Midlifecrisis

Anyone who wants to bag me out or beat me up, go for it, I'm already doing it enough to myself.

I hate being sober. I can't stand it. I've been snorting oxy and tramadol the last couple of days like its going out of fashion. It's so stupid, I have so much to lose(

Go for, tell me I told you so. We all saw it coming yeah??

alphaomega

What about being sober do you hate so much ?

ScottFromWI

What happened to the daily doses being held by the chemist plan?

Midlifecrisis

Feeling, doubting, feeling low.

Midlifecrisis

Never got to the chemist. Nearly run out now anyway.

ScottFromWI

No one is going to say we told you so MLC, you already know exactly what the implications are so you don't need reminding. Is hubby aware yet?

Midlifecrisis

No and he's not going to be. I hate seeing him in pain and he will leave. I'll be a single mum of 5 kids. I need to sort it.

alphaomega

Ahhhh yes. Those feelings. Those were exactly what drove me to drink. For twenty years. Almost every day. I liked those feelings just so long as they fit into my parameter of pleasure. But as soon as something was off that radar, I high tailed out mentally.

What if you gave yourself permission to just feel them ?

I often wondered if that's why people "cut". They are begging to feel. Something. Even if its wrong.

ScottFromWI

So what is your plan to sort it out? Can we help?

Dee74

If you go back through your posts you'll find you were actually starting to enjoy being sober, or at least getting ok with it.

This voice - is your addiction.

You already know what you need to do MLC - you need to get rid of the meds and find another healthier way to deal with your pain.

I think your husband really needs to know too - but only you can decide that.

D

Midlifecrisis

Not sure of the plan. Let myself feel as someone said above and just stop.

Dee if I tell him he will leave. That is not an option.

Nighthawk8820

Obviously you need to give it some time. You are in withdrawal and it feels horrible at the start, but it passes. You can feel better, but you have to tough it out at the start. You need to maybe seek some outside help or make a new plan in regards to getting sober.

Dee74

Handling this yourself hasn't exactly been possible for you in the past tho MLC - is there someone else you can bring in here - the Dr, or your pastor?

D

ScottFromWI

I'm guessing that he probably knows already or will soon if you are snorting it all up at a high rate. I'd agree with Dee, you need external help MLC.

CharlieNoogan

I agree with Scott. If you keep up this behavior, you will lose your husband. You can't hide this forever. What do you want MLC? To be high, to not be sober, to be alone and flirting with death? Or how about a new sober lease on life with your husband, kids and endless possibilities on the horizon?

Make the right choice MLC. We are all pulling for you.

Grungehead

MLC,

If you keep using he will leave too. That is not an option. I care about you MLC but you are running out of options. You need to pick the right option as if your life depended on it.

Jeni26

MLC-no-one is going to beat you up. We are all on your side. We all know how hard early recovery is. There are a lot of people here who genuinely care about you.

We can listen, we can offer our experience, we can give advice. Many have prayed for you, I know I have. But we can't stop you from using. I still remember that photo you posted of your little ones. It made me cry and when I see your posts I still visualise those children and what is possible for you to have. A sober and clean life will bring you and your children such joy, I wish it was possible for you to see beyond the lies your addiction is telling you right now.

Please don't get to the stage where your family breaks down. Try anything you can to avoid that happening. For me, i was on the very brink of that happening before i was ready to commit, REALLY commit to getting sober. I know you can't physically get to meetings. Have you looked up on-line ones? Have you looked into AVRT? Have you spoken to your pastor?

Do what it takes MLC. Losing it all isn't an option that you want to consider. Don't let it happen xxx

Michael66

Hi MLC,

Being sober is going to be tough for a while because your brain is out of balance. The 'normal' mechanisms that trigger feeling good and dealing with pain and stress have all been desensitized. Of course you know that, but I thought I would just remind you that being sober in the long run isn't like being sober for you now - those pathways in your brain will start functioning again, but not if you keep swamping them from the outside.

That's the kicker with all addictions it seems - it's not like just accepting life without the drug, but having to get through a period (which can last months) where the brain pathways return to normal sensitivity.

But you can do it MLC. Have you been through a detox and rehab program?

Keeping you in prayer +

Midlifecrisis

Thanks guys. I've got ones days worth left (1 days worth abusing it, a few days regular dose.). I will do that and quit Saturday.

I did do inpatient detox and I would dearly love to do rehab again (did it years ago) but I can't with 5 young kids and living miles from anywhere.

I'm going to do this time otherwise I will lose everything. So so stupid, why did I even risk it:

Thanks guys heaps. This is really the only support I have.

Nuudawn

Your post breaks my heart MLC with its defeat... and your last entry does little to give me hope. I don't mean to be pessimistic but I really agree that you need outside help..that its a matter of life and death..for yourself..and your kids. Are you truly capable of minding them adequately in this state? You need your husband on your side in this....
If your husband was in jeopardy...and minding your children in jeopardy and did NOT share this with you...how would you feel? What sort of marriage are you fighting for? Is this the example you want for your children?