My Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hoxie, KS
Posts: 39
My Story
Hello all,
I guess I will start at the beginning. I started dating my boyfriend in Nov. 2011. He had just moved to town seeking a fresh start and was living with his sister, who is (was) a very close friend. He was very quiet and shy and really didn't seem to be my type. Quite an introvert! I was very hesitant at first, due to the fact that this was my good friends little brother. I always knew that if somewhere down the road things didn't work out that I would lose a friend too.
I had been in two previous relationships with alcoholics and was very much wanting a fresh start myself. His sister was all for it, and repeatedly told me how wonderful, amazing, and caring her brother was. She told me many times that he would never treat me like the others had. She knew what a great guy he was and would never even consider letting him ask me out if he wasn't anything but a good man. I believed her, of course, for this was my friend and friends don't purposely do things they think would hurt their friends. I might add, that my oldest daughter had been through many terrible situations with my first two relationships. The youngest was still to young to know any different. I longed for a decent man to come into my life and accept my children and myself. We are a package deal!
We started off slow and often times he would fall asleep at my house because we had stayed up so late talking. He was very respectful of me and didn't try to get me into bed. He let me know up front that was not his intention. I was very impressed. I noticed that when sharing things with each other that he never really shared a lot. He would only give a very short explanation of past events. My girls became very fond of him. My oldest, who, completely despised one of my boyfriends, told me; "he gets 5 stars from me"! I asked if that was a good thing and she said, "out of 5 stars Mom"! I was thrilled about this reaction. I knew I was not going to put her in another situation where she felt scared and alone. By the first of the year he had moved into my house. He had been spending almost every night there anyway, and still hadn't found a place in town for himself. I live in a very very small town and the housing possibilities are very slim if any.
Things were perfect in my world. I had an awesome boyfriend who seemed to love me and my children both. He had a great job, and helped me out financially more that anyone ever had. I sort of had a hard time accepting his financial help at first and he asked me to please just let him do it. He said that was partially his responsibility so I finally let him pay for whatever he wanted. He bought us a new bedroom set and many other expensive gifts for me over the course of our relationship. He always took care of us financially. As mentioned before, he had a very good job. He was a mechanic for a trucking company. It required long hours and to be on call a lot. Plus, his sister was technically his boss. That was one of the reasons he came here was because she was able to get him this great job with excellent benefits, not to mention bonuses and raises!
Just a few more important details to add in so that the downward spiral really makes sense. I discovered over time the real reasons He came to begin with. He had been living in a much larger city prior to coming. He had been in a bad relationship and skipped around jobs there. He was a bouncer at several bars and even a brewer at a local brewery. He had sold drugs and been involved with some shady people. He was living with his parents and was holding a job at that time working for a broadband company. He had made several good friends at this job. Upon meeting one of the very close friends he had made I was quite surprised to know just how bad off my bf had been before coming here. Drunk at work, mean, hateful, threatening, aggressive. Often out of control with anger and resentment. I also realized how much my bf loathed his mother. He claimed once that he hated her. I thought that was absurd. He told me of various reasons for his hate and resentment toward her. His parents were still married though, which I thought was strange. He often told me that his dad was the only one he really loved but, that he resented him a little to for always defending and enabling his mom. There was some talk of mental illness with his mom but, not enough to give me a really clear picture of the real truth. I did think his mother was a little strange upon meeting her the first time. I actually met her before dating my bf because of his sister. Really, she never let on much about her childhood and such, she just said she was never really close to her mother.
As time went on and things started to become monotonous for him at home and at work I noticed the drinking start to pick up. He had no friends here just me and my girls and his sister and her family. He hated the small town life and often made remarks about how much better he was than everyone here. One night he had a panic attack and I had to take him to the emergency room. He finally told me that prior to coming here he had to go to the ER back home for panic attacks. I was stunned. He ended up with a prescription for anxiety out of that. He started taking the medication but continued to drink more and more.
I feel like I am rambling here so Im gonna try to sum it up. Basically everything became unbearable for me, trying to please him and protect my children from the reality of what life had become for us. The binges were no longer binges they became full on blackouts almost nightly. The harsh words and accusations became too much for me. Of course, everything (at least in our house) was my fault. I was the crazy, neurotic one. I did everything wrong. He wasn't physically abusing me, or going out to the bars every night. He wasn't cheating on me. He busted his butt all day and no one appreciated him at work, so he had every right to drink when he got home. (these were all his excuses). He had no friends and hated everyone here and then he had to come home to me and "my kids" and be nagged at. We were no longer intimate...the very few times seemed very aggressive and hateful. I asked him one night and he said it was from the anxiety meds. Let me say how that opened up a whole other realm of issues. I found out that mixing large amounts of alcohol with these meds could end up deadly. I had noticed one night that he was physically displaying some strange things. I cant even describe it almost as if he was having a seizure but it was like slow motion. he had no control over his mouth and his hands were making strange gestures and I was terrified I would find him dead or really having a seizure sometime. Or worse yet, that one of my children would find him dead.
I finally confronted his sister and brother in law and a couple others from his work that were willing to help me pull an intervention. I just couldn't keep my children in that situation any longer. They were all in. His sister and I stayed out of the actual intervention and it was four other men that went to speak with him. I did tell them that he either had to get some help or he had to move out of my home. Several hours later these four men took him directly to a treatment center. I was able a bit relieved he went but, I was also very very scared, I knew this would be a life changing event. I didn't hear from him for six days. He finally called one night! I was so nervous picking up the phone. What he told me devastated me. He said he was moving out upon getting out of treatment. He did not want me to visit or come for couples counseling. I was just dumbfounded. In those six days of not hearing from him I was very distraught. His sister and my mom had told me that about a month prior to this he had bought me an ring and asked my mom if he could marry me. The only reason they told me that was because I was worried sick that he was going to leave us. They tried to reassure me that he wouldn't have went to treatment if he didn't want to work on our relationship. I had also spent a huge chunk of change on a big vacation for his upcoming birthday. We were gonna go to Key West. I was so excited. I wanted to show him my love and gratitude for all his love and support. He was going to propose on that trip. I kept waiting to hear from him. I thought by giving him a little time in therapy he would come around and want to see me and work through some things. I finally broke down and contacted him. His response was that he did what everyone wanted him to do and now he had a program to work while he was there and when he was done. His sister had been down for several "family counseling" sessions and came back one night and ripped me to shreds for contacting him. I was not helping him by doing that.
Needless to say I figured out that she was misconstruing everything probably on both ends. I lost my friend and my boyfriend. My two biggest fears from the beginning. He wanted nothing to do with me or my girls. Meanwhile, they were very sad and confused and I was trying to keep it together. The day came when he was done with treatment and he asked his sister to come to my house and get all his things. She at least did one thing right...she told him she would help but that he had to come and do it too. He did try to tell her that his counselor had suggested him not coming to do that. I am greatly confused by that. He barely spoke, he kept his sunglasses on the entire time and the absolute only thing he said that even hinted at anything was "you work on you, I'll work on me and see where it goes." And with that he left. He wouldn't even say goodbye to my oldest daughter who was sitting on my couch with tears running down her face. The youngest has been having separation anxiety and even asked if he was playing some kind of joke on us. We are left with an empty house and broken hearts.
That was all several weeks ago. I haven't heard from him. His sister keeps coming by my house and talking about him. She pretends if nothing has happened. I have been going to Al-Anon and seeing a counselor. I am so scared and alone. I am unable to get over my grief and anger right now. I see my children sad and it scares me.
I have probably left out some significant things here but, I am having trouble even typing this. I just need help getting through each day and moment sometimes. My grief and anger seem to consume me at times. I'm trying to keep my head up and do the right thing which is take care of my kids. I'm struggling. I wish I understood some things and had some answers.
I guess I will start at the beginning. I started dating my boyfriend in Nov. 2011. He had just moved to town seeking a fresh start and was living with his sister, who is (was) a very close friend. He was very quiet and shy and really didn't seem to be my type. Quite an introvert! I was very hesitant at first, due to the fact that this was my good friends little brother. I always knew that if somewhere down the road things didn't work out that I would lose a friend too.
I had been in two previous relationships with alcoholics and was very much wanting a fresh start myself. His sister was all for it, and repeatedly told me how wonderful, amazing, and caring her brother was. She told me many times that he would never treat me like the others had. She knew what a great guy he was and would never even consider letting him ask me out if he wasn't anything but a good man. I believed her, of course, for this was my friend and friends don't purposely do things they think would hurt their friends. I might add, that my oldest daughter had been through many terrible situations with my first two relationships. The youngest was still to young to know any different. I longed for a decent man to come into my life and accept my children and myself. We are a package deal!
We started off slow and often times he would fall asleep at my house because we had stayed up so late talking. He was very respectful of me and didn't try to get me into bed. He let me know up front that was not his intention. I was very impressed. I noticed that when sharing things with each other that he never really shared a lot. He would only give a very short explanation of past events. My girls became very fond of him. My oldest, who, completely despised one of my boyfriends, told me; "he gets 5 stars from me"! I asked if that was a good thing and she said, "out of 5 stars Mom"! I was thrilled about this reaction. I knew I was not going to put her in another situation where she felt scared and alone. By the first of the year he had moved into my house. He had been spending almost every night there anyway, and still hadn't found a place in town for himself. I live in a very very small town and the housing possibilities are very slim if any.
Things were perfect in my world. I had an awesome boyfriend who seemed to love me and my children both. He had a great job, and helped me out financially more that anyone ever had. I sort of had a hard time accepting his financial help at first and he asked me to please just let him do it. He said that was partially his responsibility so I finally let him pay for whatever he wanted. He bought us a new bedroom set and many other expensive gifts for me over the course of our relationship. He always took care of us financially. As mentioned before, he had a very good job. He was a mechanic for a trucking company. It required long hours and to be on call a lot. Plus, his sister was technically his boss. That was one of the reasons he came here was because she was able to get him this great job with excellent benefits, not to mention bonuses and raises!
Just a few more important details to add in so that the downward spiral really makes sense. I discovered over time the real reasons He came to begin with. He had been living in a much larger city prior to coming. He had been in a bad relationship and skipped around jobs there. He was a bouncer at several bars and even a brewer at a local brewery. He had sold drugs and been involved with some shady people. He was living with his parents and was holding a job at that time working for a broadband company. He had made several good friends at this job. Upon meeting one of the very close friends he had made I was quite surprised to know just how bad off my bf had been before coming here. Drunk at work, mean, hateful, threatening, aggressive. Often out of control with anger and resentment. I also realized how much my bf loathed his mother. He claimed once that he hated her. I thought that was absurd. He told me of various reasons for his hate and resentment toward her. His parents were still married though, which I thought was strange. He often told me that his dad was the only one he really loved but, that he resented him a little to for always defending and enabling his mom. There was some talk of mental illness with his mom but, not enough to give me a really clear picture of the real truth. I did think his mother was a little strange upon meeting her the first time. I actually met her before dating my bf because of his sister. Really, she never let on much about her childhood and such, she just said she was never really close to her mother.
As time went on and things started to become monotonous for him at home and at work I noticed the drinking start to pick up. He had no friends here just me and my girls and his sister and her family. He hated the small town life and often made remarks about how much better he was than everyone here. One night he had a panic attack and I had to take him to the emergency room. He finally told me that prior to coming here he had to go to the ER back home for panic attacks. I was stunned. He ended up with a prescription for anxiety out of that. He started taking the medication but continued to drink more and more.
I feel like I am rambling here so Im gonna try to sum it up. Basically everything became unbearable for me, trying to please him and protect my children from the reality of what life had become for us. The binges were no longer binges they became full on blackouts almost nightly. The harsh words and accusations became too much for me. Of course, everything (at least in our house) was my fault. I was the crazy, neurotic one. I did everything wrong. He wasn't physically abusing me, or going out to the bars every night. He wasn't cheating on me. He busted his butt all day and no one appreciated him at work, so he had every right to drink when he got home. (these were all his excuses). He had no friends and hated everyone here and then he had to come home to me and "my kids" and be nagged at. We were no longer intimate...the very few times seemed very aggressive and hateful. I asked him one night and he said it was from the anxiety meds. Let me say how that opened up a whole other realm of issues. I found out that mixing large amounts of alcohol with these meds could end up deadly. I had noticed one night that he was physically displaying some strange things. I cant even describe it almost as if he was having a seizure but it was like slow motion. he had no control over his mouth and his hands were making strange gestures and I was terrified I would find him dead or really having a seizure sometime. Or worse yet, that one of my children would find him dead.
I finally confronted his sister and brother in law and a couple others from his work that were willing to help me pull an intervention. I just couldn't keep my children in that situation any longer. They were all in. His sister and I stayed out of the actual intervention and it was four other men that went to speak with him. I did tell them that he either had to get some help or he had to move out of my home. Several hours later these four men took him directly to a treatment center. I was able a bit relieved he went but, I was also very very scared, I knew this would be a life changing event. I didn't hear from him for six days. He finally called one night! I was so nervous picking up the phone. What he told me devastated me. He said he was moving out upon getting out of treatment. He did not want me to visit or come for couples counseling. I was just dumbfounded. In those six days of not hearing from him I was very distraught. His sister and my mom had told me that about a month prior to this he had bought me an ring and asked my mom if he could marry me. The only reason they told me that was because I was worried sick that he was going to leave us. They tried to reassure me that he wouldn't have went to treatment if he didn't want to work on our relationship. I had also spent a huge chunk of change on a big vacation for his upcoming birthday. We were gonna go to Key West. I was so excited. I wanted to show him my love and gratitude for all his love and support. He was going to propose on that trip. I kept waiting to hear from him. I thought by giving him a little time in therapy he would come around and want to see me and work through some things. I finally broke down and contacted him. His response was that he did what everyone wanted him to do and now he had a program to work while he was there and when he was done. His sister had been down for several "family counseling" sessions and came back one night and ripped me to shreds for contacting him. I was not helping him by doing that.
Needless to say I figured out that she was misconstruing everything probably on both ends. I lost my friend and my boyfriend. My two biggest fears from the beginning. He wanted nothing to do with me or my girls. Meanwhile, they were very sad and confused and I was trying to keep it together. The day came when he was done with treatment and he asked his sister to come to my house and get all his things. She at least did one thing right...she told him she would help but that he had to come and do it too. He did try to tell her that his counselor had suggested him not coming to do that. I am greatly confused by that. He barely spoke, he kept his sunglasses on the entire time and the absolute only thing he said that even hinted at anything was "you work on you, I'll work on me and see where it goes." And with that he left. He wouldn't even say goodbye to my oldest daughter who was sitting on my couch with tears running down her face. The youngest has been having separation anxiety and even asked if he was playing some kind of joke on us. We are left with an empty house and broken hearts.
That was all several weeks ago. I haven't heard from him. His sister keeps coming by my house and talking about him. She pretends if nothing has happened. I have been going to Al-Anon and seeing a counselor. I am so scared and alone. I am unable to get over my grief and anger right now. I see my children sad and it scares me.
I have probably left out some significant things here but, I am having trouble even typing this. I just need help getting through each day and moment sometimes. My grief and anger seem to consume me at times. I'm trying to keep my head up and do the right thing which is take care of my kids. I'm struggling. I wish I understood some things and had some answers.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, I'll go ahead and reply here, until the thread gets moved to FFA.
Sorry you had to go through all of this. As an alcoholic with almost five years of sobriety, I can tell you that alcoholism causes actual brain damage, though functioning can often be restored after a good period of sobriety.
It sounds as if this guy already had huge problems when you met him. Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, she may have thought he was doing well when she introduced you. Sounds like she was willing to take some risks, herself, by bringing him into the place of employment.
Unfortunately, addiction is complicated--cunning, baffling, and powerful, as it says in AA's Big Book. It can roar back to life at a moment's notice unless real recovery takes place. I'm sorry you and your children were hurt by it. Alcoholism doesn't care who it hurts.
Whether he will take his recovery seriously is anyone's guess--and there is no telling how he will feel toward you later. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to get into Al-Anon (and maybe your kids into Alateen, if they are willing). You can try to explain to them that his behavior doesn't mean he never cared for them--it's just that the disease takes over and makes people behave in incredibly self-centered ways. They become incapable of behaving in a responsible or reliable way.
You and your family deserve a chance to recover from the effects of living with this disease--both in him and in your previous relationships.
And stick around here, too--this is a great place for support.
Sorry you had to go through all of this. As an alcoholic with almost five years of sobriety, I can tell you that alcoholism causes actual brain damage, though functioning can often be restored after a good period of sobriety.
It sounds as if this guy already had huge problems when you met him. Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, she may have thought he was doing well when she introduced you. Sounds like she was willing to take some risks, herself, by bringing him into the place of employment.
Unfortunately, addiction is complicated--cunning, baffling, and powerful, as it says in AA's Big Book. It can roar back to life at a moment's notice unless real recovery takes place. I'm sorry you and your children were hurt by it. Alcoholism doesn't care who it hurts.
Whether he will take his recovery seriously is anyone's guess--and there is no telling how he will feel toward you later. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to get into Al-Anon (and maybe your kids into Alateen, if they are willing). You can try to explain to them that his behavior doesn't mean he never cared for them--it's just that the disease takes over and makes people behave in incredibly self-centered ways. They become incapable of behaving in a responsible or reliable way.
You and your family deserve a chance to recover from the effects of living with this disease--both in him and in your previous relationships.
And stick around here, too--this is a great place for support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Thanks mods for moving! We have the greatest admin team around here!
Welcome, ltlys.
Wow - I can see how you must be spinning right now. But here's my take on it all. You got had by an addict.
I know what it feels like to wake up one day thinking "wtf is happening?" after a wonderful courtship of both yourself and your kids. It is like the frog in boiling water - you don't feel the water boiling because it happens so gradually. But then one day...it dawns on you that the water, is in fact, too hot for comfort anymore.
You will be in shock for a bit. Then probably the anger will come out. Then grief. If you are anything like me, you'll cycle back and forth between all those emotions.
But here's the thing - you need to spend some time being a good Mom to those kids. That means putting walls around your little family and not letting these kinds of men get close. Yes, it means you will be lonely for male companionship. Yes, it means you are financially responsible for yourself and for them. But hon, you are exposing your kids to some serious dysfunction. That's not right. While you are focusing on being the best Mom you can be - spend some time identifying your patterns in relationships. There is a reason why you attract and are attracted to these kinds of men. Learn it now so you can stop repeating the same mistakes.
I hope you let this guy go. Really, there are so many good men out there but in order to attract one, you need to be healthy yourself.
Keep posting and keep coming back,
~T
Welcome, ltlys.
Wow - I can see how you must be spinning right now. But here's my take on it all. You got had by an addict.
I know what it feels like to wake up one day thinking "wtf is happening?" after a wonderful courtship of both yourself and your kids. It is like the frog in boiling water - you don't feel the water boiling because it happens so gradually. But then one day...it dawns on you that the water, is in fact, too hot for comfort anymore.
You will be in shock for a bit. Then probably the anger will come out. Then grief. If you are anything like me, you'll cycle back and forth between all those emotions.
But here's the thing - you need to spend some time being a good Mom to those kids. That means putting walls around your little family and not letting these kinds of men get close. Yes, it means you will be lonely for male companionship. Yes, it means you are financially responsible for yourself and for them. But hon, you are exposing your kids to some serious dysfunction. That's not right. While you are focusing on being the best Mom you can be - spend some time identifying your patterns in relationships. There is a reason why you attract and are attracted to these kinds of men. Learn it now so you can stop repeating the same mistakes.
I hope you let this guy go. Really, there are so many good men out there but in order to attract one, you need to be healthy yourself.
Keep posting and keep coming back,
~T
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
