Mother-in-Law from Hell
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Mother-in-Law from Hell
I have told my soon-to-be ex before that one of the biggest reasons for me why I cannot stay married to him (aside from the abuse) is because of how his family treats me. They treat me like ****. They really do.
So my husband hit his rock bottom. He's homeless, and can only stay in one place a few nights at a time. He's currently sleeping behind the place where he meets for his AA meetings.
I have been really angry with this man. I have hated this man. I have at times wished him dead. But something snapped within me at about 4 this morning, and I wrote his mother an email asking her to take him in. His mother hates me. At one time we were buddy-buddy, but as things have progressed with this disaster of a marriage, she has blamed me for everything. I'm trying to ruin her son, in her eyes.
I took my husband some food, gave him my bus card to get up there and asked him to go. He may, he may not. But his mother emailed me asking me to never contact her or her family again.
And I just feel so hurt. The night this man first flipped, I called her, told her what happened. She knows he has an alcohol problem. She said, "don't go back there, he's drunk." So I didn't. Well, he was still deeply in excuse mode, so when I took out a protective order and pressed charges, all of a sudden I became equally to blame in this situation in her and her husband's eyes.
They honestly feel that I should have never done anything to protect myself. That calling the police even once was a stain on them, or something. They're the "don't air your dirty laundry" type people.
I left my husband feeling uplifted for the first time in months. And it all came crashing down with her email. I had even sat in an AA meeting with him and met his sponsor.
I was just trying to do the right thing. How can this woman not see this? And what's so strange, is that she's now so close to the ex, who, though she's "concerned" hasn't tried to remedy the homeless situation, only brought him down to her area to see his daughters graduate, and that was it. But after cheating on him for years, having someone else's child, borrowing money from my MIL's father that she never paid back, and a whole lot worse, she's back in favor again. My soon-to-be ex's justification for all he did to me used to be her. Her name might as well have been Voldemort, the way they acted.
I'm just hurt. I have to co-parent with this man, my state will force it. I told my husband that I loved my son, I knew he did too. That didn't it make sense to be the best man he could be, if he were to be in his son's life?
Really hating my in-laws right now. And though my husband doesn't want to divorce, it's happening. At this point, as lonely as I am, I don't think I will be getting into any relationships any time soon. It just hurts too much to trust. My chest hurts constantly now.
So my husband hit his rock bottom. He's homeless, and can only stay in one place a few nights at a time. He's currently sleeping behind the place where he meets for his AA meetings.
I have been really angry with this man. I have hated this man. I have at times wished him dead. But something snapped within me at about 4 this morning, and I wrote his mother an email asking her to take him in. His mother hates me. At one time we were buddy-buddy, but as things have progressed with this disaster of a marriage, she has blamed me for everything. I'm trying to ruin her son, in her eyes.
I took my husband some food, gave him my bus card to get up there and asked him to go. He may, he may not. But his mother emailed me asking me to never contact her or her family again.
And I just feel so hurt. The night this man first flipped, I called her, told her what happened. She knows he has an alcohol problem. She said, "don't go back there, he's drunk." So I didn't. Well, he was still deeply in excuse mode, so when I took out a protective order and pressed charges, all of a sudden I became equally to blame in this situation in her and her husband's eyes.
They honestly feel that I should have never done anything to protect myself. That calling the police even once was a stain on them, or something. They're the "don't air your dirty laundry" type people.
I left my husband feeling uplifted for the first time in months. And it all came crashing down with her email. I had even sat in an AA meeting with him and met his sponsor.
I was just trying to do the right thing. How can this woman not see this? And what's so strange, is that she's now so close to the ex, who, though she's "concerned" hasn't tried to remedy the homeless situation, only brought him down to her area to see his daughters graduate, and that was it. But after cheating on him for years, having someone else's child, borrowing money from my MIL's father that she never paid back, and a whole lot worse, she's back in favor again. My soon-to-be ex's justification for all he did to me used to be her. Her name might as well have been Voldemort, the way they acted.
I'm just hurt. I have to co-parent with this man, my state will force it. I told my husband that I loved my son, I knew he did too. That didn't it make sense to be the best man he could be, if he were to be in his son's life?
Really hating my in-laws right now. And though my husband doesn't want to divorce, it's happening. At this point, as lonely as I am, I don't think I will be getting into any relationships any time soon. It just hurts too much to trust. My chest hurts constantly now.
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I'm sorry you're hurting.
And I'm sorry his mom is blaming you. I guess it's easier that way. She doesn't have to accept that he is responsible for the situation he's in.
You're not together though still married. Check with a good family lawyer on the custody/visitation deal. I knows states are different but in many cases, domestic violence trumps the mandate to give joint custody.
It also sounds like you're still helping him even though he's not living with you, you're pursuing divorce, and he's not your problem anymore. You worry about how his family treats him and try to arrange his life for him.
It may not be the best way of helping him. Harsh but, I believe, true. I think your time and energy and love may be better spent on yourself and your kids. And let him sink or swim. He goes to AA. He has the tools. He needs to decide whether to use them. You can't help him with that.
And I'm sorry his mom is blaming you. I guess it's easier that way. She doesn't have to accept that he is responsible for the situation he's in.
You're not together though still married. Check with a good family lawyer on the custody/visitation deal. I knows states are different but in many cases, domestic violence trumps the mandate to give joint custody.
It also sounds like you're still helping him even though he's not living with you, you're pursuing divorce, and he's not your problem anymore. You worry about how his family treats him and try to arrange his life for him.
It may not be the best way of helping him. Harsh but, I believe, true. I think your time and energy and love may be better spent on yourself and your kids. And let him sink or swim. He goes to AA. He has the tools. He needs to decide whether to use them. You can't help him with that.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
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Unfortunately, in my state, until he physically harms my son, he will at least have visitation. And I HAVE to give it to him. To deny it could cause a judge to take my child. They're harsh like that here.
True, he has to make the decisions on his own. I just don't think anyone deserves to be homeless. It is up to him, and his AA members told him that today; that I had given him a golden opportunity in reaching out in the way I did, and not to eff it up. I can't keep feeding him, and I will not. I cannot provide him shelter. My gesture was one to ask him to let go of his pride and get some help from his parents. Whether he will or not, I don't know.
I'm just tired of being blamed by his family for his abuse of me, and knowing that my state will eventually require my son to see these people, who may not even treat HIM right because of his connection to me. I hate living here.
True, he has to make the decisions on his own. I just don't think anyone deserves to be homeless. It is up to him, and his AA members told him that today; that I had given him a golden opportunity in reaching out in the way I did, and not to eff it up. I can't keep feeding him, and I will not. I cannot provide him shelter. My gesture was one to ask him to let go of his pride and get some help from his parents. Whether he will or not, I don't know.
I'm just tired of being blamed by his family for his abuse of me, and knowing that my state will eventually require my son to see these people, who may not even treat HIM right because of his connection to me. I hate living here.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
He does have to make decisions on his own. He's chosen this path. I am not sure why there's an expectation that his mother save him from the homelessness? He can certainly go to a SL house or program if he wanted. Is he still drinking?
I am not sure of your whole story, but do you think you are still enabling him, and trying to fix his situation, when its his to fix?
Sound like some Alanon might be in order. I don't mean to sound harsh but might be trying to control his outcome. Your energy would be better used to care for yourself, and give him the dignity to fight his own battles. He can figure it out if he wants to.
(Hugs) to you.
I am not sure of your whole story, but do you think you are still enabling him, and trying to fix his situation, when its his to fix?
Sound like some Alanon might be in order. I don't mean to sound harsh but might be trying to control his outcome. Your energy would be better used to care for yourself, and give him the dignity to fight his own battles. He can figure it out if he wants to.
(Hugs) to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
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Wow. Inlaw drama...lovely.
I know this well and yes suprise so does my rah when it comes to my folks.
The beauty of some parents is even in their best intentions dont know when to calm down and let go.
Sometimes things and situations are not worth fighting over. ...I think people in general have this problem.
Even though my rah has been a dum dum and upset me...there has been alot of my mother being controlling and manipulative. Her way or the highway. So I can understand on both angles why this upsets you as I also was accused as the problem for rah behavior by mother inlaw too and either way drama is drama ...it doesnt matter what type. Its unhealthy.
I would proceed that way you plan to with a divorce and so on and leave the contact with the soon to be ex in laws to need to know .
The least amount they know...they least they say. Frankly anything that does not involve grand child or their son....has no business of theirs and hopefully detaching from theur drama helps you.
I know this well and yes suprise so does my rah when it comes to my folks.
The beauty of some parents is even in their best intentions dont know when to calm down and let go.
Sometimes things and situations are not worth fighting over. ...I think people in general have this problem.
Even though my rah has been a dum dum and upset me...there has been alot of my mother being controlling and manipulative. Her way or the highway. So I can understand on both angles why this upsets you as I also was accused as the problem for rah behavior by mother inlaw too and either way drama is drama ...it doesnt matter what type. Its unhealthy.
I would proceed that way you plan to with a divorce and so on and leave the contact with the soon to be ex in laws to need to know .
The least amount they know...they least they say. Frankly anything that does not involve grand child or their son....has no business of theirs and hopefully detaching from theur drama helps you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I had a longer post, but I'm not going to bother with it.
The only real outcome I want to control is the happiness of my son. I do not love my husband. The divorce papers have been drawn up, I anticipate having his signature day after tomorrow.
In Virginia, you have to co-parent, even if your partner abuses you like mine did me. Visitation at the very least is mandatory. I have a protective order covering myself and my son, but I still have to arrange visitation.
My husband's mother does kind of owe him on this one. Sorry, but it's true. I will not get into that.
If I'm going to co-parent, I'm going to do it in a manner that is done the way normal people do. You talk, you help one another, you come together for the sake of the child. Because the child is paramount. My son is the pinnacle of my life. He deserves two healthy parents.
No, he is not drinking. But even if he is...guess what? Visitation. If I deny it, I get in legal trouble. I could lose my child. But again, he's not drinking.
I am only trying to cushion the blow for my son. Four years old, autistic, largely non-verbal. But he seeks after his father. Makes it clear. What do I do? Buck the State?
Shelters in my county have several-month long waiting lists. He's only been homeless two weeks. You do have to shower and put on nice clothes before interviews. Most homeless people who aren't in shelter don't have that. How can he get the money to be in a sober home if he cannot shower to prepare for a job? The only place locally where he could do that (his mother lives in MD) is open only two days a week. He might be able to schedule interviews for those days, but the time constraints....or since he's hit rock bottom, does he just have to stay there for a while? In speaking with him, I've gotten (finally) the admittance from him that I did nothing wrong. Yes, it was important to me to hear that from him. So long as he blamed me for his problems, he would not seek to get help. Now he sees that he is the source of them. His thinking, his actions. His drinking.
If it were your child, and you were in my situation, what would you do? Risk prosecution? Just to let someone continue along rock bottom? What about the feelings if your child?
I turned to my MIL Cruella because that's the only place I could think of.
Are alcoholics ever supposed to get back on their feet? Can they only live in sober homes first? If their family helps them in any way to find a place to stay or eat, is this enabling? What if you live with your alcoholic? I do not, but what if you do?
Al-anon is not an option again until September. My son goes to school year-round, and his schedule is shortened in summer. Meetings at other times are not an option, because I don't have a babysitter. Not much of a support system over here.
The only real outcome I want to control is the happiness of my son. I do not love my husband. The divorce papers have been drawn up, I anticipate having his signature day after tomorrow.
In Virginia, you have to co-parent, even if your partner abuses you like mine did me. Visitation at the very least is mandatory. I have a protective order covering myself and my son, but I still have to arrange visitation.
My husband's mother does kind of owe him on this one. Sorry, but it's true. I will not get into that.
If I'm going to co-parent, I'm going to do it in a manner that is done the way normal people do. You talk, you help one another, you come together for the sake of the child. Because the child is paramount. My son is the pinnacle of my life. He deserves two healthy parents.
No, he is not drinking. But even if he is...guess what? Visitation. If I deny it, I get in legal trouble. I could lose my child. But again, he's not drinking.
I am only trying to cushion the blow for my son. Four years old, autistic, largely non-verbal. But he seeks after his father. Makes it clear. What do I do? Buck the State?
Shelters in my county have several-month long waiting lists. He's only been homeless two weeks. You do have to shower and put on nice clothes before interviews. Most homeless people who aren't in shelter don't have that. How can he get the money to be in a sober home if he cannot shower to prepare for a job? The only place locally where he could do that (his mother lives in MD) is open only two days a week. He might be able to schedule interviews for those days, but the time constraints....or since he's hit rock bottom, does he just have to stay there for a while? In speaking with him, I've gotten (finally) the admittance from him that I did nothing wrong. Yes, it was important to me to hear that from him. So long as he blamed me for his problems, he would not seek to get help. Now he sees that he is the source of them. His thinking, his actions. His drinking.
If it were your child, and you were in my situation, what would you do? Risk prosecution? Just to let someone continue along rock bottom? What about the feelings if your child?
I turned to my MIL Cruella because that's the only place I could think of.
Are alcoholics ever supposed to get back on their feet? Can they only live in sober homes first? If their family helps them in any way to find a place to stay or eat, is this enabling? What if you live with your alcoholic? I do not, but what if you do?
Al-anon is not an option again until September. My son goes to school year-round, and his schedule is shortened in summer. Meetings at other times are not an option, because I don't have a babysitter. Not much of a support system over here.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
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LadyInLimbo,
I'm sorry you are going through so much. All I can suggest is that you really trying to live in the moment to reduce your stress level. I can see why you are so overwhelmed and angry with your MIL. You are powerless to change her though, and deep down you must know she is blaming you because she is crazy, not because of anything you have done.
You know those people who don't give a sh*t what anyone thinks about them, and seem to move through life so effortlessly because of it? Well, pretend you are one of them right now and rise above your MIL.'s crap.
I don't understand your AH's homelessness situation. Would the state give visitation to a homeless and physically abusive father?? If so, that's pretty crazy.
Anyway, I think you might be getting into dangerous territory by trying to protect your son from who is father truly is. Even if you can help remedy his current situation, you can't keep that up forever. And if his drinking is what landed him on the streets, then I do think helping him off the streets is enabling.
I can imagine how hard this all must be for you, but you are stronger than you think you are. You don't need your MIL's approval, and you don't need your AH to be any certain way to raise a great son.
Hugs to you.
I'm sorry you are going through so much. All I can suggest is that you really trying to live in the moment to reduce your stress level. I can see why you are so overwhelmed and angry with your MIL. You are powerless to change her though, and deep down you must know she is blaming you because she is crazy, not because of anything you have done.
You know those people who don't give a sh*t what anyone thinks about them, and seem to move through life so effortlessly because of it? Well, pretend you are one of them right now and rise above your MIL.'s crap.
I don't understand your AH's homelessness situation. Would the state give visitation to a homeless and physically abusive father?? If so, that's pretty crazy.
Anyway, I think you might be getting into dangerous territory by trying to protect your son from who is father truly is. Even if you can help remedy his current situation, you can't keep that up forever. And if his drinking is what landed him on the streets, then I do think helping him off the streets is enabling.
I can imagine how hard this all must be for you, but you are stronger than you think you are. You don't need your MIL's approval, and you don't need your AH to be any certain way to raise a great son.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
When I first posted on this forum someone gave me the advice, "Let go or be dragged." Knowing the changes that have come about after taking that advice, I want to pass it on to you. I understand what you are going through with your MIL. Mine has waged a slander campaign against me since my STBXAH and I split and she enables her son to an extent that it is scary. It can be hurtful if you allow it to be. If you have to allow visitation, let him initiate it. If there is a protective order in place and visitation hasn't been court ordered, you may want to check with a lawyer to see if you even have to allow it at this point. Most states will uphold the PO until you have been to court for your provisional order that addresses visitation. It sounds like you are putting too much into trying to control the situation. The biggest thing you have to learn about the alcoholic...you can't control their actions, feelings, behavior, thoughts.... All you can control in life is yourself and once you let go, it will be much easier. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Alanon is the greatest option for you right now! No waiting till September!
If you won't go to meetings keep posting in this forum...you are on the computer and there is a wealth of Alanon sites and literature...
there are a good dozen Alanon books you can read...I lived in D.C. and their are hundreds if not a thousand Alanon people you can call and talk with...
Meetings are a tremendous help...but if not F2F you can immerse yourself in 12 step work using the literature
You crossed an ill-defined boundary created by your MIL...now you know...and that is to be accepted....get yours down on paper...
Best to you...really helped me today!
If you won't go to meetings keep posting in this forum...you are on the computer and there is a wealth of Alanon sites and literature...
there are a good dozen Alanon books you can read...I lived in D.C. and their are hundreds if not a thousand Alanon people you can call and talk with...
Meetings are a tremendous help...but if not F2F you can immerse yourself in 12 step work using the literature
You crossed an ill-defined boundary created by your MIL...now you know...and that is to be accepted....get yours down on paper...
Best to you...really helped me today!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I have a mother in law (ex mother in law I guess technically though I am not "officially" divorced yet) who is identical to yours.
It has been hard to have gone from being treated decently by this woman to being bad mouthed by her to my face, to my kids, behind my back to my own famiily, to friends etc...
And it has been over the same matters that your MIL has been terrible to you for... Her son, my xAH who has been terribly abusive, has chosen his path, and when I have stood up for myself (vs enabling her abusive drunkard of a son as she did with her husband) then I have been called the abuser, a controlling wife, emotionally unstable...
She has sent me books about the personality disorders I have (she's not a psychologist), send me links to self help groups on line for me "severe" mental health issues, told me I am abusive to her son and my daughters and is completely nuts frankly... All in a desperate attempt to keep the focus off herself, her family, her son and the issues that are the elephant in the room that no one in her family can ever or will ever face...
I thought once I was gone and he was not in my life, they'd stop and leave me alone... Nope- being gone has just turned into telling me that I am alienating him from his kids
Sorry to ramble on -- I just wanted to share my experience in the hope it would ease your pain a teeny bit to know that you are not alone in this... It has NOTHING to do with you... She is ill, her son is ill and you are not enabling him so of course you have to be blamed for the natural consequences he is facing as a result of his choices... For her that's logical- to the rest of us it's insane and the best bet you have is to just have NO contact with her at all.
It has been hard to have gone from being treated decently by this woman to being bad mouthed by her to my face, to my kids, behind my back to my own famiily, to friends etc...
And it has been over the same matters that your MIL has been terrible to you for... Her son, my xAH who has been terribly abusive, has chosen his path, and when I have stood up for myself (vs enabling her abusive drunkard of a son as she did with her husband) then I have been called the abuser, a controlling wife, emotionally unstable...
She has sent me books about the personality disorders I have (she's not a psychologist), send me links to self help groups on line for me "severe" mental health issues, told me I am abusive to her son and my daughters and is completely nuts frankly... All in a desperate attempt to keep the focus off herself, her family, her son and the issues that are the elephant in the room that no one in her family can ever or will ever face...
I thought once I was gone and he was not in my life, they'd stop and leave me alone... Nope- being gone has just turned into telling me that I am alienating him from his kids
Sorry to ramble on -- I just wanted to share my experience in the hope it would ease your pain a teeny bit to know that you are not alone in this... It has NOTHING to do with you... She is ill, her son is ill and you are not enabling him so of course you have to be blamed for the natural consequences he is facing as a result of his choices... For her that's logical- to the rest of us it's insane and the best bet you have is to just have NO contact with her at all.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Sometimes, for parents or anyone really, it's easier to blame others than making their child take accountability for themselves.
My in-law story is similar. What started out as a "you and the kids have to leave" is now, "how dare you do this to him and me" .
Let the chips fall where they may. Leave him to hit rock bottom(which it sounds like he's there or near). I can understand where you say you were feeling uplifted after helping him, it feels good to help people. He has to help himself. His mother will either open her eyes to reality or continue to wear blinders. Either way, it's her decision. In the long run, you are responsible for your own happiness and your child's for now too.
I found the best thing for my sanity and well being was to go absolute minimal (none if possible) contact with both the STBX and his parents. Too much drama. I like to remind myself when he ramps up the crazy texts or repeated unanswered call..."Save the drama for your mama." She can deal with it.
My in-law story is similar. What started out as a "you and the kids have to leave" is now, "how dare you do this to him and me" .
Let the chips fall where they may. Leave him to hit rock bottom(which it sounds like he's there or near). I can understand where you say you were feeling uplifted after helping him, it feels good to help people. He has to help himself. His mother will either open her eyes to reality or continue to wear blinders. Either way, it's her decision. In the long run, you are responsible for your own happiness and your child's for now too.
I found the best thing for my sanity and well being was to go absolute minimal (none if possible) contact with both the STBX and his parents. Too much drama. I like to remind myself when he ramps up the crazy texts or repeated unanswered call..."Save the drama for your mama." She can deal with it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Sometimes, for parents or anyone really, it's easier to blame others than making their child take accountability for themselves.
My in-law story is similar. What started out as a "you and the kids have to leave" is now, "how dare you do this to him and me" .
My in-law story is similar. What started out as a "you and the kids have to leave" is now, "how dare you do this to him and me" .
The last time I expressed frustration with this dynamic, someone here pointed out, "Of course they're going to have his back no matter what!" And I guess, yeah. They're not in treatment for co-dependency and expressly don't want to be. I mean -- and I say this coming from my own dysfunctional family -- alcoholism doesn't spring forth out of nothing, there are family dynamics in place that nurture and protect the addiction and codependency relationship. There are so many examples I can give you of me trying to help my suicidal STBXAH when he was at his worst, when his parents were like, "That's awful, dear. Pass the peas." Now that he's in their basement, unemployed, still making excuses why he shouldn't have to be in treatment, I'm an evil harpy that caused all his problems. Oooooookay.
I've heard someone call it a "sick system" (Issendai's Superhero Training Journal - Sick systems: How to keep someone with you forever) and I know in my experience, the first people to threaten the sick system in a real way (including the addict and his addiction) are banished, cut off, and rejected. When my AH was in counseling he recognized the sick system and ultimately (at least today) decided to stick with it. I rejected it, and was rejected in turn.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
The only way to serenity and peace is to let go. We cannot control others, no matter how we rationalize the need to. You can only take care of you and your son.
Find a good lawyer that you trust to take care of divorce and custody issues. That is their job and what you pay them for. Then let go.
Find a good lawyer that you trust to take care of divorce and custody issues. That is their job and what you pay them for. Then let go.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
I'm pretty sure that this is the wrong thing to say as I'm probably a codependent but I think you trying to help him showed some compassion on your part. Yeah it might have been enabling etc but I can understand why you tried to help someone you were once very close to who is now on the street. Some people would argue that I'm sayin this because I'm "sick" too. But there you have it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
If it were my child... I'd probably claim special circumstances with an autistic, non-verbal child and refer to his needs for stability and predictability.
And Virginia sounds like the pita legally. How on earth are you supposed to be expected to coparent with an abuser??? Dear God, it's hard enough with your run-of-the mill addict... I'm just wondering what coparenting with a homeless person will look like?
And I understand the wish to reach out. I've been told over and over again that I've been too nice to my AXH.
And Virginia sounds like the pita legally. How on earth are you supposed to be expected to coparent with an abuser??? Dear God, it's hard enough with your run-of-the mill addict... I'm just wondering what coparenting with a homeless person will look like?
And I understand the wish to reach out. I've been told over and over again that I've been too nice to my AXH.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Risk prosecution?
If he does not have a home, or a shower it is because of his choices.
As long as you make yourself responsible for his problems, you will continue to be enmeshed in his mess.
I do not understand that at all.
Wait, yes I do. Yep, I was expecting my ex to help me with my children.
Guess what? He did not help me any more than when we were married.
Just got worse.
So, you show up for visitation with your son.
Your ex does not.
How are you responsible for that?
I hear you saying the state will get you if you do not help your husband.
That does not sound correct. If you have legal help, you need someone else.
You cannot be responsible for a grown man. An alcoholic who chose this path.
He has to work his way out.
IF not done by HIMSELF, he will expect you to save him every time.
You are setting yourself up for severe disappointment
and your son for a lifetime of repeating trauma.
How can the state dictate what YOU do about YOUR life?
They can make you stay in the state, but if you have a job offer, and it is in
THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD, you will be able to move.
I have found, when it comes to Family Court, nothing is etched in stone.
Chances and second chances are given to those who make an effort.
If you want to feel uplifted by helping someone, go to a food bank.
Go to a veteran's hospital. Go to a animal shelter.
They need loving caring people like you.
Your ex and his family do not want you to point out the problems.
That is it.
No, he is not drinking. But even if he is...guess what? Visitation. If I deny it, I get in legal trouble. I could lose my child. But again, he's not drinking.
Do you have an attorney? Is this what an attorney has told you?
Or maybe someone who does not have your best interests at heart,
like his mother?
Please, do not speak to her anymore.
Talk to someone who can guide you through the process.
If you have been abused, then call a domestic violence center.
They have a wealth of information based on your situation exactly.
Stop guessing about losing your child over one missed visitation.
It seems to be making you scared and we do not do our best thinking when we are scared.
Get some facts. Legal facts.
Yes, you will get free help from the domestic violence center.
You will get free help from Al Anon.
Obviously, you will get tons of advice and free help here at Sober Recovery.
But, please get the facts first,
then deal with reality and leave the drunks and enablers out of it.
Beth
(former tour guide in fantasy land with my mother in law)
I do understand the want to help your husband as one human being to another, but he is dangerous, like a sleeping cobra.
Back away slowly and get help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Al-anon is not an option again until September. My son goes to school year-round, and his schedule is shortened in summer. Meetings at other times are not an option, because I don't have a babysitter. Not much of a support system over here.
There are email meetings.
There are chat meetings.
There are telephone meetings.
I put the link below.
Be open to new experiences and allow people to help you.
It is tough after being alone and being told you are wrong for so long.
But you are tough, I can hear it. You love your son to the ends of this earth.
I knows this about you too.
Let others in to help. Just not your mother-in-law. Even when we (me and MIL) were working together, it was a disaster, because we were not allowing my ex to feel the pain of what he was doing to HIMSELF by HIMSELF.
alanonphonemeetings
Beth
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know a guy with many years of sobriety in AA who was living (literally) in a cardboard box when he got sober. I know other people who were living in cars or on the street. None of this has to be an obstacle. Let the people in his program help him. You have done all you could.
And as far as your in-laws go, let their anger and defensiveness roll off of you. I got hostility from my sister-in-law for not staying with my second husband who decided to go back to drinking after almost dying of it (I stuck around for the first hospital deathbed vigil--I wasn't up for another one). ALL family members can become sick when one is an alcoholic. Think of it that way--they are as sick, in their own way, as he is.
I'm with Beth--stay out of his business, stay away from his family. It's not your job to fix everything. Some things cannot be fixed by anyone other than the person whose problem it is. He has people in his program willing to help him. Let them. Their help will do more for him in the long run than any of the running around that you are doing right now.
And as far as your in-laws go, let their anger and defensiveness roll off of you. I got hostility from my sister-in-law for not staying with my second husband who decided to go back to drinking after almost dying of it (I stuck around for the first hospital deathbed vigil--I wasn't up for another one). ALL family members can become sick when one is an alcoholic. Think of it that way--they are as sick, in their own way, as he is.
I'm with Beth--stay out of his business, stay away from his family. It's not your job to fix everything. Some things cannot be fixed by anyone other than the person whose problem it is. He has people in his program willing to help him. Let them. Their help will do more for him in the long run than any of the running around that you are doing right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
I think I'm confused. I thought you were doing this more for H.
Is it that you know he's going to get visitation with the divorce based on legal advice or what you've heard, and you are just trying to prevent a bad visitation situation because he is homeless? You might want to consult with an attorney if you haven't. If you have, does your attorney know the current situation? Wonder if there are safer options that could be considered based on Hs current situation until he's on his feet? I can't fathom someone being awarded unsupervised visits in a homeless or abusive situation, but who knows.
Can't say what I would do for sure, because I'm not you and haven't walked in your shoes. I know I would absolutely make sure my legal counsel knew of all the happenings of this whole situation so that your son and yourself are as safe as possible and get the best result of this within the law. I certainly wouldn't buck the system, but I would want my lawyer to do his damnedest to protect my child.
At the same time, you still cannot control the outcome of his homelessness. His mom may still not help, he may not choose to let her, he may choose to drink again. None of that is within your control. I'd focus my energy on fighting for the very best outcome with an attorney and let him/her work hard for me. That's what they are paid to do. They can do a lot of the work for you.
And yes, alcoholics can get back on their feet. No they do not have to go to SLEs first. But, like any of us that want change, they have to want it, do it, and be faithful to the work it takes. He's capable of asking for help? I guess I sort of see it like this. If my friend friend needs $500, and I go and ask her Mom to loan her the money, should I have? Is she capable of asking, or working out her own arrangements? Maybe she wanted to borrow from her father instead. I guess it boils down to if he's capable of asking for help himself, and getting back on his feet himself. Or, is he too far gone in addiction. Sometimes, they are too far gone. If he's not drinking though, he may not be. I know, that's a much smaller scale problem for comparison. But I have to make it simple for myself.
I wish you the best. This cannot be easy, and I hope it works out well for you and your son. I do hope you might be able to do some Alanon sooner. You deserve to care for yourself, too, and in turn be stronger for your son, as well.
Is it that you know he's going to get visitation with the divorce based on legal advice or what you've heard, and you are just trying to prevent a bad visitation situation because he is homeless? You might want to consult with an attorney if you haven't. If you have, does your attorney know the current situation? Wonder if there are safer options that could be considered based on Hs current situation until he's on his feet? I can't fathom someone being awarded unsupervised visits in a homeless or abusive situation, but who knows.
Can't say what I would do for sure, because I'm not you and haven't walked in your shoes. I know I would absolutely make sure my legal counsel knew of all the happenings of this whole situation so that your son and yourself are as safe as possible and get the best result of this within the law. I certainly wouldn't buck the system, but I would want my lawyer to do his damnedest to protect my child.
At the same time, you still cannot control the outcome of his homelessness. His mom may still not help, he may not choose to let her, he may choose to drink again. None of that is within your control. I'd focus my energy on fighting for the very best outcome with an attorney and let him/her work hard for me. That's what they are paid to do. They can do a lot of the work for you.
And yes, alcoholics can get back on their feet. No they do not have to go to SLEs first. But, like any of us that want change, they have to want it, do it, and be faithful to the work it takes. He's capable of asking for help? I guess I sort of see it like this. If my friend friend needs $500, and I go and ask her Mom to loan her the money, should I have? Is she capable of asking, or working out her own arrangements? Maybe she wanted to borrow from her father instead. I guess it boils down to if he's capable of asking for help himself, and getting back on his feet himself. Or, is he too far gone in addiction. Sometimes, they are too far gone. If he's not drinking though, he may not be. I know, that's a much smaller scale problem for comparison. But I have to make it simple for myself.
I wish you the best. This cannot be easy, and I hope it works out well for you and your son. I do hope you might be able to do some Alanon sooner. You deserve to care for yourself, too, and in turn be stronger for your son, as well.
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