery program for himself. When someone truely wants recovery they will move heaven and earth to obtain it. They will get rid of people, places and things that interfer with that recovery..........it doesn't sound like he's at that point so the chances that you'll be seeing Dr. Jekyll more often is pretty good.

You are ONLY 10 months into this relationship, he's had his relationship with drugs for far longer.....and a good prediction of future behavior is....past behavior.

Hopefully you'll educate yourself on addiction, learn and ACCEPT what addits do and all the things YOU CAN'T do to try and fix him.

brownie14

I appreciate all of the advice...we'll see what happens. He is doing better. He told me he was not be prepared to be off the suboxone when he tapered and stopped. His friend got a full time and has to fix himself now. There's a lot at stake for him. Yeah, I know that suboxone is addictive. But it's up to him where things go from here. He needs a better support system and I'm going to suggest meetings to him when he does start tapering again. It's up to him to go. I know everyone is saying oh it's only 10 months but we have an extremely close bond and I'm not going to walk away because he needs help. You don't throw a life away because it's broken. You try and fix it. I'm not going to be the one to fix it, that's again up to him, but I can help him along the way. I don't see anything wrong with that. I am going to read the stickys and all of that too and I'm going to find a al-anon or narc-anon or whatever meeting and see what I can glean from that.
I may get hurt in the end, but I feel better with myself, knowing that I tried and didn't make a selfish decision and walk away. And believe me, I am not naïve. My close family mbrs have all had some type of addiction or abuse issue and I've had a sibling go off her bipolar meds and try to kill herself in front of me. So I don't see the world with rose colored glasses, that's all I am trying to say.

bluffing024

Don't let the people on their high horses here with their pre-canned responses of the 3 c's and get out while you can scare you. Suboxone is a miracle drug for lots of people! Addiction is a disease, and suboxone is a medication to treat that disease. If you had high blood pressure, what's wrong with taking medication for it? I see no difference for opiate addiction. If they respond well to that specific treatment, why mess with success?

mstrust

1. it's not "selfish" to take care of yourself. in the end, you're the only one who can.

2. the "3 c's" make perfect sense... as partners, friends, relatives of addicts, etc. we did nothing to CAUSE anyone's addiction, there is no way we can CONTROL it AT ALL, and we absolutely can't CURE it. no one is on their high horse that i have seen on these boards. in fact, it seems like most of us who post have been through quite a bit and put hearts and souls into our relationships before 'selfishly' walking away.

3. there is NOTHING wrong with taking medication for a physical ailment. it's just too bad we live in a society where some believe the cure for EVERYTHING is a pill. there are lifestyle changes people can make to positively affect their health so they don't need to rely on pills. suboxone and subutex may work for some, but they come with their own set of risks and problems and popping more pills does nothing to address the underlying issues that come with addiction. it is not just a physical problem.

Chino

I'm in full agreement with you except for your attitude. As far as I can tell, subs aren't exactly that miracle drug for the OP's qualifier.

brownie, whatever you decide, the only way you can really help him and others, is to make sure you are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually healthy, yourself.

At least that's what I've learned. Everything seems to fall into place from there.

All the best to you.

EnglishGarden

The addict in question is hanging with other addicts, buying pills for another addict within the past three weeks, getting high on those pills himself, and abusing his girlfriend by baiting her with arguments (the blow-up after he USED) so he can get her out of his way because he is CRAVING.

The suboxone issue is not the crisis here.

Vale

Sadly, a pill cannot cure the deep things that allowed
addiction to take such firm control.
Pills alter biochemistry. A disciplined path of
recover cures the spirit.
Were pills available to cure addiction----I don't
think there would be any need for SR.

brownie14

Very true all. Everyone has valid points and sees things from their own perspective. I appreciate the advice. Everyone has been thru different things and situations, it's good for me to read these all and take some piece of advice from people who have been in my shoes or in his. Granted, every shoe is different. And everyone is different of course. I've picked my path and like I said, I own my decision. If it fails so be it but I will be a stronger person for it. I will check in from time to time and let everyone know how it is going. I truly appreciate the advice everyone

allforcnm

It sounds to me like your boyfriend handled the relapse properly; immediately turning to his doctor and going back on subs. This was a good learning lesson perhaps. He will hopefully move forward with more wisdom, and an understanding of what he needs to do to maintain his sobriety. The best any of us can do is make ourselves aware, stay true to our beliefs, and follow the path that calls out to us. Good wishes sent out to both of you.

oooopps

Part of becoming sober for an addict is for them to learn the skills to cut off people that are triggers or bad influence on their sobriety. You may want a lot of things for your bf but he must want these things for himself.

I was once like you... wanted to shield my ex from many people including his own family who were all addicts of some type of substance. Until I learned that my desire to control wasnt healthy for me nor helpful to him.

As painful as this experience may be, this is a great opportunity to educate yourself on addiction which will lead you to learn much about yourself.

Vale

We have faith in you, brownie14.
Make the best decisions you can make.
We wish you the very best!

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. Pardon me while I dismount from my high horse and put away the three C's.

I am aware of at least two hospitals in my area that will not treat opiate addiction with Suboxone because there are too many instances where the patient ostensibly looking to come off opiates abuses the Suboxone.

You will get no argument from any of us about addiction being a serious illness. But I would argue that people with hypertension need the appropriate medication, while addicts who, keep in mind, chose to pick up to begin with, don't necessarily need Suboxone to recovery from opiate addiction.

Ordinarily I wouldn't respond to a post like this, but I encourage you during your time with us to keep an open mind and not make presumptions on where we fall on particular issues.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta saddle up and ride off...

ZoSo