New here, but not to recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: south florida
Posts: 7
New here, but not to recovery
I found this site when i googled "loving an addict." Some background, and I'll try to keep it short... not likely, but ill try.
I am a 28 year old female, married for 10 years, and i have 2 gorgeous girls. By the time I was 23, my husband and i had a very successful business that afforded me the luxury of comfortably staying at home with my children. After having my second, i was put on opiates for pain. A horrible kidney infection prolonged their necessity. A sick infant daughter made it easy to justify... as did a husband who was already using. Besides, i was a better me on them. More energy, happier... i could deal with my youngest daughters constant crying, and irregular sleep schedule. Eventually, percocets didnt work. I found blues. This on and off went on for almost 5 years before i decided to quit. Once the fog lifted, i received what i coined as my celestial dope slap. I saw, in one instant, the oneness of all life, of all experience and felt that all that truly mattered was love.
Various synchronous events caused me to find a guru, (though he never labeled himself as that,) and eastern philosophy. I shed over 80 pounds through yoga and dietary changes, began meditation, and even began studying the various eastern religions, though i adhere to no one... they are all one in my eyes.
I am a healthy person, so i thought. Life is like an onion though... always one more layer. If we think for an instant our growth is done, we can rest assured its not.
My husband has not joined me in recovery. I love an addict. I am an enabler... a co dependant. We have lost our home, our business, his mental health. Physical health is only a matter of time. We have lost our marriage.
I find myself at a pass where staus quo wont allow me to grow. I cant allow myself and my children to take a backseat to his addiction. To be victims of his decisions. Ive filed for a divorce. He is in drug court and its looking like he is going to be put in a 30 day in treatment program.
I'm moving to another state and I'm thankful he doesnt intend to stop me. This glimmer of humanity within him is what makes this so hard.
I have an offer from my father that will allow me to return to school. Ive told him that when he cleans up he can join us... but just to be a father. Irreparable damage has been done to our relationship. An affair, another child... the lies, the betrayal.
The final straw was when i came home after work... Two weeks ago, around 3am. (I'm a server at a bar) I found a stranger in my home, drugs... my children asleep in another room. He claimed these were people from NA. Nice, right? I also found $700 of mine missing that night. I went out to get a drug test because he said that he wasnt doing anything. It came back clean.
The following morning, based on my gut instict, which i no longer ignore, i asked my daughter if daddy woke her up to pee in a cup. Surprise, surprise. He said, when confronted, that they had done mollys and bars. But that the spoons i found, Oxys... his drug of choice, werent his.
I dont believe it. I'm done. I'm nauseous. The ride isnt fun anymore.
I'm sad. I'm angry. Angry at him, angry at myself for allowing myself to be duped for so long. Angry at myself, wondering if i had never started on these, if he would have fallen so far. Im angry that my daughters have a strong possibilty of growing up without a dad.
Im also relieved. I feel closure. I feel a sort of peace. And an acceptance that even though i got clean, i didnt do the work that i should have done on myself. Im hoping to find a few meetings for co dependants as well as recovering addicts.
When he was apologizing about the $700 that went missing, i remember saying, "i would have paid a thousand to find out the truth. I'm done."
The beginning of next week my daughters will go to texas to live with my dad. I will stay and finish out our lease and sell off my furniture and other tainted belongings. I will join them in August. When the girls are gone, if he refuses to turn himself in, i will. It hurts. Its a hurt so raw and so deep, but i know it needs to be done. He was the love of my life, my high school sweetheart. And now i dont recognize the man who sleeps next to me. I know his voice, and when i close my eyes, feel his touch... i swear hes still there. Now i know this is just my own memories clouding my judgement. Because when i look into his eyes, i see nothing. The man i loved is gone. My sadness is nothing more that me mourning the loss of everything i thought i possessed. Now I know, truly know, I possess nothing, and i think I'll be better for that.
I am a 28 year old female, married for 10 years, and i have 2 gorgeous girls. By the time I was 23, my husband and i had a very successful business that afforded me the luxury of comfortably staying at home with my children. After having my second, i was put on opiates for pain. A horrible kidney infection prolonged their necessity. A sick infant daughter made it easy to justify... as did a husband who was already using. Besides, i was a better me on them. More energy, happier... i could deal with my youngest daughters constant crying, and irregular sleep schedule. Eventually, percocets didnt work. I found blues. This on and off went on for almost 5 years before i decided to quit. Once the fog lifted, i received what i coined as my celestial dope slap. I saw, in one instant, the oneness of all life, of all experience and felt that all that truly mattered was love.
Various synchronous events caused me to find a guru, (though he never labeled himself as that,) and eastern philosophy. I shed over 80 pounds through yoga and dietary changes, began meditation, and even began studying the various eastern religions, though i adhere to no one... they are all one in my eyes.
I am a healthy person, so i thought. Life is like an onion though... always one more layer. If we think for an instant our growth is done, we can rest assured its not.
My husband has not joined me in recovery. I love an addict. I am an enabler... a co dependant. We have lost our home, our business, his mental health. Physical health is only a matter of time. We have lost our marriage.
I find myself at a pass where staus quo wont allow me to grow. I cant allow myself and my children to take a backseat to his addiction. To be victims of his decisions. Ive filed for a divorce. He is in drug court and its looking like he is going to be put in a 30 day in treatment program.
I'm moving to another state and I'm thankful he doesnt intend to stop me. This glimmer of humanity within him is what makes this so hard.
I have an offer from my father that will allow me to return to school. Ive told him that when he cleans up he can join us... but just to be a father. Irreparable damage has been done to our relationship. An affair, another child... the lies, the betrayal.
The final straw was when i came home after work... Two weeks ago, around 3am. (I'm a server at a bar) I found a stranger in my home, drugs... my children asleep in another room. He claimed these were people from NA. Nice, right? I also found $700 of mine missing that night. I went out to get a drug test because he said that he wasnt doing anything. It came back clean.
The following morning, based on my gut instict, which i no longer ignore, i asked my daughter if daddy woke her up to pee in a cup. Surprise, surprise. He said, when confronted, that they had done mollys and bars. But that the spoons i found, Oxys... his drug of choice, werent his.
I dont believe it. I'm done. I'm nauseous. The ride isnt fun anymore.
I'm sad. I'm angry. Angry at him, angry at myself for allowing myself to be duped for so long. Angry at myself, wondering if i had never started on these, if he would have fallen so far. Im angry that my daughters have a strong possibilty of growing up without a dad.
Im also relieved. I feel closure. I feel a sort of peace. And an acceptance that even though i got clean, i didnt do the work that i should have done on myself. Im hoping to find a few meetings for co dependants as well as recovering addicts.
When he was apologizing about the $700 that went missing, i remember saying, "i would have paid a thousand to find out the truth. I'm done."
The beginning of next week my daughters will go to texas to live with my dad. I will stay and finish out our lease and sell off my furniture and other tainted belongings. I will join them in August. When the girls are gone, if he refuses to turn himself in, i will. It hurts. Its a hurt so raw and so deep, but i know it needs to be done. He was the love of my life, my high school sweetheart. And now i dont recognize the man who sleeps next to me. I know his voice, and when i close my eyes, feel his touch... i swear hes still there. Now i know this is just my own memories clouding my judgement. Because when i look into his eyes, i see nothing. The man i loved is gone. My sadness is nothing more that me mourning the loss of everything i thought i possessed. Now I know, truly know, I possess nothing, and i think I'll be better for that.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
to SR! You've got quite a lot on your plate, don't you? I hope you're holding up as well as you sound.We have a forum just for people in your situation. I'll give you the link.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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